Is the No Contact game ever justified? | INFJ Forum

Is the No Contact game ever justified?

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Ghoulia Yelps, Dec 4, 2015.

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  1. Ghoulia Yelps

    Ghoulia Yelps Community Member

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    Have you ever played this mind game with an ex, or had it played on you?
    Do you think that it is ever justifiable to try to turn a person crazy to get revenge or the upper hand on them?
    Is playing this game with a genuine narcissist just going to drive thrm over the edge and put you at risk, or do you really believe you are protecting yourself?
    Have you had this game played on you, if so how did it make you feel?
    Is it possible to use this tack to win back an ex, or is it simply a form of revenge?


     
  2. PintoBean

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    I'm not aware that it is a game. I cut off all contact with a member of my family who was extremely abusive to me. It is really not a game actually the more I consider your post. It is an action of last resort taken after terrible pain and emotional turmoil. With regards to going no contact (NC) with a narcissist, it usually works really well. They will generally disappear from your life either very quickly (if they are the ignoring type), or somewhat quickly after some perusing and stalking type behaviors (if they are the engulfing type). NC with narcissists works because it cuts of their source of narcissistic supply. They are pragmatic creatures and will just move on and find new sources, showing you that you were a replaceable commodity all along. And yes, I believe I am protecting myself from dealing with manipulation, lies, ,malicious gossip, verbal attacks and memories of severe abuse. Ignoring/denying (playing hard to get) is I guess in the bag of tricks people use to try to make themselves more alluring to someone (either an ex or a new prospect). I personally find this tactic repugnant and dishonest. Is it revenge? No, like I said, I truly consider it a protective measure.
     
  3. La Sagna

    La Sagna I did it! I'm a butterfly!

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    If it's done because of a game or a form of revenge, then it's an unhealthy behaviour. However, if it's done to protect one's self from harm then it is very much justifiable.
     
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  4. Elegant Winter

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    Why play mind games at all?
     
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  5. CindyLou

    CindyLou Get over it

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    I agree with the second half. The first half I do not.

    The silent treatment or no contact used as a form of punishment is abuse. It's not unhealthy behavior. You're abusing someone.
     
  6. CindyLou

    CindyLou Get over it

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    OH

    It helps to read the original post.

    If you're playing this game with a narcissist it's not really a game is it? It's the best thing to do. They need you to respond. If you don't, they will find someone who will. Because they need it. So don't respond to them.

    I've been there. I'd say how I felt, but I don't wanna go back and think about it and feel it all again. My responses to threads like this get choppy and not well thought out because I really don't like to think about these things. If anyone is thinking about getting away from someone toxic, the best thing for you to do is to cut contact and you can be like me, not wasting time and energy thinking about narcissists and psychos.
     
  7. OP
    Ghoulia Yelps

    Ghoulia Yelps Community Member

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    You are correct. But it should only be used as a last resort, not as "sport".
    If you have an abusive partner, that is the only time it should really be used, and even then with care as it extremely provocative and might cause you to be physically attacked.
    However, because there are so many blogs and "game" stuff online, now it tends to get misused as a weapon or to control and manipulate a former partner who is not abusive, for revenge.
    There is a good page about it here.
    http://n-continuum.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html (I'm adding this link just to show you how unfunny this kind of behaviour is, you may not relate to all of it but it gives you a good idea)
     
  8. youhemmein

    youhemmein awkward turtle
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    Games are dumb. Be genuine. Relationships should never be a power struggle, so there's no need for games.
     
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  9. OP
    Ghoulia Yelps

    Ghoulia Yelps Community Member

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    To give a bit of context to my post, someone played this game on me, not because I was dangerous or psychotic, but to get revenge. I think he got the idea from blogs about "game", and took the wrong advice. There is a lot of stuff out there about how to manipulate an ex into coming back, a lot of it is just mind games and gas lighting. If you play this game, trust me, your ex is never going to come back. You are more likely to drive her into depression and make her suffer from panic attacks. Some of the things this person did was get me barred from places where he had mates working, threatened to go to the police about me "stalking " him ( it was actually him doing the stalking) spread untrue or very distorted gossip about me, bar me from facebook ( all his mates did this as well, so they could talk about me without me seeing it) and even sent a night club bouncer to my house to threaten me.
    I still have not been able to make any sense of why he thought this was a good idea, all it's done is make me very wary of getting involved with anybody again. And thus guy was not even my boyfriend, he was just someone who I considered a very close friend and who I trusted. If he had been a lover, I think it could have ended up being much, much worse.
     
  10. apemon

    apemon Permanent Fixture

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    You're probably better off, but that's a hell of a way to go about it. :noidea:
     
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  11. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter
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    There are a lot of scenarios in which going NC is absolutely necessary. I have an ex that I refuse to make contact with despite their repeated attempts to get a hold of me. This person was a liar, a manipulator and an abuser. I don't call it a game to block them from my life across every avenue possible - I call it protecting myself from their bullshit.

    If your relationship with a person is completely over I am not sure why it would be considered a game to simply not speak to them anymore. If one party needs to go NC in order to move on and heal then I don't really call that a game. Sometimes when couple break up and stay in contact it blurs too many lines and creates more angst and upset than simply severing ties.
     
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  12. OP
    Ghoulia Yelps

    Ghoulia Yelps Community Member

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    The difference with my scenario is that we were not a couple. We had never had sex, slept together or even dated. He was influenced by stuff from the Internet and used me as an experiment. I lost a lot of people I considered friends because of it, because he pain
     
  13. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter
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    Sounds like No Contact is the way go to in this scenario and this guy is a loser.
     
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  14. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    What you describe doesn't sound like no contact being played. It sounds more like paranoia on his part.
     
  15. OP
    Ghoulia Yelps

    Ghoulia Yelps Community Member

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    It would seem that way, and I've tried to make sense of why he did what he did, but there really isn't any logic to it. I understand the way No Contact was conceived, to protect yourself from an abusive or narcissistic partner. However, the abusive, narcissi people know enough about this tactic now to be able to coopt it for their own gain. To them, it's become a mind game meant to destroy a persons reputation, lose them friends and drive them mad. The rationale is that the target will come crawling back and apologise to them for the misery they have caused in their life, when really it's the other way round. Imagine what happens if you are genuinely being stalked by a crazy ex, and try to get a restraining order, only to find out they have applied for a restraining order against you!! It absolves them of blame and makes them appear to be the victim.
     
  16. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    Not as a game. Primarily as a defense tactics. Sometimes engagement of ANY KIND (positive or negative) is bad. Sometimes giving distance and silence is the best way to proceed without provoking any reactions from the target.

    And I guess this is where it differs? Having no contact to avoid causing reactions vs having no contact to provoke reactions from the target...

    Hngh. Since when vengeance and/or dominance knows justification? They make one, but it's...a mental leap of some sort.
    I -can- imagine several reasons, but it just feels like empty justification-- and the root is still the same. Power play.

    It's going to be both.
    A narcissist does not like losing control and if you do not engage them, then you cannot control them. (Trust me on this.)
    But that does not mean cutting all contact must not be done. If remaining in contact chisels your sanity and emotional well-being, DON'T.
    Not only is it self-destructive; but what sort of relationship can be built under those feelings?

    And as an addendum, the same thing can happen to insecure people for a different reason--
    An insecure person will quickly go over the edge when contact is cut; due to paranoia and self-loathing (Again, trust me on this.)
    But it's still the same. If it drains you, do so.

    I have not, as a game.

    I can see cases where it is possible to do this as an attempt to win back someone. (It requires a certain insecurity in the target).
    But even then it's not going to be a genuine affection.
     
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