Send Help! INFJ/INFP Communication Trouble

[infpwonderer]

INFP, here. I'm crazy about this INFJ in my life. We've spent over the last nine months getting closer and closer. We have the most intimate conversations I've ever had with another. A few months ago, I shared with him that I was developing strong feelings for him and was trying to navigate them. He had an immediate physical reaction and seemed surprised, although I said that if he was honest with himself then I didn't see how he could be surprised. He left, things were strange, and I thought everything we built was ruined.

Fast forward a month or so, our relationship seems back to normal and I anticipate having to suppress my feelings in order to keep our friendship.

A few weeks ago, we were spending time together and he tried to kiss me. I stopped it from happening. Why? Because he's actually in a relationship with another. It's an unhealthy relationship in my eyes and one that shouldn't be, even if I weren't in the equation. But I've never expressed that. I explained to him that I wanted to kiss him more than anything, but that I couldn't while he was with someone else. And that I would never want him to regret doing that with me. And that I wouldn't want it to taint what we have, which is incredibly special. He tells me, via text, that he often wants to touch me - to hug me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. And that he feels shitty to say that. I tell him he needs to figure things out for himself and that I'll give him the space and time to do that

Fast forward an awkward week, and he tells me that he has things that he needs to say, but wants to do it in person. But, he comes over and says nothing... Fast forward another month and nothing has been said about the almost-kiss or feelings of any kind. He knows I'm about to explode from the ambiguity, but has done nothing to clear his end up. But we continue to spend time together.

So I guess my questions are these:
INFJ men, does this situation seem to mirror any you've been in? Can you give me any insight as to what his mind might be doing?
INFJ/INFP relationships, can you give me any hope or insight?

I'm losing my mind over here.

Sincerely,
Lingering INFP

 

[CindyLou]

I'm not a man but here is what I think: He doesn't know what he feels. All he knows is that he feels something. You showed and felt interest so now he feels he's interested...because you are. He's probably thought about it a lot since you brought it up but he won't be able to understand it until he talks about it. He's avoiding the conversation but the conversation will actually help him know. Even if it's a couple conversations over the course of a couple days or weeks, it's better than no conversation at all. We aren't very good at sorting out our own feelings.

Be direct and make him talk about it next time you see him. He said he had things he wants to say. You might tell him you really want to talk about it. If you say you want to do something he will naturally want to do it for you. Lol.

You could just close the door on anything past platonic friendship on your own. He's in a relationship with someone else after all. He tried to kiss you and you had to be the one who stopped it. How do you feel about that?

I understand why you don't want to close the door on something more since you are trying to suppress feelings already but it might be the only way you can take control of the situation, not go crazy and protect the friendship because if not one day you might actually explode.

 

[infpwonderer]

I really appreciate your response, CindyLou. Your insight makes so much sense. Initially after it happened he told me that he didn't know what he was feeling. I believe that I need the conversation, but that's just because of my feelings for him. I don't want him to feel forced to talk about anything. It would be nice if he wanted to talk it out, but given the situation I'm sure he would never make that clear.

In regards to stopping the kiss, there are moments when I honestly wish I hadn't. But I know it would hurt much more if we had that moment and then he expressed regret after.

In my mind, he's the only one. So it's hard for me to understand how he doesn't see it. But, we're in very different situations so I need to remember that. Thank you so much for your perspective, it truly helps

 

[Scientia]

@infpwonderer I know someone like this. He will never choose you unless he can't get someone better and he will always be looking for someone better.

He is not the one. Look at how he is treating you now? You are not good enough to leave his current relationship for. He will break your heart and blame you for the loss of your friendship.

At best he is confused. At worst, he doesn't care about you that way but was willing to try you out.

 

[infpwonderer]

@infpwonderer He will never choose you unless he can't get someone better and he will always be looking for someone better.

He is not the one. Look at how he is treating you now? You are not good enough to leave his current relationship for. He will break your heart and blame you for the loss of your friendship.

At best he is confused. At worst, he doesn't care about you that way but was willing to try you out.

This hurts to hear, but is needed. Thank you. I've spent this time feeling like I'm asking too much of him. But maybe I'm not standing up for what I need enough. You've given me much more to think about

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Never trust a man. They smell and they lie. Stomp on their dicks with your high heels and drink their tears.

 

[CindyLou]

I agree with @Scientia

It's a lot better when someone is in to you. It's such a buzzkill when you have to have these thoughts. It wastes the whole infatuation stage on anxiety. I'd have bailed after about a month. The longer you go the harder it's going to be for you.

Set a time frame in you mind and stick to it. I'd still give him a chance to talk about it. Give him another week maybe?

 

[Free]

@infpwonderer my condolences <3

Although I agree with the responses, I just want to point out a few things.

It's notoriously difficult for INFJs to leave a relationship. Even a bad one. He may want to leave his current relationship but is finding that he simply can't, yet, for reasons that only he would understand. Whether that be he doesn't want to hurt the other person, hasn't found a way to let go, or something as simple as he feels responsible for her and doesn't want to leave her out in the cold, so to speak. It's all up for speculation, but ultimately only he would have the answers.

I agree that he needs time to figure out what he's feeling. Are they his true feelings, or is he simply feeling what you're feeling? He will never leave his current relationship till he knows this answer.

The special nature of your friendship may be making things... a little fuzzy for him. To pursue a relationship would mean giving up his current relationship, which he may or may not be ready for, and risking his friendship with you.

These are some pretty heavy things he needs to consider. You should definitely have a conversation about it, and then give him some time. But one question, whatever happens will change the nature of your your friendship with him forever. It may be that you transition into a relationship, it may be that the friendship ends without the possibility of a relationship. Are you ready for these outcomes?

My best wishes to you.

 

[infpwonderer]

Never trust a man. They smell and they lie. Stomp on their dicks with your high heels and drink their tears.

Wisest words ever spoken.

 

[infpwonderer]

I agree with @Scientia

It's a lot better when someone is in to you. It's such a buzzkill when you have to have these thoughts. It wastes the whole infatuation stage on anxiety. I'd have bailed after about a month. The longer you go the harder it's going to be for you.

Set a time frame in you mind and stick to it. I'd still give him a chance to talk about it. Give him another week maybe?

Normally, I would have bailed a lot sooner. But I've never met anyone like him and I've never had a connection like ours. Which is something that I don't want to lose. But I don't know if I have a choice anymore. I've made myself clear and he's made himself clear with his silence, I suppose.

Setting a timeframe is a perfect idea. I'll aim for having the conversation within a week or so. It's difficult, but needs to happen

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

It's notoriously difficult for INFJs to leave a relationship. Even a bad one. He may want to leave his current relationship but is finding that he simply can't, yet, for reasons that only he would understand. Whether that be he doesn't want to hurt the other person, hasn't found a way to let go

Meeeeeeee! Oh. Uhh..
*clears throat*
*looks around*
Hmm. This isn't the bathroom...
*turns and runs far far away*

 

[infpwonderer]

It's notoriously difficult for INFJs to leave a relationship. Even a bad one. He may want to leave his current relationship but is finding that he simply can't, yet, for reasons that only he would understand. Whether that be he doesn't want to hurt the other person, hasn't found a way to let go, or something as simple as he feels responsible for her and doesn't want to leave her out in the cold, so to speak. It's all up for speculation, but ultimately only he would have the answers.

I agree that he needs time to figure out what he's feeling. Are they his true feelings, or is he simply feeling what you're feeling? He will never leave his current relationship till he knows this answer.

The special nature of your friendship may be making things... a little fuzzy for him. To pursue a relationship would mean giving up his current relationship, which he may or may not be ready for, and risking his friendship with you.

These are some pretty heavy things he needs to consider. You should definitely have a conversation about it, and then give him some time. But one question, whatever happens will change the nature of your your friendship with him forever. It may be that you transition into a relationship, it may be that the friendship ends without the possibility of a relationship. Are you ready for these outcomes?

The bit about leaving relationships makes complete sense, even an unhealthy one. And I do understand that. But it's difficult for me to understand how easy it seems to stick with something unhealthy and to lose what we could possibly have. Before I told him about my feelings for him, he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship period.

We typically spend our weekends together. He comes to my house and we watch movies and paint and talk about the world. These are things I just don't have with anyone else. It's special.

I'm not ready to lose him. But I can't see him continue to be with her. If I'm being honest, I'm hoping he'll see what I see. But if he doesn't, then it might be time for me to go. To save my mind.

 

[Free]

Meeeeeeee! Oh. Uhh..
*clears throat*
*looks around*
Hmm. This isn't the bathroom...
*turns and runs far far away*

Mhmm... I see you over there my brother from another mother
It's true, isn't it?

And @infpwonderer just know that if he's being wishy washy about leaving the current relationship, it's in no way a reflection of you, of his feelings for you, or of your worth. It's all him and his inability to bear harming another person he cares for. I admire your choice to not pursue things while he's still involved with another.

 

[infpwonderer]

just know that if he's being wishy washy about leaving the current relationship, it's in no way a reflection of you, of his feelings for you, or of your worth. It's all him and his inability to bear harming another person he cares for. I admire your choice to not pursue things while he's still involved with another.

It's difficult to see that, but I'll definitely try my best. While he might not be able to bear hurting her, he's consequently hurting me. Although it's not okay for me to think that way, because it isn't like we're together or he owes me that in any way. Which just makes it feel more complicated. Thank you so much for all of your insight. You've truly helped a lot

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

Mhmm... I see you over there my brother from another mother
It's true, isn't it?

So true, it's stupid.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

What @Free describes is accurate.

he's consequently hurting me

^ This bothers him to. He doesn't want to hurt you... unless he does want to, then he's just a dick, but from what I read about your connection, he's not a dick, so he really doesn't want to hurt you.

 

[CindyLou]

I agree with @Free @Milktoast Bandit

This isn't rejection.

You don't have to lose your connection with him having the conversation. You are friends right? All you will find out is what is true. You don't have to lose it if you don't have the conversation, stay friends, and you end up blowing up later. Maybe you need to explode? Maybe you need to know that you will explode.

Whatever happens, laugh at yourselves. He ought to understand, he's INFJ after all. People are complex! No matter what choice you make, no matter what choice he makes it's all okay. Whatever happens, it's all true. Don't lose sight of the big picture. xx

I apologize in advance for this video. I did try not to. I did.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

My relationship advice is... I agree with girl or the infj in the relationship, unless in a guy/girl relationship, the guy is INFJ, then the girlness wins. Wait... that's the forum. My real advice is I disagree with the INFP. Gotta support my bros... unless he's INFJ, then you're both wrong.

 

[Gaze]

Never trust a man. They smell and they lie. Stomp on their dicks with your high heels and drink their tears.

But tears are salty, so doesn't it make sense to let the tears dry out, then collect the salt? And some high heel shoes are pretty big, and some . . . a bit small?

My relationship advice is... I agree with girl or the infj in the relationship, unless in a guy/girl relationship, the guy is INFJ, then the girlness wins. Wait... that's the forum. My real advice is I disagree with the INFP. Gotta support my bros... unless he's INFJ, then you're both wrong.

Could you be more disconfusing

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

My relationship advice is... I agree with girl or the infj in the relationship, unless in a guy/girl relationship, the guy is INFJ, then the girlness wins. Wait... that's the forum. My real advice is I disagree with the INFP. Gotta support my bros... unless he's INFJ, then you're both wrong.

Spot on.