Introverts: Attentiveness from partners?

[Gaze]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner? How much is too little or too much? Does it depend on the type of attention? Do you see a difference in the type of attention you get from an introvert vs extrovert partner? For you, what is positive or wanted vs. negative or unwanted attention?

Extroverts feel free to answer to this if you have or have had introverted partners.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner? How much is too little or too much? Does it depend on the type of attention? Do you see a difference in the type of attention you get from an introvert vs extrovert partner? For you, what is positive or wanted vs. negative or unwanted attention?

Extroverts feel free to answer to this if you have or have had introverted partners.

Introvert here. I've been single for ages, so I'm using my incredible powers of memory here.

Was with an Extrovert - probably ENTJ, but very smart. I really liked intimacy, but the constant need for 'activity' was a bit annoying.

E.g. Weekend comes, 'we're going to the seaside! Get up!'

I mean, sometimes I need a weekend to myself.

 

[Wyote]

I mean, sometimes I need a weekend to myself.

Don't lie, it's every weekend

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Don't lie, it's every weekend

Sorry I was pretending to be normal.

 

[Wyote]

Sorry I was pretending to be normal.

Lolol good try, good try

 

[JennyDaniella]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner? How much is too little or too much? Does it depend on the type of attention? Do you see a difference in the type of attention you get from an introvert vs extrovert partner? For you, what is positive or wanted vs. negative or unwanted attention?

Extroverts feel free to answer to this if you have or have had introverted partners.

Oh boy.

I love affection and intimacy, I don't mind that whatsoever. But there are moments or days when I need some time for seclusion and stay at home, watch movies in my pajamas, and be a total hermit. My ex was an ESFP, and he absolutely loved parties, being out all the time, always wanted to be around other people, etc, etc. He was extreeeemely extroverted.

He and I were long-distance, and I remember whenever I visited him, he would always suggest going out to this and that---which I didn't mind! We did various outside activities and it was fun, but it would get exhausting sometimes. There were days when I just wanted to stay at home and cuddle lol---and some moments when I absolutely needed my alone time to read a book in a room by myself or go for a walk alone. Luckily, he was alright on giving me some time for myself, but other times he would get a bit frustrated.

 

[Gaze]

How about introverted partners? Do you generally feel you get enough attention from an introvert? It seems introverts can sometimes neglect their partner's need for attention because they are both busy being introverted.

 

[Wyote]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner?

Do you generally feel you get enough attention from an introvert?

I think for me personally, the trade off is adaquate. Sometimes it feels really good to be showered by the praise of an extrovert, in a way that an introvert very seldom if ever is capable of doing.
But if I really am craving such a thing, it need not be in an intimate capacity. For me, partners are there for intimate moments, which are very largely more subdued interactions for me.
I think for people who have a strong desire for a more extroverted type of intimacy, they will require a more extroverted type of partner, or at least one who is willing to participate intimately in that sort of capacity. It's the type of attention that a person gets while intimate that is important, I think. For me, an introvert being generally introvert-y intimately is right where I'm at and what I like, so an introverted partner gives me all of what I need, generally speaking.

It's a complex topic, and I think a lot of people don't understand their own needs as far as intimacy goes, and on top of that it's impossible to really know where a potential partner really falls on these sorts of lines of things, which I think creates a lot of relationship problems if people aren't willing to be bold with both conversing with one another and also at play.

 

[Asa]

I was replying to this question:
"How about introverted partners? Do you generally feel you get enough attention from an introvert? It seems introverts can sometimes neglect their partner's need for attention because they are both busy being introverted."


I think we have a good balance in my introvert/introvert relationship. It would drive me nuts to have the kind of attention and presence some extroverts give.
I do need mental connection and communication to feel loved and connected to someone, but that isn't an issue between two introverts with similar stacks, who feel very comfortable together.

 

[noisebloom]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner? How much is too little or too much? Does it depend on the type of attention? Do you see a difference in the type of attention you get from an introvert vs extrovert partner? For you, what is positive or wanted vs. negative or unwanted attention?

I've never had an issue with getting too little attention in a relationship. Once I'm in a relationship and can feel the connection, I'll like to spend time with them, but I don't always need to be getting attention, e.g. I love the "together alone" activities like reading, or I like playing a board game in which the focus isn't necessarily on either person.

I feel claustrophobic when I'm with extroverts, a lot of the time. It's hard for me to feel independent when I'm expected to go out a lot and be engaged with someone to such a draining extent.

 

[Asa]

I've never had an issue with getting too little attention in a relationship. Once I'm in a relationship and can feel the connection, I'll like to spend time with them, but I don't always need to be getting attention, e.g. I love the "together alone" activities like reading, or I like playing a board game in which the focus isn't necessarily on either person.

I feel claustrophobic when I'm with extroverts, a lot of the time. It's hard for me to feel independent when I'm expected to go out a lot and be engaged with someone to such a draining extent.

Yes, this!

 

[John K]

Introverts: How much attention do you want or need from your partner? How much is too little or too much? Does it depend on the type of attention? Do you see a difference in the type of attention you get from an introvert vs extrovert partner? For you, what is positive or wanted vs. negative or unwanted attention?

Extroverts feel free to answer to this if you have or have had introverted partners.

My wife and I are celebrating our sapphire wedding anniversary today. We are both introverts (she's probably intj) and we've been delighted to be on our own all day! Got up a bit late, pottered into town for a coffee, had a good lunch at a smart restaurant, spent the rest of the day mooching about at home doing our own thing. We chat a bit, then wander off on our own, then watch a film, then wander off a bit more, read a bit. No pressure or expectation, except which film to watch. We are lucky in that we both like the same sort of places and activities (and lack of activities !). Being with her is being on my own in company, and I'm sure she finds the same. There are problems - neither of us makes friends easily and if one of us were more extravert that would be less of an issue. I need more affirmation and contact with other people than she does, and I need practical and emotional support when my wife is unwell (she needs constant medication for chronic anxiety) - but experience has taught me to be cautious because there is a very narrow gap between too little and too much for us and it's not always easy to control.

Can't say it's the only way to do it, but it's worked for us through all the ups and downs of life. I don't think I could have coped with an extraverted partner - I'd have probably gone into please-you mode until I imploded.

 

[John K]

Sorry I was pretending to be normal.

That IS normal :lol:

 

[Wyote]

My wife and I are celebrating our sapphire wedding anniversary today. We are both introverts (she's probably intj) and we've been delighted to be on our own all day! Got up a bit late, pottered into town for a coffee, had a good lunch at a smart restaurant, spent the rest of the day mooching about at home doing our own thing. We chat a bit, then wander off on our own, then watch a film, then wander off a bit more, read a bit. No pressure or expectation, except which film to watch. We are lucky in that we both like the same sort of places and activities (and lack of activities !). Being with her is being on my own in company, and I'm sure she finds the same. There are problems - neither of us makes friends easily and if one of us were more extravert that would be less of an issue. I need more affirmation and contact with other people than she does, and I need practical and emotional support when my wife is unwell (she needs constant medication for chronic anxiety) - but experience has taught me to be cautious because there is a very narrow gap between too little and too much for us and it's not always easy to control.

Can't say it's the only way to do it, but it's worked for us through all the ups and downs of life. I don't think I could have coped with an extraverted partner - I'd have probably gone into please-you mode until I imploded.

All of this just makes me very happy thank you for sharing, I relate to it a lot

 

[Wyote]

I feel claustrophobic when I'm with extroverts, a lot of the time.

I didn't want to say this, but it was one of my immediate thoughts.
I think in reality though, there are a lot of extroverts who would appreciate the intimacy that an introvert has to offer, and vice versa.
It's just a matter of getting on the same page with personal needs and making sure you are both at the same level.
I think it can work, but it may just take more work up front. Whereas two introverts may have it too easy up front and not be able to work through later challenges.
It always just goes back to communication, really.

 

[Lady Jolanda]

My wife and I are celebrating our sapphire wedding anniversary today. We are both introverts (she's probably intj) and we've been delighted to be on our own all day! Got up a bit late, pottered into town for a coffee, had a good lunch at a smart restaurant, spent the rest of the day mooching about at home doing our own thing. We chat a bit, then wander off on our own, then watch a film, then wander off a bit more, read a bit. No pressure or expectation, except which film to watch. We are lucky in that we both like the same sort of places and activities (and lack of activities !). Being with her is being on my own in company, and I'm sure she finds the same.

Congratulations John on your wedding anniversary! Reading how happy and comfortable (!) you two are together makes me all happy and fuzzy inside. Also, your day sounds like heaven.

I feel claustrophobic when I'm with extroverts, a lot of the time. It's hard for me to feel independent when I'm expected to go out a lot and be engaged with someone to such a draining extent.

Claustrophobic? Curious. Can you please elaborate?

 

[Infjente]

If I had to hang out with someone for a little while even though I didn't feel like it, and my options were an introvert or an extrovert - I'd go for the introvert. Less effort.

Now if it was for a longer period, I'd go for the extrovert. I find that their company over all provides me with more energy than they take. With an introvert, conversations etc has a tendency to go deeper, but my head is already doing that, and often I take on an extroverted role to create balance. Once in awhile, it's great, but with extroverts there's this natural dynamic where I don't have to compensate as much for the sake of harmony (that I very much need over longer periods of time), and it's easier to be my natural self.

 

[noisebloom]

Claustrophobic? Curious. Can you please elaborate?

(runs away)

 

[John K]

Congratulations John on your wedding anniversary! Reading how happy and comfortable (!) you two are together makes me all happy and fuzzy inside. Also, your day sounds like heaven.

:thankyouhug:

 

[Lady Jolanda]

(runs away)

Oops.

:smilehug2: