Why is love sad? | INFJ Forum

Why is love sad?

acd

acd

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Jan 11, 2009
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I do not understand why everytime I am in a relationship, it feels as if my world is about to unravel. It's depressing and bizarre and terrifying. How can I just enjoy it?

Aren't people supposed to feel happy when they find themselves developing strong emotional bonds with other people? Reciprocal bonds, no less?

Men are my Achilles Heel...
 
It is cause you are a feminist.
 
Figures you'd be the first to answer..
How can I be truly feminist when I admit men are my Achilles Heel?
 
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If you consistently feel bad about your relationships, then why do you seek them?
 
I freak out when I'm in love because I never know what other people expect/want of me. Its like I want to fulfill my partners every need, then I get wicked resentful of all the effort. Then I get insecure. And then I bail. But sometime I come back... The trick is finding someone who finds your madness charming....

And feminists rule.
 
TheLastMohican said:
If you consistently feel bad about your relationships, then why do you seek them?
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Good question. I want the good things that come along with relationships... companionship, partnership, intimacy.. but I'm terrified of losing those things once attained.

I've thought about this. And I've written about it.. but I usually have an impossible time taking my own advice.. But it seems that in order to truly love, you have to make yourself entirely vulnerable to the other person, knowing full well the risk for getting your heart broken. You have to give mercilessly of yourself, and if it all ends badly--then you have to tell yourself and believe that at least you were brave enough to give it your all--because it was worth it and you only live once.

I get this visual of vikings charging into battle knowing that by the time they reach the other side, they may be in pieces only to find themselves in Valhalla--they do it for the glory of it. Maybe that's what love is like. The opposite of fear. A thing to do because it makes you fully experience your humanity. I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

But I think I may be at the point now to where I'll just do it--suffer the consequences of living and giving because otherwise I'm living in denial of life.
 
JustNickey said:
I freak out when I'm in love because I never know what other people expect/want of me. Its like I want to fulfill my partners every need, then I get wicked resentful of all the effort. Then I get insecure. And then I bail. But sometime I come back... The trick is finding someone who finds your madness charming....

And feminists rule.
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Hmmm yeah that sounds similiar to me. I bail for the same reason and I also bail at the first show of conflict. I've been on and off with the same guy for over a year and I break up with him whenever we have a fight.. But we keep getting back together. We're working on how to handle the conflict thing.

I asked him the other day what he was doing with someone so scattered as me and he said "If I was with someone just like me, we'd be doing a cost-benefit analysis (I think that's what he called it. I have no idea what that is.) for every decision. There would be graphs and equations and it would be boring." I think he appreciates the madness.
But still. I am so neurotic in love. God I don't even know why I started this thread. I am so embarrassed of my emo-ness.
 
merrytrees said:
Good question. I want the good things that come along with relationships... companionship, partnership, intimacy.. but I'm terrified of losing those things once attained.

...

But it seems that in order to truly love, you have to make yourself entirely vulnerable to the other person, knowing full well the risk for getting your heart broken.
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Being vulnerable to your significant other is a consequence of true love, not a prerequisite. You don't have to strive to be in love; by definition, it should come naturally as you get to know the person. Trying to be vulnerable and devoted is putting the cart before the horse.
 
To address this more directly:
merrytrees said:
I want the good things that come along with relationships... companionship, partnership, intimacy.. but I'm terrified of losing those things once attained.
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Once you attain those things, you are unlikely to lose them until you are ready to. Break-ups are painful, of course, but that does not mean that those who are going through them would still want to continue the relationship. So being afraid of losing them should not stop you from attaining them in the first place. Even if the relationship fails, it still was a valuable learning experience, and can improve your chances for future relationships.
 
That makes perfect sense. In fact, I agree. If I think about things instead of going by my spastic feelings, that is. I suppose being afraid of losing them when things are good is only going to create a self-fulfilling prophesy. And that cycle needs to be broken. Thanks for taking an interest in this thread and giving your advice! It's really helpful and just having someone reason through it all is very settling. So I appreciate it TLM!
 
merrytrees said:
Hmmm yeah that sounds similiar to me. I bail for the same reason and I also bail at the first show of conflict. I've been on and off with the same guy for over a year and I break up with him whenever we have a fight.. But we keep getting back together. We're working on how to handle the conflict thing.

I asked him the other day what he was doing with someone so scattered as me and he said "If I was with someone just like me, we'd be doing a cost-benefit analysis (I think that's what he called it. I have no idea what that is.) for every decision. There would be graphs and equations and it would be boring." I think he appreciates the madness.
But still. I am so neurotic in love. God I don't even know why I started this thread. I am so embarrassed of my emo-ness.
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Which one of you is the main decision maker? It sounds like he is describing you as a person that will do whatever fun thing he wants without argueing. I would have taken it as being told I am a push over or that I am too submissive. I dont know how girls would take it.

an analysis of the cost effectiveness of different alternatives in order to see whether the benefits outweigh the costs
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Trying to be vulnerable and devoted is putting the cart before the horse.
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This is something I was telling you at the bar, or maybe I was too drunk and only thought I was saying it.
 
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uberrogo said:
Which one of you is the main decision maker? It sounds like he is describing you as a person that will do whatever fun thing he wants without argueing. I would have taken it as being told I am a push over or that I am too submissive. I dont know how girls would take it.
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I didn't take it that way at all, actually. Submissive or pushover never occurred to me.
I just took it to mean that we're both very different and challenge each other in different ways.
 
merrytrees said:
I didn't take it that way at all, actually. Submissive or pushover never occurred to me.
I just took it to mean that we're both very different and challenge each other in different ways.
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But isnt that a given? Why would he state that unless that is some kind of canned and generic answer?
 
Fix'd that for ya.
 
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