[INFJ] Some oddities

[Dione]

Hi everyone!

(Sorry for possible errors in writing, english isn't my native language.)

I'm new here. Just found MBTI personality types and my type is INFJ. I must say that I've been overwhelmed of joy about how I suddenly became part of a group and my behaviour somewhat explainable. At the age of 37 I have already spent quite many years being irritated about how I can't get myself understood. Even by myself.

Many of my oddities I have now been able to label as an INFJ-thing. I don't know why it is so important, but it is. And feels good. On the other hand I have secretly always been proud about how unique I am so it's also a good thing that INFJ is the rarest MBTI type.

Tell me -fellow infjs- do you recognize yourself in these or is it jus me:

• Get offended easily but don't show it.
• Don't like people to laugh at you or call you silly even though you make jokes about yourself.
• When someone really hurts you, you are unable to forgive. But the funny part is that you won't let the other person ever know that. They think everything is okay.
• When you act against your own principles, you can't really forgive yourself. Ever.
• Want to express your deepest emotions and thoughts by writing. And get wounded when your emails are taken lightly or you don't get any response. Or if you are criticized about not talking face to face as though you were a coward.
• Really avoid making people worry about you, especially really close family members.
• Have to be able to manage everything on your own. Feel failed if you need to ask help. And almost offended if someone offers help without asking...
• Does anyone else talk a lot among some people and be quiet among others so that two sets of people who think they know you equally well describes you quite differently? (I'm talkative with friends, but quiet when I'm with family...)
• People say that talking about difficult things would help. But you get really mixed up in your words when you try to talk about feelings or some emotional issues and so get frustrated when that happens. And hate it when people say they understand and simplify things and you realize that you've have gone miles from your actual point and have bee utterly misunderstood. You feel worse than before opening your mouth. And the person you talked to asks that don't you just fee a lot better now.
• Intellectually understand that your behaviour is (sometimes) crazy or that other people didn't mean this or that or that for example forgiving would be good for your own sake. But you still can't change it. Like your emotions were a rollecoaster cart without breaks. There it goes again. Up and down. Try to hold on.

Yep. Maybe it's just me....

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Hey welcome. It's not just you, but i don't relate to most stuff here. However, some of the things you've listed like - Get offended easily but don't show it.
And - When someone really hurts you, you are unable to forgive. But the funny part is that you won't let the other person ever know that. They think everything is okay.

Those things described me a decade ago. I've grown out of them, changed myself for the better. I suggest you do the same. Meditation, Yoga, Taichi, NLP, whatever your cup of tea might be, consider starting as most of the things you've listed here are the stuff of that create stress and illnesses.

Good luck and be healthy

 

[Dione]

That's true, those are unhealthy things. I have been stressed and depressed couple times in my life. I am learning now, and the first step is identifying these traits. I already feel more balanced than year or two years ago. And taichi already is part of my life. I have been practicing it for two years. Maybe that has prepared me for getting to know myself better. I also do reiki. Now I'm very enthusiastic about this personal growth process. I've always been good at understanding others. Understanding my self will be amazing!

Thank you for your reply!

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

That's true, those are unhealthy things. I have been stressed and depressed couple times in my life. I am learning now, and the first step is identifying these traits. I already feel more balanced than year or two years ago. And taichi already is part of my life. I have been practicing it for two years. Maybe that has prepared me for getting to know myself better. I also do reiki. Now I'm very enthusiastic about this personal growth process. I've always been good at understanding others. Understanding my self will be amazing!

Thank you for your reply!

Sure good luck in your journey

 

[sanremi52890]

[*]Get offended easily but don't show it.


Yes for me definitely, but it's something I've really tried to get over (and succeeded, I think). Just tell yourself to be a little lighter sometimes - things don't matter as much as you think they do. At least most other people don't think things matter as much as you think they do.


[*]Don't like people to laugh at you or call you silly even though you make jokes about yourself.


Yes, I used to feel this way, but eventually I learned to overcome it and not get offended by harmless jokes. Having better self-esteem helped with that a LOT. Don't worry about how other people judge you or perceive you; you're okay how you are, and feel free to laugh at any flaws you have.


[*]When someone really hurts you, you are unable to forgive. But the funny part is that you won't let the other person ever know that. They think everything is okay.


Not me.... I forgive pretty easily. Actually, maybe TOO easily. I would've thought forgiving TOO much was more of a NF-trait than not forgiving *enough*. I just want to be friends with everybody! LOL.


[*]When you act against your own principles, you can't really forgive yourself. Ever.


Ehh... I guess? I don't know. I definitely beat myself up about unnecessarily about some stuff, and feel guilty too much.... so yeah I guess that's what you're talking about.


[*]Want to express your deepest emotions and thoughts by writing. And get wounded when your emails are taken lightly or you don't get any response. Or if you are criticized about not talking face to face as though you were a coward.


Yes, I definitely prefer writing to talking face-to-face when it comes to serious stuff... But I think it's good to work on your ability to discuss things face-to-face as well. I find that having a heart-to-heart in person really does feel more *real* than having it in writing, even if it's also more difficult.


[*]Really avoid making people worry about you, especially really close family members.


What do you mean by that exactly? Can you think of any examples? I don't think anyone wants to make their family members worried about them, that's hardly just an INFJ trait. But on the other hand, if there's something I really want to do and that's reasonably safe, I'll do it, even if I know my parents will be a little worried. I guess it helps that my mom's not really a worrier. But I guess INFJ's tend to be very tuned it to others' emotions, so that would make you not want to worry someone.


[*]Have to be able to manage everything on your own. Feel failed if you need to ask help. And almost offended if someone offers help without asking...


Yeah I agree!!! But I always chalked it up to NT- stubbornness learned from my dad. I don't know if it's really a typical NF-trait; doesn't seem like it would be. There are definitely times when I'm quite grateful to get help because I know I really need it. I don't have the full-blown independent streak of a typical NT.


[*]Does anyone else talk a lot among some people and be quiet among others so that two sets of people who think they know you equally well describes you quite differently? (I'm talkative with friends, but quiet when I'm with family...)


YESS OMG! I hate this. How shy I am with someone has very little to do with how well I know them, and much more to do with how much I think I have in common with them. There are people I've known all my life (aunts and uncles) who I'm still very shy around because I don't know what to say to them, I don't feel we have much in common, I feel terribly self-conscious around them because I'm very sensitive to all our differences....... And on the other hand, there are people I'm perfectly comfortable talking to after having just met them, because I can sense that we have a lot in common, that they "get" me.
It's a bad thing (to be so shy around someone I know so well), because I feel so closed-off to people just because I feel we have nothing in common..... When really I just need to relax and compose myself and force myself to talk to them anyway.


[*]People say that talking about difficult things would help. But you get really mixed up in your words when you try to talk about feelings or some emotional issues and so get frustrated when that happens. And hate it when people say they understand and simplify things and you realize that you've have gone miles from your actual point and have bee utterly misunderstood. You feel worse than before opening your mouth. And the person you talked to asks that don't you just fee a lot better now.


YEeeeaaaahhhh..... I really don't like talking about emotions either. If I'm upset, I'd really prefer to just keep it to myself. Because, just as you say, I get way too mixed up in what I'm trying to say, I start feeling like I'm insane. Even though it all made perfect sense in my head......... Then I wish I'd just never started the conversation in the first place.

It is a skill that improves with practice, though. Having a significant other (I've found) has forced me into discuss-your-emotions situations and it's actually be a really good thing for me. I've learned to actually be able to do it with coherence, and the emotional intimacy it created was a great reward. So practice it!! It's worth it.


[*]Intellectually understand that your behaviour is (sometimes) crazy or that other people didn't mean this or that or that for example forgiving would be good for your own sake. But you still can't change it. Like your emotions were a rollecoaster cart without breaks. There it goes again. Up and down. Try to hold on.


[/QUOTE]

Wellll yeahhhh.... That's what it means to be overly sensitive. I always just tell myself to lighten up. Try to chill out. While you should always just acknowledge your feelings and understand that you can't change your feelings-- only your actions-- (this is basically psych 101....), if you notice that you are just too sensitive for your own good, it might be beneficial if you told yourself to "toughen up" a bit. How is that accomplished? Well the next time somebody makes a dumb supposed-to-be-funny joke that rubs you the wrong way, try to just force yourself to laugh at it, instead of getting offended. It may unnatural, but again, it becomes easier with practice.
Don't take yourself so seriously. Swallow your pride. Learn how to laugh at yourself. It's one of the greatest life lessons you will ever learn.

 

[Dione]

Thanks... I am definetely not such a sad case as my questions made me look like. Maybe that was again my tendency to exaggerate to make a point. One thing I have learned is that I don't have to toughen up (that's what people have told me for years and I have tried that), but I need to show my sensitivity a bit more. Actually, sanremi, your advice was more close to that. And softnes is always a better way, if you use it wisely. That is what tai chi has taught me. And I do love myself just the way I am. I think I'm opening these issues now is that I just realized that there's a group of people who might understand at least some of my oddities.

But still I feel often surprised how I thought I forgave someone and never really did. Or maybe I did, but just didn't forget. And when I have been depressed, my family will hear about it yes, but in a way "don't worry, I'll handle it". I never go to my family members when I'm currently inside a dark emotional turmoil. Only after and tell about it in a neutral way, emphasizing that these things happen and that I'm fine... Well. I haven't had depression for years.

The issues I still have are not being easily myself with people. And especially if in a romantic relationship I notice that I've been trying to be someone he can love better, I suddenly need to withdraw myself. And another thing is people who drain my energy. I haven't learned yet to shelter myself from that effect. And am just starting to understand what kind of people or actions do that. Of course someone constantly whining and complain about everything are like that. But I also get SO tired with people who are "overly" affactionate. I say overly, because for some reason it doesn't feel real. Happy happy joy jou. Big smiles, laughter, praises and a lots of hugs and I get irritaded even though shouldn't that be good? I notice when people try to hide hurt just like I do. And I'm okay with it. But if it's like that... Oh, I don't know how to react. I freeze when that person comes to mee hugging. She means well, but its like she squeezes me empty. If she would be guiet for a second she would show something of her real self. And I have seen glimpses of that. And I like it. But she is afraid to show it.

Learning to understand people. Including me. I love it.