'Lonely by choice?'

[Esperanza]

I have been trying to find out if something like this has been posted before, but could only find a similar thread, but actually not quite to the point I wanted to get across. So I hope you won't crucify me for opening a new thread!

I've stumbled across that statement: 'loneliness is, among others, the physical absence of meaningful people around a person'

This somehow made something click inside of me. I mean, it explained the paradox I have been finding myself in again and again, over the last few months.
I've started trusting my intuitive side only this year truly, which is why I finally sorted through my circle of friends. And I have been left with one true friend.
The thing is I feel lonely from time to time since I did that, but I see no point in going back or letting people into my life whose intentions are very clear to me. And I don't mean that in a positive way. And hopefully you'll understand when I say, when you know, you simply know if something will work out or not.

So, what I am trying to ask is: What do you, fellow INFJs (mostly ), do in a situation like this? You somehow, from time to time, feel a little lonely, though knowing that it is your choice to be like that and you would have people in the vicinity who'd want to spend time with you, but you choose not to, because they are not those meaningful people you're looking for.

I know what I want and what it is I am looking for, but I never seem to cross ways with anyone fitting into that anymore. Not even close.
So do you let those other people come into your life afterall or are you rather by yourself?

I am not even sad so far about this situation, but it does make me wonder and most of all a little worried if there's anybody ever coming along who will make that specific effort. Anyone who cares in the same way and just...fits.

 

[Isis]

I've come to the point in my life where I'd rather be by myself. It's really not worth wasting energy on empty relationships anymore. I'd only end up hollow myself. I've also realized that the things I want out of meaningful relationships and the things I'm willing to do, like putting myself out there and sharing myself in a way that I would in a true friendship and relationship, might not always be compatible to make such meaningful relationships come true. It would be too naive to think that I don't have any part in it and wait for meaningful relationships to appear out of thin air.

So, in a way, I am alone and occasionally lonely by choice, but it's not out of bitterness or disillusionment. I also know that I can't expect other people to fulfill me unless I try to find that fulfillment in myself first. There might never be anybody who truly fits with me, but I know that I don't want to become depressed, desperate and bitter about it. I just want to live and enjoy my life the best I can, come what may.

 

[flower]

I think I'm alone by choice or... fear. I find it hard to trust people, even if they wouldn't harm me in any way. Somehow there still is that crying afraid little girl inside from all those bullied school years. I've had few chances to get new friends or keep in touch with the old ones, but somehow I just can't do it. ''What if I have to be disappointed again?'' etc. Silly, but can't help it. Now I just try to heal myself, those broken parts of me, so I would be whole again and then finding new friends could be more easier. Oh and I don't need many people in my life but it would be really nice to have at least 1-3 close friends.

 

[finifugal]

My advice to anyone struggling with this common INFJ problem is to stick feverishly to your life goal(s)
Nothing helps me more than my goals. I live for them alone. Those, and the goals I have for my son. Without that, I'd end it. I see no other point in life. People only serve me as reflections.

 

[Esperanza]

Thank you to all of you answering!!

I have to say, this for sure isn't a happy topic or something to forget about and apparently something pretty common within INFJs.

But: I refuse to believe that being alone is the end of that road!
I think once you go there, it turns into a self-fulfilling-prophecy.
And that's the reason why I created this thread - of course to get your opinions and honest answers, but it can't be all resignation in some form?!

I'm not saying it is easy. I know myself it isn't, otherwise I wouldn't even have to deal with stuff like this, but do you really believe in this huge world, with billions and billions of people, there's no one else who would make an effort, who is worth all the hard parts of life and society?
Goals are the best and most important thing in life, with or without friends, partners etc. They define who you are and they are the true life's purpose. As it has been said, it should never be another person that you need, to feel fulfilled and happy. So I don't think the expectations are too big to go into hibernation when it comes to other people and potential partners/friends.

It isn't easy, but isn't it worth it, to believe there will be someone sooner or later? And only in the meantime, I ask myself that question I wrote above.

 

[Gaze]

at some point, we all make choices about the kind of person and quality of life we want to have. This is affected by our friendships. We realize over a period of time that the kinds of relationships we want may not be workable with the current group of people we interact with so we make changes, and start being more selective. This is a normal part of the growing process. I've been experiencing this issue for a while where I limit who I interact with because of past hurts, and sometimes feel lonely, wishing there were more people to meet and socialize with but I don't want to have friends for the sake of just having friends. I want my relationships to be meaningful and mutually beneficial. So, I like being more selective, helps me to set boundaries and limit interactions with those would do more harm than good. At mid 30s, I feel more at ease making those choices, but it's also harder to meet new people to connect with at this point. People are generally more set in their ways and have their circle of friends figured out. Sometimes, you reconnect with old friends but your lives have grown in different directions. In any case, yes, it's sometimes necessary to be lonely by choice, but it's ok to miss having a few more people to share your experiences with. Maybe in time, you will find more quality friendships that will fill the void. Sometimes, it takes a while to find that next great or best friend, but don't rule out that it will happen. Maybe as you grow into your own and move into other environments or experiences, you will find others who are a better fit for the person you are now.

 

[Isis]

I guess I see it as a temporary cocooning process, and not giving up. Being lonely (or alone) isn't an end goal. But the cocooning allows for things to settle and figure out what is important and what is not. And it is a necessary part of life if you don't dwell in this state for too long.

There might be someone out there that could meet all the requirements, but who's to say that you meet theirs. I don't see it as something depressing, just a reality of life. I do find it comforting to think that maybe some day I will meet someone who fits, or at least several people who partially fit parts of me. And those are the people who make it worthwhile.

 

[just me]

I guess I see it as a temporary cocooning process, and not giving up. Being lonely (or alone) isn't an end goal. But the cocooning allows for things to settle and figure out what is important and what is not. And it is a necessary part of life if you don't dwell in this state for too long.

There might be someone out there that could meet all the requirements, but who's to say that you meet theirs. I don't see it as something depressing, just a reality of life. I do find it comforting to think that maybe some day I will meet someone who fits, or at least several people who partially fit parts of me. And those are the people who make it worthwhile.

You may help someone else consider things worthwhile.

 

[Delta]

I don't fit in but recognise those who are worthwhile. That has been the story of my life since pre school. Being 'with myself' rather than fitting in with a social group only became a problem in secondary school but I still did every club going because I wanted to master what was on offer. As such I have many interests which I will never let go off.

Relationships were too early a focus for me due to an overpowering drive I have felt to find a significant other. I have moved easily from one long term relationship to another until I drew a line and deliberately stayed with myself until I found my husband, which thankfully didn't take that long to occur.

All in all, I can't claim any strength of will, (strength of faith maybe) in my decision to not try to fit in, even when lonely. Now with years of being in a profession which involves meeting thousands of people in very intimate ways to help them, I have found my initial reactions were right; people can seriously fuck each other up and most interactions are meaningless unless they have a spark of life in them. Most do not. I can still love people easily but think it more worthwhile to develop oneself and remain authentic in every way possible. Loneliness is subjective.

 

[Esperanza]

I'm sorry, I got that wrong Isis! To me it didn't sound like you were talking about a phase you were going through, but rather that's how life is and remains in your opinion.

I choose to believe that I will meet all of the requirements of the right person, otherwise it wouldn't be the right person
Of course reality is different than seeing something pessimistic. Being realistic is important, but it is even more important what you believe in and how you go on from that. Even if the truth is not always pretty, it doesn't mean life is the same all the time.
And sometimes, reality is simply beautiful, only so many people seem to find only the negative when they say they are being realistic.
Not necessarily you! I am just talking in general here.

I do find it comforting to think that maybe some day I will meet someone who fits, or at least several people who partially fit parts of me. And those are the people who make it worthwhile.

No matter how, that was all I meant, when I said the answers were a bit heavy and that it isn't that bad

 

[Esperanza]

[...] I have found my initial reactions were right; people can seriously fuck each other up and most interactions are meaningless unless they have a spark of life in them. Most do not. I can still love people easily but think it more worthwhile to develop oneself and remain authentic in every way possible. Loneliness is subjective.

I am completely the same on this. And I agree with you wholeheartedly.


When I started this thread I thought long and hard about using either 'lonely' or 'alone'. They are two completely different things to me. I believe what you are talking about, Delta, is being alone. You actively choose to be by yourself, because you need that time for yourself. You would have people, social interactions that are worthwhile close to you, if you stopped wanting to be alone.

Lonely to me is not having that choice. Yeah, you can be alone and make good use of the time by yourself, but once being alone turns into lonely, it is not your choice anymore. It is something you have to cope with, something you have to live with for a time. There is no social interaction waiting for you that is worthy, there are only those people who give you nothing, who fuck you up, like you said, or those who have no meaning at all to you. The worthy people, those you long for in those moments, if they would exist in your life, you wouldn't be lonely in the first place, but alone.