Reflecting on your former self

[slant]

Right so I thought I would like to also respond to this thread. the idea about life stages in life is an interesting one I for one do agree that our physiological development does not run on the same timeline as our emotional development.

I can see this with certain certainty simply because I’ve experienced a large amount of character Shaping or character growth in my last two years of being in therapy. And i do resonate with @Truth Eternity and his childhood. Well I must say I didn’t exactly grew up in a family that was broken or extremely dysfunctional but having said that I grew up in an environment where I would observe my parents fighting and there would be no healthy ways of doing conflict resolution

So what would happen is that my old man Would yell at my mum and she would just shut down and there would be no form of healthy discussion about what went wrong in growing up in this kind of environment as a child Then made me fearful of my dad and having to deal with a phobia of trying to relate to him in the stages of my adult hood and so I struggled with all these family of origin issues until I was in my 30s

So even in my early 30s I was still feeling like I wasn’t good enough like I had to play catching up being an adult while everyone else seems to hold their shit together. I didn’t know how to value myself only on too much more recently putting in the working time in therapy and so I would say that my journey of emotional growth really started in my mid 30s as I learnt my value

And when I started to become comfortable with myself and gain the inner confidence somehow my personality type has shifted from being infp to infj. That was quite a significant milestone in my life because I have been typed the former personality type until three years ago before putting in all the work in 30 but now that I’ve done all the work in therapy it seems like my true innate personality is indeed infj. Ive tried this several times now. Im doomed to be an infj hahahah...

Which makes me really fascinated about the emotional development of people and children especially in the dangers of and undeveloped emotional age. Well given that there are many factors of how one’s emotional ages influenced I believe the family environment in the early stages of childhood plays a critical role in the persons development of his sense of well-being and emotional resonance.

unfortunately for myself I only discovered and learn all that in my mid 30s and while I’m thankful for that I wished I would have learned all these things when I was in my mid 20s the lack of emotional tools and the inability to express myself back in my late 20s and early 30s resulted in With me having one or two episodes of A breakdown in anxiety because I felt helpless and hopeless and powerless but as time went by and I process my childhood and work things out in therapy I soon so changes in my own personality and I put in the work in therapy I also then was able to recover from depression after a full year.

Recovering from depression is a really strange thing because I have become accustomed to feeling depressed and it felt like the familiar things while being healthy and not depressed became the unfamiliar thing and so in the early stages of my recovery I feel terribly uncomfortable simply because I wasn’t depressed any more and that really messed with my mind but I eventually grew to accept that and it was great

So I’ve only recently been back at work but I realise the differences between how I operate in my previous job and this current job that I’m in and out with my strength and emotional resonance I was able to express my need better and be able to communicate effectively.

which is also the reason why I’ve become sceptical about behavioural change because I realise that changes in a persons personality takes a lot of effort and time in self investment in wanting to see change and especially positive change I simply find it difficult to accept if someone comes and tells me I’ve change and I’ll become a new person the next day in a span of 24 hours.

So when I look back and reflect on my journey it’s really in this past 2 1/2 years spending time in therapy and knowing that it is worth it that I value myself enough to want to see change that has now greatly strengthen my emotional resilience.

I don’t know how else to describe it but it is extremely liberating to be comfortable in your own skin and to be able to value yourself and you have agreed an understanding of your own self worth and be also free of the fear of how people see youBecause really that’s their business and not your business

So i I don’t know if I will went off tangent but I think this is how I felt about my phases of growth and these phases of character growth or nonlinear and it is different for each person because we are all at different phases of life in our individual journeys in life are so different and unique

Well this was my shot at your question @slant

Thank you for sharing this. A lot of it resonates especially feeling developmentally behind because of how much work I'm having to do in order to get through my childhood trauma so I definitely understand that. But it's better to do it later in life than never at all.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

How do you view the periods of time in your life and what periods of your life did you feel you grew a lot or expanded as a person? It does not matter if the growth is negative or positive or what event stemmed from it. When you look back, what sticks out to you and why? How is your life different, and how do you feel in general about the way that you life has progressed as a whole?

Goodness. You sure know how to ask a question.
I wish I could talk about this. This thread has sat on my monitor for an hour now. I know the answer and have the words, but they don't feel right setting free.

We should all have a chance to sample our mortality though, before the main course at the end. It changes everything.

 

[ordz404]

Thank you for sharing this. A lot of it resonates especially feeling developmentally behind because of how much work I'm having to do in order to get through my childhood trauma so I definitely understand that. But it's better to do it later in life than never at all.

The work you put in for yourself, no matter how much or hard, is worth it because you desire to see yourself through the pain and come out stronger on the other side.
Let no one take that away from you, that you're more than worthy of seeing a better, healthier and whole version of yourself.
And the gentleness to know we don't need to pressure ourselves to move at anyone else pace but your own.
The fact that you have started this journey means you're constantly getting closer to being healthy and whole

Ordz

 

[Korg]

How do you view the periods of time in your life and what periods of your life did you feel you grew a lot or expanded as a person? It does not matter if the growth is negative or positive or what event stemmed from it.

I divide them up by circumstances, though it's hard to say exactly when the divisions occur or why. Life seems to define all that for me and it's much clearer in hindsight.

But if I had to be broad about it:

1. The first time I fell in love and experienced heartbreak
2. The period of time when I started getting honest with myself about who and what I am
3. Officially launching my career / the first half of it
4. The second half of my career and being with Bird

Lots of good and bad in each.

When you look back, what sticks out to you and why? How is your life different, and how do you feel in general about the way that you life has progressed as a whole?

What sticks out to me is how deeply influenced I was by subconscious forces, many of which were pulling in opposite directions. Ambition, fear, confidence, rage, sensitivity, fear of vulnerability -- an unfocused shitshow that caused a lot of chaos in my life and the lives of those around me. The low point was when I had to leave LA and move back in with my parents, living in my old bedroom. I effectively lived in there for a year straight, unemployed. I was so fucked up in the head and felt completely unmoored as a human being. All the components that "make me up" were there but the structural part that held it all together had been vaporized by various events that occurred in a short period of time. I really get it when people struggle with existential issues. That feeling of a bottomless chasm inside of yourself that is silently screaming at you every day is a unique kind of pain. Fortunately, there's a path through it and it's good for strengthening the soul.


I really like how my life has progressed since those days. What I have accomplished in the past six years would have been beyond belief to that kid sitting in his bedroom. Of all the things I am most proud of in life, the sheer fact I got my head out of my ass and went after all my dreams is what I'm most proud of. I could have capitulated to my own bullshit but I didn't and that means a lot. I don't even care about the results half as much, it's all about the journey and the friends I've made along the way. Obviously I still have bad days but then I just give myself space and outlets and get back to it.

 

[Truth Eternity]

Something that's been on my mind daily over the last 5 years, but I still don't have an answer to. All I know is that trauma caused me to lose my trust, family, identity, and home. And life has pounded hardship after hardship and has shot down every solution I've tried to come up with to grow and escape this revolving hell. I've grown bitter, impatient, and untrusting of others, while I desperately try to return to the state of calmness, patience, understanding, and trusting of others I've had before all of this occurred. I feel like everything I've done for myself, for my family, for my future -- all of it has reverted to nothing and I'm desperately trying to grow back to what I've achieved, to the state of being I've worked my whole life to create. But like doesn't want that anymore. Today I snapped when my toilet wasn't unclogging for the trillionth freakin time (I live poor and in cheap apartment with a lot of financial assistance, another situation I wouldn't be in if tragedy decided not to strike), and broke my toilet paper holder, ripped my toilet paper, spit on the floor multiple times out of hatred and as I stomped on the stupid toilet paper roll, I quietly yelled to myself, "I fucking hate my life." It's 100% uncharacteristic of me and scares me that I got like that. Should I just accept the pain and anguish, or should I kill myself trying to find a way out? The passion for life is gone and I have no reason to live other than not to be another number and not to break my mother's heart by killing myself. Her heart's about to be shattered to pieces again soon anyway and I can't bear the fact that I'm powerless to stop it. I'm torn between wanting my dad to be happy and hating him for making this stupid decisions while he knows how much mom is hurting and how much this decision will hurt her.

I see my family struggle and suffer and writhe in hopelessness while I can't do a damned thing about it, and thus I see my world falling apart around me. Nothing I do does anything to help it, and the world keeps hammering on me to make sure I know there is no escaping.

I've never fit in and have always been treated like an outcast my entire life. Even my among outcast friends I was the outcast. People bullied me or set me aside for not being like "the herd," and authority tried my entire childhood to force me to follow "the norm." Things like "No, this is just the way it is. I don't care if it's wrong, it's the way it is and you're just a naïve child and how dare you muster the will to try and change things." "No, this is how I'm telling you how to do this. I don't care if it doesn't work for everybody, this is my way and you are to do it as such." "Don't trust yourself on how you should live, let me tell you how to live and how dare you defy me."
None of my personality traits were nurtured and authority always tried to turn me into a robot while the majority of my peers neglected me because I wasn't into watching sports or talking about Yu Gi Oh or anything normal kids were into. I was always in fights with my teachers because they wanted me to do things their established way and not the way that worked for me. I don't mean following basic directions, I mean situations like how to solve a math problem. I've always butted heads with math teachers because they wanted me to solve problems a certain way, and I couldn't process them that way. I am not directly good with numbers, I have to use critical thinking and logic to break down the problems into the how and why, then solve them accordingly. So I was always stuck between getting in trouble for not solving an issue a certain way, or getting a poor grade because I was pressured into solving the problem the way they decided we all should.

Despite what seemed to be the world working against me, I kept the patience and understanding to realize they meant the best and allowed myself to give some leeway to make it easier on others while staying true to myself and operating how I needed to operate. I researched topics such as etymology, biology, psychology, art, and so on and so forth to fuel my passion for learning and build up skills for my future, so that I can live a comfortable life and spend my time helping others who need help most.

But then my parents divorced. I know that doesn't sound nearly as bad to any of you as it feels for me, even to those who have suffered the same thing. But for me, if tore my world apart.
I was forced from my way of life into moving 3 times in 1 year right after my junior year of high school. All that I had spent building up for myself and my future was reset to nothing. I lost my ability to make connections, and I lost my trust in others. I gained extreme anxiety, and a whole galaxy load of self-doubt. But the most painful thing is how it affected my family. My older sister reacted by immediately running away. She has a rough time, but seemingly was able to put together the life she wanted. Unfortunately, that's not the case and she's suffering from loneliness and a wife with depression because her family disowned her for being lesbian. My sister wants to have a decent life, but she isn't able to find a job that pays her enough, despite her taking extra hours almost every week just to stay afloat. It's tearing her apart and I can't stand seeing her like this. My little brother went from the happiest person you could know to someone who's drowning in their despair. I CAN'T FUCKING BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH THAT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE. We're almost twins, and we've been each other's best friends for our whole lives. And the worst part is that he processes things similarly to how I do, so I know exactly the agony he's going through. Hopelessness, uselessness, despair, and agony. My mom's heart is broken and is in constant fear my dad will marry his new girlfriend. She developed MS after losing her dad and brother within a couple of years, and while it was maintainable and able to possibly go away if she kept stress out of her life (stress worsens MS and causes it to increase in diagnoses), her dream was to be a mother and dropped everything, even her physical health, to adopt and raise 3 kids who otherwise may not have had a home. The divorce makes her feel like a failure of a mother, and when she says that to us it's like a thousand spears are piercing my heart. No matter how much we reassure her, it doesn't change how she feels. She is quite literally the most kind and selfless person you could ever meet. My own mother stays up at night crying, when she's almost 60 years old and should be enjoying her life. That's far beyond heartbreaking, and makes me feel so useless for not being able to do anything about it. My father may not show it, but we know he's trying to keep us together, He's supporting me financially as I don't make enough, even full time, to live, and I had to drop college due to all of this making it near impossible to focus on classes. I was sinking money into worsening grades.

The amount of times we've been able to muster any amount of hope, and the amount of times those attempts have but shot down make me begin to feel like it's impossible to get out of this. But I have to keep trying. It's caused a great disconnect between my current self and my former self, and I've been working on trying not to hate myself for all that has happened. I desperately want a therapist but can't afford one. I'm in debt from eye surgery and don't even have a means to pay that off. I feel lost in a sea of darkness, and I'm losing sight of the light.

It's tough, but I have to keep going, even if it's simply for the sake of surviving. I don't want to be another number in a statistic inside a morgue, I want to change the world for the better. I don't want to give in since I know I can do great things for the world. But this trial seems so insurmountable...

Made some progress in this department, and I thought I should log my journey somewhere (never much one to write in a journal), so here's my current dilemma:

It seems like less and less people care about what's behind the surface. That disinterest and walking away have been a struggle having to deal with. When people walk away like that, I just think "Oh, welp, I'm done with you then." It's disappointing, and over time, it's exhausting and upsetting. It also makes it incredibly difficult to open up to people when I already have a difficult time doing that. I've also been dealing with people breaking my focus and forcing me to restart, and people not allowing me to implement my better ideas on certain things that clearly aren't as good as they could be, or are just plain bad. It's been increasingly frustrating at work.

People who rush me to make decisions don't let me think about said decisions, and that leads to a whole bunch of poor decisions that could've been avoided if I was respected in my decision-making process. I'm non indecisive, sometimes I just need time to come to a decision. Happened in my last relationship, my job, and so on. I feel like adopting the policy; "If I'm pressured into doing something or making a decision, the answer is no/I'll walk away." I think I would also need to make that clear at first. If they don't respect my boundaries, then they don't respect my time. I think that could be helpful.

I've grown up caring for others and wanting to help make the world a better place, and all I've heard from those around me was "You need to focus on yourself, don't worry about the world/others." I still want and do help others and try and make a difference, but now, when I'm at a point in my life where I really need to find my direction and my path, and who I am, I'm being forced to compromise my time for people who don't respect it in the first place. "Exhausting," "frustrating," and "overwhelming" wouldn't do what this makes me go through justice. It just feels like the sky is spinning out of control. I know my values, I know my goals, and I know who I wish to be, but I don't know who Truth Eternity is... in the present. And I think I have to find that out to move forward, but the whole world seems to not want that right now. Ugh!!

I've also been getting the increasing feeling of my purpose -- to help others. But on a grander scale than what I'm currently used to/comfortable with. I've always wanted to do that, but I'm afraid
that would mean I don't get to pursue my passion of telling a story and creating a world through game development. I asked God a while ago if my dreams are realistic... maybe this is God's answer. He's saying yes, but I'm apprehensive. I'd love to accept it, but I need to grow comfortable in that decision and what it would mean.

And then I have my longer-term struggles. My brother finally moved into a facility that will help him learn the skills he wasn't able to growing up, and has been doing much better and is much happier. I think seeing him like he was while that move was delayed for months was just... I can't even. He was probably the worst I've seen him. He was a miserable slob... my own brother. That, and the news of my dad getting engaged, and how I thought that would break my mom. And how my sister was feeling extra sad and missing us so much... it felt like all my efforts to heal were just sunken, and I was at the lowest point I've been in a while. I'm glad my mom is so strong, and that news didn't break her. My sister's doing well and I think has passed that point enough where she had really been missing us. The stress of all this extra work, just to get a full time job that paid a little more, was adding up, and I had months of different shit I had to do for the application process. It's done now, but I'm opening a new venue and have been having to take in so much information, and I'll have to train students (who are my age, btw, since I couldn't afford to stay in college) this week. I also have to learn about union work, benefits, 401Ks, and all this stuff for the first time, and I'm on a 30 day timer to learn about and choose a life insurance program, and 6 months to choose a 401k. I was sitting during the whole life insurance presentation and was just thinking to myself "If we just had medicare for all." It's very overwhelming, and I don't have anyone I'm comfortable turning to emotionally during times like this. Last time I opened up, I was destroyed. But I've done so much on my own, and I do have resources and am starting to realize I have people I can turn to for non-emotional help, so that's nice.
It's been taking a while, but I'd say I've made great progress in 8 months. Everything I knew was uprooted and gone, and my whole life felt like it reset. In way too many ways it did, but I'm working on putting things back together. I'm very happy about my progress! It isn't easy, but I'm getting there.

 

[John K]

@Truth Eternity I don't know if you can feel it yourself clearly, but your core of strength shines through all the brokenness you are having to deal with in your life. I'm unsure if my own experience is any use to you, but eventually I came to realise that, though I could see other people pretty clearly as they were, they mostly couldn't see me as I am. It was a bit of a shock awakening to see this. I've learnt more recently that it's the fate of many people with INFJ preferences. It helped me to think of them, in a sort of way, like children - not to diminish them but to understand why they seem so blind to what is obvious to me, and why they couldn't understand how I work. It stopped me from involuntarily blaming them for the way they behaved, and feeling devalued, which was blocking me from coming to terms with it.