Reflecting on your former self | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Reflecting on your former self

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, Nov 23, 2020.

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  1. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    Thank you for sharing this. A lot of it resonates especially feeling developmentally behind because of how much work I'm having to do in order to get through my childhood trauma so I definitely understand that. But it's better to do it later in life than never at all.
     
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  2. Winterflowers

    Winterflowers Community Member

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    Goodness. You sure know how to ask a question.
    I wish I could talk about this. This thread has sat on my monitor for an hour now. I know the answer and have the words, but they don't feel right setting free.

    We should all have a chance to sample our mortality though, before the main course at the end. It changes everything.
     
  3. ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    The work you put in for yourself, no matter how much or hard, is worth it because you desire to see yourself through the pain and come out stronger on the other side.
    Let no one take that away from you, that you're more than worthy of seeing a better, healthier and whole version of yourself.
    And the gentleness to know we don't need to pressure ourselves to move at anyone else pace but your own.
    The fact that you have started this journey means you're constantly getting closer to being healthy and whole

    Ordz
     
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  4. Korg

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    I divide them up by circumstances, though it's hard to say exactly when the divisions occur or why. Life seems to define all that for me and it's much clearer in hindsight.

    But if I had to be broad about it:

    1. The first time I fell in love and experienced heartbreak
    2. The period of time when I started getting honest with myself about who and what I am
    3. Officially launching my career / the first half of it
    4. The second half of my career and being with Bird

    Lots of good and bad in each.

    What sticks out to me is how deeply influenced I was by subconscious forces, many of which were pulling in opposite directions. Ambition, fear, confidence, rage, sensitivity, fear of vulnerability -- an unfocused shitshow that caused a lot of chaos in my life and the lives of those around me. The low point was when I had to leave LA and move back in with my parents, living in my old bedroom. I effectively lived in there for a year straight, unemployed. I was so fucked up in the head and felt completely unmoored as a human being. All the components that "make me up" were there but the structural part that held it all together had been vaporized by various events that occurred in a short period of time. I really get it when people struggle with existential issues. That feeling of a bottomless chasm inside of yourself that is silently screaming at you every day is a unique kind of pain. Fortunately, there's a path through it and it's good for strengthening the soul.


    I really like how my life has progressed since those days. What I have accomplished in the past six years would have been beyond belief to that kid sitting in his bedroom. Of all the things I am most proud of in life, the sheer fact I got my head out of my ass and went after all my dreams is what I'm most proud of. I could have capitulated to my own bullshit but I didn't and that means a lot. I don't even care about the results half as much, it's all about the journey and the friends I've made along the way. Obviously I still have bad days but then I just give myself space and outlets and get back to it.
     
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  5. Truth Eternity

    Truth Eternity Community Member

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    Made some progress in this department, and I thought I should log my journey somewhere (never much one to write in a journal), so here's my current dilemma:

    It seems like less and less people care about what's behind the surface. That disinterest and walking away have been a struggle having to deal with. When people walk away like that, I just think "Oh, welp, I'm done with you then." It's disappointing, and over time, it's exhausting and upsetting. It also makes it incredibly difficult to open up to people when I already have a difficult time doing that. I've also been dealing with people breaking my focus and forcing me to restart, and people not allowing me to implement my better ideas on certain things that clearly aren't as good as they could be, or are just plain bad. It's been increasingly frustrating at work.

    People who rush me to make decisions don't let me think about said decisions, and that leads to a whole bunch of poor decisions that could've been avoided if I was respected in my decision-making process. I'm non indecisive, sometimes I just need time to come to a decision. Happened in my last relationship, my job, and so on. I feel like adopting the policy; "If I'm pressured into doing something or making a decision, the answer is no/I'll walk away." I think I would also need to make that clear at first. If they don't respect my boundaries, then they don't respect my time. I think that could be helpful.

    I've grown up caring for others and wanting to help make the world a better place, and all I've heard from those around me was "You need to focus on yourself, don't worry about the world/others." I still want and do help others and try and make a difference, but now, when I'm at a point in my life where I really need to find my direction and my path, and who I am, I'm being forced to compromise my time for people who don't respect it in the first place. "Exhausting," "frustrating," and "overwhelming" wouldn't do what this makes me go through justice. It just feels like the sky is spinning out of control. I know my values, I know my goals, and I know who I wish to be, but I don't know who Truth Eternity is... in the present. And I think I have to find that out to move forward, but the whole world seems to not want that right now. Ugh!!

    I've also been getting the increasing feeling of my purpose -- to help others. But on a grander scale than what I'm currently used to/comfortable with. I've always wanted to do that, but I'm afraid
    that would mean I don't get to pursue my passion of telling a story and creating a world through game development. I asked God a while ago if my dreams are realistic... maybe this is God's answer. He's saying yes, but I'm apprehensive. I'd love to accept it, but I need to grow comfortable in that decision and what it would mean.

    And then I have my longer-term struggles. My brother finally moved into a facility that will help him learn the skills he wasn't able to growing up, and has been doing much better and is much happier. I think seeing him like he was while that move was delayed for months was just... I can't even. He was probably the worst I've seen him. He was a miserable slob... my own brother. That, and the news of my dad getting engaged, and how I thought that would break my mom. And how my sister was feeling extra sad and missing us so much... it felt like all my efforts to heal were just sunken, and I was at the lowest point I've been in a while. I'm glad my mom is so strong, and that news didn't break her. My sister's doing well and I think has passed that point enough where she had really been missing us. The stress of all this extra work, just to get a full time job that paid a little more, was adding up, and I had months of different shit I had to do for the application process. It's done now, but I'm opening a new venue and have been having to take in so much information, and I'll have to train students (who are my age, btw, since I couldn't afford to stay in college) this week. I also have to learn about union work, benefits, 401Ks, and all this stuff for the first time, and I'm on a 30 day timer to learn about and choose a life insurance program, and 6 months to choose a 401k. I was sitting during the whole life insurance presentation and was just thinking to myself "If we just had medicare for all." It's very overwhelming, and I don't have anyone I'm comfortable turning to emotionally during times like this. Last time I opened up, I was destroyed. But I've done so much on my own, and I do have resources and am starting to realize I have people I can turn to for non-emotional help, so that's nice.
    It's been taking a while, but I'd say I've made great progress in 8 months. Everything I knew was uprooted and gone, and my whole life felt like it reset. In way too many ways it did, but I'm working on putting things back together. I'm very happy about my progress! It isn't easy, but I'm getting there.
     
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    #25 Truth Eternity, Feb 15, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2021
  6. John K

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    @Truth Eternity I don't know if you can feel it yourself clearly, but your core of strength shines through all the brokenness you are having to deal with in your life. I'm unsure if my own experience is any use to you, but eventually I came to realise that, though I could see other people pretty clearly as they were, they mostly couldn't see me as I am. It was a bit of a shock awakening to see this. I've learnt more recently that it's the fate of many people with INFJ preferences. It helped me to think of them, in a sort of way, like children - not to diminish them but to understand why they seem so blind to what is obvious to me, and why they couldn't understand how I work. It stopped me from involuntarily blaming them for the way they behaved, and feeling devalued, which was blocking me from coming to terms with it.
     
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