Why do some people tolerate infidelity?

[Artemisia]

I've been watching "The Affair" on Netflix and was disgusted by how certain couples tolerate infidelity. Basically, the main characters are cheating on their spouses and the spouses take them back, only for the main characters to cheat again.
I mean, for me if a significant other cheats, it's a deal breaker. You cheated because you don't care about me enough and if I take you back, it is almost certain that you will do it again. If trust is broken, there is nothing left.
The question is, do people tolerate infidelity because they are afraid of change (i.e., how will my life change without him/her?) or are they simply naive and assume that the person will not do it again?

 

[Free]

The question is, do people tolerate infidelity because they are afraid of change (i.e., how will my life change without him/her?) or are they simply naive and assume that the person will not do it again?

Undoubtedly I'm sure it happens out of fear of change or in hopes that the person has seen the error of her/his way, but there are many other reasons why. Though it is one of the top reasons for divorce, many legally married couples attempt to repair the damage for the sake of the marriage itself and for their dependents, if any. Many out there also do believe people can redeem themselves and their past actions with just as many people willing to give another chance. Love, security, fear of the unknown, low self-worth, and the fear of being alone all come into play. The actual reasons why people do this, though, we can only speculate.

 

[Trifoilum]

Because for many, redemption is still something real and not an ideal. And for many, forgiveness is seen as a virtue to achieve.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I've been watching "The Affair" on Netflix and was disgusted by how certain couples tolerate infidelity. Basically, the main characters are cheating on their spouses and the spouses take them back, only for the main characters to cheat again.
I mean, for me if a significant other cheats, it's a deal breaker. You cheated because you don't care about me enough and if I take you back, it is almost certain that you will do it again. If trust is broken, there is nothing left.
The question is, do people tolerate infidelity because they are afraid of change (i.e., how will my life change without him/her?) or are they simply naive and assume that the person will not do it again?

In an unbalance relationship where the cheater provides more value, but less attachment.

 

[Jet]

You cheated because you don't care about me enough

This is actually not a valid statement. Most people cheat because of opportunity and self motivated factors, they don't even consider their SO. Many very happily and in love people cheat. Its not about you its about them.

do people tolerate infidelity because they are afraid of change or are they simply naive and assume that the person will not do it again?

Or because there are things worse than infidelity, or maybe the benefits of a cheating spouse outweigh divorce, or maybe they too are cheating and are fine with it because of the other comforts their marriage provides, because they genuinely believe the person has changed and have forgiven them, because they aren't aware their SO is cheating, because of the kids, because of the shame, because they can't afford a divorce, because its just about the sex and everything else in the relationship is fine.

There are a lot of reasons people tolerate infidelity.

 

[the]

Its too much trouble to hire new actors just because they got dumped by the other characters.

 

[CindyLou]

This is actually not a valid statement. Most people cheat because of opportunity and self motivated factors, they don't even consider their SO. Many very happily and in love people cheat. Its not about you its about them.


Or because there are things worse than infidelity, or maybe the benefits of a cheating spouse outweigh divorce, or maybe they too are cheating and are fine with it because of the other comforts their marriage provides, because they genuinely believe the person has changed and have forgiven them, because they aren't aware their SO is cheating, because of the kids, because of the shame, because they can't afford a divorce, because its just about the sex and everything else in the relationship is fine.

There are a lot of reasons people tolerate infidelity.

This.

I've never seen the series so I don't know anything about it but I can think of plenty of reasons a person would tolerate infidelity. Merge your life with another person for over 10 years with a kid or two and things begin to look a little bit different than walking away from someone you've been with for a year or two. Losing half your retirement and not seeing your kids every night are huge costs that cannot be recovered. There are times when it is perfectly reasonable to try and fix a relationship if everyone is on board with saving it.

 

[Jet]

This.

I've never seen the series so I don't know anything about it but I can think of plenty of reasons a person would tolerate infidelity. Merge your life with another person for over 10 years with a kid or two and things begin to look a little bit different than walking away from someone you've been with for a year or two. Losing half your retirement and not seeing your kids every night are huge costs that cannot be recovered. There are times when it is perfectly reasonable to try and fix a relationship if everyone is on board with saving it.

exactly!!! I always feel a little sad for people who say they can't imagine any reason why they would stay after infidelity or why they would ever kill someone or and other "unthinkable" action. Such a weak imagination they must have, I can easily think of reasons I would do almost anything.

 

[CindyLou]

exactly!!! I always feel a little sad for people who say they can't imagine any reason why they would stay after infidelity or why they would ever kill someone or and other "unthinkable" action. Such a weak imagination they must have, I can easily think of reasons I would do almost anything.

Yes I completely agree with you.

It's good to be aware of what we are capable of doing and imaging all these scenarios, I think. It keeps you from dropping your guard and not being weak should life tempt you with a scenario you've imagined lol

 

[Littlelissa]

On top of all the other reasons, e.g. having a family together, being a part of each others history, etc.
I would say loving someone enough, and wanting to forgive them and stay together is a good reason to stay. I think it depends how you feel about the person, and if you trust them and love them enough to still want to be with them.

If it was me I'd like to hope I'd stay for positive reasons, like those I stated, and because on balance it was what I wanted. I wouldn't want to stay though through fear, or if I really felt I couldn't trust the person anymore. However difficult it might be to leave. (However given the current economic climate and difficulties people have - this may be easier said than done).

Also if your truly unhappy in the relationship I think staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is not positive for anyone in the family and sets a bad example to children about relationships. e.g. setting the president that staying in unhappy relationships is the' right thing' to do. However I can imagine wanting to stay through wanting to see my kids everyday, so who really can say.

 

[CindyLou]

Agree @melissa*

Your last point - I don't think that staying in a unhappy relationship where there is no abuse present sets a bad example. Relationships are like rollercoasters. Sometimes you are high and sometimes you have lows. Sometimes the lows last years but if you get through them you go up again. I think it's the best gift a person can give their children; stability and the ability to work through and endure a relationship for at least 18 years lol

 

[Littlelissa]

Agree @melissa*

Your last point - I don't think that staying in a unhappy relationship where there is no abuse present sets a bad example. Relationships are like rollercoasters. Sometimes you are high and sometimes you have lows. Sometimes the lows last years but if you get through them you go up again. I think it's the best gift a person can give their children; stability and the ability to work through and endure a relationship for at least 18 years lol

Well if you have to lol, i'll lol back to you..lol,
My opinion is that if you are deeply unhappy, that does set a bad example to your kids. If you are going through a rough patch that is different. I'm talking about being categorically unhappy in the relationship and knowing there is no way back, but staying anyway. That is not a gift to your kids, as far as I see it.

 

[CindyLou]

Well if you have to lol, i'll lol back to you..lol,
My opinion is that if you are deeply unhappy, that does set a bad example to your kids. If you are going through a rough patch that is different. I'm talking about being categorically unhappy in the relationship and knowing there is no way back, but staying anyway. That is not a gift to your kids, as far as I see it.

I added an lol to try and convey that I wasn't being aggressive with my opinion.

Did you take it another way? I'm confused.

 

[Littlelissa]

I added an lol to try and convey that I wasn't being aggressive with my opinion.

Did you take it another way? I'm confused.

Whenever you say lol I think your laughing at my opinion. That's what it looks like to me...anyway I'm not one to take offence and I completely accept you explanation...

But do you not think,- I accept your point, that it is a great example to kids if you can work through it...but what if you know the relationship is done, no love or happiness left...wouldn't it be better to leave then? Maybe you had a great example yourself of parents working through difficulties...??
I come from a 'broken' home ha ha!

Also I apologise for misunderstanding your lol...you can lol with me all you like now!

I'm really glad I understand what you mean...and no misunderstandings now! But where are you @CindyLou have I upset you? :confused1:


I guess I must be low on the trusting stakes...high on the suspicion stakes. No easy being brought up by a narcissist mum. My sincerest apologies @CindyLou.

 

[CindyLou]

Whenever you say lol I think your laughing at my opinion. That's what it looks like to me...anyway I'm not one to take offence and I completely accept you explanation...

But do you not think,- I accept your point, that it is a great example to kids if you can work through it...but what if you know the relationship is done, no love or happiness left...wouldn't it be better to leave then? Maybe you had a great example yourself of parents working through difficulties...??
I come from a 'broken' home ha ha!

Also I apologise for misunderstanding your lol...you can lol with me all you like now!

I'm really glad I understand what you mean...and no misunderstandings now! But where are you @CindyLou have I upset you? :confused1:

No I am here !

Aw, you are wonderful! So sweet. I am fine. Thank you. I am good, sorry I am just multitasking at the moment and got pulled away. I am not upset at all. xx

Yeah, I think I had a great example with my parents. And both sets of grandparents! Maybe I'm too idealistic in this area and need to put my feet on the ground. I don't want to though.

If the relationship is done and there's no turning back? There isn't even friendship left? I can't fathom this, but I'm sure it's terrible and it ought to probably end. I just don't know, I see a lot of divorces that probably didn't have to happen.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I am disappointed in you all

 

[acd]

I don't imagine my SO would cheat on me, but if he did, I can imagine reasons why I would try to work it out... Our entire lives are wrapped up in one another's. We have a son together, a mortgage together, we rely on one another financially (though I'm sure we could go it alone, it would be rough at first). If we didn't own a house or have a child or almost a decade together maybe it would be easier to just end it. I do know a woman who divorced her husband while she was pregnant because her husband had an affair! I think that was incredibly gutsy of her and I really respect her courage to do that. I'd probably want to try and work it out if it were me. But maybe I wouldn't. It's hard to say. I can be pretty unpredictable.

 

[CindyLou]

I guess I must be low on the trusting stakes...high on the suspicion stakes. @CindyLou.

Me too. I know how you feel.

 

[hush]

Sometimes you are high and sometimes you have lows.

Sorry, but...

 

[Jet]

My opinion is that if you are deeply unhappy, that does set a bad example to your kids. If you are going through a rough patch that is different. I'm talking about being categorically unhappy in the relationship and knowing there is no way back, but staying anyway. That is not a gift to your kids, as far as I see it.

Some people will never be happy. Some will be even more unhappy outside of their relationship. If the relationship is healthy despite the unhappiness that is a great lesson to show kids.

The issue arises when unhappiness leads to an unhealthy relationship or vice versa, which is far more common than an unhappy person in a healthy relationship.