INTP-INFJ Relationship Help

[paradoxoid]

Hello everyone,

I would like to ask for INTPs and INFJs to write suggestions on the following "issues".

First off,I am sort of new to this,so please excuse me,I wasn't trying to generalize INFJ's or disrespect them in any form.

I have an INFJ partner ,whom I love dearly ,however i think I am a bit ,well not mature enough and i would like to develop myself.

My issue is with ,when he gets very emotional about something,let's say we have a walk , we have a small disagreement over something really trivial.Something trivial to me anyway,but of course INFJ's being perfectionists and so closely attached to their feelings ,not too many situations seem trivial to them.
Then he stops talking to me and i feel there is nothing i could do to change his mind or make him happy again.

Which makes me feel weak and sad ,but at the same time this comes across as cocky or arrogant.
Based on face expression and and body language.
Either this,or simply that i am not present,not interested in fixing the situation.

He does understand that this isn't the case ,most of the time ,but at the same time,he has to have his 5 minutes.

As i Understand INTPs are slow to understand their partner's personal or emotional needs.
Which unfortunately I am...

Once ,he mentioned to me that i would never go and change the situation myself ,which surprised me really.
I thought or felt ,there is nothing i could say or do ,to change this ,only when i wait out this 5 minutes and then everything is back to normal.

In the meantime,I also realized,i made the great mistake of giving not very warm critiques to my partner.
This in case,I thought (stupidly) ,in case he can give me blunt critiques ,so can I.
However,this isn't the case and life isn't also about tit for tat.

As my partner is an INFJ ,they have a way harder time with critiques and take it even more personally then INTPs would.

He also bottles it up ,i think or it effects him emotionally more ,on the long run.

Which to me ,after a while,i thought i could just simply tell him things,without being extremely emotional ,in a way,also to "save time".
Since, theoretically ,if we know each other and he is aware ,I don't have any bad intentions or negative feelings towards him.
I accepted him as my partner,then i could just simply rationally say things without emotion really.

Which again is very intp like, cold logic ,against the feeling type... :/

also,my partner is somewhat against me labeling him a an INFJ..
He thinks ,I am putting him into a box, this is because he thinks ,life is always changing.
While,he agreed with many things regarding his personality , still it's somewhat offensive to him,to "put him in a box"...



So in any case,please if You have some time, try to chime in with suggestions because I am really in need of developing myself.
My partner is really important to me and i would like to be the best possible version of me,next to him .

 

[Elis]

Does anything get resolved after the 5 minute breaks, or do you two just push it away and ignore it?

If it is all very minor things, then it could be some completely different issue. I don't want to make any conclusion, but it could be that he feels like you don't understand him - If so I think talking about it would be very helpful. (I think talking can resolve most issues).

If he has already decided that he don't think you will understand him, then it might be harder.


I really don't know though, just my take on it.

Also, don't read too much into MBTI. It might be good to some extent, but it's just a concept, and we're all individuals.

 

[paradoxoid]

Hm,that's a good question.
I think it depends on certain topics really.

Maybe ,he might feel i don't understand him completely. Yes i also remember ,him mentioning once that i don't understand him.
I think i do though ,but at the same time,since we are two different people ,there is a certain level on how much i can understand him really.

Is it possible to completely understand someone in every single way?

Usually,It gets resolved ,i think with other things , affection or changing topics maybe.
He has mood swings so,sometimes these small things can seem small to him but then when he has his mood swings,then he would make a bigger deal out of it.

Sometimes he values ,me being theoretical about job or life related issues ,but when i am unaware ,he would need more feelings involved ,then there is trouble.

Let's say,about his friends.
He doesn't really have a close connection to his friends, he doesn't open up in front of them about himself,but he does in front of me.
He shares a lot of really deep feelings and thoughts with me.

He is more ,well just is,does things with them sometimes ,small chit chat ,but nothing serious.

While I try to find people ,who understand me on a personal also emotional level, I call them friends.

First this was odd to me,because he behaved differently with people ,whom he knew for more then 10 years,maybe even 20 really,so i had to adapt.
Which wasn't easy,i can be quite awkward with people i don't really know and when this happens in a language ,which isn't even my own... odd things happen really.

He was himself,but in a very closed up way,it seemed to me that way,anyway.


However,when ,we left his friend circle one night,and i started analyzing some of his friends and told him,he shouldn't really take their thoughts too seriously.
(he has been working on a project at the time and his friends sort of made him feel odd ,because it took him forever to finish...so rather then giving him credit,they were only interested in the completion date)
He got sort of offended by it ,because he was emotionally connected to them and i wasn't supposed to be harsh with them.

It's again the cold logic thing ,really,i think i said that they doesn't really matter :/
While this sounds horrible,to say about anyone really, and i was even more imature ...all i tried to do is cheer him up really,

in other words ,i think i should have said "Hey ,don't worry, You know ,how they are ...It's all going to be fine ,they will be sure surprised about the outcome of your project".
something like that

so when he got emotional about me being "rational" about his friends ,the same thing happened afterwards 5 minute break,i felt i couldn't really fix the situation anymore.


While i also think ,we are individuals ,there are certain traits which really show him being an INFJ and me being an INTP.
I am new to it and i try to learn as much from other members experiences as I can ,because the very same issues or things happen to us as well ,while at the same time,You are right ,i have to keep my distance and not see other people as personality types as well.

Thank you for sharing Your thoughts really,I appreciate it really!

 

[Switchgirl]

Hm,that's a good question.
I think it depends on certain topics really.

Hi, I'm sorry but this is going to be totally irrelevant to the topic of your thread, but:

YOUR AVATAR IS SO ADORABLE >__<

Calicifer =D

 

[paradoxoid]

Lol Thank you ,me and my partner Love Calcifer :3 <3

Please do add something to the topic as well,if You can ,thank you

 

[Switchgirl]

Lol Thank you ,me and my partner Love Calcifer :3 <3

Please do add something to the topic as well,if You can ,thank you

Your dilemma reminds me a lot of the ongoing conflict that I have with my partner as well. We'll get into an argument, big or small, and due to clashes of personality there are some misunderstandings.

I think there's a problem of communication here. When your partner stops talking to you, what would make him feel a lot better is if you approach him calmly and try to talk things through. Communication is so important.

There has been so many times that I'd walk away from my boyfriend and not talk to him when I was angry at him, and it hurt me even more when he didn't bother to talk things through with me, or initiate communication with me.

So I suggest that if this does happen again that you just try to talk things through and to express how you really feel. In order to work it out you guys have to sort out what's causing these arguments in the first place.

Your partner sounds more like an INFP to be honest but I'm not an expert on typing so don't quote me on that =]. My boyfriend does that same exact thing as well, where he bottles ups his feelings and doesn't tell me what's wrong. You have to put a lot of effort into breaking the shell to show that you really care, and eventually with time he will open up more and more (this will take some time though).

I wish the best for the both of you! Relationships can be really tricky. I'm not a relationship expert but I hope this has helped you~

 

[paradoxoid]

Yes it certainly helps.

I will try to do that,he is very stubborn though at times.

i think it's also that i feel so helpless and i close down as well... and when i think i am right ,then i am right.(who is stubborn now !?)
However,sometimes,these small issues are so meaningless really,that i could also just go and easily forget about them and then go and hug him or something.

"There has been so many times that I'd walk away from my boyfriend and not talk to him when I was angry at him, and it hurt me even more when he didn't bother to talk things through with me, or initiate communication with me. "

Yes,that can feel very bad.

I will try to work it out,but i am not sure how to figure out what's causing these arguments ,really.

INFP? I am not sure,I am quite sure he is an INFJ ,he is very nurturing and very INFJ ,based on the INFJ description.


Thank you once again,yes it helped and i also wish Your relationships the best of luck

also,do you guys think , two people can stay together forever? (as long as they are alive)

 

[Switchgirl]

Yes it certainly helps.

I will try to do that,he is very stubborn though at times.

i think it's also that i feel so helpless and i close down as well... and when i think i am right ,then i am right.(who is stubborn now !?)
However,sometimes,these small issues are so meaningless really,that i could also just go and easily forget about them and then go and hug him or something.

"There has been so many times that I'd walk away from my boyfriend and not talk to him when I was angry at him, and it hurt me even more when he didn't bother to talk things through with me, or initiate communication with me. "

Yes,that can feel very bad.

I will try to work it out,but i am not sure how to figure out what's causing these arguments ,really.

INFP? I am not sure,I am quite sure he is an INFJ ,he is very nurturing and very INFJ ,based on the INFJ description.


Thank you once again,yes it helped and i also wish Your relationships the best of luck

Yes, I can very much relate to you about the stubborn part. You can remind him that if he doesn't voice his feelings to you, then how could things ever be resolved? You can let him know that this relationship means very much to you, and that you're trying your best to understand where he's coming from. That's the method I used with my current boyfriend. He's still slow to reveal his feelings at times but he's gotten a lot better. Communication helped the both of us, and effective communication is essential in relationships.

You don't have to feel helpless, because if you feel helpless, that means that you don't believe that things could be resolved. In a relationship that you want to keep, you must keep fighting for it even when you want to give up. It's easier to just feel helpless and give up on everything, and to leave him. It takes effort to strengthen it and keep it.

Are these small quarrels? Or do you have serious arguments? I think small quarrels are actually healthy to a certain extent. If you work out these smaller arguments, it can prevent large ones in the future. Which is why your boyfriend should also learn how to express his feelings and thoughts to you more so you can have a better understanding of him and his feelings.

Hm, well you know your partner best. Regarding MBTI, like [MENTION=4361]Elis[/MENTION] has mentioned, it's best not to read too much into it, especially in relationships. I think it's great how you are interested in it and I can see that you want to use it as a tool to better understand yourself and your boyfriend. But no MBTI description can help you better understand each other compared to actually communicating efficiently with one another.

You're welcome! Thank you, as well =] I know things will be just fine for you guys~

 

[paradoxoid]

Yes, I can very much relate to you about the stubborn part. You can remind him that if he doesn't voice his feelings to you, then how could things ever be resolved? You can let him know that this relationship means very much to you, and that you're trying your best to understand where he's coming from. That's the method I used with my current boyfriend. He's still slow to reveal his feelings at times but he's gotten a lot better. Communication helped the both of us, and effective communication is essential in relationships.
You don't have to feel helpless, because if you feel helpless, that means that you don't believe that things could be resolved. In a relationship that you want to keep, you must keep fighting even when you want to give up. It's easier to just feel helpless and give up on everything, and to leave him. It takes effort to strengthen it and keep it.

~

This is so helpful

Small quarells or ,well I mentioned the one with his friends.
It's small to me ,but might seem big to him,it can only get really big when he is tired or isn't really interested or closes down,I get offended and then the circle starts.
I think i have good intentions and feel such a fool ,when he doesn't see it or in reality when i don't act accordingly or can't communicate it clearly towards him.

It might get bigger when he thinks i am crossing his values and or standards,INFJ's have a really high standard in everything they do.

That's very true on the description, well it's a start,better communication is the key point,yes.

However,it does help to listen to other ,maybe more experienced individuals.
Thank you!

 

[nosferatu]

I would advise asking him what's wrong when you pick up on him feeling frustrated, even if you don't quite understand why he would get upset about the certain incident in the first place. Hear him out, quietly listen, and try to find ways to relate to what he's feeling rather than saying what you think. Don't interrupt him, don't give hard logic, just listen to his feelings.

 

[paradoxoid]

Thank you ,i will try.
Will this not lead though to a point,where i can never share my thoughts on certain topics on the long run?

or simply,then i say,okay,okay,i understand ? You know,when i agree and feel what he does or I try to..then there is not much to say.

 

[nosferatu]

Thank you ,i will try.
Will this not lead though to a point,where i can never share my thoughts on certain topics on the long run?

Oh it's fine to share your thoughts on the topic. But wait until the emotions he is having get resolved first. Once he feels better then share your insights, sometimes people just take stuff the wrong way if they are upset and will hear you out easier when they aren't upset anymore.