Suddenly a nurturing type

[Artemisia]

During the past few months, I finished my PhD and am done with obtaining degrees. Ever since I've finished, I've found myself to be such a nurturer for my friends, relationships, even strangers, a trait which I never had before now as I always saw myself as selfish.

I am 31 years old and used to test as INTJ but lately have been testing as an INFJ. Is it common among INFJs to suddenly realise they are nurturers or have I been supressing this aspect of myself?

 

[Gaze]

Pursuit of education especially for a long period of time can lead us to assume things about ourselves if we haven't been focusing on the other aspects of our selves or lives while devoting our time to studies. I have the same experience in that I was in school for about 12 years including grad school, and didn't really have a chance to properly develop personal relationships outside of work and school. This lead me to assume I was a selfish person who could never be there for someone else as a partner in a relationship. It's only when I stepped away from an academic environment that I started to discover aspects of who I was, that I never realized or would have thought were a part of me. Intense studies has the tendency to make someone feel cordoned off from parts of ourselves and others because we are focusing on developing our intellectual faculties. We're not exploring social or personal relationships areas at the time, so it's easy to assume those qualities aren't there because it's not something we yet had the chance to identify and exercise. Yep, it's a weird thing. And age is also a part of it. Especially for women, when you've reached a point where you accomplished or achieved something which makes you feel satisfied and fulfilled, you may find yourself starting to want to give or contribute since you had the opportunity to satisfy your actualization needs through education. It's also why 30s are significant for women, because you start to appreciate aspects of yourself more so because you no longer feel a pressure to compete or prove yourself anymore. Your mind feels more free to engage in personal pursuits and explore.

 

[Artemisia]

Pics, you are right on! I knew this subconsciously and now you just confirmed it. It is like advanced education makes you overuse the rational part of your brain in daily life too; do this for a prolonged period of time and you come across as selfish and not interested. I'm now working on my emotional side, which I haven't done in my 20s, and am seeing positive results.

 

[Artemisia]

It's amazing how academia can suck the emotional part of your personality out of you. I never knew I even had it in me to be nurturing and focus primarily on other people.

 

[say what]

I think academics don't allow you to be nurturing and sensitive - which is complete 'stupidness' [I'm having a brainfart at the moment for the appropriate word!] as the whole concept of education is nurturing new students to blossom into scholars. Without nurturing and care, education lacks the encouragement of risk and creativity. Up until last year, I tried to build a hard shell, and be that cold heartless student that was all about facts, right/wrong, excelling over others, etc. - this is what I was taught to do, and who I've seen succeed...but I've realized it's not me, and it's not what brings me joy in life. I have been lucky to recently find a niche for me that has allowed me to embrace the nurturing side of me, and it's paid off. Students and peers value that in me, and are starting to see it as a strength and exceptional quality.

I think the culture of education needs to shift...which is hard.