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The Onion

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Post your favorite stories or comment on them. I used to read them but forgot all about it until someone posted a link to an article. Forgot how funny they could be. I'm not so much interested in the discussion of the politics, but the ability to make satire out of almost anything. Not a fan of ones that are mean or insulting, but just generally funny.




Spooked Rubio Staffers Drive Slowly Past Abandoned Jeb Bush Campaign Headquarters


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[FONT=gandhi_serifregular]NEWS IN BRIEF
February 25, 2016
VOL 52 ISSUE 07 Politics · Politicians · Election 2016 · Jeb Bush · Marco Rubio


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MIAMI―Speaking in hushed tones as they peered out at the derelict structure sitting vacant behind an empty, overgrown parking lot, spooked members of Sen. Marco Rubio’s presidential campaign were seen driving slowly past the abandoned headquarters of former candidate Jeb Bush last night. “Look at the debate prep notes still written on the whiteboards and the polling data piled on the desks―it’s as if people were working here like normal and they just suddenly disappeared,” said one Rubio staffer, who shuddered as he pointed to a half-spilled box of bumper stickers sitting near a dumpster and a limp, faded banner reading “Jeb!” dangling from a back wall. “I heard that sometimes, late at night, if you’re walking by this place, you can still hear the sound of Bush’s chief messaging officer walking him through his talking points. This place gives me the creeps.” After a flash of lightning revealed the ghostly silhouette of a man believed to have been Bush’s senior strategist for South Carolina standing rigidly in a second-floor window, the Rubio campaign workers reportedly let out loud screams and sped away into the night.
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http://www.theonion.com/article/spooked-rubio-staffers-drive-slowly-past-abandoned-52425
 
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Ted Cruz Provides Detailed Response
To Moderator’s Question About Why His Face Is So Fucking Infuriating


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“Ever since I was a child, I have had a weaselly, piece-of-shit face that you can’t help but want to hit, and that’s never changed—how many other candidates on this stage can say that?” said Cruz, adding that oftentimes when he looks in the mirror, even he wants to drive a screwdriver through his eyes so he never has to see his stupid, boxy head and waggling, doughy chin ever again.
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http://www.theonion.com/article/ted-cruz-provides-detailed-response-moderators-que-52433​
 
Are videos ok? Sorry if you only want articles, I just find this to be one of the absolute best things The Onion has ever produced

[video=youtube;8AyVh1_vWYQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AyVh1_vWYQ[/video]
 
Wyote said:
Are videos ok? Sorry if you only want articles, I just find this to be one of the absolute best things The Onion has ever produced

[video=youtube;8AyVh1_vWYQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AyVh1_vWYQ[/video]
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LOLOLOL

This one was pretty damned good though too!


[video=youtube;Vo1IwmaUz90]https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Vo1IwmaUz90[/video]
 
I laugh every time.

[video=youtube;o6JFUWgiGwc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6JFUWgiGwc[/video]
 
What was I thinking? *facedesk*
 
It's OK, kind of mixed. I usually get a laugh. I like the stuff they write about daily life dramas and how much people overreact to things and judge others. Recently they seem to have done a bunch of ridiculous comparisons to addiction (eg. "Little boy completely addicted to watching trains, always needs another hit"), and it's just like ok, this joke is really not very clever.
 
JJJA said:
I laugh every time.

[video=youtube;o6JFUWgiGwc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6JFUWgiGwc[/video]
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AA sounds about right for him. But what is his addiction: alcohol or adrenalin? Perhaps both.
 
[video=youtube;TdPuEqeG3Xw]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdPuEqeG3Xw[/video]

This is real though! It is not some damn joke! :fish:
 
Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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[FONT=gandhi_serifregular]NEWS IN BRIEFFebruary 16, 2016
VOL 52 ISSUE 06 Books · Culture ·Entertainment · History


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RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece. “The Doggy is a gripping tale of a playful 3-year-old yellow Labrador retriever in the Yukon and shows London, the master of vivid naturalist prose, at the height of his literary powers,” said Columbia University professor Andrew Spellman of the longhand manuscript that is believed to have been penned in 1908 and chronicles the everyday life of a dog named Cody as he gnaws on fur-lined boots, scampers after tennis balls, and gives big, wet, sloppy kisses. “Indeed, one cannot read The Doggy without feeling the author’s intensity for the subject, from the untamed ferocity of Cody’s howls when he hears the doorbell ring, to the raw yearning seen in the doggy’s eyes when he wants his big old tummy rubbed.” According to Spellman, this is the most significant discovery in American literature since a copy of Robert Frost’s unpublished poem “Brrrrrr, It’s Cold” turned up in 2003.
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http://www.theonion.com/article/lost-jack-london-manuscript-doggy-found-52368
 
Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

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Mr. Autumn Man, enjoying a seasonal stroll.

BOSTON–The twigs and acorns crunching pleasurably beneath his boots, Mr. Autumn Man Dennis Clemons, 32, reportedly strolled down Massachusetts Avenue on Wednesday wearing a gray sweater over a plaid collared shirt as he cradled a cup of pumpkin-spiced coffee and relished the crisp October morning.

“Nothing beats autumn in New England,” said His Excellency, the Duke of Fall, who began the day swaddled in a warm flannel blanket, gazing out the window at the golden-hued landscape, as is his custom this time of year. “Everywhere the leaves are changing and the temperature is starting to drop off. You can smell it in the air.”

“Tonight it may even dip into the 30s,” added the cozy autumnal personage, who at several points wrapped both hands around his warm container of coffee and inhaled deeply. “Perfect weather for building a fire.”

Mr. Fall, who sources speculate loves Thanksgiving, butternut squash soup, homecoming parades, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” apple-picking, and haunted hayrides, emerges reliably every year around this time in his traditional uniform, sometimes alternating his iconic sweater with a fleece vest or pullover.

The Autumnal Ambassador is also believed to be an avid consumer of seasonal produce, his home and hearth redolent of roasting Indian corn, gourds, and other root vegetables.

“I’m thinking about taking a trip to Salem with my girlfriend this weekend,” said Mr. Autumn Man, trying to decide whether to wear beige or brown corduroy pants for the excursion with his leather-gloved counterpart, Ms. Autumn Woman. “The variety of colors is incredible once you get out of the city.”

“Between the trees and the forest floor, it’s like a giant mural,” continued the veritable High Priest of the Harvest Season, adding that he would soon have to rake his driveway, an activity for which he will most certainly don a cashmere scarf.

Sources said that in addition to snuggling up on the couch sipping hot apple cider and watching Meet Me In St. Louis on DVD, Mr. Autumn Man will also spend part of the weekend meeting up with his friends, the Autumn Gang, to watch fall sports and eat fall snacks.

“Getting together with the guys for football and wings is kind of like a tradition,” said the walking, talking essence of the Northern Hemisphere’s annual tilt away from the sun. “From pretty much September onwards, no Sunday afternoon feels complete without it.”

“You’ve got to take it all in and enjoy it while you still can, though, because December will be here in the blink of an eye,” he added.

According to reports, Mr. Fall will then put on a down jacket with a fur-trimmed hood, buy a lift ticket at a local ski slope, and start getting short with people at work because the early sunset “affects his mood,” thus signaling the completion of his metamorphosis into Mr. Wintertime Asshole Man.
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http://www.theonion.com/article/mr-autumn-man-walking-down-street-with-cup-of-coff-29866
 
Leonardo DiCaprio Morphs Back Into Hairy, Overweight Iowan After Finally Receiving Oscar

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LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar. “This is great—I’ve been waiting for one of these things for a long time. Now, I can finally go back home to Boone and get back to driving a flatbed truck for a living,” said the disheveled DiCaprio, scratching at his itchy scalp and causing dandruff flakes to flutter down to his shoulders as his tuxedo transformed into a tattered, mustard-stained flannel shirt. “I’m gonna put this on the shelf next to my bowling trophies. I can’t wait to celebrate tonight with a 30 rack of Busch.” At press time, DiCaprio was escorted off the stage by a visibly repulsed model trying to keep her distance from the foul-smelling actor.
 
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