INFJ with an ENTP best friend Problems | INFJ Forum

INFJ with an ENTP best friend Problems

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by omc123, Mar 9, 2015.

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  1. omc123

    omc123 Three

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    Hi Everyone,

    So I'm an INFJ with an ENTP best friend, both female. We met at the start of college about six months back, and hit it off immediately. We can have fun together, be serious together, rant, wonder, explore, and support one another with relative ease.

    About 70% of the time, our interactions are really wonderful, and I love our friendship. Trouble is, there are also times when I feel I cannot get far enough away from her. Most of the time when I dislike people, they're either morally problematic or uninteresting. This girl is neither.



    There's a certain narcissism in her that I just cannot stand. In her head, she's the smartest, most attractive, most laid back, cool, agreeable girl there is (though I'm fairly certain she thinks she masks this belief well). She strokes her own ego all the time, making subtly self-involved/aggrandizing comments and the like. She thinks I don't notice that she tilts her head to show her "good side" whenever a photo is taken. She also actively tries to appear far more different than she truly is. She involves herself with people, substances, music, clothing, etc. all to make herself appear more mature, alternative, or intellectual to the outside eye. Even though her ego is huge, she still needs this sort of extra affirmation, and feigns these qualities to receive it.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm all for marching to the beat of your own drum. But this is different for differences sake, and it's so fake it kills me. For someone who claims as most ENTPs would to be blunt and straightforward, she's often not quite genuine, and doesn't quite understand herself as well as she thinks she does.

    As we get closer and I understand her better, this part of her is getting harder to ignore. While it's not inherently wrong, it churns my stomach in a way very few things do. I'm not sure if I see a way forward in the relationship, despite how much I enjoy it sometimes. My frustration just keeps mounting, and all I can think to do to fix it is insist in some dramatic outburst that she change herself....and we all know how that goes xD


    Anyone else have similar experiences with an ENTP? Any advice on how to deal with her, or myself?

    Thanks guys!
     
    #1 omc123, Mar 9, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2015
  2. ElizabethRose

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    This was rather amusing to read as my boyfriend is an entp and does many of the same things. I'll lay it straight to ya (just like an entp haha): they're not going to change. No matter what you say or do or how many good points you have, it'll stay the same. They might change things for a little while to make you happy but in a few weeks it's right back to normal like it never happened. Honestly I can see why you would think that she's fake I probably would too but she's not. Well, not mostly anyways, not any more than me or you. The question in my mind is does she want someone else's approval or her own? Actually, I kind of already know the answer. It's her own. Two things tell me this 1. We only ever need our own approval: once we have that we stop seeking everyone else's. 2. Entps seek improvement in every way honing their skills to the sharpest point and even that isn't good enough. Now this may be something as simple as posing correctly for a picture or as determined as working out all the time. It's just the way that they are.

    The best way I know how to help you is to recommend a book that changes my life every day. Please believe me when I say that you will wish you read this book when you were five and again every year after that. It's called 'loving what is' by Byron Katie. If you want to keep your friend and feel better about her quirks order this book IMMEDIATELY. You can get it from a library but it's nice to have your own copy.
    For your friend (though I have a feeling she won't want to read a self help book-it's not usually their type of thing. But you know her better than me, so) I'd recommend 'I need your love-is that true?' By the same woman. I would practically worship this lady and read her grocery lists. The cheesy titles are worth it and both of them continue to change me all the time.

    That's all the advice I have! If you have any other questions, please ask!
     
  3. ruji

    ruji Aloof Nihilist

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    Yup. Sounds like ENTP to me.
    That's all I got for this thread: h8erade
     
  4. cvp12gh5

    cvp12gh5 What a lovely way to burn...

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    You're 19, which means she probably falls within that age bracket. Therefore, to say that "she doesn't understand herself quite as well as she thinks she does" comes as no surprise for someone in this age group.

    You felt the need to mention that "she tilts her head to show her good side whenever a photo is taken". I find this strange. It bothers you that she wants to look good in the photo? I think there is more going on here. Maybe jealousy. Probably jealousy.

    Anyhow, I think you should do her a favor and end your friendship. If your concern for her insecurities was that innocent, you would have talked to her about it by now.

    I don't think she is the one that needs to change...
     
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  5. barbad0s

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    Any type that has Si and weak feeling I've found does this.

    I guess you have to ask yourself what type of friend she is to you. If you truly care about her, then you probably want her to improve and understand herself as a person and not have her habits get her into trouble for some reason in the future. At the same time, you have to try your best to understand her and be compassionate towards her as she is now.

    I think that you should wait until something builds up. Either to a level where you cannot tolerate it, or to where her behaviour is becoming a problem in some situation. That will naturally allow for an opportunity for bringing up discussion. Bring up calmly that you value your friendship with her a lot but that you feel drained by certain behaviours of hers. Offer her to give you input on it, on her point of view, and what she thinks, and reassure her that you don't mean to create a rift in the relationship but are trying to instill greater harmony.

    But you know, at the same time, you are the same age she is, and it's unlikely that you know yourself very well either, in spite of how much better at it you may believe you are or feel you are compared to your friend.

    Try to see things from her point of view. Perhaps she does it to entertain herself. Perhaps she does it because she feels that other people expect her to fill a particular social role. Perhaps she feels the need to act in that way so that she doesn't have to be in direct contact with her deeper vulnerable feelings and insecurities about herself. You don't know. If she's not being rude to you, then do your best to be compassionate to her. If you draw on your power to be open minded and overcome your differences in coping with things for the virtue of developing kinship, then I'm sure in time this is something that she will recognize you have been doing, and greatly appreciate it.
     
  6. OP
    omc123

    omc123 Three

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    @ Anywhere but here, To clarify, I'm not saying she absolutely needs to change. All I'm saying is that she has this set of characteristics that I have a viscerally difficult time coping with. The sort of outburst I mentioned is more an exaggerated boiling over of emotions, not an actual conviction. It's a matter of honesty, and of figuring out how to reconcile differences (or not). Granted, I wrote the post in the heat of a moment, so it came out a bit more vitriolic and haughty (which is a poor habit I fall into when I'm upset) then I might've liked it to. As for the photo thing, it bothers me mostly because it falls into the same obsessive pattern of needing to perceived a certain way-- a very tangible outcome of that sort of behavior, which tends to rub me the wrong way. Anyways, the jealousy comment was interesting, I'll have to think that one over a bit.

    @ niffer, I really appreciate your comment. Thank you so much for your compassion and advice. I agree that a bit more empathy might be the key. I also like what you said about waiting for something really concrete to raise any sort of issue. I do have a bit of a hard time compartmentalizing that sort of weighty conversation into a discussion of some isolated incident, but you're right, it's more rational and likely more productive. I've read that ENTP's tend to do quite well with honest and constructive confrontation, but I guess I have a hard time believing that. Being so confrontation-averse myself, it's hard to imagine that anyone could be so unfazed by something so personal and potentially critical. I guess we'll see... Anyways thank you!
    [MENTION=36]Elizabeth[/MENTION] Rose, I'm glad at least one person understands--hope everything's going well with your ENTP! . I'll be sure to look into the book, though I'm not sure I'd feel too comfortable going and gifting someone else a self-help book... Resting bitch face I can do, but that'd be a whole other league of passive aggression xD.
     
  7. drummergirlbk

    drummergirlbk Community Member

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    My brother is ENTP and shares a lot of those traits. A lot of times when he is talking and trying to inflate his ego I resort to nodding to whatever he says and zoning out, pretending I'm listening.
     
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  8. bossman80

    bossman80 Newbie

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    I think you might be mistaking confidence for narcissism. Does she inherently go out of her way to make you feel bad about yourself? Does she put you down? Or does her tendency to think highly of herself rub salt into the wound of your own insecurities? If she does put you down then you ought to put her in her place. Otherwise, I don't see the harm in her loving herself. So she thinks she shits rainbows and you don't. Big deal.

    On the flip side, from experience with an ENTP relative, she's probably well aware of what you think of her and is trolling you by exaggerating her self perception to piss you off. It's in their nature to push buttons.
     
    #8 bossman80, Apr 18, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2015
  9. roizier

    roizier Newbie

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    You 2 are only 19 years old. She is probably on the mend of changing into an adult mentally. Maybe her tastes in clothes and music are changing. Its like her teenage and adult brain are at odds with the each other in a "push and pull" sense. Her adult brain telling her to do this but her teen brain is telling her to do that. It seems like she is being an adult around you but her teen brain is like I have to be around the "cool kids" in a "High School Sense" because her teen brain is telling her to do that. You say 70% of the time you like her so I think her adult decision making is with her 2/3rd's of the time but the other third of the time its like hey I want to be a teen again and be in High School. Again not her fault its her teen brain that is telling her to do that. I think she is leaning obviously towards hanging around people like yourself and is moving away from the "Cool Kids' in a "High School Sense" as I put it.

    The narcissm is different you should tell her look " I like your friendship but I don't like when you make this or that comment, it hurts me". "She will say ok" and that will be it hopefully. If she does not listen to your concerns though I would cut her off as a friend.
     
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