INFP and INTP dating, etc.

[Gaze]

Supposed INFP here. If you doubt this, I will hit you with a piece of snow.

So, apparently, I tend to be drawn to and attract, unintentionally, INTPs. Then, when they don't react or respond to my Fi, I go . They ignore the INFP's need for emotional intimacy or closeness. They are so practical-minded that they miss the feeling aspect that is key to the INFP. Yes, I am attracted to their humor and directness, but they can be quite lost to the effect of their behavior on feelings. They can appear a bit cold to feelings, without intending to. If I'm wrong, please correct and clarify. I really just want to understand. Pretty please!

Help me please understand. Can an INFP and INTP truly work, or what is wrong with me that I keep attracting these types? Or maybe you can tell me what is wrong with me? Whichever works at this point


Edit: I found this website with a great description of the dynamics between INFPs and INTPs.
https://www.onlinepersonalitytests....ationships-compatibility-love-and-friendship/

 

[Defective]

Hi Gaze!

My mother is an INTP and my father is an INFP and their interactions are pretty similar to what you have described here, in fact, I think they will be getting divorced soon as there are way too many miscommunications between them when they do interact.

Unfortunately the FI is lost on many people, probably myself included. The INTP is frustrated by illogical arguments or ones that are based on someone's personal value system, and I see this is a very common trigger in my parents case, as my dad tends to throw out different ideas and then overlay them with his feelings and opinions which forms the basis of what he thinks, and obviously this sends my mum (INTP) pretty crazy because the things he says are almost never grounded in reality, but rather on his personal experience and beliefs.

I am certainly not a master on this topic, this is just what I have seen in my own family, my father complains of the same things you have said here (that my mum is cold and abrupt). I don't think this is a great dynamic, but everyone is different, it's just about expanding your own way of interacting and understanding why different people/types respond the way they do.

My mother used to leave me feeling this way as well when I was a teenager, but as I got older and learned about personality types it reformed our relationship and I can appreciate her for what she is and understand why she reacts the way she does. Unfortunately the FI seems to struggle with this (based on what I've seen, I could very much be wrong).

 

[philostam]

I think INFP and INTP is a pretty bad match.

There is a lot of attraction from both sides, but communication styles can be totally at odds with each-other. Unless you get a particular feminine, artistic or bohemian INTP - but even there they won't be happy (they probably just don't know themselves and their strengths yet).

INFPs seem to like to talk a lot about personal experiences, playful anecdotes etc.
INTPs always like to abstract away from the personal to some detached impersonal generalizations or "laws".

The fire between INTP and INFP can burn bright for a while, but it's hard to sustain it.

And INTP and ISFP is even worse...A total shitshow.

Just my personal experience, of course.

 

[Cornerstone]

The only thing that comes to mind is to let them get to know your history. If the emotional 'outburst' (i.e. any expression at all) is the logical conclusion of a series of events which are known, or at least capable of being inferred, it makes more sense.

 

[Gaze]

Thank you all for responding!

So, that's a hard maybe????

Thing is. INTPs have a quality which makes them easy to relate to for the INFP on one hand. They are open in a way that makes INFPs comfortable but rarely appreciated by many other types.

But just as you all mention, are the lack of emotional awareness and sacrifices worth it. My fear is that this begins to be more of a one-sided relationship.

 

[slant]

It's probably more about if you want it to work out or not and if you can be happy with what would be required for it to work.

I really like how less emotional people don't get offended so easily or take things personally. My partner is very much like this. It's easy to talk to him.

This coldness you describe is just about viewing the world from a different perspective and it is very scary to think this way and to express yourself and have somebody become very emotional over what you say or do. You try to explain yourself, but the other person doesn't seem to get it and wants you to agree that you are not looking at it as emotionally charged as you are. If you can just respect that you are different in that regard and not expect the other person to react the way you do, then it can work. I can get get more emotionally involved and I kind of am able to recognize he doesn't see it from that sentimental place and also acknowledge that there are very great benefits to the way he is viewing the issue. Together we can see a more complete picture because we see details the other is missing. But if we stay stuck in our own perspective and are not flexible it's not going to work because we are operating on the exact opposite side of the coin.

It helps if you know deep down inside the goodness of a person, so that you will always give them the benefit of the doubt when they say something that makes you feel emotional. If you don't believe that then it won't work either because you will go into the spiral of thinking the worst about that person, and maybe it is true, but some people are just communicating in a style that is harder to understand instead of deliberately being hurtful and I think that's an important distinction. Some people don't.

It really helps to understand from their perspective of how it feels to go through life communicating in this fashion and people not wanting to take the time to see their perspective because they're upset by the words the person used, or think the things the person values are somehow cruel. You have to be willing to challenge that thinking and get a good read on why this person acts this way.

It might be easiest to find somebody who communicates the way you do. But ask yourself the qualities you do enjoy about the person, too. It's just whether or not the investment is worth it to you and whether you'll feel more satisfied in that dynamic or if you want something different.

 

[Defective]

'It really helps to understand from their perspective of how it feels to go through life communicating in this fashion and people not wanting to take the time to see their perspective because they're upset by the words the person used, or think the things the person values are somehow cruel. You have to be willing to challenge that thinking and get a good read on why this person acts this way.'

THIS, I could not find the right words, but you nailed it @slant, if you're feeling upset by someone being factual and analytical, you need to take into account that they're probably equally upset that you're being emotional, it's a two way street and can be difficult to learn to see the other side. I think it's unfair to think of it as 'one sided' because someone does not operate on the same wave length as you, in regard to emotions.