Middle School Mentoring Advice: Getting Along with Others, Conceptual Issues

[dogman6126]

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't been so active recently. This is probably my busiest semester yet. I was hoping for some advice on a project I'm working on though. So I'm part of a volunteering program called PACE at my university, and it is a tutoring/mentoring program for a local middle school. Here soon I will be leading the discussion with the kids about a topic I chose, but I'm struggling to come up with what to teach. The topic is "friendships, peer relationships, and getting along with others". I've got the friendships and peer relationships part down, but I don't feel I've nailed down the getting along with others part yet.

My segway into this section follows talk about friendships, and starts with an activity called the human knot. Basically everyone gets in a circle, puts their hands in the middle, and grabs someone else's hand while tangling their arms up. Then they have to work together to get untangled without letting go of anyone. I'll use that to start talking about getting along with others, cooperation, etc. Then I'll say something like, "getting along with others isn't always easy, but we should always try to get along with others. Why do you guys think that is?" (not worded exactly like that probably) I'll ask for suggestions and write them on the board. After that I'll get to the meat of the issue. How to get along with others. So far I've got three main rules I tried to come up with. 1. Be patient, 2. Be forgiving, and 3. Be respectful. I feel that these are the three things that really got me to learn how to get along with others (and am still working on honestly).

My problem is I'm not sure I have a good or complete pick of simple rules, and it feels so classic. Stuff they've heard before, and so they probably won't internalize it as well. I think I'll try to come up with examples in their lives to talk about when going over these things to help them connect with it better.

I feel that I understand well enough the psychology of that age group, but I don't feel I've grasped the concept of getting along with others very well. I feel that if I could be confortable with the material I'll be going over, then I will be ok figuring out how to go over it. So my primary question is what does it mean to get along with others? What are the key features of this? I need to better understand the social interactions involved in "getting along with others". Any other advice is also welcome, but that is my biggest wall right now.

The last thing I'll do is ask them to write down some things they think they can do tomorrow to help themselves get along with others better, and have them keep it.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Sriracha]

Tough age group, and I think you have more than enough rules. You need to keep your lesson simple or you will lose them. Unless they have been exposed to peer counseling on a regular basis, they will not be so quick to interact out of fear of what the others will think. This is something that you can build in time.

Having them write down an answer to your question is a great idea, but I wouldn't have them keep it. Tell them you will read them out loud and to not put their name on their paper.

I'd be more than happy to ask my middle-schooler what he thinks, if you would like to pick his brain.


ETA: I'll tell you what it means to "get along with others" at this age group:

1. Be respectful.
2. Know when it is polite to interject or when to shut your trap. (This is a tough one for the logical kids and one I've had to reinforce with my son.)
3. Understand that each and every person is carrying their own burden, so be careful with your words.
4. Not everyone fits into what you see as a social norm. In my sons school, it is divided between gifted and regular. The kids in the gifted program tend to behave more democratically with each other, whereas the kids in the regular program adhere to the normal "pecking order" (talking about boys in particular.) The two DO NOT blend well at all and this is why many of the kids in the gifted program take band, so they can get out of P.E. and being integrated with the other kids (who most likely make fun of them.) As with my son, he is in the gifted program and is in P.E. Since he is not already integrated into their social order, the other kids try to force him into one usually by bullying (and it is met with resistance.) As my son says usually: there are those who like Star Wars and those who like Star Trek: peace by war or peace by diplomacy.

 

[dogman6126]

Tough age group, and I think you have more than enough rules. You need to keep your lesson simple or you will lose them. Unless they have been exposed to peer counseling on a regular basis, they will not be so quick to interact out of fear of what the others will think. This is something that you can build in time.

This program has been running for several years, this is just my first time joining the program
I do agree about keeping the lesson simple. There seems to be a fine line between too simple and too complex though because at that age, each person is at a different developmental stage, and that stage is itself....unstable. I'm just aiming to keep the attention of a majority, lol. I'm working on the background concepts, which are themselves complicated. In teaching them though, I don't intend to go over all my thoughts on the issue. I'll let them drive how deep they want to go, given the time we have.

Having them write down an answer to your question is a great idea, but I wouldn't have them keep it. Tell them you will read them out loud and to not put their name on their paper.

I thought about that, but because these kids know each other, its very likely they might still figure out who is who if I read it out loud. I want to make that end part a more personal thing, and so what I think I will do is ask the other mentors to go around at this time and talk with them individually about what they are writing about.

I'd be more than happy to ask my middle-schooler what he thinks, if you would like to pick his brain.

Oh, that is something I wish I had access to. Over time I'll get more familiar with these students and I'll be able to ask things like that though. I just gotta be patient, and make do with what I've got until then.

ETA: I'll tell you what it means to "get along with others" at this age group:

1. Be respectful.
2. Know when it is polite to interject or when to shut your trap. (This is a tough one for the logical kids and one I've had to reinforce with my son.)
3. Understand that each and every person is carrying their own burden, so be careful with your words.

I agree those last two are important...I'll think on that more, see if I can incorporate it...but I doubt I would make it a main section. I want to keep around 3 or 4 main points for getting along with others that are easy to remember.

4. Not everyone fits into what you see as a social norm. In my sons school, it is divided between gifted and regular. The kids in the gifted program tend to behave more democratically with each other, whereas the kids in the regular program adhere to the normal "pecking order" (talking about boys in particular.) The two DO NOT blend well at all and this is why many of the kids in the gifted program take band, so they can get out of P.E. and being integrated with the other kids (who most likely make fun of them.) As with my son, he is in the gifted program and is in P.E. Since he is not already integrated into their social order, the other kids try to force him into one usually by bullying (and it is met with resistance.) As my son says usually: there are those who like Star Wars and those who like Star Trek: peace by war or peace by diplomacy.

Lol, nice example. I'll have to keep thinking about this. Thanks for the advice!

 

[dogman6126]

I'm surprised there aren't more people commenting here....

One of the questions that I'm sure is going to pop up is how do you get along with someone if they won't get along with you? Basically, bullies. I've been trying to think back to when I was in middle school when I was bullied. I never found an anwer, but I'm trying to find one now. Honestly, I'm not being very successful. I think I eventually learned how to deal with it by learning how to control myself, and mainly because it naturally stops near the end of high school (at least it does at my high school).

I've been playing with the idea of control, and I'm wondering if a middle school kid could learn to deal with bullying by learning to focus entirely on how they are acting, and not think at all about the other person. I'm thinking that won't work though because that age group is so intensly focused on the attitudes of the other person/people.

Maybe I could talk about emotional control, things like focus on how to accept your anger and annoyance, and how to let it go. I'm not sure that would work either though because that age group is just starting to explore a concept of emotional control. People don't tend to figure out how to do that until early to mid high school, so that might not be a viable option for this group.

I don't want to tell them to go see an adult because that isn't a way to deal with one's problems, I know they won't want to do that, and I know that it would only be effective in the short term while making the problem worse later.

One thing that I think would work is tell them to make a friend in each class you have. If you are starting to be bullied, get up, walk away, and go sit with your friend. I honestly think this thought has the most promise, but I know there is at least one kid in this group that doesn't have a lot of friends. I'm thinking about if this is a manageable issue.


Does anyone have any further thoughts here? I welcome any discussion here. Just talking about this stuff is helping me understand it.