PTSD and INFJ | INFJ Forum

PTSD and INFJ

Mike S

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Jul 15, 2018
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MBTI
INFJ
I was recently placed on no-duty. Im a medic/firefighter of 16 years. I will try to work backwards from here. About a year and a half ago I started developing malignant hypertension. I found whenever I went to the fire dept my blood pressure would sky rocket and for about an additional 36 hours after. I was already on one blood pressure med before this particular incident. But, I showed up to work and began checking out my truck and started feeling like shit. I had a medic take my bp and it was 180/118. I was 38 at the time, not over-weight, non-smoker, on a vegetarian diet. I was transported to the local ER and 1 year later I have been through probably 20 different medications. I have multiple tests done of every organ in my body. I have had sever anxiety my entire career. I think as an INFJ i picked the wrong career. Whenever I get on-scene I start absorbing everything around me. Its a very difficult thing to absorb emotions from family members of suicides. I had no idea how bad this job would be or what it would do to me. I've always buried my past and my pains and when they would come up I would binge drink and put it back in its cage for a while. I became paralyzed with fear. I am now on 5 blood pressure meds a day. I was on 9 at one point. Ive already had a change in dr. I had chest pains a couple weeks ago from all the anxiety. They gave me a stress test and I was received cardiac catheterization last week. I was told me heart is clean. The workers comp cardiologist refused for so long to accept that it was strictly anxiety. But I pleaded my case and was given a workers comp psychiatrist. He immediately put me on light duty and told me I have sever anxiety with ptsd. I was given an assignment at my home fire station and now I was at the fire station every day. I became extremely ocd with every task I was given. I felt worthless. I had to keep seeing my brother and sisters going on calls. I had to keep hearing the tones. Hear the calls come in. See the flashing lights and loud sirens. Everything became a trigger. I began breaking down and crying every day and became even more fearful that someone would see. My blood pressure started elevating while on all the meds. I saw my work comp psychiatrist and he put me on no duty. He has been prescribing me a therapist but they won't give me one. I can't believe how hard it is to find help as a firefighter with ptsd. The psychiatrist has never even attempted to give me any coping techniques. He has prescribed lexapro and doxepin. Now I'm on 7 meds. I got a lawyer and began filling out disability paperwork. I'm not rich and our health insurance sucks. I have a high deductible insurance. I have been so cripple with fear, pain, and anxiety. I was fine until I saw the psychiatrist. I had a system. A system of alcohol and drug abuse. It has got me through my life. I look back now and realize I started developing ptsd almost immediately. For an INFJ its hard to tell because we already isolate. I got to the point where I had to come back after every call and go in my bunk turn my lights off and put on soft music and use breathing techniques just to try to control my pressure. I had guy taking my blood pressure all the time. I researched the best supplement and diets. I did a lacto-vegetarian diet for 3 month and lost 35lbs. I am 6'5" and weigh 215lbs now. My blood pressure didn't budge. I started getting light headed at the fire station from all the meds, called orthostatic hypotension. It would last for about 10 seconds. Kinda dangerous, but the cardiologist didn't care. Between the crippling fear and pain off calls mixed with sever anxiety of being on all these meds with side effects that ruined mine and my wifes sex life. I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed help and didn't know where to look. You hear about ptsd but its still taboo and guys will still call you a fucking pussy ass bitch. I work in a progressive fire dept too. I have a couple guys that check in on me but the support is underwhelming. I need help. I started paying $160 to go to a therapist while Im on no-duty. Its expensive especially this time of year and don't know how long I can go. I know i need intensive care. I can't leave my family. I cook, clean, shop, do the yard work. My wife and kids couldn't manage. I didn't know I could feel this bad. I always drowned it in the past. But with all this cardiac stuff happening concurrently I need to face this head on. I haven't had a drink since april. I need to get this out of me. It makes you feel unclean, some of the things you witness. I have a gift like most infjs and that was being able to mirror my patients. I knew how to put them at eased spoke healing into them. I even received paramedic of the year one year. I was hyper vigilant all the time and its extremely draining. I just can't do it anymore. I have to separate from the fire dept.. I haven't been on this site in a while. I have no friends. I've lost trust in folks. I could use some help with how some of you with this disorder cope. I could really just use someone to talk to. I just get the extreme bouts of depression and could use any words of encouragement. I don't like asking for help. Thats why I've drowned it my whole life. But please share your experience, let me relate.
 
I don't have any personal experience in this regard, but I feel for you. I've known people with PTSD, it can be a bit of a journey to figure out a good rhythm of functioning with it and getting proper help, but it can definitely be done.
 
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(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry. I can feel the anxiety and stress in your post.

I think you should keep going to therapy. Try to find free, or low-cost therapy and counseling for firefighters and emts. I quickly Googled, an there seem to be many sources for this.
betterhelp.com
csff.info
ct.counseling.org
nvfc.org
firehouse.com

Personal experience coping with my own stress and PTSD has taught me that relying on friends (or other random humans) to understand, listen, and support is a bad idea. Ultimately, you could alienate your friends, and they may not understand (or worse, may not care), while professionals are trained to help you, and dedicated. Therapists chose that life to help others. Ultimately, friends are not trained to help you.

Secondly, you need to find a way to destress and relax. You need an activity that helps you unwind. Exercise, sports, reading, yoga, meditation, music, craft (woodworking, for example), video games, and art are all common relaxation hobbies. Choose something fun and/or rewarding. (As a dad, you'll probably feel selfish for taking "me time", but you need it.)

Third, your spouse and family need to take more responsibility. You sound overwhelmed at home, too. You cannot do everything by yourself.

Lacto-Ovo vegetarianism won't necessarily help your blood pressure or cholesterol. Eggs and dairy still contain high amounts of animal fat and cholesterol. Try eating foods with higher fat and cholesterol less frequently, and sticking to veggies, grains (instead of pasta), and lean protein, whether that protein is a vegetarian option, or not. (I'm vegan, and I am honestly saying this out of concern. I'd rather see you eat a little bit of lean meat, like fish, than rely on cheese, eggs, and dairy for your nutrients due to your health condition.)

Finally, if you do find avenues to improve your health (both PTSD and HBP and stress) and it doesn't help, you may need to change careers. That is scary to think about right now but just let the idea settle slowly.

Overall, I'm really worried about you. Sincerest hugs to you. <3
 
I've seen two therapists since I last posted. The first I saw three times, paid for out of pocket while waiting for my workers comp therapist. She specialized in PTSD and childhood trauma, which I am also full of. The few times I saw her was just enough time to get her up to speed with my life. I also inquired if she was aware of the MBTI and she wasn't. The $160 a visit was just too much when your on no-duty and the workers comp therapist was to begin the following week. I've started seeing the workers comp therapist, he scheduled me for two days a week. Ive seen him now 4 times. He has talked about CBT but thats all we've done. When ever he asks about any part of my life I feel like someone is hitting me in stomach with a bat. My tears just flow the entire time and don't stop. He continually redirects to help stop the emotions.
I don't feel like anything is helping. CBT therapy is supposed to replace a good though with a bad thought. But my reasons for feeling the way this way are rational and thus CBT seems insufficient for me. I also asked him about MBTI and he denied knowing anything about it. He has been a therapist since the 80s. He thinks I was diagnosing my personality based off my disability. He seems to give my thoughts little value. I'm not sure how to move forward. Im currently waiting to receive a date for an Independent Medical Examiner (IME), appointed by my pension board. I decided to go with my wife, kids, and in-laws yesterday to local fair. It was going ok until I saw someone that I worked with. It was as if I just exploded inside. It hurt really bad. The truth is I feel worthless, useless, and just a waste of space. I saw him smiling with his family. I felt he deserved to be there but not me. I feel I don't deserve to be alive. I feel my family would be way better off with another father/husband.

I can't stop feeling so bad inside. My emotions cause severe physical pain in ways I don't know how to describe. I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. When does therapy start helping?