MBTI Gender nonconformity in my life

[Fruiteloop]

The difficulty I have when it comes to understanding who I am is really to do with whether I was conditioned to be the way I am or programmed from birth. I know its a bit of both but really when it comes to my interacting with people I do not have the sense of being a strong male character and that somehow this could be seen by others a way to cope with my inferiority. That I do not do male things in male ways or that I do not just get over my fears an man up.

You see I had this roommate for 3 years that recently died by I have such a hard time feeling anything about it because men do not process their emotions the same way a women supposedly and even if I am a weak man I still act this way, hold it all inside. But unlike most people the real issue is that I have no problems with LGBT type people yet simply cannot force myself to think of myself in that way. I am straight and my roommate was trans female. They never had any romantic or any other attraction to me or me them but we stayed together 3 years because I was helping them move out my moms home. She needed someone to babysit my adult brother because my mom has intellectual disabilities and he was a pain in the ass to her. But then my sister moved in they had problems coexisting. The least I could do was try and help my mom. Both my brother and them were being kicked out and I did not want any friction to happen because my sister had kids.

So then I noticed things about how they were and asked them questions when they were staying with me. They said they did not feel threatened by me. They were big too, 6 inches taller than me but they said they felt safe which was not the case other places they'd been. I had come to the conclusion that they were ISTP mostly because they worked on cars and not art. They could be ISFP but that harder to tell for me because my sister is ESFP and clear differences arose I could tell in Ti and Fi mixing with Se

Since they died I have had mixed feelings about them. They themselves wanted to be female and that was no problem for me but they had other mental conditions and they fought with people. One time they had an acquaintance run into my home after being stabbed and we called the ambulance for the person. So I felt anxious allot around them. The could fix many things but I always thought why not fix it the right way with new parts not broken parts found in dumpsters. They were constantly in survival mode and had trouble organizing and I was not really liking to ask them to do things my way because they were the independent type of person. Otherwise we had not problems and I stayed to myself but I did most of the things they needed me to do on their projects requiring precision. They used their phone allot to find instructions I simple could do without help. Video games were part of there hobbies, they like PlayStation and could see single pixel movements in shooter games.

Right now I have to take care of the two big dogs they left behind.
For some strange reason they told me to keep one of the dogs before they pasted away.

This picture is kind of what we were like type wise.
We we attracted to different people not each other.
They had a boyfriend that never showed up.
I was trying to get them to that place they would be happy but sometimes things do not work out as planned.

 

[rainrise]

Hi Fruiteloop, I've a ten min or so on break then came by here which I often don't anymore. I could give some dimes to share thoughtwise. Firstly, yes if they self identify as female, I think it more appropriate to relate to them as female though they do have a Y chromosome biologically. I'm relatively self aware but I was really surprised recently it took me 35 plus years to realize how geared to straightness I had been conditioned to be by school, society, family, even being aware of LGBTQ identities relatively young. I identify as bisexual but I like you have, and I'm not embarrassed to talk on it I just don't want to be misunderstood especially by those who would like to appear progressive for cultural benefit of being more inclusive or whatnot but are not...more on this in another post maybe. No I like you though I don't question my cis gender female identity at all, yet being ok with and knowing of pardonez-moi vous positivists reading I kid, my male past lives, I like you have and am questioning well maybe I really have not know myself that well aka...I'm actually really not attracted to men. I like men, could entertain marrying Gandalf or Merlin but that's about it. Even then not really is suffer emotionally. I'm very feminine though I like personal fitness and am kind of a nerd, men are attracted to me sometimes well the other day to my complete astonishment. I'd say hey you bloke I'm not anything you'd like at all, what's so good about me, look away lol. Ok back on topic, it's because I was honestly counting on hand how many males vs females I've ever liked since kindergarten lol, I liked a female every year sometimes one for years of school and now my life as is. Males...maybe 2?

 

[Fruiteloop]

Some men I do find I have a platonic attraction to but its only because of a personality trait I see in them.

There is this inhibition in men that anything that might be feelings for another man is gay.

In the show King of the Hill Hank Hill says to his father as he is dying i love you dad but then his father says what kind of man says to another man "I loves you" I am ashamed to look at you. Then Hank say ok really i don't love you all panicking and his father then stops his heart beat and plays dead.

Feelings just are a hard subject that men usually are predisposed to be tough and strong and stoic. They fight more because of it because fighting and being in control makes you stronger so anger is a more acceptable thing to do than cry tears.

Its not that women are the opposite in extreme sense where they are weak and cry all the time but feeling their feelings is more acceptable.

Some men as some women have more or less feelings and I get those sometimes. They are not acceptable in ways society has suppressed them in me and I have trouble with depression.

So I have had in a lot of situations just suppressed them around others but I do process them other men would simply reject in themselves and lash out. I do not have such a strong attachment to an identity of being strong in the manly sense where I need to prove it. I understand that in myself I am ok with feelings, they are not bad and I do not diminish others who have them.

It is because I am not rejecting them that I often have a sense how others feel as well.
But because of the less commonality of men that understand feelings that is seen as gay.
I happen to only know such things as I do because I was into girl stuff normal parents would not allow their male children to touch.

I had no problems for example watching the Disney channel with Ariel the little mermaid or keeping my toys nice instead of destroying them most times playing with them. Acting like a girl or just not being adverse to girl related items that could induce a sense of feelings was what made me how I am. I however never ware girl cloths and do not find that appealing. Pink is a good color though and I had many pink things because its cute. I had treasure box's I kept nice things in and as such observed how to take care of things. Feelings being involved its less utilitarian and more about softness. To emphasize such things as Disney's Leolo and Stich, those things I understood at a deeper level than just a movie where characters exist and you do not relate to them. Relatedness is where I believe empathy comes from. So I believe that empathy as understanding others by their feelings not just caring about them is something I have that sets me apart from other men. Its just not something most of them have experience with because of biology and culture.