What Percentage of Male INFJ's are Single?

[Stillwater]

I'm wondering about those whose way of life is pretty much as a single person. As a straight male INFJ approaching age 50 I've been single for about the past 20 years. While I'm not ruling out a future partner I'm wondering if being an INFJ is part of the equation.

I've only met one other INFJ that I'm aware of and he was age 30 and single. However, he was on a dating site but wasn't having much luck.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

[the]

110%

 

[cvp12gh5]

110%

110%? No way.

125%.

 

[Stillwater]

So you're saying there's hope then?

 

[invisible]

I think we tend to be lone wolf types for various reasons.

 

[Stillwater]

I didn't realize that there's already some information on this on different websites.

Here's a good one from Reddit in the thread - Anyone else perpetually single?
https://www.reddit.com/r/infj/comments/3bv11y/anyone_else_perpetually_single/#bottom-comments

 

[James]

I'm wondering about those whose way of life is pretty much as a single person. As a straight male INFJ approaching age 50 I've been single for about the past 20 years. While I'm not ruling out a future partner I'm wondering if being an INFJ is part of the equation.

I've only met one other INFJ that I'm aware of and he was age 30 and single. However, he was on a dating site but wasn't having much luck.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I am a 46 year old, straight male INFJ recently separated, so yes sadly now single. I'm not afraid of that, it many ways it gives me an opportunity to do some things I would not have been able to, but I don't see myself being single for the rest of my life. Although it's daunting, I know, that in order to change that, I will have to get out there and make it happen. Perhaps as INFJs we are sometimes a little reluctant to do that ?

Although the idea of it may feel scary, and I haven't been single since I was 24, I think I have learned a lot of things. I am taking it that you made a choice to remain single, and if that suits you and you feel happy like that, I see nothing wrong with it. I think society tends to stigmatize single people at times, like everyone 'has' to be in a relationship. They don't.

If what you are saying is you are thinking about getting out there again, and seeing people? Then why not give it a go. Maybe join some social clubs, activities etc, and get to meet some new people. The workplace, and through friends is another good place, if that is what you are thinking of. I'm not sure exactly what you were asking, but I don't think you are single because you are an INFJ. Plenty of INFJs are married and in relationships, many of them do work out, even if mine didn't. I think an INFJ is just as capable of overcoming their introversion and stepping out to seek a partner, if they want, as any other type.

Also, we can bring a little poetry, quirkiness and empathy along to get the ball rolling, if we so choose.

Good luck with things whatever you decide.

 

[invisible]

I'm wondering about those whose way of life is pretty much as a single person. As a straight male INFJ approaching age 50 I've been single for about the past 20 years. While I'm not ruling out a future partner I'm wondering if being an INFJ is part of the equation.

I've only met one other INFJ that I'm aware of and he was age 30 and single. However, he was on a dating site but wasn't having much luck.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Why do you think you've been single this long Stillwater? Do you think it's to do with being INFJ?

It seems like I get a lot of interest, but I can't really find a match that suits me. I don't think I'm being too picky exactly, my interest just doesn't always match up at the right time.

 

[Stillwater]

Thanks James. I think there are mixed reasons why I'm single.

For an an INFJ I don't think being sensitive and emotional helps very much. Career wise it helps to have a good paycheck or at least a decide one to date. I'm definitely lacking in this area - to say the least.

I'm quite different from a group of friends I've had since high school; their fields are architecture, biotech, sales, and programming. We get along great but I can't imagine myself doing any of the jobs my friends can do (capability wise mostly).

I think its important to mention that growing up in a dysfunctional environment has made my role as a male confusing too.

I'm starting to reach out more with social group and activities as you mentioned. I think having a close group of friends would be good. While I meet with my old group of friends a few times a year making new ones would be a good thing I think.

Thank you for your story and response to my question James. This is helpful.

 

[Stillwater]

Why do you think you've been single this long Stillwater? Do you think it's to do with being INFJ?

It seems like I get a lot of interest, but I can't really find a match that suits me. I don't think I'm being too picky exactly, my interest just doesn't always match up at the right time.

Hi,

Earlier I got a lot of interest too. For some reason I just never really felt comfortable in my shoes. Also I was the opposite - I was way too picky I think

Talk therapy has been helping me sort some of this stuff out. Especially the part about getting out there and being more involved with people.

Thanks for the question. It's good to get this type of feedback from another INFJ.

 

[James]

Thanks James. I think there are mixed reasons why I'm single.

For an an INFJ I don't think being sensitive and emotional helps very much. Career wise it helps to have a good paycheck or at least a decide one to date. I'm definitely lacking in this area - to say the least.

I'm quite different from a group of friends I've had since high school; their fields are architecture, biotech, sales, and programming. We get along great but I can't imagine myself doing any of the jobs my friends can do (capability wise mostly).

I think its important to mention that growing up in a dysfunctional environment has made my role as a male confusing too.

I'm starting to reach out more with social group and activities as you mentioned. I think having a close group of friends would be good. While I meet with my old group of friends a few times a year making new ones would be a good thing I think.

Thank you for your story and response to my question James. This is helpful.

Ok - I think that's good you are taking the initiative and that's progress if you want to maybe find a partner. I think I detect that you are feeling a high status job or money is an obstacle, but honestly ? I think it may mean less than you believe, and knowing INFJ as I do ? Just because we are quiet about our talents, does not mean, we do not possess them.

So I think if you choose to - you could maybe improve your career prospects too. I understand confidence can be an issue, mine has taken a bit of a beating recently lol, but I am still me. I find usually with INFJs as well as being creative and sensitive they have some inner grit and courage. We have to, or we would not survive this world lol .

Post some things here (if you agree to) that you are good at, that would make you a good partner for someone, or a good employee or manager for a firm. Push aside any humility and be honest. When you are looking for a new job, or even a new partner, to some extent it is a 'sales pitch' you have to showcase your talents, your strengths, what you have to offer. I am going to bet, there's plenty, but you will uncomfortable to name them. Even if you do this privately, please give it a try, I think it will really help getting a more positive mindset established for you.

I will start you off with two things I have observed.

1) You are modest about yourself
2) You are polite to others

Good luck with things,
James

 

[Stillwater]

Thanks James. I appreciate the 2 compliments you mentioned. It's hard coming up with things that people say I'm good at doing so that's pretty nice I know I'm punctual, loyal, etc but its hard coming up with sharp skills. I've learned over time though, that empathy appears to be one. Now that you have me thinking of what my skills might be I went back and reviewed an assessment I took a few years ago.

Have you heard of Strengthsfinder 2.0 by Gallup? According to the assessment my top 5 "INFJ" results are:

1 Empathy: People especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

2 Connectedness: - People especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

3 Context: People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.

4 Restorative: People especially talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

5 Intellection: People especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

Still not quite sure what to do with this but perhaps a fresh look will be helpful.

 

[Asa]

I wonder if you researched why the mates of male INFJs are attracted to their partners if it would help. I don't think people are attracted to INFJs because we have high status jobs or killer paychecks.

From an INFJ female's POV, the list of traits you posted from Strengthsfinder is attractive.

I know 7 INFJs (male and female) and there is no pattern to their relationships, even if I see clear patterns about why aspects of their lives fail, including relationships.
I think INFJs have something people deeply crave. We make people feel understood and accepted. If you can get past the "looks good on paper" traits people say they want, being understood is at the top of many lists.

 

[James]

Thanks James. I appreciate the 2 compliments you mentioned. It's hard coming up with things that people say I'm good at doing so that's pretty nice I know I'm punctual, loyal, etc but its hard coming up with sharp skills. I've learned over time though, that empathy appears to be one. Now that you have me thinking of what my skills might be I went back and reviewed an assessment I took a few years ago.

Have you heard of Strengthsfinder 2.0 by Gallup? According to the assessment my top 5 "INFJ" results are:

1 Empathy: People especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

2 Connectedness: - People especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

3 Context: People especially talented in the Context theme enjoy thinking about the past. They understand the present by researching its history.

4 Restorative: People especially talented in the Restorative theme are adept at dealing with problems. They are good at figuring out what is wrong and resolving it.

5 Intellection: People especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

Still not quite sure what to do with this but perhaps a fresh look will be helpful.

Hi - very glad to see you went for that, I thought my post might have come across as too 'pushy'. I had not heard of Stengthsfinder, I will definitely check it out. I think that is a very good list to start with, and in all honesty ? I think a mature, well rounded INFJ who has adapted to the type (not over reacting to sensitive issues, aware of self, able to step out of introversion etc) can excel in a wide range of job roles.

I don't know you very well, but that is the vibe I'm getting. Some MBTI types 'push' to the front of the queue, whereas an INFJ is more likely to hold the door open for others. In life and in work. There does come a time to step forward though, and take the respect and credit you deserve for the work you do, and the contribution you make. It seems to me, maybe this is where you are landing now ?

I have led and coached many different types of people at work, some very loud and brash, and others very quiet and humble. From my experience the ones who were 'loud and knew it all' knew a lot less than they imagined, and conversely, some of the more quiet, reserved types? Had a lot more ability and commitment than they were aware of, or felt confident about.

You're an adult, so I think you will make up your own mind on what to do about things.

I think @Asa has hit the nail on the head in what potential partners may find attractive in an INFJ. My dad was INTJ and my mother INFJ, intellectually I would have put him ahead of her, but that is only one part of an equation. She had grace and courage, and a great deal of integrity and he was as devoted to her, as she him. They were far happier than relatives of ours who had much more money.

I hope this encourages you to press on to reach what it is you are looking for. At work I grew very tired of seeing deserving people left behind, as noisy self promoters grabbed opportunities they did not deserve. It'd be nice to see some of the quiet, more modest individuals get ahead for a change.

Best wishes.

 

[Ryso89]

110%? No way.

125%.

 

[cvp12gh5]

You'll have to be more specific.

 

[Ryso89]

You'll have to be more specific.

Uh, just reiterating the silver lining.

 

[Stillwater]

Thanks Asa. This is very interesting - and helpful! It's nice to know I can have some attractive traits. I also can recall how I've made people feel understood and accepted. I'll take another look at this and see how I can apply it more.

By the way, perhaps you already know this, but Asa means "morning" in Japanese

 

[Stillwater]

Thanks James. I don't think you were pushy at all. I actually needed that kind of direction. As a result I'm now taking a closer look at some of the personality assessments I have done in the past. It's nice to get a fresh look at some of the material. Also, I recognize now that I can be pretty innovative at times.

I appreciate your insight and help and for sharing some of your background. It's nice to see how another INFJ works "out in the field"

 

[Martinville]

I fell in love with my wife when I was 26. she is my first and only love. She is an ISFJ (most common type) btw and I am her first and only too. When I got to know her I just knew she was right for me. In fact I just knew I was going to meet somebody for about 6 month before we met. She liked me for showing sincere interest and empathy. She did not care about what kind of work I did (part time postman in those days and still student). My intuition is sometimes a great thing. It allowed me to be picky, knowing I was quite a different cookie but good at judging character. We just had to be at the right place. Meeting at a place we both preferred. The rest just progressed naturally so to speak. I hope this wiĺl give you some hope. You might not need to focus on finding another INFJ. I think finding the right meetingplace is more important, and luck helps too.