[INFP] - Is there hope in this heartbreaking INFP-INFJ lovestory? | INFJ Forum

[INFP] Is there hope in this heartbreaking INFP-INFJ lovestory?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by UndercoverINFP, Sep 15, 2019.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 5 users.
More threads by UndercoverINFP
  1. UndercoverINFP

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    433
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Dear souls,

    This is my story and I'm looking for advice from you, whether you are an INFJ or anything else. I know it's crazy, but the girl we're talking about has been on my mind continuously for the last four weeks. I really feel like a piece of me is missing and I can't get it out of my mind.

    The story starts in December. I was in a foreign country, to visit an event as a journalist and there she was sitting at the media desk, working to help journalists and reporters like me. After 5 days I finally had some courage to step up to her and go for 'small talk' but with both INFJ (her) and INFP (me) being horrible at first encounters, it was awkwardly fun.

    At the end of the event I said her goodbye and it was sad. I thought we would never meet again. I didn't even know her (full) name, did not have number. Then my friend, in the car driving home, said to mail her on the general email address she gave me when I asked her if she could print out a ticket. I did and I think within one hour I had a friend request on Facebook. :)

    We started talking on Facebook and we really hit it off. We were talking about a lot of things, about our lives, our passions, sharing pictures. It was a super great time. I asked if she'd liked to swap christmas presents in a box and we did.

    However, I was just involved in some messy incident in which I accidentally made a girl fall in love with because I didn't make it clear I wasn't interested. At the time I was at the end of a crush with another girI. I knew that this girl was not meant for me cognitively, but my heart was still attached to her. I didn't want to cause her heartbreak so I told her that we should be just friends, even though we like each other a lot.

    In the next couple of months I slowly got this other girl out of my head while I kept talking to my new-found friend. She was very into me and later she said that she felt like she found a soulmate and that we belonged together. I really liked her too and appreciated her depth, kindness but I think at this time it's safe to say she liked me more than I liked her. I was also talking to another girl I met through an app where you throw bottles to people with messages to meet people from around the world digitally. I had met her already almost a year ago in this app and we always had fun and she said she wanted to visit Western Europe. At the time I really felt stuck in my life and this holiday seemed something fun so we went on a trip together. With this trip I didn't know what to expect but with this girl, we stayed friends. I also told my INFJ friend that I went on holiday with a girl I met through an app. Later (some weeks ago) she told me that this moment she felt like she was one in many girls and that she wasn't sure if we were friends or lovers, and that she was okay with this (but she mentioned it so it must have hurt her a bit, would be my guess :()

    In the meanwhile, we were still talking and sharing stories although the intensity was a bit lower. We were just very good friends. This was in April. After the trip with this other girl I just felt I left my INFP cocoon a bit. I always had trouble meeting with girls but knowing that I can spend a holiday together and just have fun (in a platonic way) was such a good feelilng for me. In the next weeks our contact intensified. We sent each other audio messages of 20-30 minutes of our thoughts, how the day was, etc. We were just inseparable. At times, we texted until 1.30 in the morning. I was there always for her when she needed me, and the other way around. I completely gave her my heart and she took it. It was an amazing experience. Whenever she was somewhere, she showed me. I knew her every thoughts all the time. She went to a lot of different places and any time she had a moment of time or rest, she would be talking to me. It was really pure bliss and I started to fall in love with her in this period I think. She made me feel so safe.

    Later she told me she really enjoyed this period but somehow she thought that this would be everything there would be for us. I think mostly because she was still thinking about how I went on this trip with another girl and I think she really would have wanted to be that person. And also, of course we don't live in the same country which is no problem for me at all but could have played a role in this decision.

    But yeah, we talked throughout the day and never missed anything of each other.

    At one point, I think this was in July, she went to go on holiday with a male friend. We texted less, obviously, especially during the day, but she was always there during the evening and when I asked who she went on holiday with, she said it was just a friend.

    We kept talking a lot and I asked her if she wanted to meet me on a trip. I think I said this in June. She said she'd love it and we set up to meet at the end of August because she had already a lot of things planned but wanted to see me too. We were still talking a lot and it was great as ever. At the start of August, however, she started to talk a bit less to me and the audios stopped. I didn't think nothing weird of it because I knew we would meet soon after, but also she was going to move to a different country at the same time, for 4 months, so she was very busy saying goodbye to everyone, I thought.

    Then one week before our trip I received the message, on a Monday morning 7.30 that she had fallen in love with someone. After the trip with her friend, she started missing him and they started meeting and then she fell in love. She said she felt shaky and had to think about it for a long time but wanted to give me the opportunity to think about the trip. She said she wasn't sure if I thought we were more than friends and she felt like she wanted to send the message.

    I felt super betrayed by her and lashed out to her. How could she do this when we were supposed to meet? We liked each other, why couldn't she wait for it? I felt like stabbed in the bad by my best buddy. It was horrible and I said some pretty bad words. Later I asked her if she was sure about him. I told her I loved her but only after I hurt her a lot by making accusations which made her think I was enforcing love with her.

    It was the most horrible period in a long time for me and for her. In our scarce messages she said that my messages made her feel physically sick. On the other hand, I felt like half of my heart had disappeared. She was my best friend, my best buddy. We shared tears and laughter and were always there for each other. She was the most important person to me in the world, but somehow she thought, because of this other trip, that I thought we would never be more than friends, even though she knew we were soulmates. I already saw us walking hand in hand, discovering the world, long nights on the beach and just being happy with each other. Somehow I gave her a feeling of not being loved enough and I am not sure if I can forgive myself for this :(

    Only later, I think it took me a week, I realized that the bad feelings towards her were completely unjustified. I accused her of stabbing me in the back, of using our friendship just so she could feel better, and other things. The next couple of days I tried to send her some messages but she was super scared and defensive of me. My words had really hurt her... Yesterday, I sent her an apology in the form of a 45-minute audio, telling her my perspective, apologizing, making some jokes like the old days. It was bittersweet. In the last weeks she became scared of me, she told me. She listened to the audio message and said she cried, smiled, cried, smiled, etc. She thanked me for it and told me how much the last few weeks had hurt her, and my words too, but that's she is just happy that it ended. She said she needed some time but would send me a reply in the next couple of days.

    After 5 days I asked her how she was. She said she was very busy (this whole new country thing was very taxing on her) and also said she couldn't process my apology yet, it hadn't landed yet and she still had an anxious/scary feeling and asked for more time. At this time I was just so completely broken and devastated by everything that I wanted to leave everything behind and forget her. I just couldn't wait for this reply because I still loved her soooooo much and waiting days in agony, I just couldn't even imagine of me having to pull through these days. I spent my time thinking about the past, about what we were, beating myself up for fucking everything up so much and being angry at her. I was rock-bottom and couldn't imagine myself more days of waiting for her message. So I told her that we had to say goodbye. I thanked her for the time we had spent together and knowing her but that everything hurts me too much. The message gave a relief for around 1 hour. The next day I regretted so much what I said and I knew it would make her super sad. So I texted her a message that this goodbye was not goodbye forever, but just a temporary one. I just loved her too much and had to learn how to let her go but that I wanted to be friends again. She replied she wanted to take a break from all of this for the feeling to go away. This was on Tuesday.

    I am so sad that this had to happen and I am only super ashamed of how I handled all of this.

    The truth is, I still love her so much. Every moment of the day I am thinking about her. She means the world to me and it rips a piece of my soul that she chose for someone else. All I ever wanted was her to be happy and look where we are now. If she only knew how much she really meant to me, if I could only have her realize that I wanted nothing more than to meet her and hug her so tightly... We were such a dreamteam, always there for one another. And now, we made each other so sad...

    I still wish we could be together. My question to you, INFJs, is: do you think there is a chance she will change her mind in the next weeks, thinking about everything that happened between us while being a bit more calm and having a bit more space (she lives in a new country for 4 months)? If you picture yourself in her situation, do you see any scenario where she would give me a chance or is it game over for me? (I have the chance to visit her in 4 weeks since I will visit her country, but I will wait with asking until much later). Is there any chance I can get to her?

    Thank you so much for your answers and questions. And please don't take these questions the wrong way. She will mean something to me, no matter what. If it turns out she just wants to be friends, I will be there for her. My loyalty to her is bigger than this incident and always has been. On the other hand, I just know how much of an amazing team we'd form and deep down she knows this too... :(
     
  2. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    7,778
    Likes Received:
    27,550
    Trophy Points:
    2,877
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    If I were you I would focus on fitness, finances, and fun. Once you've attained enough success, you'll find a better option.

    Don't text her constantly, think about her constantly, etc. Count reps and count stacks.

    Women will always be there, opportunities for success will not.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #2 Pin, Sep 15, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2019
  3. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    133
    Messages:
    12,764
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,534
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    I think it would be very difficult to establish something romantic with someone who scared you. And you said she told you that she was scared a few times. I think you can love someone from afar and let them go. If you really love and care for her let her go and wish her well. Respect her choice.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    ClevelandINTP, Asa, Pin and 2 others like this.
  4. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    7,778
    Likes Received:
    27,550
    Trophy Points:
    2,877
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    Seriously OP, there is nothing to be gained from obsessing over women.

    It's unhealthy.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    75
    Messages:
    4,709
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    24,923
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @UndercoverINFP - What a heart wrenching story, but I think you need to let go.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze and ClevelandINTP like this.
  6. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,218
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1,813
    Trophy Points:
    1,077
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    7, 4, 8 and2
    Let it go, man. It sucks. Should have went for the kill early on instead of letting it drag. It happens

    Not sure INFJs will like hearing this, but they can be like scared cats sometimes in my experience

    One little thing, and that’s about it. I’ve been there with them. Then it takes heavens and earth to move it back to a neutral position over something nominally silly. And on top of that, it’s usually not water under the bridge

    It’s exhausting and a p.i.t.a.

    I know INFJs feel overwhelmed by things and they give their all and all, but if they honestly knew how their reactions to these things are so much the same and more, I think there’d be more peace with them
     
  7. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,218
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1,813
    Trophy Points:
    1,077
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    7, 4, 8 and2
    Don’t be friends with someone you don’t want to be just friends with
     
    sassafras, Asa and acd like this.
  8. OP
    UndercoverINFP

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    433
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Thanks so much for your answer (and also to others). I value all the input (and the ones that are to come).

    I guess it's an INFP thing but I want to be friends with her even though it will be super hard. I want to see girls as persons and friends first (yes, I'm horrible with these dating things). And I think leaving her would make it look like I never wanted to be friends in the first place and only used her to get a relation. And I want to think I'm more than that. But at the same time, I just can't imagine us being normal friends right now, just too much has happened and she's also focusing on her new life. But at the moment I just want to hug her and be together, which is not letting go at all. Add to this that perhaps (unconsciously) one of the reasons I want to be friends is just to be together or potentially not miss out of a 'miracle' conciliation. I understand I am making it horribly hard for myself, but I just don't know what 'letting go means' in my context. I overcomplicate things.

    Thanks again for all the replies @ClevelandINTP @Asa @Pin :)
     
    Pin and acd like this.
  9. OP
    UndercoverINFP

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    433
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    @acd also thank you (forgot to mention you!)
     
    acd likes this.
  10. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    1,218
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1,813
    Trophy Points:
    1,077
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    7, 4, 8 and2
    That’s fine to treat people like humans. It’s not a misogynistic thing to do right by yourself first. I don’t think it comes across anymore than it is what it is. You liked her, built rapport, wanted more. If you want to be more than friends and she doesn’t, then just move on. You’d be surprised at how little you’re missing
     
  11. OP
    UndercoverINFP

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    433
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Yeah that makes sense. Although I just was happy to meet a friend who could give me a glimpse in her soul and life as well. Building rapport is perhaps a bit mechanical but I see what you mean. But yeah I have to put myself first and later I can see if we can be friends again. I owe it to myself. Thank you.
     
    ClevelandINTP likes this.
  12. ENFPJohn

    ENFPJohn Newbie

    Joined:
    Tuesday
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    433
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    ENFP
    Where there is life there is always hope.
     
    UndercoverINFP likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page