INFJ with ESFJ Mother | INFJ Forum

INFJ with ESFJ Mother

Apr 11, 2012
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Hi guys, my mom is an ESFJ and I find her really controlling and difficult to have conversations with... It's because there's no intellectual depth in what we talk about... So I usually get bored with what we're saying and then she gets offended because her entire self worth is dependant on how she socialises with others, including me... So then I feel bad... How can I improve the relationship with her?
 
Well, I'll take a shot.
I don't think you can change yourself, other than knowing this will happen.
But trying to be compassionate on a forever basis would really exhaust me.
I just don't think you can change her, right, so it's not like it's going to get better. You just have to be sensitive and make it work and that just makes me commit suicide.


I think maybe if you get your fill of conversation from someone, two others, that could help. Your expectations would be lower and you probably only have room for so much anyway. At least it works that way for me. Huge capacity to delve into things, but I can do that with the ones I need that with, and have fairly empty conversations with the rest of the world. I'd be surprised if you had and endless desire. But the part where it's your mom and you want to connect with her, well make it about her. What does she need. To feel that you enjoy her time. Well there's a saying. Act as if.
The point being pretend until it becomes you. You will find a way to make it your own.

I sounds like you are seeking her out to be someone that fills your intellectual pursuits. She's not that. So do that before you talk to her and find a way to get from her what she has to offer.


I don't know. Sounds good. Easier said than done.
 
I'm in the exact same situation as you. INFJ with ESFJ mother.

One thing I didn't get for the longest time was that we operate on completely different levels. I could understand where she's coming from of course, but I didn't realize we communicate for different reasons. I always felt like she was trying to rush me, rolled over me by 'interpreting' what i said into action statements rather than considering it and responding back thoughtfully...

The truth is an ESFJ will always operate proactively, by trying to get stuff done. It's not often they can sit down and just talk about subjects to think about them, rather than trying to solve something. You just have to be very clear about what you need and where you're coming from, then be able to meet in the middle. It's not an easy place to reach with an ESFJ, but it's possible.
 
Hi guys, my mom is an ESFJ and I find her really controlling and difficult to have conversations with... It's because there's no intellectual depth in what we talk about... So I usually get bored with what we're saying and then she gets offended because her entire self worth is dependant on how she socialises with others, including me... So then I feel bad... How can I improve the relationship with her?
Welcome to ESFJs. The only way to improve yourself to become acceptable in their eyes is, apparently, to be just like them.

I wish you luck. I, after almost 22 years, have not yet discovered the solution to ESFJ moms.

Imagine your computer screen is the internet's brick wall and the following emote represents you for the rest of your mom's life: :m133: