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[INTP] Need advice about INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Vinyl, Mar 25, 2020.

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  1. Vinyl

    Vinyl Two

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    Hi,

    I'm an INTP and not too long ago, I broke up with my girlfriend who I believe is an INFJ (although I'm not 100% sure). Actually, she broke up with me. We met in high school and started out as friends. We started officially dating senior year, and it was great. She helped me open up a little and I was there for her whenever she needed to vent. Even when we went off to different colleges in different states, we found time for each other in our busy schedules. Only, college was really difficult for me. I ended up leaving school last year midway through spring semester, which affected me rather significantly.

    I really couldn't talk about it. Not with anyone. Not even with her. I just needed time to come up with a plan to get past it. Discussing the situation with other people only made it harder to do that. So I didn't tell her. Over the summer, when she would ask about school, I would be vague and evasive. I didn't want to lie to her but I also couldn't tell her everything. Maybe I should've said something happened at school but I wasn't ready to talk about it. Although, it seems like that would only make her worry more. So I pretended everything was fine. She ended up finding out anyway from someone else.

    After that it looked like we would okay. We didn't have a lot of time to talk about it because she had to go back to school. But she seemed more worried than outraged and we fell back into our normal routine. Until, a few weeks later, she stopped responding for a while. I figured she was still upset so I gave her some space. Eventually, she asked if she could send me a letter. I thought that was a sign that she was ready to talk again, so I called her. That's when I learned just how angry she was. Turns out the letter was a list of questions and she didn't want to talk to me until I was ready to answer them. I wasn't. I was a lot closer than when I first left school but I still needed a bit more time. About a month later, she called to break up with me.

    The irony is that a week later, I did figure out a plan to move forward with my life and was finally ready to talk about what happened. So it was especially difficult that the first, and honestly, only person I wanted to tell just ended the relationship. After a few months, around the holidays, she agreed to meet with me. I told her everything. How difficult school was for me. Why I couldn't discuss it before. What my plans were moving forward. She said she forgives me but she doesn't trust me anymore. She was willing to go back to being friends but only if I agreed to certain conditions. I couldn't call her anymore and we couldn't be alone together. I probably should've left it at that. Instead, I asked if she could agree to wait a little before dating anyone else if I was going to adhere to her rules. This led her to think I was trying to control her and she ended all contact.

    So that's where I am now. I'm hurt. I'm sorry. Sometimes worried. Sometimes angry. But mostly confused. I kind of understand why she broke up with me. Maybe we should've been more open with each other at that point in our relationship. I think we were both still holding parts of ourselves back. But I can see not wanting to date someone who hides something so big. But to completely cut me out of her life seems a bit extreme, not to mention impractical, considering we still have a lot of the same friends. Do I deserve this? Is there anything I can do earn back her trust? Or at least get her to talk to me again? Why did my actions hurt her so much? Am I missing something? Any feedback would be great.
     
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  2. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    welcome to the forum. . well, you lied, and a big one. and frankly, it seems like a pointless one. If you cared for her she should have been the first one you went to, not other friends. .My guess is that the lie hurt here more than you realize.
    Give her time ands space if she wants to talk to you she will reach out. If you pursue her it will make things worse. Sorry for the situation, it must hurt
     
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  3. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Sorry about your situation, break-ups are never easy.

    Well consider this a lesson and experience to learn from. It’s never okay to lie and hold something back, it just already paints a picture that you don’t hold enough regard to her as a partner for support. That’s what relationships are for, right? To love, respect, care, and support one another? Through the good and bad?

    So it’s understandable why she would be upset. And well, considering you kept it from her for quite an extended time and lied to her continuously that you were still going to school, it’s a bigger reason for her to react the way she did. If you can hide something like that for so long, what makes you think she can believe or trust that you won’t do the same thing again, but for a much more bigger and worse problem?

    Give her time as emotions are still fresh and raw. Perhaps she will start talking to you again, but don’t expect that you and her will get into a relationship again, as once you lose someone’s trust, you will never get it back or it won’t be the same way it used to be before.

    You are also both young and immature, and this is just a lesson to learn from and not repeat in the next relationship. It hurts, but take this as a growing experience.
     
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  4. OP
    Vinyl

    Vinyl Two

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    Thanks for the feedback.
    I didn't go to any other friends about this. The only people who knew anything were involved in the process. And I couldn't talk about it with any of them either. I get why you say I lied but I just don't see it that way. I made it a point not to lie. Maybe I wasn't completely honest but everything I told her was the truth. That's not to say what I did was any better than lying, or that I don't regret it.
    If she just needs more time to process her emotions I don't mind waiting. I'm a little worried that being alone with her thoughts will only make her more angry with me, considering that seems to be the case so far. In the event that she does reach out, what should I say?
     
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  5. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    tell the total and complete truth. . let her ask all the questions she needs to ask. . and just be honest
     
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