INTP: Do I confess my love for an INFJ? | INFJ Forum

INTP: Do I confess my love for an INFJ?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Arcane Loop, Jun 19, 2022.

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  1. Arcane Loop

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    Dear INFJs,

    Please help. I'm in desperate need of advice.

    I'm in love with an INFJ and want to come clean and confess to him..

    There's this highly intelligent, profound and mystical human being I met at work. I'll call him A. Initially I didn't pay attention to him at all. It turns out we had spent a whole day in a meeting and I didn't even remember he was there at the time. It turns out we also have had a meeting for 30min which I hardly recall. Both of us avoid coming to the office, so it took some time before we bumped into each other and actually had a meaningful conversation of some kind.

    And when this happened.. oh my. I'm usually in control of my social interactions at work. I observe, gently steer the direction of the conversational flow, let people share away and never let my own guard down. With him it was so different. A. left so much space for me, I stepped into it and shared myself with brutal honesty. I shared so much, felt so good about it and... hardly managed to learn anything about him.

    After a few casual interactions like this I got curious and invited him to a 40min lunch. "I'll investigate, figure him out, place him in the right category, get some peace of mind." Arrogant? Yes, it was. And I bitterly regret said invitation to this day.

    A. really got to my head. He was respectful, warm, inquisitive, calm and in control in a way that truly got me scared. And dear INFJs, this Ni stare is a force of nature, I give you that - the soul-piercing gaze was so intimidating, I truly wanted to run away on several occasions. The conversation was so damn intense that I experienced a total meltdown, blushed throughout, got my heart pounding in my throat and at the end had to control my breathing. I knew I couldn't bullshit my way out of this, he saw through everything. And he knew I knew it!! 40min turned into 2 hours and at the end this got so difficult and physical for me.. that I was about to faint. This is not an exaggeration in any way.

    At the end of the conversation he leaned really close to me and stared so unflinchingly into my eyes.. then told me with regret in his voice "So you'll be leaving soon and I won't be seeing you around.. Maybe I'll come to (another place in town where we have another office)".

    Once done, I felt both shame and guilt about such emotional loss of control. I was angry and powerless and got into such a Fe grip I left the office and got home. At the same time I felt so understood and alive. For 2 hours I wore my heart on my sleeve. It was exhausting and rewarding at the same time. It turned out we share a lot of the same principles and agree on so many topics. We've reached the same conclusions in fundamentally different ways. We also share strong love for a certain European capital
    we have both lived in - we discussed how this place and its vibe have left a lasting impact on our lives. Overall, his intelligence was a force to behold..

    We've had several interactions since. And I'm baffled. He ignores me for long periods of time, then stares intensely or says something (I'd consider) kind of romantic. He's a real gentleman - he doesn't seem to initiate much contact with others, but when approached is always kind and considerate. So am I overthinking this or does he treat me differently? A few examples of his behaviour - how does this look to you?

    Ignores me most of the day.
    Then out of the blue:
    A: Crazy (my name)
    Me: Why do you keep on calling me crazy?
    A: Because you're funny.
    Me: Funny is not crazy.
    A: True..
    Ni stare intensifies.

    We share stories from our love lives. He tells me about his girlfriend and at the same time can't find a convenient way to sit. He ends up positioning his body in such a way that he touches both my shoulder and my knee. I don't pull away and he doesn't either. Several minutes later he gets up and leaves, saying a quick good bye. His voice suddenly sounds cold.

    Head down, I walk towards the bar. I don't lift my head to look at him. He walks straight towards me, I step left to avoid bumping into him, he steps left. I step right, he steps right. I step left, he steps left. I feel trapped.
    Me frustrared: Wanna dance!??
    A: ... silence...

    I get my drink and then command him to sit next to me and explain himself.
    Me: Were you pulling my leg? Why did you act like this?
    A: It's a way to show I love (my name).
    Me: Like pulling people's hair in high school?
    A: Yeah..

    We walk without talking for a while. We reach the train station. He stops and stares intensely into my eyes.
    A: Very elegant (piece of clothing). Did you buy it in (European capital where we've both lived)?
    Me: No. I bought it in (another place).
    A few seconds later our train comes and he proceeds to take and carry MY suitcase. This took me off guard, so hands touch. I get really nervous.
    Me: No, I'm fine. I don't like others carrying my stuff.

    We're in the train. We approach his station. He gets up to leave the train, stands in front of me with arms open. I get up and give him a hug. I'm terrified how he got me to do this without saying a word. I'd never hug any colleague. He leaves. I fall apart into 918481975153 pieces. I'm so utterly emotional, so gobsmacked.. that when my station comes I forget my suitcase on the train.

    Please, please help. How do I do this. I want to tell him I'm in love with him. But there are several key issues.

    1. I'm in a relationship, with a child.
    2. He's in a relationship.
    3. We have a significant age difference >10 years.

    I strive for intellectual and emotional honesty. I will tell my partner.

    But do I tell A.?

    If yes, how do I tell him?

    I was thinking of drawing a chronological line with key events, illustrating how my feelings for him developed (I draw and paint), then telling him that I understand nothing can be done about it, that I admire his grace, intelligence and kindness, that he is one in a million and I wish him all the very best in this world..

    How would you react if someone confessed to you in this way?

    Or would you rather not have such a confession in this situation?


     
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  2. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    You're going to do what you want regardless, but NO.

    The reasons I give:

    INFJs aren't usually the type to cheat. If they are, something is amiss.


    I don't think an age gap between two adults is much of a reason, but if he is in his forties, use caution. He may be feeling restless and that isn't a very stable state of mind. Yes, it is a stereotype about the midlife crisis, but it is a legitimate one.


    It may be OK to tell him how special a person you think he is and leave it at that. Remember you are in a relationship, too.
     
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  3. OP
    Arcane Loop

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    Thank you for taking the time to read and share words of advice.

    Cheating is not an option on the table. I love my partner very much and would never hurt him like this. I'd also hate seeing A. act on it. This would stain the impeccable impression he's left so far. Hence my bitter regret at inviting A. to lunch. At the time it seemed a perfectly normal thing to do and one to one lunch invites are very common at our workplace and encouraged, especially after working remotely for 2 years. What happened was both surprising and shocking.

    My ultimate goal is thw opposite of cheating- being truthful to all parties involved. If this also helps break the spell (by saying it out calmly and bluntly), then it would be a welcome side effect.

    From your post I get the impression this is a bad idea..
     
  4. aeon

    aeon Amoureux des Chatons
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    Listen to yourself.

    You chose to do that, but you are unwilling to be responsible for, and own, the choices you are making.

    Which would be a lie, no? Is love not a shared, mutual experience?

    I don’t believe this for a second. And you will reveal, not just tell.

    What I say matters not. You will do what you want to do, regardless, because you dare to become the Vicomte de Valmont. “It’s beyond my control.”

    Think what you like, and then let the thought die a natural death.

    I’d be flattered, and I would also become wary, knowing a colleague had cultivated thoughts and feelings instead of quelling them, that being indicative of poor boundaries, or a willingness to run roughshod over them.

    You not owning what is yours casts doubt on this.

    Stain? The horror! What of your starched and pressed linens?

    Truth as a shillelagh, a cudgel. Truth never so noble as when it is brutal.

    I think it’s a very bad idea indeed.

    My sense is you are trying to meet your needs the best way you know how, given your gifts and skills, as constrained by the bounds of your situation, limited by your resources. To that end, you might take some time to think about what your needs are before you do anything else.

    Well Wishes,
    Ian
     
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  5. dZpADTLrPmX4c

    dZpADTLrPmX4c Impermanent Fixture

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    Why should you?
    Please, also question your immediate answer to this.

    It'd really be circumstantial. In most cases, horror. Because in most cases I feel nothing of the sort for them and it means I have to rip their heart out. The only consolation being in most cases their feelings tend to be shallower than they imagine them to be so they recover quickly.

    That's not to say yours are shallow. Though it's possible your crush may feel that way?

    If it weren't already clear to me I'd like to know. If I have suspicions it's nice to have them either confirmed or proven wrong so as to put it to rest.

    * * * * *

    How do you plan on approaching your significant other about this?

    And what about A drew you in? like was it him as a person or was it more the environment that he created that enabled something inside you?
     
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