There's a lot of information here, and I love talking about this stuff. So please excuse me while I reply to EVERYTHING.
However, first questions; how old are you and M? Just guessing you're somewhere around 18years old? If I guessed wrong, ignore the next few [italicized] sentences.
If I guessed right, I want to point out that you both are still emotionally maturing, even though you feel very close to being fully mature. This is especially true of INFJ's, as (in my anecdotal experience) tend to start figuring out this whole being-an-INFJ-thing at about this time, and really don't make a whole lot of sense. So keep that in mind when you think about this situation. And I remember the point at which I had only told ~10 people I'm gay. If you are anything like me, you're thinking about this situation way more than you need to, and emotionally investing in her reaction WAY more than you need to. But it's normal to be invested in someone's reaction here, and its very possible she's worth the investment.
Hello! I'm a female INTJ, looking for help with my friendship with a female INFJ. Just a note, I'm not the usual INTJ, but rather love writing and do have feelings, just that I like to keep them hidden. Sarcasm is best! So, INFJs willing to help me, please come listen to my little story!
The INFJ I'm talking about, let's call her M, we've known each other existed for a long time, but have never spoken much to each other. Then stuff happened and I became great friends with her. Within months. That's really impossible. The thing is, she saw right through me every time. Even when I pretended to be that emotionless robot whose only goal was to solve math problems, M noticed stuff like how much I cared for others. She had her own share of problems, and I listened to every one of them. M was so deep and complex, pretending not to care about anything but was actually real sensitive - a trait of INFJs I believe. You guys are pretty awesome.
So one day I told her I was gay. Yeah, I'm a girl who likes girls. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I don't like her that way. I really just cared for her. M didn't understand. She did tell me it was alright, that she'd try to understand. Things were never the same. M didn't talk to me first, she didn't confide in me anymore, and was less-than-enthusiastic about our exchanges. She did mention once, "It's not that I don't care. I'm just not strong to handle everything at once."
What does that even mean? I don't need her to 'deal' with my 'problem'. Just one "okay", and no more mention of it is good enough for me. Instead, the person I really cared about just withdrew from me. So, is she lying about caring? Or does she have no more space for me as friends. It's been two months. I'm ready to give up.
Help, please? Do tell what's going on in her mind.
Do you want elaborate how y'all went from acknowledging each other's existence to super close friends so quickly?
Also, it seems that you want to take the blame for this situation. Is “problem” her word or yours? Your sexuality may be a point of contention, but that sure as hell does not make it your problem. M is dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and if you think of your sexuality as a problem, then it would seem like one more thing for her to deal with. But your sexuality is what it is, and it nothing more. Think about that. A lot. Its an easy enough idea to understand, but it takes time to believe it. And if you can believe it, and show this to M, then she very well may believe it too.
Hey there Mind Labyrinth, thanks for taking the time to read and reply!
I'm not sure whether this counts as telling her all i wanted from her was her support, but I did tell her to forget I ever told her anything, and that she doesn't have to handle it. She replied with, "How can I forget everything you told me. You told me because you trusted me, right? Am I gonna just leave you like that? Don't be like that please." I told her to forget it for the time being, and that I didn't want to cause any drama for her.
I did make it clear to her that I did not like her romantically. Also, she is not one to assume these things. Serious self-esteem issues. Also, she's 100% straight hahaha. One of her personal problems that she confided in me was about some guy. On another note, she loves her God.
I see her quite often. Same class and all. We talk, but just as friends. Or less-than-friends. On the outside, our friends don't notice anything. But it is clear to me her attitude towards me has changed. I have to start all conversations (believe me I tried very hard). She can't look me in the eye.
I must be the most clingy INTJ ever ;_;
You want M to accept you and be your friend, which does require support. But asking her to “forget it” just makes your sexuality the problem for her to deal with, and not how she's treating you.
I would like to point out that if M is like any INFJ I have ever met, the bolded statement is false. INFJ's make assumptions, INFJ's make all the assumptions. All of them, and then we use this to appear as though we haven't as we try to figure out which assumption is the correct one. Really, intuition, and especially, introverted intuition, is all about making assumptions. We like it when our assumptions are informed, even when we have no idea what's informing them, but we love making assumptions. Which, in this situation, is really important, because M has probably assumed something wrong. And it will take work on both your parts to figure out what that is.
Also, about the underlined part, having feelings for one boy does not make a girl 100% straight. Human sexuality is rich and vibrant with diversity. I personally don't believe in anyone being perfectly straight or perfectly gay (because of floor and ceiling effects, but that's complicated, and is based in semantic arguments, so I won't go too far there now). Having romantic feelings for one boy ONLY means she's not perfectly gay [which is a given]. If an unquoted post its mentioned that she might be dealing with her own sexuality. If I assumed you're sexuality right, I think this is a reasonable guess. I know withdrawing from you doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to do, so let me paint a potential portrait as to why it might at least be a touch logical.
Lets assume that M is questioning her sexuality. Then you tell her that you're gay. She probably would want to ask you what that's like, how you came to that conclusion, is it really something that's ok to be? All sorts of questions that a questioning person is wondering. However, she's a little embarrassed about it all, especially if she has her culture and religion saying that its bad and she shouldn't be. So in that moment she decides to not ask, thinking she'll probably ask later. Then, when later comes around, she doesn't know how to start that conversation. Texting out of the blue “hey, I want to talk to you” is incredibly difficult to do, especially when the topic is so hard to approach. So she doesn't. And as the initially “I'm gay” conversation gets older and older, it seems even more out of the blue, making it harder and harder, until it never happens. However, whenever she see's you she's reminded of the conversation that's never happening, and just feels awkward, and started feeling other topics harder to bring up, thus creating distance.
Again, this is just one possibility (and me projecting a whole lot), but it is very possible. So it may not be all that bad.
Hey ti_co! Thanks for leaving a comment. I'm not sure what the folks here felt about sexual orientation topics so I didn't elaborate.
It was one night she couldn't sleep and texted me. Then she told me a lot of really personal stuff. Like how she sometimes thinks of suicide and all. Like I said, self-esteem. We texted for around two hours. With that atmosphere, I kind of wanted to tell her I was gay. She knows I'm hiding something but she never pushed me. I originally wanted to leave it for another day, but she told me she wanted to know what's up with me. She said she would feel like she's not a good friend if I listened to her but I could not tell her my problems. So I took the plunge.
At first it was the standard responses, "Maybe you just haven't met the right guy." "All girls look at other girls too." Well the normal ones I get from the people I come out to. Then I explained to her slowly. She said she did not understand but will try to.
There. Was that okay? Hope it was enough information.
First of all, one of this forum's founding members (Satya) can best be described as militantly gay. Also the staff has had a good deal of LGBT on it, myself included. In general, this forum does not allow for homophobia in basically any form. This space is an incredibly safe space for sexual minorities. There's no need to feel shy about discussing anything here, just please draw the line at pornographic level of detail when describing situations.
Ugh. Maybe it occurred to her that she was speaking from a position of ignorance.
Oh gosh. Now after reading that, I can see that this girl is just ignorant and close-minded. You deserve much better Iridium, and don't even waste any more energy on her. Later on in life she will realize how immature and un-empathetic she's being, and that she lost a great friend because of it. I'm sorry We can be friends though!! You seem like a really sweet girl who doesn't deserve that crap.
And yeah, those comments do depict a good deal of ignorance. However, the great thing about ignorance is it simply cured with a touch of information. And she said she will try to understand, so latch onto that, and help her to understand. Also, this does not discount that she is possibly questioning her own sexuality (fyi). It seems like she's repeating what's she's heard before, so she may well be hoping you say “No, its not because I haven't yet met the right guy, this is just how I am.” Plus, "All girls look at other girls too." … SO not 100% straight, just sayin'.
sentientsixpence - I'm sorry I don't quite understand. What do you mean?
Mind Labyrinth -
Hahaha thanks I'd be glad to have you as a friend!
I'm somewhere in Asia. We don't get a lot of exposure to LGBT-related issues. Standard Asian thinking: If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist! Soooo, I don't think I can blame her for not understanding at first. I'm kind of afraid to bring up the whole, "Why are you being so distant?" thing. I really don't want to add to her problems. I thought she just needed time. I'm guessing two months is enough time? We're both not confrontational people. So it's either I figure out how to talk to her. Or I just quietly slip away.
Mind Labyrinth -
I'm in Malaysia. The other 8 people I came out to, they were great about it. However, of the 8, one was gay, three were lesbians. So of the 9 people, only 5 were straight. I do pick my battles well don't I? Feed the INTJ's ego please!
Well now might be a bad time to "confront" her. We're having some huge exam. M gets so stressed about exams. Maybe I'm just being a chicken here and finding excuses to not ask her about this. But I'm thinking it wouldn't be so bad to just slip away. We won't be seeing each other next year, because we're going to different places. There's less than a month before exam ends and we never see each other again. By opening this thread, I actually just wanted to see maybe if her actions can be interpreted in a different way.
Do you really think I should talk to her? Even if everything gets resolved, we'd still be strangers next year. Hmm...
I see. Thanks for all the replies! I think I'll talk to her. I admit I do want some sort of closure. Hope for the best ><
Please do talk to her. A key to academic success is occasionally getting away from it and think (hard) about something else entirely. So don't think of talking to her as taking away from study time, but rather helping both of you with a break and by finding resolution. Also, I don't think you want closure and to just end the relationship. You want resolution. Which is why you're motivated to think of this as your problem, because you can fix your own problems, and find resolution without any potential conflict. But that's not what's happening here, you have to find the resolution together. And you won't be strangers when you go your separate ways. You have the internet. I have good friends all over the world [*waves at forum*], and you can too. I've let friendship dissolve like this, and they keep me up at night. Please seek resolution, not closure. Resolution is still possible, and closure is a last ditch effort. Let us know how it goes?
