[ENTP] - Input with INFJ friendship | INFJ Forum

[ENTP] Input with INFJ friendship

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Paraoxysmal

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Dec 21, 2015
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I am a male ENTP, I need advice with the relationship I have with a female INFJ. We’re both really good friends. Yes I’ve tried to escalate the friendship to a romantic relationship in the past, was unsuccessful and no that’s not the goal of this post. We’re actually amazing friends, she’s totally my best friend, her and my INTJ buddy. We talk about 6 hours a day, text for almost the entire day, really open about everything. Lately though I’ve been feeling really vulnerable when we go to talk and I can’t shake the feeling. I really don’t like it. I had a series of moments that happened back to back that consciously proved that she’s cares and that really messed my Fe.

I don’t want our relationship to keep growing because I don’t know how to process my own emotions here and I don’t want it to regress but, I’ve been handling it piss poorly; I’ve been avoiding and not being talkative, she thinks something's wrong. I don’t know what to do or say about it, my natural reaction is to just burn the bridge but I can’t because this is an absolutely amazing friendship, it’s damn near perfect.

Can any of you guys help :x
 
Perhaps the prospect of a possible serious relationship is bringing up questions of commitment, which for an ENTP may be stressful. Additionally, the prospect of a definite relationship moves the friendship psychologically out of the social circle and more into an intimate circle (which for some people may seem a less extroverted forum).

These factors might be triggering your shadow processes, which basically invert your personality type into a dysfunctional ISFJ:
* Introverted intuiting: Foreseeing implications, transformations, and likely effects. (What it will mean if you end up committed).
* Extroverted thinking: Segmenting, organizing for efficiency, and systematizing. (Taking a cost/benefit approach to your friendship).
* Introverted feeling: Valuing and considering importance, beliefs, and worth. (Feelings of personal vulnerability).
* Extroverted sensing: Experiencing and acting in the immediate context. (Impulsiveness, which is not so much spontaneous, as randomly uncharacteristic).

Being unfamiliar with what is normalising for ENTP's I'll just take a guess at what could help put things back into perspective: The concept that a romantic couple doesn't have to be viewed exclusively as a him/her dynamic, but can also be viewed as an additional aspect to a group/social dynamic: him/her//everyone +him//everyone +her//everyone. As a metaphor, a relationship may be daunting if viewed as two objects in mutual orbit; but perhaps less daunting if viewed as a binary system in a complex galaxy.

Just throwing around some ideas.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
a relationship may be daunting if viewed as two objects in mutual orbit; but perhaps less daunting if viewed as a binary system in a complex galaxy.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply Flavus Aquila, I appreciate the time and thought you put into it! I do like the metaphor quoted but that's not really helping me :x

Maybe more background? I feel as if I'm an immature ENTP; I'm still focusing heavily on my Ti and I don't think I want to leave this phase because it's extremely rewarding. She comes off as a really mature INFJ, she's not like other INFJs that I've met she can detach herself emotionally from the people around her if they're toxic but she has a harder time with close relationships.

I just really need to shake this vulnerability, its fucking madening.
 
Are there people who don't feel vulnerable under the INFJ microscope? I'm still learning about all of this, but it seems to me that this is a normal reaction to the INFJs flavor of friendship. I also want to ask why her obviously caring about you necessarily means she wants the relationship to evolve? If my understanding of the type is at all accurate, I'd say you can probably just talk to her about it. Ask her where she stands and tell her where you are and figure out if your ideas about where your friendship is headed match up.
 
It's different then it has been in the past really different. She's constantly trying to gift things and do things for me that I can obviously do. I'm not going to get into specifics about what made me go o she cares.

I don't want to talk to her about it because it stays out there. Forever. INFJs don't forget and it's really annoying and I don't know if in the future this would be different and don't want to cut something off down the line. Just in this moment I want space.
 
I can see how that vulnerability can be a uncomfortable thing. But something important to understand is that this vulnerability (well in my own INFJ experience and another that I know well) is exactly what makes an INFJ feel so connected to another person. So I'm sure she sees and appreciates that. But if it's something that makes you uncomfortable, maybe you should talk to her about it. I see you said you didn't want to because the conversation never goes away, but maybe you can frame the conversation differently. And in addition to that, maybe it would be useful to think more about why it is that you came to feel that way if you hadn't before.

So is your main point that you want some space? If you just step back without talking to her, it's likely she'll think it's a fault of hers, something she has done to cause you to push away. Her intuition is probably already telling her that something is off or wrong between you two, an she's probably trying to figure that out herself. But I also see why you might not want to talk about it, as she probably won't forget it. But if the conversation is made clear that you don't want her to push away and that it's just you taking some time to understand your own feelings, I think that issue can be avoided. Maybe you should think about framing the conversation that way.

I do have another question though. Are your feelings of vulnerability stemming from the possibility of the relationship becoming something more or are they stemming from the level of closeness you two are at?

I also wanted to add that her level of caring doesn't mean that she expects you to be on that same level. She's likely doing it because that's how she is about friendship. The literature and my experience speak to the fact that INFJ's look for friends like they look for soul mates. She must see that potential in you. But that doesn't have to mean romantically. That's something the two of you control yourselves. Any time, any terms. And also, you two may just express your care and appreciation in different ways. That's also something the two of you together control. It's all in the conversation and how you shape it. The best way to understand what's on her mind is to ask. And you should give that to her in return. I hope this is helpful!
 
Well I see that you posted this quite some time ago. If it's not too personal, maybe you could give an update on where you two are now.
 
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