Relationship conversations: Do you have them?

[Gaze]

Relationship conversations: do you have them? What is the easiest or hardest conversation to have? What have you learned about having these conversations with your partner? Does personality type matter in how to talk to others about particular topics or issues?

Excerpt from:
http://www.businessinsider.com/why-anna-faris-chris-pratt-broke-up-family-plans-advice-2017-8

Have an in-depth conversation and have it often.
When a relationship hits a serious stage and couples get married or commit to each other in some big way, people are often too overcome with excitement or too overwhelmed by the prospect of spending forever with this person to have a deep discussion about where their priorities lie.

Most couples will have your standard conversation: Do you want kids? How many? Where do you want to live? What are your career goals? But real commitment requires an even deeper dive with even deeper questions: How do you each feel about taking care of aging parents? What will you do if one of you is laid off? What will you do if either of your careers goes better or worse than expected?

"Making major life decisions or wants with your partner in the dark or assuming that they know what you want and what your goals all, removes the opportunity for discussion, compromise, and support," therapist Stacey Ojeda told INSIDER. "We have to give our partners the opportunity to help us meet our goals and needs to have a healthy relationship."

Even the most well-matched couples are going to have different views on important topics throughout their time together.

Couples can help avoid confusion by having an open dialogue from the beginning of their relationship.
Make sure, even within the first month of dating someone, that you casually learn more about them and what they find most important. That sets a precedent for a relationship that allows you both to open up about your hard and fast goals — both now and in the future.

People's priorities change, even in a committed relationship. Pixabay/MadalinIonut

"Disclosure from the beginning can save people time and heartache," April Davis, a relationship expert and CEO of LUMA–Luxury Matchmaking, told INSIDER. "When you are starting to get serious your partner share your hard-lined must-haves and have-nots. If you know that you wish to be a homeowner, parent, or living abroad in the next five years let them know."

Accept that people change, but keep your partner in mind.
People still grow and change while married or committed to someone. The result is, often, the person we commit to isn't always the person we're with 5, 10, or 20 years down the line.

Recognizing that people can change and be having constant conversations about priorities is a habit that all couples can benefit from. It's important when making new and exciting decisions that you include your partner in that vision of your future.

"The biggest mistake is sharing without making their partner feel like their apart of the vision," counselor Shuntai Walker told INSIDER. "It's important to include and not exclude your loved one. Even if it's just for moral support."

Sometimes change can't be avoided.
[...]

Very often, a change in perspective or priorities cannot be avoided and the marriage has to end. But keeping an open dialogue will help you identify when things aren't working out for you and your partner, and how to best shift focus to improve your relationship, movie stars or not.

 

[Scientia]

We do this. It’s only been seven months but I think it makes our bond stronger.

 

[Gaze]

I think it's great @Scientia that it builds a bond, and I believe that's what it should do.

I think it's tricky because having a conversation may for some only happen when they have relationship struggles or issues. Some partners may feel that you don't need to talk about a relationship if it's working or seems to be going good. I kinda like the idea of checking in with each other sometimes, just to ensure everything is fine at least in a committed relationship. Dating is probably a little different. It feels worse to assume everything is great only to find out later that things weren't going well. Not that partners can't or won't lie, but maybe it could open up communicate so someone express feelings about something they are thinking or are not sure about. It seems partners have to be so fearful or concerned about opening up to avoid things going haywire. Trust is so easy to break and tough to rebuild. Respectful honesty is good.

I think it would feel weird not to be able to talk with someone about what's going on and how you feel. I think there has to be openness, willingness to listen if you don't agree or share the same feelings as your partner, consideration, and understanding. As obvious as it should be to have this, your partner should want to hear how you feel and want you to feel satisfied in the relationship. But it sounds a bit idealistic to expect these things. Apparently, these kinds of considerations are not necessarily part of the deal anymore. Too many partners are dismissive if their partner is sharing something they don't like. On the other hand, sharing probably shouldn't mean pushing your feelings onto your partner, or assuming that they must accept your feelings regardless of how you express them. The biggest thing I've learned from the convo, is that it's not always or shouldn't ever be about one person being right and the other wrong. Sometimes, a loved one may simply want someone to share things with.

 

[seira0807]

I remember Esther Parel saying in an interview that, on one hand, there's more motivation to improve a relationship when things are going poorly, and on the other, there's more creativity available to improve a relationship when things are going well.

I've had awkward "where's this going" conversations concerning both of our expectations over or after dinner when we're both feeling relaxed, and I found it helpful to create an opportunity to express ourselves in a calm way. I've also found that sometimes people beat-around-the-bush, not to purposely confuse others, but because it is kinda hard (and kinda exhausting) to be vulnerable with someone else about our emotional needs. I find them hard to articulate because I hardly even know how I really feel about a matter until a conflict occurs. My boyfriend had a hard time articulating his feelings in a way that I could understand - he knew how he felt about something, but I certainly didn't know what about unless he told me directly, even if I could sense some kind of vague irritation from him.

 

[Wyote]

One important aspect of this is the timing and set up. It's not really enough to just have a desire to have these conversations pencil it in and poof, done. Integrated. You've got to be able to understand how you can help your partner be receptive to you and understand the same in yourself for them. And communicate whatever it is you might need in order to clearly receive such information.

For some it might be a daily check, for others a more in depth weekly or monthly discussion. As long as the setup remains effective and doesn't create dread in yourself or your partner.

You are your partner's biggest cheerleader and if that role deteriorates things are in trouble.

I would say this was one of the main sources of trouble for me with relationships that didn't last. I often felt blindsided by heavy stuff or remained blissfully ignorant until something reached critical mass.