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INTP- INFJ friendship

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siouxsie

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Jun 14, 2020
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I´ve met an INFJ (male) person on an online date site. I´m an INTP (female)
We´ve been texting and doing some videocalls since 2 months ago. No major problems, we´re just begining to know each other. I lke him a lot, I find him interesting, I care about him, as he seems very special. But I´m worried, I´m feeling too vulnerable, as in our last call he dodged a couple of personal questions I made to him, overall I felt like he was controling too much what came out of his mouth (also it was the third call we had and things still felt very awkward, we interrupted each other and sometimes stared in awkward silence) I can say I´m eager as I´ve always been around the longlasting friendships I have now. And it makes ME suspicious that he might not like me as much as he says. I´m not thinking in a romantic relationship, we live in different countries, that´s out of the table. I think I´m bothered that I discovered he hides things, I
don´t, I´m as naive as a dog. I don´t have a reason to hide or control my expressions with him, that makes me really distrustful, and as it´s just an online exchange I realise I can leave whenever I want. I haven´t talked to him in the last 3 days, he hasn´t texted me either, I´m usually the one who iniciates conversation.
Maybe I´m just being paranoic and giving too much importance to a silly event. But I don´t know, it bothers me, I have this fear of rejection that makes me very suspicious, I started to think I´ve just been an annoyance all the time and that he won´t reach out if I don´t. And maybe I won´t, I don´t feel welcome enough to start a conversation again, but then again am I giving it too much importance? maybe I´m missing something. I´m doubting, please help me out here.
 
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siouxsie said:
I´ve met an INFJ (male) person on an online date site. I´m an INTP (female)
We´ve been texting and doing some videocalls since 2 months ago. No major problems, we´re just begining to know each other. I lke him a lot, I find him interesting, I care about him, as he seems very special. But I´m worried, I´m feeling too vulnerable, as in our last call he dodged a couple of personal questions I made to him, overall I felt like he was controling too much what came out of his mouth (also it was the third call we had and things still felt very awkward, we interrupted each other and sometimes stared in awkward silence) I can say I´m eager as I´ve always been around the longlasting friendships I have now. And it makes ME suspicious that he might not like me as much as he says. I´m not thinking in a romantic relationship, we live in different countries, that´s out of the table. I think I´m bothered that I discovered he hides things, I
don´t, I´m as naive as a dog. I don´t have a reason to hide or control my expressions with him, that makes me really distrustful, and as it´s just an online exchange I realise I can leave whenever I want. I haven´t talked to him in the last 3 days, he hasn´t texted me either, I´m usually the one who iniciates conversation.
Maybe I´m just being paranoic and giving too much importance to a silly event. But I don´t know, it bothers me, I have this fear of rejection that makes me very suspicious, I started to think I´ve just been an annoyance all the time and that he won´t reach out if I don´t. And maybe I won´t, I don´t feel welcome enough to start a conversation again, but then again am I giving it too much importance? maybe I´m missing something. I´m doubting, please help me out here.
Click to expand...

welp lady we are in the same boat. INTP Female falling for an INTJ male. I think you need to understand that him holding back is likely just what feels okay to him. He is probably figuring out if you are a safe person and where you stand. You know how we INTPs will stay towards the walls of rooms to analyze the entire room and the interactions, mood, intelligence etc before we feel comfortable being in that space? Sometimes for weeks- months- I think that is how an INTJ is about allowing vulnerability with another person. Not sure, but that’s my take on it.
Text him. He may feel sensitive about awkward interaction and is afraid you’ve judged him. Tell him you miss talking to him, give him a door to walk through.
 
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CaitlinRae2192 said:
WOW. This was so spot on. I need to meet a male INTP, perhaps all hope isn't lost :tearsofjoy:
Click to expand...

Make sure to find a happy healthy one with a good helping of F. Healthy INTPs will curl up in your heart like a funny puppy. Unhealthy INTPs can be toxic and caustic like no other. You’ll find happy ones in places where we thrive and are free to think and solve problems at will.
 
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Dopamine said:
welp lady we are in the same boat. INTP Female falling for an INTJ male. I think you need to understand that him holding back is likely just what feels okay to him. He is probably figuring out if you are a safe person and where you stand. You know how we INTPs will stay towards the walls of rooms to analyze the entire room and the interactions, mood, intelligence etc before we feel comfortable being in that space? Sometimes for weeks- months- I think that is how an INTJ is about allowing vulnerability with another person. Not sure, but that’s my take on it.
Text him. He may feel sensitive about awkward interaction and is afraid you’ve judged him. Tell him you miss talking to him, give him a door to walk through.
Click to expand...
You said INTJ twice here - did you mean INFJ?
 
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CaitlinRae2192 said:
Nvm lol my research tells me thats a no go...
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An INTP who has become bitter and has an underdeveloped F will use that powerful mind like a machete with impunity. Even when they like someone they will construct a scaffold of thought that he or she is entitled to reign their intelligence over another person. The truth hurts can become a mantra. You guys have the fabled “door slam”. An INTP has the slash and burn. An Unhealthy scorned INTP will not only burn a bridge, they will burn the village and ride away on the last dark horse.
INTPs DO have feelings, a lot of them. They are usually fresh and a bit confusing for the INTP when someone stokes their fire. They will figure out quickly that the logical thing is to construct ways to keep you feeling happy and content. They might not fully understand everything you feel, but they will know that it is important to you and align to protect that space and then get in it with you. Awkwardly gentle, like shielding a precious egg they are not sure what will hatch from. There might be a mighty stack of extremely detailed plans for a fortress next to their computer. They may or may not get one half finished and need help getting it built and complete.
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
Oh :( Got excited for a second there, lol.
Click to expand...
Most of my friends are INTJs. I work with a lot of them. INFJs are a way rarer breed. When I found out the INFJ I am involved with was an INFJ, I will admit I had a big stop in tracks moment. I kinda wondered if I was up for the challenge. The bloody kryptonite. I honestly had the thought “crap, am I ready for this mirror and being that unraveled??” I’ve seen more than one INTP shot right out of the sky by one of you INFJs.
 
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The only thing weirder than INTPs is the weirdness of INTPs
 
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Dopamine said:
The truth hurts can become a mantra. You guys have the fabled “door slam”. An INTP has the slash and burn. An Unhealthy scorned INTP will not only burn a bridge, they will burn the village and ride away on the last dark horse.
Click to expand...

Interestingly Ive found that many people that utilize the slash and burn technique due to the assumption an INFJ is an overly sensitive individual that will just leave sobbing in defeat are often taken by surprise. A malicious attack intended to hurt feelings just doesn't make sense or seem necessary versus a direct explanation. Sometimes all mercy flies out the window when an INFJ is faced with that, almost like an entirely alternate version has taken the reigns. I'm big enough to admit I don't even recall what venom was spewed, but somehow I was the bigger asshole lol. I guarantee it was dark, but hey I mess up when feelings are injured intentionally. Hop to what I said can never be forgiven and there goes that shit forever lol
 
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siouxsie said:
I´ve met an INFJ (male) person on an online date site. I´m an INTP (female)
We´ve been texting and doing some videocalls since 2 months ago. No major problems, we´re just begining to know each other. I lke him a lot, I find him interesting, I care about him, as he seems very special. But I´m worried, I´m feeling too vulnerable, as in our last call he dodged a couple of personal questions I made to him, overall I felt like he was controling too much what came out of his mouth (also it was the third call we had and things still felt very awkward, we interrupted each other and sometimes stared in awkward silence) I can say I´m eager as I´ve always been around the longlasting friendships I have now. And it makes ME suspicious that he might not like me as much as he says. I´m not thinking in a romantic relationship, we live in different countries, that´s out of the table. I think I´m bothered that I discovered he hides things, I
don´t, I´m as naive as a dog. I don´t have a reason to hide or control my expressions with him, that makes me really distrustful, and as it´s just an online exchange I realise I can leave whenever I want. I haven´t talked to him in the last 3 days, he hasn´t texted me either, I´m usually the one who iniciates conversation.
Maybe I´m just being paranoic and giving too much importance to a silly event. But I don´t know, it bothers me, I have this fear of rejection that makes me very suspicious, I started to think I´ve just been an annoyance all the time and that he won´t reach out if I don´t. And maybe I won´t, I don´t feel welcome enough to start a conversation again, but then again am I giving it too much importance? maybe I´m missing something. I´m doubting, please help me out here.
Click to expand...


But back to you... sorry I didn’t mean to derail- it sounds like you are trying to logic too hard. You feel stuff. You don’t like not having the ability to get to all of the data you feel you need. You can survive without all of the data. Be brave. As you stated you can always walk away. It is important to note that you really don’t want to. That is a data point too.

You already know that all of the really good things take time and energy to understand. In my limited experience with INFJs they will somehow get it when you explain that you are struggling on the best approach. I think is is a good thing to find and nurture a friendship like this, he could teach you a lot about the need or futility of your logic guardrails. Just find him and let him know you want to understand. That you want to know him. Again in limited experience, I had to pay trust forward a little bit with the INFJ I am falling for, but the effort has been worth it. More than once I took a step forward with him and extended first vulnerability, teeth clenched ready for a body blow- but got my frosty heart melted instead. It’s worth it.
Remember, there is enough here that you sought out a forum, you made an account, you wrote out your problem seeking advice and reassurance. Like it or not he matters to you. That’s all the information you really need. Give him a door to walk through. These guys are REALLY hard on themselves. It’s kind of incredible. He may be out there wondering about you in some epic mind battle that there is no way he could make you happy while playing tapes of past failures in his head in screaming detail. Or he may not care that much- either way-what I care about in your message is that YOU care. So be brave and get in there and figure it out. Your brain is designed for the patience required for intricate patterns. Figure it out.
 
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CaitlinRae2192 said:
Interestingly Ive found that many people that utilize the slash and burn technique due to the assumption an INFJ is an overly sensitive individual that will just leave sobbing in defeat are often taken by surprise. A malicious attack intended to hurt feelings just doesn't make sense or seem necessary versus a direct explanation. Sometimes all mercy flies out the window when an INFJ is faced with that, almost like an entirely alternate version has taken the reigns. I'm big enough to admit I don't even recall what venom was spewed, but somehow I was the bigger asshole lol. I guarantee it was dark, but hey I mess up when feelings are injured intentionally. Hop to what I said can never be forgiven and there goes that shit forever lol
Click to expand...
CaitlinRae2192 said:
Interestingly Ive found that many people that utilize the slash and burn technique due to the assumption an INFJ is an overly sensitive individual that will just leave sobbing in defeat are often taken by surprise. A malicious attack intended to hurt feelings just doesn't make sense or seem necessary versus a direct explanation. Sometimes all mercy flies out the window when an INFJ is faced with that, almost like an entirely alternate version has taken the reigns. I'm big enough to admit I don't even recall what venom was spewed, but somehow I was the bigger asshole lol. I guarantee it was dark, but hey I mess up when feelings are injured intentionally. Hop to what I said can never be forgiven and there goes that shit forever lol
Click to expand...

When I was younger, less secure, more unsettled into myself, I woke up the next morning more than once in deep regret over the smoking embers I left in the wake of some perceived mortal wound. Just to see in fresh light, a different perspective.

The door slam may be rough but at least there’s still a door standing. Not to geek out but in the final episodes of Game of Thrones all I could think was, “man it’s a good thing I never got my hands on a dragon in my 20’s”.
 
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Dopamine said:
Not to geek out but in the final episodes of Game of Thrones all I could think was, “man it’s a good thing I never got my hands on a dragon in my 20’s”.
Click to expand...
Funny you say that, I just watched Warcraft tonight and thought "It is by no mistake I wasn't given the power to drain the life out of anyone at will." :laughing:
 
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