INFJ's - Have You Ever Been Massively Misunderstood by a Family Member or partner? | INFJ Forum

INFJ's - Have You Ever Been Massively Misunderstood by a Family Member or partner?

Dolcevita

Dolcevita

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Mar 17, 2012
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I have a few instances in my life where someone I love has and still does, have a massive discrepancy in what they say I am and who I really am. My brother thinks I'm a liar, narcissistic and a Debbie downer. I actually don't think I'm any of those things. I've gone to therapy and we worked on things but it wasn't close to his accusations. Recently my partner accused me of similar things. I'm actually a very selfless and loving person who probably speaks out too much instead of being tactful. sincerity comes very naturally to me in all things. I don't understand how someone so close to me can misunderstand me so much!!

I have heard INFJ's can be misunderstood. So I'm wondering if any other INFJs have experienced anything similar to me?
 
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I'm often misunderstood, and it can be alienating and/or awkward. The reaction I get depends on the other person's MBTI (and I'm starting to be able to group people more easily by there reactions.)

What did your therapist say?
 
I firmly believe that when it comes to relationships, there is always two sides to the story. You may very well be misunderstood, but you may also have blinders on and refuse/are unable to see that your family members have legitimate concerns.

I'm coming from a biased perspective here. You see, I am dealing with a close family member who is severely depressed and because of her depression, she has adopted a bit of a 'untouchable' mentality. You cannot point anything out to her because she will insist that she is a loving and compassionate person and because of the view she has of herself, she dismisses our concerns for how she has been behaving toward the family and the way she has been 'taking care of herself' as of late. In her eyes, any alternative point of view is a criticism or an attempt to circumvent her authority. It's like she expects everyone to challenge her, so even the most innocuous statement will be met with passive-aggression. She doesn't see things at face value. She sees it through a very negative filter. If we point this pattern out to her, we're the ones who are either deluded or selfish for giving her feedback on behaviour she refuses to either see or acknowledge as problematic.

Be careful. There are very few people, INFJ or otherwise, who do not see themselves as fundamentally good folks and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply 'misunderstanding.' It's part of the thing which we all have called The Ego and it always tends to skew things in our favour. Therefore, it's better to take all information as feedback and get a clear view on yourself before you go on thinking you're somehow the victim of the people around you.

I'm glad you're talking to your therapist. I'm sure he/she will be able to teach you the tools you need to see yourself and your situation clearly... and then judge if your family is really in the wrong here.
 
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IMO, anyone who makes hurtful derogatory remarks about who I am isn't worthy of my company.
 
Dolcevita said:
INFJ's - Have You Ever Been Massively Misunderstood by a Family Member or partner?
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Welp, I often do feel misunderstood. But in truth, there's always more that I could be doing to be more open, honest, and connected with my family. I'm just not capable of trusting certain members to a certain degree. Thus, it all depends. :)
 
I have often felt misunderstood. But I also really do have some personality problems. Sometimes the difficulty relating to people/being understood exacerbates my personality issues (temper, reclusiveness, over-sensitivity, rigidity in thinking etc). In other words, the two issues go hand in hand for me.
 
PintoBean said:
I have often felt misunderstood. But I also really do have some personality problems. Sometimes the difficulty relating to people/being understood exacerbates my personality issues (temper, reclusiveness, over-sensitivity, rigidity in thinking etc). In other words, the two issues go hand in hand for me.
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I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have personality problems of some sort. :)
 
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Depends on how tactless I am being in my delivery and whether or not I've put any thought into how other people are receiving me. Most of the time if I'm being misunderstood as an entire person its because I have shown myself to be one way under specific circumstances while I might be someone else completely the rest of the time.

It's not up to me to decide how other people perceive me. It's not up to me to decide how other people see or understand me. They can only make a judgement based on their own subjective point of view and whatever I say or do to feed that. Sometimes it's independent of me. Sometimes it's my own fault.
 
? ..... ?
 
SpecialEdition said:
Depends on how tactless I am being in my delivery and whether or not I've put any thought into how other people are receiving me. Most of the time if I'm being misunderstood as an entire person its because I have shown myself to be one way under specific circumstances while I might be someone else completely the rest of the time.

It's not up to me to decide how other people perceive me. It's not up to me to decide how other people see or understand me. They can only make a judgement based on their own subjective point of view and whatever I say or do to feed that. Sometimes it's independent of me. Sometimes it's my own fault.
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This says infjs.....
I am fully convinced at this point you are an intj. Emphasis on the te.
 
I've always gotten along well with my parents but I'm suuuuuperrrrrr lucky in that regard. They are some of the best people on the planet, somehow I was paired up with them thank god.

In relationships, generally I have to preface myself with "I am never attempting to cause you harm. Please call me out if you feel this is happening." And that resolves most issues. It's when I don't say anything and then later find out that people were misinterpreting what I say to a very great degree. It saddens me really because I just want to love on people. I wish more people would call me out because it teaches me how to rework things for the better. People that do get to know me always learn that I am basically a saint (shameless humble bragging).

#MyEntireLife
 
Wyote said:
#MyEntireLife
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this.

and I guess I am content that as long as I know who I am, whatever the rest of the population of this planet chooses to do with that or make of me is their prerogative, not mine. lol
 
I love it when someone understands me.
 
I've long given up on expecting others (mortal beings that is) to understand me. Because despite the INFJ thingy, us human persons really are walking enigmas, walking mysteries that transcend the totality of comprehension by other mortal beings. After all, no one can really know what it's like to be in your shoes - to feel the particular way you feel, to think your thoughts, experience the way you experience. Despite commonalities, distinctness is always there. We can't even know ourselves totally and completely - we are mysteries unto ourselves (though we may kid ourselves and claim we know ourselves completely), so how on earth can we expect others to understand us?

I've been there - seeking a sense of self-fulfillment and interior security based on the understanding of others. 'Tis a vain venture, and a house of cards, and it places what I call a God-expectation on mortal beings - expecting them to complete oneself or be like a god one can rely and depend on. My relationships have been freer and deeper since letting go of such an expectation to be understood. Respecting the mystery of the other is vital to a relationship built on trust and mutual understanding - an understanding that is based on the premise: "I can't know you fully, but I love that, and respect that." Often articulating this kind of awareness between two or more persons, about the mystery of each person, can help soften attitudes which place a burden on any kind of bond - to not expect to be fully understood by another, nor to fully understand another. It's a journey into the infinite which can never end. Since by mystery I don't mean something that can't be understood, but something which cannot be fully understood - there's always something more.

It is natural to want to be understood, and on some level it's vital for healthy relationships, it's just that a heavy expectation to be understood ironically poisons the well of being understood. Even now, I have that tendency to become upset, as all people do, when one is misunderstood. Yet I remind myself who am I kidding? I should be surprised if anyone ever does understand me. How often do I myself misunderstand others? More than I would be aware of. All in all, I find my sense of being understood elsewhere. I know I'm understood, even if no one else does, or even if I myself don't!
 
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I have been completely misunderstood by some people in my life and at the time I tried to figure what I had done and how I had contributed to their misunderstanding. Now those situations are far behind and I have gained some clarity and am at peace with who I am no matter what anybody else claims about me. I have realized that those people were very unhealthy and were projecting unto me some of their own unresolved issues. I was treated very unfairly. My biggest fault in those situations was to let them affect me more than I should have let them. Some of them have apologized to me years later after realizing that they were wrong. I have little time or respect for anybody who wants to tell me who I am and isn't willing to hear me or dismisses me when I tell them who I am. I listen to people and I don't belittle them by telling them that they don't know who they are. I expect the same treatment in return. I am now surrounding myself with people who are healthier and much better at two-way communication. I know who I am and don't have time to waste on anybody who tells me that they know who I am more than I do. That is abusive behaviour and it makes you start wondering if you are what they say. Now the people around me see who I am and believe me when I tell them...and they love me. It's a great feeling to be in mutually respectful relationships.
 
Not INFJ but I often feel misunderstood. It might happen though, because I can't present the matter clearly enough so other people may understand what I've said wrongly.
 
As [MENTION=14675]Night Owl[/MENTION] said, it is a vain method to expect the understanding of others in order to feel secure. I've also given up trying to be understood because it is dependent on others' ability to separate particular conversations, topics and types of dialogue in order to keep an open mind about who they are actually talking to. I have come to learn that explaining myself doesn't even create an understanding with the listener, they are still determined to 'prove me wrong' in some way. It is utterly hopeless. I am surprisingly efficient at analysing the motivations of others, and as soon as I realise they will never understand me for whatever reason, I give up conversation and either walk away or rival them in some sense of the word. We are all individuals that may look and sound alike, but are completely different animals in the mind, and we react to events and words differently based on the knowledge and perspectives we gain from personal experiences. I have probably only known a handful of people in my life that understand who I am and have properly judged me based on my actions and words, and that have took the time to listen to my case with an open mind.
 
[MENTION=13855]JJJA[/MENTION] you mention a poignant point. It's something that I've noticed for a long time. Especially a few years ago while studying several philosophy classes, I very quickly learnt to hardly open my mouth in the midst of class room 'debates'.

1) It was always a matter of semantics, on some level; as what one meant by this, another meant that etc., and hardly anyone was aware of this obstacle, simply assuming what they meant by a term was universally understood - making it near impossible to actually debate, for both parties to learn, and to advance towards a common ground (at least of understanding the other's POV).

2) I observed that not a single person, even the lecturer/s, were actually listening to (i.e. understanding) what the other person was saying, and so when it came time to respond or make a rebuttal, the assertion/s given did not really engage with what the other person said at all, but what they assumed beforehand or falsely perceived the other person said. One observes this in 90% of philosophical debates. Violence against straw men is rife. So besides internal ticking, and occasional input, I found myself whispering to the guy next to me - if I perceived his possibility of being on the same wave - as my means of expression.

This is an intensified microcosm of living in society. At least there's a few to whom one can whisper to in some kind of mutual understanding.
 
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Dolcevita said:
I have a few instances in my life where someone I love has and still does, have a massive discrepancy in what they say I am and who I really am. My brother thinks I'm a liar, narcissistic and a Debbie downer. I actually don't think I'm any of those things. I've gone to therapy and we worked on things but it wasn't close to his accusations. Recently my partner accused me of similar things. I'm actually a very selfless and loving person who probably speaks out too much instead of being tactful. sincerity comes very naturally to me in all things. I don't understand how someone so close to me can misunderstand me so much!!

I have heard INFJ's can be misunderstood. So I'm wondering if any other INFJs have experienced anything similar to me?
Click to expand...

Extroverts will think you are a narcissist because you don't give them enough attention (both in terms of time, and in terms of intensity). Sensors will think you are scheming because you plan ahead, and have complex motivations.

In any case, if there is a problem with you, I'd be looking at the pattern of relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic) that you find yourself in, and any consistent role you end up playing in those relationships.
 
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