Mike S
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ
I was recently placed on no-duty. Im a medic/firefighter of 16 years. I will try to work backwards from here. About a year and a half ago I started developing malignant hypertension. I found whenever I went to the fire dept my blood pressure would sky rocket and for about an additional 36 hours after. I was already on one blood pressure med before this particular incident. But, I showed up to work and began checking out my truck and started feeling like shit. I had a medic take my bp and it was 180/118. I was 38 at the time, not over-weight, non-smoker, on a vegetarian diet. I was transported to the local ER and 1 year later I have been through probably 20 different medications. I have multiple tests done of every organ in my body. I have had sever anxiety my entire career. I think as an INFJ i picked the wrong career. Whenever I get on-scene I start absorbing everything around me. Its a very difficult thing to absorb emotions from family members of suicides. I had no idea how bad this job would be or what it would do to me. I've always buried my past and my pains and when they would come up I would binge drink and put it back in its cage for a while. I became paralyzed with fear. I am now on 5 blood pressure meds a day. I was on 9 at one point. Ive already had a change in dr. I had chest pains a couple weeks ago from all the anxiety. They gave me a stress test and I was received cardiac catheterization last week. I was told me heart is clean. The workers comp cardiologist refused for so long to accept that it was strictly anxiety. But I pleaded my case and was given a workers comp psychiatrist. He immediately put me on light duty and told me I have sever anxiety with ptsd. I was given an assignment at my home fire station and now I was at the fire station every day. I became extremely ocd with every task I was given. I felt worthless. I had to keep seeing my brother and sisters going on calls. I had to keep hearing the tones. Hear the calls come in. See the flashing lights and loud sirens. Everything became a trigger. I began breaking down and crying every day and became even more fearful that someone would see. My blood pressure started elevating while on all the meds. I saw my work comp psychiatrist and he put me on no duty. He has been prescribing me a therapist but they won't give me one. I can't believe how hard it is to find help as a firefighter with ptsd. The psychiatrist has never even attempted to give me any coping techniques. He has prescribed lexapro and doxepin. Now I'm on 7 meds. I got a lawyer and began filling out disability paperwork. I'm not rich and our health insurance sucks. I have a high deductible insurance. I have been so cripple with fear, pain, and anxiety. I was fine until I saw the psychiatrist. I had a system. A system of alcohol and drug abuse. It has got me through my life. I look back now and realize I started developing ptsd almost immediately. For an INFJ its hard to tell because we already isolate. I got to the point where I had to come back after every call and go in my bunk turn my lights off and put on soft music and use breathing techniques just to try to control my pressure. I had guy taking my blood pressure all the time. I researched the best supplement and diets. I did a lacto-vegetarian diet for 3 month and lost 35lbs. I am 6'5" and weigh 215lbs now. My blood pressure didn't budge. I started getting light headed at the fire station from all the meds, called orthostatic hypotension. It would last for about 10 seconds. Kinda dangerous, but the cardiologist didn't care. Between the crippling fear and pain off calls mixed with sever anxiety of being on all these meds with side effects that ruined mine and my wifes sex life. I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed help and didn't know where to look. You hear about ptsd but its still taboo and guys will still call you a fucking pussy ass bitch. I work in a progressive fire dept too. I have a couple guys that check in on me but the support is underwhelming. I need help. I started paying $160 to go to a therapist while Im on no-duty. Its expensive especially this time of year and don't know how long I can go. I know i need intensive care. I can't leave my family. I cook, clean, shop, do the yard work. My wife and kids couldn't manage. I didn't know I could feel this bad. I always drowned it in the past. But with all this cardiac stuff happening concurrently I need to face this head on. I haven't had a drink since april. I need to get this out of me. It makes you feel unclean, some of the things you witness. I have a gift like most infjs and that was being able to mirror my patients. I knew how to put them at eased spoke healing into them. I even received paramedic of the year one year. I was hyper vigilant all the time and its extremely draining. I just can't do it anymore. I have to separate from the fire dept.. I haven't been on this site in a while. I have no friends. I've lost trust in folks. I could use some help with how some of you with this disorder cope. I could really just use someone to talk to. I just get the extreme bouts of depression and could use any words of encouragement. I don't like asking for help. Thats why I've drowned it my whole life. But please share your experience, let me relate.
