We All Love Differently

[t56hg2bv]

One of the way I love is by not blaming my spouse publicly, throwing him under the bus, or letting him look bad. Even posting about this makes me cringe a bit.
I've taken the fall for some things I should not have, to save his face, but I just can't behave any other way.

I can not tell you how happy that makes me feel inside. I don't believe I've ever had someone that would do that for me.

You are absolutely beautiful inside and I can not say that enough. Your husband is a very lucky man.

BTW, we won't tell you said anything. This is completely between us.

 

[Asa]

@FreeSp1r1t - Thank you for appreciating that about me. And thank you for the kind compliments. I assure you, I have a fierce side that isn't much fun, or very likable at all. I've displayed this on the forum a bit, but I try to stay out of those threads.

 

[d4mat]

I think in this modern world, true love (without any selfish material motives) is becoming rare.
Hope the partner who feels a lot, learns how to deal with things.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

One of the way I love is by not blaming my spouse publicly, throwing him under the bus, or letting him look bad. Even posting about this makes me cringe a bit.
I've taken the fall for some things I should not have, to save his face, but I just can't behave any other way.

Good response!

 

[Asa]

A handful of people have in-boxed me asking if there is something going on beneath the dog issue my husband and I are having. Thank you all so much for caring and looking out for me.
The answer is: No.
I am angry, so even though I am trying to be fair to him when I post about it, you're probably picking up on that tension.
We've been together for ages, and everyone has stuff to work through in life and has their faults and quirks, but we have a good relationship.
Animals are very important to me, and I view their lives and human lives as equal in importance. (I'm vegan, too, to give some perspective.) So, my point of view may be extreme for some.

This dilemma made me think about how so much heartache and conflict comes from people simply loving differently, or being friends differently, or having a different sense of loyalty, or what it means to be family, etc, and if we acknowledge that, it is easier to work through issues and heal when something doesn't go as we'd like. I really want to know how this manifests in your lives, how you handle it, and if you think it is function based, so we can help each other get past these conflicts.

<3 Lots of love to you all, big-hearted INFJ-forum peeps.

 

[t56hg2bv]

A handful of people have in-boxed me asking if there is something going on beneath the dog issue my husband and I are having. Thank you all so much for caring and looking out for me.
The answer is: No.
I am angry, so even though I am trying to be fair to him when I post about it, you're probably picking up on that tension.
We've been together for ages, and everyone has stuff to work through in life and has their faults and quirks, but we have a good relationship.
Animals are very important to me, and I view their lives and human lives as equal in importance. (I'm vegan, too, to give some perspective.) So, my point of view may be extreme for some.

This dilemma made me think about how so much heartache and conflict comes from people simply loving differently, or being friends differently, or having a different sense of loyalty, or what it means to be family, etc, and if we acknowledge that, it is easier to work through issues and heal when something doesn't go as we'd like. I really want to know how this manifests in your lives, how you handle it, and if you think it is function based, so we can help each other get past these conflicts.

<3 Lots of love to you all, big-hearted INFJ-forum peeps.

Wish I could answer that in a manner that was not conflicted. Ask me again in 6 months.

Still wanted to provide support and understanding.

To me, my cat is an extension of me. There have been times when I felt him under attack and it was if I was being attacked. Under similar circumstances in the future, I would probably say very sternly exactly how I feel about any treatment (passive aggressive or aggressive) in his direction. But, like I said, I'm conflicted and my insight might be over the top extreme. I'm not okay with anything that is counter to anything but love for him because he is part of me.

 

[SuperManda]

To answer the original questions,

1. How do you love? = By being creative and taking a stake in the positive outcome of another! I actually used to study mortuary science, and I have a thing I do where I write a poem to honor every person who dies. It sounds dumb, but it comforts people. I also wrote a class song once where every classmate was mentioned on a different line of the song (whatever special thing they were known for), which helped to create team spirit. After that, the class began talking more and got more inspired. I think "random intangible gifts/talents that you share" could be a means of accomplishing love. Then again, even holding the door for someone could be love too, if the alternative is that somebody gets hit with it. Love likely varies in intensity, depending upon what the circumstance calls for. It may be an issue where two spouses look at the same circumstance (like this thing with the dog) and have a different level of "arousal" about how much action to take, or perhaps different levels of love toward the dog. Not all people view animals as equal to humans, but (again, having studied the dead), I believe that whatever gives us spirit also gives the animals spirit. So whatever happens to us is what happens to them in the end. They also say you can judge a society by how they treat their animals. I digress...

2. Love= Doesn't tangibly exist in my opinion, or at least that's what they taught me in AP bio years ago, haha! It starts out hormonally when we're born... A mother's oxytocin is to bond you to her. Later, your own oxytocin is to bond you to the spouse you've chosen, and finally to the next generation. There are other hormones involved, like dopamine, but I'm trying to bring this baby in for a landing. Cavewomen were single-mothers typically by the time the kids were about age 4, since the cavemen would wander off to start the next family. Hormones back in those days only lasted up to 4 years (they did not live very long lifespans)... Today, we have the "7 year itch" because we live longer, and we have things like female birth control that alter one's natural chemicals. I think of everything related to love in terms of biology... evolution had to keep us going somehow, so this "marriage" thing seemed to work for a temporary period of time. I don't think biology intended for all humans to be monogamous and committed beyond 7 years though. Some lucky people are wired to do so (and that's super, because we need good parents out there!), but I think with the divorce rate at 50%, it's fair to say that perhaps half of people have the "cavepeople preference" or whatever. Then the kids of divorced people may grow up jaded, and have a different understanding of love (perhaps a more materialistic view) compared to their classmates who came from 2-parent households, and it becomes a vicious cycle of divorce.

3. Loyalty= Doing what you say you're going to do... this is a lot of the duty/commitment type of stuff. You can be a "loyal" employee, for example, if you have good attendance and promote the mission of the agency. The same thing is true for friends and family, only the mission of a family or a friendship is different.

4. Friendship= giving and receiving honest feedback; feeling like you're with people who represent what you believe in. I think the Ancient Greeks had this down pat. “One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” -- Seneca

 

[Deleted member 10171]

A handful of people have in-boxed me asking if there is something going on beneath the dog issue my husband and I are having. Thank you all so much for caring and looking out for me.
The answer is: No.
I am angry, so even though I am trying to be fair to him when I post about it, you're probably picking up on that tension.
We've been together for ages, and everyone has stuff to work through in life and has their faults and quirks, but we have a good relationship.
Animals are very important to me, and I view their lives and human lives as equal in importance. (I'm vegan, too, to give some perspective.) So, my point of view may be extreme for some..

Thank you Asa. I was actually thinking of you yesterday so your response is timely. I didn't think there was anything going on beneath the dog issue but did wonder if the dog WAS the issue (still haven't got round to reading all the posts in this thread so only going on your initial post). I wondered whether your SO feels the same way as you do about the dog? Does he also know how you feel about the situation? It's possible that he is just having difficulty amalgamating you and the dog as one (that sounds weird but I hope/think you know what I mean).

Married to an INTJ too so it goes without saying that they can sometimes have a bout of tunnel vision syndrome , particularly when they are focused on a specific project - causing them to lose track of priorities and what is important etc. Anyway the faults and quirks you describe is normal and all part of being in a relationship so hoping for a quick resolution for you both and the dog.

As for your questions....Is it function based.....
I think on some level functions do play a part (helps me to understand their perception, stance, approach etc) and is certainly paramount early on in the relationship when you're learning about each other (as well as yourself). Also being able to identify and separate personal identity and inherited traits or unhealthy life scripts that we've accidentally picked up along the way - courtesy of our family, friends and experiences etc is also fundamental in understanding our partner, friend, family etc.

Loving differently....will try and post tomorrow...got to go xx

 

[Asa]

@Isabella – I think it is tunnel vision on his part, plus a bit of that INTJ smugness where he thinks he is too smart to be wrong and others are stupid or inept if they don't share his opinions or ideas. Everyone else (the horse people, my family, etc) thinks something needs to be done. The dog is eventually going to be killed or seriously injured if this is not addressed, and the horses could get hurt, too.

My SO has not seen the behavior first-hand, though, so he doesn't understand how out of control the dog is acting, and how difficult it is to stop his behavior. It's a frenzy!

I'm doing everything I can to train the dog and keep him safe. He behaves most of the time when he is alone w/ me, though, unless a horse distracts him. It is hard to correct poor behavior when he is happily obeying me. I can praise him for being good, but there is nothing to correct. He didn't even chase a deer because I told him, "No." He just stood still and watched it run off.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Oh crap! I'm sorry @Asa - that's a horrible and stressful situation to be in and those poor animals too! I didn't realise the potential haphazard urgency of the situation and putting the welfare of these animals at unnecessary risk of injury/death is unacceptable. This has nothing to do with type/functions or anything else - just simple common sense. There is a responsibility towards the life of the dog and the horses - I'm angry too! Hope it gets resolved soon.

This dilemma made me think about how so much heartache and conflict comes from people simply loving differently, or being friends differently, or having a different sense of loyalty, or what it means to be family, etc, and if we acknowledge that, it is easier to work through issues and heal when something doesn't go as we'd like. I really want to know how this manifests in your lives, how you handle it, and if you think it is function based, so we can help each other get past these conflicts.

Communication, communication, communication is the key for us - I cannot stress it enough. We are explicitly (brutal but kind) honest, open and make ourselves vulnerable to each other when issues arise. We try to listen, respect, understand each other and even when we don't agree - we push on patiently until we find a solution. Sounds easy and straightforward but the actual process often isn't but we persevere.

I have posted a detailed response to a similar question somewhere else on this forum....will see if I can locate it and post here (if it's relevant). Will try and find it now....(may take a bit of time as I'm getting interrupted every so often). xx

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Found the link - started by @Gaze Titled:
"8 Lessons I've Learned in 12 Years of Marriage"

https://www.infjs.com/threads/8-lessons-ive-learned-in-12-years-of-marriage.29893/

Hope the link works! Putting your SO first is the way to go! xx

 

[Asa]

Thank you, @Isabella. <3

Yes, that is why it is a big deal.

In our 20+ years together I would definitely include a lot of those points on marriage, but there would be others.

My SO just will not budge. It really is because he doesn't get how serious this is. He also thinks we will lose the dog's trust if we send him away, and that will make it worse in the long run. (I think he is projecting human emotion onto the dog.)
We communicate well, but we hardly ever disagree, and rarely get in each other's way. He is skeptical of my point of view... thinks because I'm emotional about it that I am exaggerating, and it is a little like arguing politics with Event Horizon. (No offense to EH, but that is a prime example of neither side getting anywhere with an INFJ and an INTJ that most of the forum is familiar with.)

There are factors that prevent me from doing it without his permission, or I would.


He's busy with another crisis, too, and that crisis is about duty. So, he sees me asking him to set aside duty to deal with something that I "must be blowing out of proportion", and not fulfilling duty is dishonorable.