INFJs view on relationships, challenges and benefits of being singled/coupled

[Littlelissa]

INFJ thoughts on relationships. Interested to hear peoples concept of self-hood and how this might change in relationship. In your opinion is it a particular challenge to find the right person to be with as an INFJ? Any thoughts on the contradictions or tensions between introversion and relational extraversion (feeling), and what it's like to be two people at once?...or any other thoughts anyone want to throw up in the process...

 

[James]

I am no expert as I have had one serious relationship ever, and it all crashed and burned in June this year lol. I have no idea what anyone else should do, but for myself I have decided to do the following.

Be happy being just me, being single and to get as fit and well as I can. Make my own space, and try to get more involved in the things I like and enjoy. Since June I've lost some weight, got into a good rountine of exercise, and improved my diet (only 2 pizza since and far less chocolate). I'd be open to a new relationship/friendship, but I'm somewhat cautious to make sure things happen in a better, more open and free way from now on. I'm not averse to committment but careful about what I'd be committing to.

When I do try to work on that, I'd pay more attention to how a prospective partner treats other people not just me. I think I've learned a painful lesson in that regard. I'm intent on managing and controlling my own finances. Once the house is sold I will have some money, and I intend to prudently (and ethically) make some more. I am tired of working hard for others to benefit from it far more than I do. It's not about 'cash' I just want to be as independant as I can, and support my family.

In spite of what happened to me, I still do firmly believe in a romantic form of love, but not in any idealized way. It should be healthy, balanced and constructive. Life throws all kinds of pain and trouble at us, but in a relationship founded in that way, whatever you face you deal with together. Even if as does sadly happen at times, separation.

 

[copyright.kcors]

I found my soulmate in an intj. Decided keep my emotions to myself... because i respect him as my friend, and i dont want to be a homewrecker with his gf. It was really hard controling my emotions around him- heartbreaking to finally see your soulmate- and let go...but in the end i realize it was a matter of principle and perception. as long as every interaction with him is something i would tell myself..
1.) love the idea of him but not him.
2.) do unto others what u want others do unto you.
3.) i love him to the point that i dont want to ruin him.
4.) to just love him and show him the best of me as his friend without expecting anything in return.
5.) there is someone even better for me out there someday.
6.) guard my heart at all cost. Always had a pact with God, to not awaken my heart until it so desires.

This experience taught me alot especially on how to control my emotions better than before.
How to stick on comittment to higher morals and ethics.
To know my value.
To give love even when i dont expect anything in return.

 

[Littlelissa]

Well, I don't know if there is something wrong with me but I've been single for 14 years. I am 42 so it's unlikely I'm going to have children now. I'm O.K. with that, I don't think having children is the only thing that a woman can do with her life, Plus I've been so busy trying to sort myself out, everything I've done has really been an attempt to sort myself out. I am actually awed by people who can maintain long term relationships and are married, because somehow I just don't think that'll happen to me. It's weird because I want it but at the same time I don't. Every relationship I've been in I've somehow felt that I lost a part of who I was within it. Plus the only time I felt I was truly in love, my partner turned out to be a narcissist, and went from a kind of ideal, wonder boyfriend to a cruel manipulator. I was so confused when all of this ended, I was quite traumatised for a while and I haven't had a serious relationship since. I think it's a bit sad, but I don't know what I can do about it. I just keep trying to stride forwards in my life, and become a better person as much as I can. Still at my age, being single and with no children - I wonder about my situation and why I feel so different to others who seem to have these 'basic' things sorted out. As a woman in her 40's with no partner or children, society looks at you as 'low status' somehow. But then I've always felt different and a bit of an outsider. My remedy is to do things I enjoy, and make my life meaningful in that way, and to keep on trying to learn new things, also about myself.

Also I don't really feel that sorry for myself, just that these thoughts and feelings come up. I intend to have a great life, whatever the circumstances.

 

[Stu]

It seems that infjs are prone to being abused by narcissists. Forty two is half a life away from 28, there is little doubt that the woman you are today is way more than the woman you were then. When we are young we tend to gravitate to those who present as confident, clear and powerful. With experience we see bravado where we saw heroic. Sharing a life with someone is about making room for them where there is no room.

 

[Littlelissa]

It seems that infjs are prone to being abused by narcissists. Forty two is half a life away from 28, there is little doubt that the woman you are today is way more than the woman you were then. When we are young we tend to gravitate to those who present as confident, clear and powerful. With experience we see bravado where we saw heroic. Sharing a life with someone is about making room for them where there is no room.

Thank you @Stu, it wasn't at all obvious in the beginning, but looking back I can see more clearly the signs, like when he had his friends around and said "I am the best", like in a he man way- I laughed because I thought this obviously was irony...But joking aside it's a very complicated topic, it's not just about someone being conceited, when we met he seemed the absolute opposite of this. I really don't wan to come over as a victim, I know that isn't good and doesn't serve me. I know it would never happen to me again. I'm just acknowledging that it was quite a horrible experience.
I suppose the challenge for me is moving on and growing in myself- if there are no holes or gaping vulnerabilities, you attract healthier people, and can rat them out quickly if they do come along.

Yes your absolutely right about making room for people, that is true, I guess to that extent it can be a conscious choice. I think we have a choice to decide to grow and challenge problems we have.

 

[Bellosome]

In your opinion is it a particular challenge to find the right person to be with as an INFJ?

it is. i've only had two. the second one, i would consider as my mind and soul mate (he is an intj) but unfortunately, he lives on the other side of earth. and him being a Te and me as Fe.. we sometimes clash. i avoid conflicts he loves to argue. and him being logical makes me feel that my arguments are not important because its all "feelings" no facts to support and validate my point. there are more factors we argue about but those are the common ones. i'm a feeler, he's a thinker.

we both adjusted and accepted each others flaws but the distance made it hard for us. i have been single for 7 years before i tried it again.. and even though we had to break things off, i have never ever connected with anyone as much as i had with him and i dont think i'll ever give it another try again. im better off being single not because i am bitter about love, but because personally it just mess up my goals. i'm young, i have a long way to go.. i rather be alone than be with someone i dont really connect with and has different life goals than me just because i was pressured to do so.

 

[hn87c901]

Well, I don't know if there is something wrong with me but I've been single for 14 years. I am 42 so it's unlikely I'm going to have children now. I'm O.K. with that, I don't think having children is the only thing that a woman can do with her life, Plus I've been so busy trying to sort myself out, everything I've done has really been an attempt to sort myself out. I am actually awed by people who can maintain long term relationships and are married, because somehow I just don't think that'll happen to me. It's weird because I want it but at the same time I don't. Every relationship I've been in I've somehow felt that I lost a part of who I was within it. Plus the only time I felt I was truly in love, my partner turned out to be a narcissist, and went from a kind of ideal, wonder boyfriend to a cruel manipulator. I was so confused when all of this ended, I was quite traumatised for a while and I haven't had a serious relationship since. I think it's a bit sad, but I don't know what I can do about it. I just keep trying to stride forwards in my life, and become a better person as much as I can. Still at my age, being single and with no children - I wonder about my situation and why I feel so different to others who seem to have these 'basic' things sorted out. As a woman in her 40's with no partner or children, society looks at you as 'low status' somehow. But then I've always felt different and a bit of an outsider. My remedy is to do things I enjoy, and make my life meaningful in that way, and to keep on trying to learn new things, also about myself.

Also I don't really feel that sorry for myself, just that these thoughts and feelings come up. I intend to have a great life, whatever the circumstances.

Those in long term relationships as far as I can see just seem to have different problems.

 

[Littlelissa]

Those in long term relationships as far as I can see just seem to have different problems.

Yes, your right, that's worth remembering.

 

[Scientia]

There are benefits to being coupled such as always having a date and someone to be with when you need affection, support and intimacy. These are all great.

Downsides vary. If your partner is unhealthy mentally or emotionally, we tends to overlook many things when we are in love. Over time, these things become more evident.

Personally, I would rather be alone than with an unhealthy mate and since I don't trust my own judgement at the moment, alone it is.

 

[Sandie33]

Life's path is full of twists and turns. I'm not Cinderella...learned that lesson young. I am not Snow White...learned that lesson too. Neither am I Ursula nor Glenda...

I am me...all of me. Integrated pieces of a whole...masculine & feminine...a cold and warm balance...Confident in who, what and when I AM.

I scare/intimidate most men I meet.
After the initial infatuation moment fades and the situation fall's under the light I'm apt to walk away. It is not that I'm a perfectionist...far from it.

It is that I believe in love. Love through... good times and bad, sickness, job changes, empty pockets, hunger, passion, joy...through LIFE.

I have been a fixer of the broken...I've mended masculine heart's, and then sent them out into the world to be the best man they could be for some other woman. It's not that I don't want a relationship, love and romance, but rather I believe it is my destiny to walk my path alone.

I'm OK with that. It's the way I like it.

"to love someone gives one courage; to be loved by someone gives one strength"❤

 

[Scientia]

I have been a fixer of the broken...I've mended masculine heart's, and then sent them out into the world to be the best man they could be for some other woman. It's not that I don't want a relationship, love and romance, but rather I believe it is my destiny to walk my path alone.

I am so done with doing this. Unless I get licensed as a therapist and the guy pays me to fix him, I won't go anywhere near that broken stuff.