[INTP] Is this the beginning of a disaster?

[qConnect]

The title is rhetorical

Good day everyone,

I am a Male INTP-T in my late 30's (1 year from the Four Zero).

I'm posting here because I'm in a bit of a pickle so to speak and while I'm not necessarily looking for advice on what I should do (I know what I must do), I would still like to hear your opinions if you were in the situation as a Female INFJ-A.

Forgive me if I came across a bit arrogant there but you'll understand why shortly.

A bit of background.

We met each other at work and we were instinctively drawn to each other. She said that she isn't used to making friends but she felt she had to with me and for me it was a bit easier because I noticed her long before she made the move.

Since then we have very slowly built a comfortable yet fascinating friendship with each other. We've shared a lot about our lives (from childhood up to now) and I even have a pet name for her which she loves. I'd be remiss to say that it is not best thing that has ever happend. We are both quirky, weird and super playful with each other.

There were a few hiccups along the way because of miscommunication but we both calmly spoke about it and the friendship has grown stronger because of it.

We both enjoy chatting with each other because the conversations are a mixture of everything from intellectual to just plain silliness and what felt like a 30 minute conversation is actually a 2.5 hour conversation (I keep track ¯\_(ツ)_/¯). These conversations are usually before we both go to sleep.

There are a lot more highlights I can add to describe the chemistry we have but for brevity sake I'll summarise that we tick a lot of the boxes that make an INTP/INFJ relationship work remarkably well together. It is difficult for either of us to go a few days without getting our "fix". Her own words were "It is never too soon".

We have met a few times already and plan to do again soon (she is pushing for the next meet). Now while I have not actively been pursuing her, I have not been passive about it either. I do occasionally push the boundary and the response is not negative.

Now comes that pickle.

I am in a loveless failed marriage. We both avoid each other and only continue living together because of financial constraints and Covid.

It is difficult for me to write this because I am fully cognizant of the situation I find myself in and the extreme moral implications that it presents. It keeps me awake that I'm hiding this from a girl that I care deeply for.

The divorce process has already begun and I do not want to come across as a "have my cake and eat it too" guy but I'd be lying if I say I don't want a romantic relationship with her.

Anyway. What would you do or think or even want if you were the girl in this situation?

 

[Wyote]

How aware is your wife of your "loveless failing marriage" ?

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Anyway. What would you do or think or even want if you were the girl in this situation?

You must tell her the truth, of course.

Everybody has the right to make informed, rational decisions about their lives, and your omission of the truth is denying her of that right.

This is not a 'pickle', this is very simple. You're simply being a coward.

 

[mintoots]

Anyway. What would you do or think or even want if you were the girl in this situation?

Which girl? Your wife or your friend?

For friend, she should know. After all those long conversations, the point where you haven't mentioned it at all is already leaving cracks on your friendship.

For wife, she probably already knows if your mention of the divorce process is true and is something she consciously takes part of too. But I think you should tell her you're interested in someone else even though "it isn't official". I'm of the opinion that the clearest views of the entire situation help best in moving on.

 

[qConnect]

How aware is your wife of your "loveless failing marriage" ?

I think I see where the confusion comes from. Failing should have been failed.

To answer your question

• The divorce process has already begun
• We both avoid each other

Short of adding a picture of the divorce papers there is not more to add. Our marriage is registered in a different country to where we live now and Covid is exasperating an already complicated process.

You must tell her the truth, of course.

Everybody has the right to make informed, rational decisions about their lives, and your omission of the truth is denying her of that right.

This is not a 'pickle', this is very simple. You're simply being a coward.

Noted.

 

[qConnect]

Which girl? Your wife or your friend?

I should have been more clear from which perspective I was looking for an opinion from. It's for the Friend.

For friend, she should know. After all those long conversations, the point where you haven't mentioned it at all is already leaving cracks on your friendship.

I suspect if any other replies are made then it will follow the same line; Tell the truth.

I enjoy the friendship a lot and don't want it to end because I explain the situation to her but I absolutely do see that it must happen because the fallout will be far worse the longer it goes on for.

Worst timing ever.

 

[Wyote]

I think I see where the confusion comes from. Failing should have been failed.

I thought that might be the case, which is why I felt it was important to clarify.
I wasn't confused or implying anything, I just wanted clarity about the situation.

As for the circumstance at hand, I'm not an INFJ woman so I can't answer entirely accurately.
But I do think the more you can separate from your ex, the easier the transition into a relationship with this new person will be.

 

[mintoots]

The telling the truth doesn't have to be a big or target event. Just mention it when the topic gets there. Try not to make it awkward and don't be elusive about it either. Are there also kids in this equation, or none so far?

 

[Asa]

in my late 30's (1 year from the Four Zero).

This explains everything.

This is all you had to write and I could have guessed one of three scenarios.

I am in a loveless failed marriage.

is one of the big three that strikes in one's forties. So, welcome to the complications of being in your forties a year early.

we tick a lot of the boxes that make an INTP/INFJ relationship work remarkably well together

This is called the Golden Pair.

Anyway. What would you do or think or even want if you were the girl in this situation?

Nobody wants to be the other woman (or person).

You're making a lot of excuses about why you and your wife still live together. If you're not sleeping on the sofa, getting separate bank accounts, actively looking for an apartment, meeting with lawyers, and making sure you're future is financially secure enough to live on your own, are you really getting divorced? If not, work on your marriage.

It's common for people in their forties to have relationship issues, whether they divorce or not, and "fall in love" with (become infatuated with) someone new. The part you don't want to hear is that the new person rarely works out. It's also common for people in their forties to engage in escapist fantasies and behave irrationally or emotionally as they grapple with the existential issues of entering middle age. I don't want you to make a mistake because feeling the thrill of new romance is fun.

That said, the early forties is an expiration date for many marriages.

So, if this is all real and you're not acting out the death throws of your youth, get the apartment as soon as possible, and then tell the INFJ you're getting divorced. Stop pushing romantic boundaries until you have this situation under control. If you aren't actively moving toward being single, tell the INFJ you're married.

It isn't fair to involve her in anything else.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

I would need to know that you gave your previous relationship the fullest measure of your soul, and that it had permanently died long before you had eyes for me. Based on your words so far, I have doubts - if you could forgive my ignorance of your life, I haven't lived it.
These things inform me of what to expect from 'us'.

Nota bene: I make mistakes, and my relationship style is abnormal. She isn't me, and may not see things how I do.
Based on type alone you're walking too close to emotional dishonesty. This is not something you can dance around.

 

[qConnect]

Thanks for all the replies thus far.

I am loathe to discuss the details of my divorce mainly because it is not the primary topic of this thread and I'm not here to turn you all into marriage counsellors. While your questions to the authenticity of my posts are not unfounded it is still sad that there are doubts and I gain absolutely nothing from lying.

So let me be as succinct as possible.

Our divorce is complicated because we're not living in the country we were married in. This means both our lawyers need to communicate with each other and the lawyers in our registered country and those then need to communicate with the civil authority (who are infamously slow). The theoretical quickest process is 6 months but Covid is putting a massive delay on things as well as making it costly! The only saving grace is that we have no children (an answer to your question, @mintoots)

The divorce has been a long time coming and while most divorces can be downright hostile with one or both parties trying to hurt the other whether financially, emotionally or both, this is not the case here. Trying to punish each other helps nothing and we both want this to be over asap.

I've been preparing for this all year.

The exact words she said when the process began.

 

[Asa]

While your questions to the authenticity of my posts are not unfounded it is still sad that there are doubts and I gain absolutely nothing from lying.

All your feelings are authentic. I'm just warning you, as a fifty year old who has peer-counseled dozens of forty-somethings and witnessed the actions of dozens more, that for most people being in one's forties is a @#$%^ storm of some kind when all kinds of new ideas, emotions, and behaviors crop up. Divorces and new romances are two of the biggest themes. Get the apartment before you involve the INFJ in any of your drama. It isn't fair to involve her in your "living with your soon to be ex" situation.

 

[wolly.green]

Wait, did you meet this chick online? It this normal? Sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive. I'm just curious.

 

[mintoots]

All your feelings are authentic. I'm just warning you, as a fifty year old who has peer-counseled dozens of forty-somethings and witnessed the actions of dozens more, that for most people being in one's forties is a @#$%^ storm of some kind when all kinds of new ideas, emotions, and behaviors crop up. Divorces and new romances are two of the biggest themes. Get the apartment before you involve the INFJ in any of your drama. It isn't fair to involve her in your "living with your soon to be ex" situation.

What about single people in their forties? (Oops sorry, thread derailed)

 

[Asa]

What about single people in their forties? (Oops sorry, thread derailed)

Not every crisis is relationship-oriented, even for married people.

 

[mintoots]

Not every crisis is relationship-oriented, even for married people.

It's the menopause, isn't it? I'm hitting this age soon enough. I should prepare.

 

[Asa]

It's the menopause, isn't it? I'm hitting this age soon enough. I should prepare.

Hahaha! Why isn't this in orange? Everyone is different, but you have plenty of time. That's usually in your mid–late fifties.
No, people go through a second adolescence in their forties for a number of reasons, and many things come to a close for various reasons. (The second adolescence part is really annoying. LOL!) People make big changes and also big mistakes, so I wanted to make sure qConnect was the former, not the latter.

 

[mintoots]

Hahaha! Why isn't this in orange? Everyone is different, but you have plenty of time. That's usually in your mid–late fifties.
No, people go through a second adolescence in their forties for a number of reasons, and many things come to a close for various reasons. (The second adolescence part is really annoying. LOL!) People make big changes and also big mistakes, so I wanted to make sure qConnect was the former, not the latter.

Whatever it is that's going wrong in his life, I hope qConnect won't ever decide to get hair bangs (fringes).

 

[Asa]

@qConnect - Don't get a fringe. Just the divorce.

I don't know why people hate bangs. Bettie Page looked slammin' with them.

 

[mintoots]

@qConnect - Don't get a fringe. Just the divorce.

I don't know why people hate bangs. Bettie Page looked slammin' with them.

Not all faces were made for bangs, most definitely not all noses.