Masculinity and Femininity in INFJs

Chackabuu

Chackabuu

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
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4w5 5w4
Wasn't sure where to put this so I'll throw it here. This is awkward to word, so bare with me. It might be an embarrassing topic for some.

INFJs are known to be more in touch with their masculinity and femininity than others.

Males: how have you felt femininity? How have you dealt with it? Has it impacted your life?

When I was younger I was made fun of for liking some of the more feminine things I was into, (shoujo anime and manga for example) which made me hide those things from most people. When I got older I started to care less about what others thought of me and learned to embrace it. I also had female friends that confided in me like I was one of their girl friends. And I was asked at times if I was gay, which I'm not. I guess my feminine side is to blame. ‍♂️

Females: how have you felt masculinity? How have you dealt with it? Has it impacted your life?

Anything in between: I'm interested in hearing your opinions too.
 
I'm not sure if its having masculine traits or PCOS which is an endocrine disorder in which I have too many androgens. It causes a number of masculine things to happen to me like hirsutism. I've also wondered if this is why I've been attracted to females. In relationships I generally prefer men but I am attracted sexually to females too.

Anyway, I relate to men a lot. A LOT. Idk why, but I find I have more male friends on here than female. But in real life, its too intimidating and most my friends are female. Lol
 
For me it was always something to hide from the usual types that would use that as an excuse to bully when just being different was more than enough. I was bullied a lot in school though that changed in high school but I guess that was when people started to have some fear but anyway I was even strangled by a school coach in the fourth grade so it was that bad.
 
April said:
In relationships I generally prefer men but I am attracted sexually to females too.

Anyway, I relate to men a lot. A LOT. Idk why, but I find I have more male friends on here than female. But in real life, its too intimidating and most my friends are female. Lol
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Hello yes, fellow bi female INFJ here. waves I also relate to men a lot more than ladies, and all of my closest friends are men save for one - online and off. For me, I find communicating with men to be efficient and simple, whereas with some other ladies, there's this implied competitive factor that really exhausts me. A sort of.. territorial thing that I'm not a fan of. I just want to meet people, talk, and have fun, not.. encroach on anyone's perceived people or things. Sheesh.
 
Chackabuu said:
Males: how have you felt femininity? How have you dealt with it? Has it impacted your life?
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I've always been in touch with my feminine side and have had female friends since a very young age. I think I'm fairly balanced in masculine and feminine energy, I can sorta switch modes easily. But I've always been less masculine than my male friends and less feminine than my female friends. I kind of walk a weird line there that has always made me feel a bit like an outsider. But at the same time it has allowed me to understand a wider view of things in some senses.
 
Chackabuu said:
Males: how have you felt femininity? How have you dealt with it? Has it impacted your life?
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I was raised with a very specific sense of what masculinity 'is' and 'ought to be', by a single mother who simultaneously pedestalised fantastical 'real men' and devalued actual men. Masculinity entailed ultimate responsibility, control, strength and restraint. It entailed facing danger so that others wouldn't have to, and all of that kind of thing.

By contrast, femininity was presented as something precious (as opposed to the disposability of men) while at the same time women themselves were infantalised. That is, I was taught to view women as being incapable of taking responsibility for their actions or acting maturely, but that it was becoming of me as a 'man' to tolerate this.

Deprogramming from this involved embracing emotionality, &c., but my experience of what I consider 'actual femininity' rather than anything connected to these norms is something quite different.


My experience of 'real/actual femininity' is something I'd have to describe as 'encountering my anima', which entails a sense of recognition and connection to something deeply human and personal but only really accessible directly through others with this kind of feminine energy.

For instance, I tend to be fascinated by, and deferential towards, intuitive or superstitious practices and beliefs practiced by women, like tarot, astrology, or what have you. There's something I find comforting about that kind of emotional or intuitive 'faith-based' practice. It is at once other and self, and I've been attempting to connect to this within myself since the end of 2014.

It's because I have North Node in Pisces, bruh.


Interpersonally, I tend to prefer the company of women (or at least, a particular kind of woman), and, ironically, find it harder to deal with very feminine men (not in terms of emotionality, but rather something about a non-conformity to certain codes of behaviour among men).
 
bitterfacet said:
Hello yes, fellow bi female INFJ here. waves I also relate to men a lot more than ladies, and all of my closest friends are men save for one - online and off. For me, I find communicating with men to be efficient and simple, whereas with some other ladies, there's this implied competitive factor that really exhausts me. A sort of.. territorial thing that I'm not a fan of. I just want to meet people, talk, and have fun, not.. encroach on anyone's perceived people or things. Sheesh.
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Lol, hi! I don't get this territorial vibe from most women but I have felt it with some. It puts me off, I dont like interacting with that sort either. Not interested in competing, thats not even on my mind.

I have no idea why I connect with men more than women. Maybe its my daddy issues and I'm much more vulnerable and hoping to create a connection due to having a non-emotional father?

Hell if I know. I should probably look into it. But there are many females I connect with too in real life, though.

One thing I'll say is... Im bombarded with emotion, and when combined with other's emotion it can be overwhelming. Men usually are more guarded or in control of their emotions and much less sensitive.

Not that I mean this as a bad thing, it's actually a comfort to me. I feel less bombarded. And on the other hand, when a man opens up to me and confides in me, it means more bc he's usually guarded. While with women, they are used to letting out their emotions frequently so its like... common. The women I connect with in real life besides INFPs are usually Thinkers and not Feelers.

I've changed so much over the years and I used to be that annoying girl who took everything personal and got offended at the slightest hint of negatively implied words and I might even cry and wallow in self pity.

I'm not that anymore. I can still be hurt. I can still cry and I do. But its not the same and I find myself rolling my eyes at that type now, its just drama and I have no interest in it.

I know its kinda mean, and I still care for the girls that do this. I have a few friends that do. I just don't prefer interacting with them.

And I also feel guilty that I'm generalizing here. Because its not fair. But I realize the exceptions and that just bc a person is male or female doesn't mean they will be or act any sort of way. Its just information that correlates with each other in a way that causes me to spot this type of stuff. I don't judge though.

Its nice to meet you properly though, @bitterfacet :) even though I went off on a tangent hehe
 
April said:
The women I connect with in real life besides INFPs are usually Thinkers and not Feelers
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I wanted to elaborate, and actually say that it's not true that I connect with the thinkers more. I connect with feelers but I think I feel less obligated to be my natural therapist type self lol. I actually connect more with other intuitives. There isn't much to discuss with a sensor usually, but I have met some, like my bf, who are than capable of deeper thinking its just they don't do it a much and if they do they do it in a different way. Not by connecting things together intuitively but in a logical and more practical way. I appreciate this but it can be bothersome that I have less intuitives than sensors in my actual life than my online life.
 
I find that one of the feminine traits (that isn't really a feminine trait) male INFJs have is being relationship and people-oriented.

Chackabuu said:
Females: how have you felt masculinity? How have you dealt with it? Has it impacted your life?
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I look feminine. My personality and aesthetic are androgynous.
I've never been bullied for being androgynous. My physical features read as feminine no matter how I dress. I got bullied more for being serious and for having interests others find strange. I was always called "old soul" when I was younger because I wouldn't participate in anything stupid or irresponsible, and I was focused on deep ideas, looking at the big picture, and looking to the future. Kids who want to party don't connect with people like the person I was. I have stories of being bullied, but it was never about gender. All my traumatic gendered experiences were specifically because I'm female.

I have a lot of guy friends and have trouble making friends with women, but most of my closest friends are women. The women I'm close with are a lot like I am, which I'd describe archaically as "femme tom boys".

There is a certain type of woman that hates me, practically on sight. I don't follow their rules, codes, and norms and they seethe and get catty or mean. Missiles launch from their eyeballs. Their men usually like me, which makes everything worse. I just avoid this group of people. They're not for me, nor I for them.

I usually get left out when more traditionally gendered activities happen. Guys go do guy stuff, and women do not invite me to go dress shopping or to get mani-pedis. I can feel a little left out from the latter, but I'm not bothered very much. It makes me happy when my friends have fulfilling bonding experiences.

I've been in the same relationship since I was twenty, so even though my points of view on sex and gender are very liberal, it is irrelevant. I'm a sapiosexual and a demisexual and all my attention is on my SO. I don't notice if people are "sexy". I don't care.
 
Gender roles are two layer; a constraint you put yourself under and one projected onto you by others. You can do something about the first one and liberate yourself from boxy thinking. Unfortunately your surroundings and culture will always dictate #2, whether you choose to allow the perception of others to define your inner world however is still up to you.
 
Aside from the obvious, I wouldn't know which parts of myself are masculine or feminine, as I find it largely unnecessary to impose such a behavioural dichotomy in the first place.

We don't need to gender every single aspect or function of human behaviour. This notion of a 'side' of yourself that is based in the opposite gender ultimately comes off as some overly politicised psychological construct that doesn't have much basis in reality.
 
Romance. I know it’s out of date to say that romance is a feminine thing, but growing up it’s the one thing I felt separated me from my bros. Like I said in the Bad to the Bone thread, I’d be like 13 years old and hear love songs and I envisioned feeling those feelings in songs towards girls. I “felt” the lyrics. When I seeked out to officially lose my virginity, I was the only one of my bros that secretly wanted it to be something special and not just “cool”.
 
InfernoMink said:
Romance. I know it’s out of date to say that romance is a feminine thing, but growing up it’s the one thing I felt separated me from my bros. Like I said in the Bad to the Bone thread, I’d be like 13 years old and hear love songs and I envisioned feeling those feelings in songs towards girls. I “felt” the lyrics. When I seeked out to officially lose my virginity, I was the only one of my bros that secretly wanted it to be something special and not just “cool”.
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Possibly they secretly wanted it to be special too.

Your threads are great @Chackabuu Well, I guess I'm a very feminine female
 
I don't know what it means to "feel femininity". I understand what you're saying, but I don't necessarily subscribe to anything being "feminine" or "masculine", unless we're talking about stuff like testosterone, which is objectively naturally higher in males. It's not "feminine" to cry. Most people aren't as self-accepting or philosophical as INFJs are, and if they're told that boys don't cry, that's gospel to them. Many men automatically repress their emotions, which I intuit is a rarer occurence amongst INFJs.
 
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