Hi,
I'm an INTP and not too long ago, I broke up with my girlfriend who I believe is an INFJ (although I'm not 100% sure). Actually, she broke up with me. We met in high school and started out as friends. We started officially dating senior year, and it was great. She helped me open up a little and I was there for her whenever she needed to vent. Even when we went off to different colleges in different states, we found time for each other in our busy schedules. Only, college was really difficult for me. I ended up leaving school last year midway through spring semester, which affected me rather significantly.
I really couldn't talk about it. Not with anyone. Not even with her. I just needed time to come up with a plan to get past it. Discussing the situation with other people only made it harder to do that. So I didn't tell her. Over the summer, when she would ask about school, I would be vague and evasive. I didn't want to lie to her but I also couldn't tell her everything. Maybe I should've said something happened at school but I wasn't ready to talk about it. Although, it seems like that would only make her worry more. So I pretended everything was fine. She ended up finding out anyway from someone else.
After that it looked like we would okay. We didn't have a lot of time to talk about it because she had to go back to school. But she seemed more worried than outraged and we fell back into our normal routine. Until, a few weeks later, she stopped responding for a while. I figured she was still upset so I gave her some space. Eventually, she asked if she could send me a letter. I thought that was a sign that she was ready to talk again, so I called her. That's when I learned just how angry she was. Turns out the letter was a list of questions and she didn't want to talk to me until I was ready to answer them. I wasn't. I was a lot closer than when I first left school but I still needed a bit more time. About a month later, she called to break up with me.
The irony is that a week later, I did figure out a plan to move forward with my life and was finally ready to talk about what happened. So it was especially difficult that the first, and honestly, only person I wanted to tell just ended the relationship. After a few months, around the holidays, she agreed to meet with me. I told her everything. How difficult school was for me. Why I couldn't discuss it before. What my plans were moving forward. She said she forgives me but she doesn't trust me anymore. She was willing to go back to being friends but only if I agreed to certain conditions. I couldn't call her anymore and we couldn't be alone together. I probably should've left it at that. Instead, I asked if she could agree to wait a little before dating anyone else if I was going to adhere to her rules. This led her to think I was trying to control her and she ended all contact.
So that's where I am now. I'm hurt. I'm sorry. Sometimes worried. Sometimes angry. But mostly confused. I kind of understand why she broke up with me. Maybe we should've been more open with each other at that point in our relationship. I think we were both still holding parts of ourselves back. But I can see not wanting to date someone who hides something so big. But to completely cut me out of her life seems a bit extreme, not to mention impractical, considering we still have a lot of the same friends. Do I deserve this? Is there anything I can do earn back her trust? Or at least get her to talk to me again? Why did my actions hurt her so much? Am I missing something? Any feedback would be great.
I'm an INTP and not too long ago, I broke up with my girlfriend who I believe is an INFJ (although I'm not 100% sure). Actually, she broke up with me. We met in high school and started out as friends. We started officially dating senior year, and it was great. She helped me open up a little and I was there for her whenever she needed to vent. Even when we went off to different colleges in different states, we found time for each other in our busy schedules. Only, college was really difficult for me. I ended up leaving school last year midway through spring semester, which affected me rather significantly.
I really couldn't talk about it. Not with anyone. Not even with her. I just needed time to come up with a plan to get past it. Discussing the situation with other people only made it harder to do that. So I didn't tell her. Over the summer, when she would ask about school, I would be vague and evasive. I didn't want to lie to her but I also couldn't tell her everything. Maybe I should've said something happened at school but I wasn't ready to talk about it. Although, it seems like that would only make her worry more. So I pretended everything was fine. She ended up finding out anyway from someone else.
After that it looked like we would okay. We didn't have a lot of time to talk about it because she had to go back to school. But she seemed more worried than outraged and we fell back into our normal routine. Until, a few weeks later, she stopped responding for a while. I figured she was still upset so I gave her some space. Eventually, she asked if she could send me a letter. I thought that was a sign that she was ready to talk again, so I called her. That's when I learned just how angry she was. Turns out the letter was a list of questions and she didn't want to talk to me until I was ready to answer them. I wasn't. I was a lot closer than when I first left school but I still needed a bit more time. About a month later, she called to break up with me.
The irony is that a week later, I did figure out a plan to move forward with my life and was finally ready to talk about what happened. So it was especially difficult that the first, and honestly, only person I wanted to tell just ended the relationship. After a few months, around the holidays, she agreed to meet with me. I told her everything. How difficult school was for me. Why I couldn't discuss it before. What my plans were moving forward. She said she forgives me but she doesn't trust me anymore. She was willing to go back to being friends but only if I agreed to certain conditions. I couldn't call her anymore and we couldn't be alone together. I probably should've left it at that. Instead, I asked if she could agree to wait a little before dating anyone else if I was going to adhere to her rules. This led her to think I was trying to control her and she ended all contact.
So that's where I am now. I'm hurt. I'm sorry. Sometimes worried. Sometimes angry. But mostly confused. I kind of understand why she broke up with me. Maybe we should've been more open with each other at that point in our relationship. I think we were both still holding parts of ourselves back. But I can see not wanting to date someone who hides something so big. But to completely cut me out of her life seems a bit extreme, not to mention impractical, considering we still have a lot of the same friends. Do I deserve this? Is there anything I can do earn back her trust? Or at least get her to talk to me again? Why did my actions hurt her so much? Am I missing something? Any feedback would be great.
