INFJ men, what do you find attractive in a mate? | INFJ Forum

INFJ men, what do you find attractive in a mate?

Oct 18, 2009
So I got back from a brief date today and I was thinking to myself, "Self, I don't really know if I found any of this woman attractive. Why did we go on a date?"

To give you a brief history and bio about myself:

I haven't really done a whole lot of "dating" until the past year and a half or so. Previously, most of the women I met were either rebound relationships or relationships that started because the woman had a huge crush on me (it's the INFJ "mystery" that does it, I think ;D). But I never really gave a lot of thought on what about their personalities made me quiver inside; it was mostly based on looks. I suppose that's not too far from most men, but as I age I notice that I'm looking less at looks and more at personality (not that looks don't matter to me, I'm a guy). I also noticed that when I was with these women, they were my entire life. The latter is something that has completely changed, and now I'm not quite sure what does it for me anymore.

Now that I have confidence in myself (and to those INFJs who feel like they're drifting, I highly suggest seeing a good psychotherapist... it did me a world of good!), I'm finding that I have met very few women who have had enough zing to make me want to spend less time on myself and my hobbies, and more time with them. I do have an ENTP pen-pal who lives in New York who really fits the bill, but she's in New York (and a bit older than me, which I think might be an issue too) and I'm in Chicago.

I will say that extroverted women really turn me on. For me, I really do think that ENTP is the way to go, as long as they're not too crass (a trait I've noticed in ENTPs in general, barring my pen-pal of course). My New York friend and I talked for about nine-hours straight via IM when we first met, and have kept in regular communication for the past year or so. I like the fact that I don't feel any pressure with an ENTP, and love how they always have a mind full of great ideas. I think the P and the J really compliment each other. And, personally, after some very flaky relationships I'd rather be with a woman who is more rational (NT) than idealistic (NF).

What do you guys think? What sort of successful INFJ->? relationships are currently out there?
First some background on myself:

I have been single for 8 years (since late 2001). The woman in my last relationship really broke my heart. Not a month ago I finally opened up to another woman which I truly thought was "the one." I will describe her later. I have been single for so long because I am obviously an introvert, most of the people I hang out with are married, the town I live in doesn't have anything but bars for places to go. There are not many women in town that I find attractive, and the ones that I do actually find attractive are either intellectually challenged or already taken. Then again, I haven't been in any rush to enter into another relationship until I get my own problems figured out.

The woman I fell for had a great sense of humor that was quite witty and really made me crack up. We could literally derail a topic and keep it going for days back and forth cracking each other up. She was quite intelligent and I found her attractive. We are all superficial to an extent, looks are important, but I find that the personality can enhance the attractiveness so much. She seemed honestly good natured and had two beautiful daughters. However, her situation was quite complicated and her heart was broken, so she was in no place to love yet. I asked her if I should wait and she said no so I am going to assume it won't happen until I hear otherwise. She seemed to know me without trying. Obviously she asked about me and my life, but my core she seemed to know instantly.

A perfect match?
For me personally, and believe me my standards are WAY too high! Attractive to me, into metal as well as various other music. Intelligent and witty enough to captivate me. A great sense of humor. Romantic enough to be moved by my attempts at crappy romance. :p Good natured (IMPORTANT) high morals and loyal. A woman that is not afraid to tell me when something is bothering her, and able to do so in a calm manner. A woman that is willing to listen to me when I have a problem and I address it in a calm manner. I want a woman that is aware and feels sympathy for the suffering of the world. A woman that doesn't take for granted living in a country with the luxuries we have, yet is political enough to understand we need to put pressure on those corrupt entities that seek to take it all away.

I think those are the most important things to me.
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