The INFJ and Polyamory/Relationship anarchy

[anarkandi]

8 Points on Relationship Anarchy
By Andie Nordgren (translation by Leo Nordwall and Elli

 

[Peppermint]

You having feelings for others or a history together doesn't give you the right to set rules or make demands. Try instead to explore how you can develop a relationship without disregarding each others essential values and opinions.

More people need to learn this regardless of the kind of relationship they're in.

 

[Vict]

Setting rules and making demands is effective at weeding out the incompatibilities.

 

[Untitled]

I think it's a good thing for a person to be aware of what kind of behavior they like and what they aren't willing to live with. Obviously you shouldn't try to control anyone, allowing people to make their own decisions even if the outcome is not what you want, but it's absolutely fine and actually necessary to express it if someone's behavior upsets you or if you're not going to live with someone behaving in that way. I think you should express yourself in the moment true to yourself (but the delivery should be thoughtful too) and let people make informed decisions based on that. I'd personally have a problem with polyamory because it's not how I'd want to live and any person wanting to live like that would not be compatible with me.

 

[knight in battle]

your relationship to one doesn't diminish your relationships to the others.

They say that each dyadic relationship has 3 entities (1 relationship): You, Me, and our Relationship.

And if there are three people, there are 6 entities:
1. You (my relationship with myself)
2. Me (your relationship with yourself)
3. Him (his relationship with himself)
4. your relationship with Him
5. your relationship with Me
6. my relationship with Him
7. the combined relationship between the three of us.

Don't value and compare – appreciate each other!

Lol. Surrrre. But it's nice to try.

Rather than compromising in every situation, make it possible to make different choices without letting that cause a crisis in the relationship. Demandlessness is the only way to be completely sure that everyone in a relationship is there of their own free will. It's not “real love” to adjust to each other according to an existing template.

Yes, I totally agree. My ESFP therapist was wrong when he said that people won't change unless you bring up something you want them to change within the relationship; but what if compromising is what kills real love?

Don't allow your relationships to be driven by fear of societal norms.

This is easiest in a dyadic friendship, since there's no third party to enforce societal norms.

How do you want others to treat you? And I mean everyone. What are your premises and how do you define your boundaries? What kind of people do you want to have around and how do you want your relationships to be?

Lots of questions in one mouthful. But basically I want people to be as curious about me as I am about them. But this doesn't work in every relationship, clearly.

Whenever people do something together there is a norm on how to act and what to do – a norm on how a the situation should turn out. If you and people around you won't talk about the whats, hows and whys, everything will turn out as the norm dictates. Communication, common action and a will to change is the only way to break free from the norms. Radical relationships must have open discussions as their main component, not as a state of emergency

I wish. But first I have to break out of the "norms" of how to "communicate."