Relationship Problem

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jimtaylor

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Ok I am going to try and keep this short, sweet and to the point. The issue here is that I have three women that have admitted to loving me or falling for me. For name purposes they are going to be Girl A, Girl B, and Girl C. Girl A is my present girlfriend with whom things havent been going so great with. Girl B is Girl A's romantic interest who has admitted to both of us that she has some feelings for me. This evening alone we went to a party and in front of Girl A, Girl B started rubbing my leg and putting her hands inside my shirt and digging her nails into my chest. Girl A just laughed and started joking about all my "sweat" spots and I went red as possibly can be. Now Girl C knows about Girl A but believes that I deserve much better and that she can be that much better. I haven't known Girl C for long but we had a long conversation while I was drunk during my birthday which lead to her admitting that I am everything she wants in a guy. Insane, I know. :/ I feel like my whole life is just a soap opera.

Girl A has stated similar things to Girl C and said that losing me would be the worst possible thing that could happen in her life. Girl C has said that I am the most unique guy she has ever met and she could see spending her life with me. Girl B just wants to spend the night with me but hopes it could turn to more. The problem in all of this, is I just want to be left alone. I have my own shit I am dealing with right now and really don't want to deal with this at all. Of course the other side of me is worried about all the variable outcomes because if I am honest here, then at least two people are going to walk away hurt, possibly three considering I don't want to be with Girl A anymore. I don't really want to be with anybody until I get my own shit strait. In all these people who could be hurt I am not even considering myself. I love Girl A but I just can't deal with her anymore. I can't fight for her when she isn't even willing to fight for herself. Girl B is one of the funniest people to be around and is just a cool friend. Girl C is a sweetheart and someone who in the future I could possibly see myself with. Now if I go with being alone I could possibly lose all three which mean a lot to me but in some ways I could live with that more than some of the other possible alternatives.

I really just don't know what to do. I am not built for this crap. I am tired and simply overwhelmed by everything. I am starting to think it was a good thing that I didn't date for a long time because chaos just seems to follow me. Which means by all rational deduction, I am the cause. Something I am doing has to be causing this and I need to figure out what. I am just confused, it is too much with everything else that is going on. I just want one, sane relationship and I am happy.
 
You've mostly answered your own question about what to do.

You said exactly what you wanted, "I don't really want to be with anybody until I get my own shit strait."

You said why you're in this predicament, " In all these people who could be hurt I am not even considering myself." "...if I go with being alone I could possibly lose all three..."

You said how you feel about each girl. "I love Girl A but I just can't deal with her anymore. I can't fight for her when she isn't even willing to fight for herself. Girl B is one of the funniest people to be around and is just a cool friend. Girl C is a sweetheart and someone who in the future I could possibly see myself with."

It doesn't seem so much to be a problem with not knowing what to do. It seems to be more of a problem about making a decision and then telling the people involved. I have found that relationships that start as a result of the end of another relationship can be difficult to sustain because they start under stressful circumstances as opposed to beginning a relationship when you've "got your shit straight". I can't say this is the case all the time, but if you're just ending a relationship you're kind of not all together yet cause part of you is still in the previous relationship, even if only by being in the process of letting go.

Personally I would tell each of of them what you wrote. It's the truth. It doesn't leave anything up for "interpretation" cause it's just the truth. Then I would fly solo for awhile until I felt like I was together enough to share my self with someone. If any of these girls really care about you they will understand and give you the room you need. If any of them are still around when you're ready then you can move in that direction. Or maybe fate has someone else in store for you. Someone you feel comfortable with when you're ready.

I always say loving someone is like what the stewardesses tell us on an airplane. "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to care for someone else" cause if you don't you will pass out and they will die anyway. In other words, take care of yourself first then when you are in a relationship you can really be present and accounted for.

I've only read a couple of your posts but you seem like a thoughtful and level headed person. I hope things work out for you. Take care.
 
I know this is going to sound like I'm betraying my gender but you should date women that don't pursue you. Unless you are a really shy man, you should be chasing her.
 
Go with C, or stay alone.

Or hit B and then go with C eheheh
 
Sai said:
Go with C, or stay alone.

Or hit B and then go with C eheheh
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That is one of those other alternatives that to me just seems like it would end bad. I don't know why but I've have always just been a one man, one woman type of guy. It just feels more comfortable to me and I like giving all my effort to one person. Doing something like this would go against the person I am and in the desire to overcome the things within that are as a result of trauma I would take a step back. I know myself very well and though I would enjoy it, there would be some guilt because of who I believe I am. Of course I could be wrong and that could be the best decision but I don't know, it's just not me.
 
CindyLou said:
I know this is going to sound like I'm betraying my gender but you should date women that don't pursue you. Unless you are a really shy man, you should be chasing her.
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And why is that? I have been pursued and pursued and met crazy girls from doing both. I've never been the type of person that follows gender roles because even though I see how some people might like them, I personally don't. I really just don't see how this would change anything. I pursued Girl A and now she is essentially perusing me. The person she is would not be different if she had come after me instead.

I think there should be a balance and in this case there is obviously not one. The more I pull away, the more all three try to hold on. So I would agree that in order for it to be healthy I should also have the desire to pursue but in respects to who chases who, I really don't think it matters much. It all is dependent upon individual cases and it seems a little unfair to make that judgement with how culture has changed a little bit. Besides, it is nice to not have to play the whole, does she like me or does she not? I will admit I am not a dating guru by any means so um those subtle signs that girls give saying you should come talk to me. *whoosh* over my head.
 
Sadie said:
You've mostly answered your own question about what to do.

You said exactly what you wanted, "I don't really want to be with anybody until I get my own shit strait."

You said why you're in this predicament, " In all these people who could be hurt I am not even considering myself." "...if I go with being alone I could possibly lose all three..."

You said how you feel about each girl. "I love Girl A but I just can't deal with her anymore. I can't fight for her when she isn't even willing to fight for herself. Girl B is one of the funniest people to be around and is just a cool friend. Girl C is a sweetheart and someone who in the future I could possibly see myself with."

It doesn't seem so much to be a problem with not knowing what to do. It seems to be more of a problem about making a decision and then telling the people involved. I have found that relationships that start as a result of the end of another relationship can be difficult to sustain because they start under stressful circumstances as opposed to beginning a relationship when you've "got your shit straight". I can't say this is the case all the time, but if you're just ending a relationship you're kind of not all together yet cause part of you is still in the previous relationship, even if only by being in the process of letting go.
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You are right and I agree relationships started in this circumstance just are set up to fail in many cases. These girls want me to cheat on Girl A but they don't understand or don't care when I explain to them, then our relationship would be set up for failure. The reason is because if I went forward with that course of action there would always be doubt. There would always be the thought in the back of the mind, "If he did this to her, he could do it to me." They don't like hearing that but for most cases it's true. Any relationship formed in this manner is facing an up hill battle. I don't have any desire to do that because It just isn't worth it.

Personally I would tell each of of them what you wrote. It's the truth. It doesn't leave anything up for "interpretation" cause it's just the truth. Then I would fly solo for awhile until I felt like I was together enough to share my self with someone. If any of these girls really care about you they will understand and give you the room you need. If any of them are still around when you're ready then you can move in that direction. Or maybe fate has someone else in store for you. Someone you feel comfortable with when you're ready.

I always say loving someone is like what the stewardesses tell us on an airplane. "Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to care for someone else" cause if you don't you will pass out and they will die anyway. In other words, take care of yourself first then when you are in a relationship you can really be present and accounted for.

I've only read a couple of your posts but you seem like a thoughtful and level headed person. I hope things work out for you. Take care.
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I am not going to lie, I am not completely devoid of being selfish by any means. In one respect, I want to be alone to work my things out, come to terms with my brothers deaths and everything. At the same time I don't want to cut off everybody I care about to do so. I like them, that's the plain matter of fact and I like them being in my life. At this time though, I just don't want them in my life the way they want to be in my life. I know what you are saying is right but I guess I was just hoping there is something more I could do.

There is fear of losing them because all three are good friends in many respects and I like being around them. At the same time I can't give them a false hope that I will ever want to be with them without a guarantee that I ever will. For their sake and mine when I end things, it would be best to just cut it off. No if's, and's or but's. I can't take the time I need to fully heal if I know in the wings someone is waiting and hoping for me to come back to them. There is no guarantee they will wait but I guess I rather not take that chance. I might lose them and that would hurt but ultimately I would feel better about myself then if I had kept them on the line. I have a good guess of what will happen and I will became the biggest a-hole because of it. Nobody likes being removed from the life of someone they once cared about no matter how gently it is done. In the long run though, I think it better for everybody to look towards other options besides me.
 
I guess you don't live in Colorado City :)
Speaking from a firsthand experience, and along the same lines as what [MENTION=4871]CindyLou[/MENTION] said, girls who pursue guys very often have major issues. They may or may not derail a relationship, but they are boulders that need to be mined out of the way, and that puts a lot of stress on everyone involved. 13 years later there are still things that come up that drive my husband insane, not to mention it was very difficult for me to stop the "give me attention, aren't I cute?" attitude towards guys I felt some kind of shallow attraction to, which also is problematic when in a relationship. I'd also recommend praying about it.
 
jimtaylor said:
And why is that? I have been pursued and pursued and met crazy girls from doing both. I've never been the type of person that follows gender roles because even though I see how some people might like them, I personally don't. I really just don't see how this would change anything. I pursued Girl A and now she is essentially perusing me. The person she is would not be different if she had come after me instead.

I think there should be a balance and in this case there is obviously not one. The more I pull away, the more all three try to hold on. So I would agree that in order for it to be healthy I should also have the desire to pursue but in respects to who chases who, I really don't think it matters much. It all is dependent upon individual cases and it seems a little unfair to make that judgement with how culture has changed a little bit. Besides, it is nice to not have to play the whole, does she like me or does she not? I will admit I am not a dating guru by any means so um those subtle signs that girls give saying you should come talk to me. *whoosh* over my head.
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You do not love girl A the way you should to stay with her. I think you should cut her loose but do it with care and kindness. She sounds the most healthy to me. Her lack of jealousy shows confidence and self-awareness. She is not as afraid to lose you as you think. Her pursuing you now, is normal because you're pulling away but she will move on and find someone else, so I think you should let her go and not feel to guilty about it. To me, Girl C's convo with you knowing that you are with someone is inappropriate and would disqualify her as a long term option and Girl B sounds obnoxious. Just my thoughts.

I do think she would be different if she had pursued you. I'm sorry, but high quality women don't pursue initially because they don't have to. Not that there are "low-quality" women but I mean in terms of determining who is worth an actual relationship, long term not just casual stuff. I have pursued before because I saw someone I "wanted", so I'm not making judgments about the women that I wouldn't make about myself at least I'm not trying to but I mean it is what it is.
 
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It really sounds like what you are needing now is a friend and not a girlfriend. Do you have any other women friends that can fill that need for you? I mean women that don't want to be romantically involved with you. You have a tough decision to make. It's one of those that doesn't have an easy answer and no matter what you do somebody gets hurt. Rock and a hard place kinda thing.

These are the kinds of decisions nobody can really teach us how to handle cause a lot of it has to do with morals. What's the right thing to do? For you? For them? Finding that is tough in situations like this. "It's not hard to do the right thing. It's hard to know what the right thing is. Once you know, it's hard not to do it". Maybe things don't need to be all or nothing. Maybe there are more options you just can't see right now. I have no idea what they are. But I have found that if I follow my truth and my conscience even when it's freaken hard as crap to do, sometimes things happen that totally surprise me and what I need shows up for me. Maybe not in the way I thought it would or from the person or place I thought it would come from. Be honest with yourself and with them. Let your conscience lead you. Then let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like you already know a lot of this though. You're right this is a soap opera. But then, who's life isn't :becky:
 
AKM said:
I guess you don't live in Colorado City :)
Speaking from a firsthand experience, and along the same lines as what [MENTION=4871]CindyLou[/MENTION] said, girls who pursue guys very often have major issues. They may or may not derail a relationship, but they are boulders that need to be mined out of the way, and that puts a lot of stress on everyone involved. 13 years later there are still things that come up that drive my husband insane, not to mention it was very difficult for me to stop the "give me attention, aren't I cute?" attitude towards guys I felt some kind of shallow attraction to, which also is problematic when in a relationship. I'd also recommend praying about it.
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Yeah, me too. I have trouble getting past infatuation stage of relationships because I need so much freaking attention, and I set myself up for even more failure when I do the pursuing. I'm not a flirt, but I can't seem to tell if someone cares about me without it so i'm always doing the "give me attn, tell me I'm cute" stuff. Its disgusting. I have some issues and would be nothing but trouble for anyone I decided to pursue. Lol.
 
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I can't fully answer this without touching on posts you've been making since the beginning of your time here. You and I know each other very well and I don't want to drag in personal stuff you're not saying here.

But I will ask you questions for you to ponder:

Are you not the middle child?
Are you not used to keeping quiet - discounting your Self - your thoughts and emotions in order to keep the peace?
Are you not an INFJ and avoid confrontation?

Do we not - all of us - myself included - allow distractions to keep us from making the hard decisions?

Finish it...
 
jimtaylor said:
That is one of those other alternatives that to me just seems like it would end bad. I don't know why but I've have always just been a one man, one woman type of guy. It just feels more comfortable to me and I like giving all my effort to one person. Doing something like this would go against the person I am and in the desire to overcome the things within that are as a result of trauma I would take a step back. I know myself very well and though I would enjoy it, there would be some guilt because of who I believe I am. Of course I could be wrong and that could be the best decision but I don't know, it's just not me.
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then stay alone, if C is really interested in you she will wait until you are ready, if not screw her :)
 
AKM said:
I guess you don't live in Colorado City :)
Speaking from a firsthand experience, and along the same lines as what @CindyLou said, girls who pursue guys very often have major issues. They may or may not derail a relationship, but they are boulders that need to be mined out of the way, and that puts a lot of stress on everyone involved. 13 years later there are still things that come up that drive my husband insane, not to mention it was very difficult for me to stop the "give me attention, aren't I cute?" attitude towards guys I felt some kind of shallow attraction to, which also is problematic when in a relationship. I'd also recommend praying about it.
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Not religious, so don't know about that.
 
CindyLou said:
You do not love girl A the way you should to stay with her. I think you should cut her loose but do it with care and kindness. She sounds the most healthy to me. Her lack of jealousy shows confidence and self-awareness. She is not as afraid to lose you as you think. Her pursuing you now, is normal because you're pulling away but she will move on and find someone else, so I think you should let her go and not feel to guilty about it. To me, Girl C's convo with you knowing that you are with someone is inappropriate and would disqualify her as a long term option and Girl B sounds obnoxious. Just my thoughts.

I do think she would be different if she had pursued you. I'm sorry, but high quality women don't pursue initially because they don't have to. Not that there are "low-quality" women but I mean in terms of determining who is worth an actual relationship, long term not just casual stuff. I have pursued before because I saw someone I "wanted", so I'm not making judgments about the women that I wouldn't make about myself at least I'm not trying to but I mean it is what it is.
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I know I don't love Girl A the way I should, any longer. On her being healthy from an outside perspective, I would agree with you because that's why I pursued her. She seemed so very relaxed, down to earth, none jealous and I fell in love with her. I found our though after a year that her complete lack of jealousy is not confidence and self awareness. It is sadly the exact opposite, she believes she isn't worth anything or capable of anything. Girl B is obnoxious but is still fun to be around. There is a reason Girl A and B like eachother. Girl C does have her issues and I see it but that doesn't mean I want to treat her like crap and make her feel even more terrible.

Sorry but you are saying high quality women never pursue while low quality women do because they need confirmation of themselves? Um men and women are not that different. I have plenty of player friends and they pursue women like none other. Why? Because sleeping with a girl confirms their worth. High quality women are able to both pursue and be pursued because they have confidence in themselves. They know how to tell a guy they are interested without needing that confirmation and they just like them because they do. There is a difference between pursuing and just needing attention.

How does walking up to a guy saying, "I think you are cute," means that a girl is low quality? I like it because she knows what she wants and she doesn't need a man to help make up her mind. She doesn't need a man to tell her what she is worth but like most people she likes to hear that she means something and that the person she is interested in thinks she is pretty. There is a healthy level of wanting to be wanted and then yes just being obnoxious. Just because a women pursues, it doesn't make her obnoxious. Pursuing to a degree like Girl C is not healthy, I am not arguing it is but there is a healthy level. And I don't see why it would make a girl's relationship ability less if she initiates or pursues. Again to me it says she has the confidence to pursue what she wants but that doesn't mean she is aggressive and all that.

I am not trying to be mean here and I might be playing a little devils advocate but I'm just curious. I know exactly what you are talking about because I grew up with it. I just don't believe, refuse to believe that all women who pursue have less relationship potential.
 
CindyLou said:
Yeah, me too. I have trouble getting past infatuation stage of relationships because I need so much freaking attention, and I set myself up for even more failure when I do the pursuing. I'm not a flirt, but I can't seem to tell if someone cares about me without it so i'm always doing the "give me attn, tell me I'm cute" stuff. Its disgusting. I have some issues and would be nothing but trouble for anyone I decided to pursue. Lol.
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Like I said there is a healthy level. I love hearing from my girlfriend that I am sexy and that I mean a lot to her because I know it is true. It doesn't mean much when I hear it from others but when I hear it from her, it means a lot because of the emotional connection we still have even though things aren't great. I don't need to hear it all the time but now and again it's nice and it feels amazing to know that someone appreciates you. If there is an emotional connection and love, it's not fake or hallow compliments. It's real.
 
Kgal said:
I can't fully answer this without touching on posts you've been making since the beginning of your time here. You and I know each other very well and I don't want to drag in personal stuff you're not saying here.

But I will ask you questions for you to ponder:

Are you not the middle child?
Are you not used to keeping quiet - discounting your Self - your thoughts and emotions in order to keep the peace?
Are you not an INFJ and avoid confrontation?

Do we not - all of us - myself included - allow distractions to keep us from making the hard decisions?

Finish it...
Click to expand...

I know and sometimes... Actually most of the time I am just so stubborn. I hate giving up and I know it's not giving up but to me it feels like it. It feels like I am giving up on her but I'm starting to realize its not and see that we could both grow so much from this. She is starting to see that too and it is in part because of the advice you gave me. I have been working on taking care of myself and this one of the last things I need to tie up before I can fully move on. I see know that the pain and difficulty of it could make us both stronger and capable of loving someone else even more in the future. It honestly is just so hard because there is that comfort level in the known. Where the unknown is just that unknown. I wanted her to be my one and only and it hurts that it's not turning out that way. I've finally been able to recognize that hurt.
 
CindyLou said:
I'm sorry, but high quality women don't pursue initially because they don't have to. Not that there are "low-quality" women but I mean in terms of determining who is worth an actual relationship, long term not just casual stuff. I have pursued before because I saw someone I "wanted", so I'm not making judgments about the women that I wouldn't make about myself at least I'm not trying to but I mean it is what it is.
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I completely disagree with the notion that women who pursue men are trouble. They are no more trouble than men to pursue women. If someone can't stay loyal when they are in a relationship, that's their problem. It's not a reflection on the "worth" of pursuers.
 
uberrogo said:
I'm not sure if you are bragging or complaining here.
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Hmm neither. I am just in a bit of a situation and I am looking for outside advice. Why the heck would I brag? Because I have more than One girl after me? Yeah it's real fun and awesome, every guys dream. :/
 
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