[INFJ] INFJ males please help a desperate INFP

[Sehnsucht]

I have posted this thread also in the INFP forum, however I figured that it makes more sense to post it on here.


I met my INFJ in March this year. I wasn't too sure about him him in the beginning because I still had feelings for another guy I liked. However we still ended up getting together because this INFJ was so determined he wanted to be with me and wouldn't take no for an answer.
He was so different to me, I found it hard to form a mental/emotional connection with him. I kept pointing this out to him, that we were too different to be together, but he would take my hands and gently reassure me that it was ok.

I work as a mental health nurse and have been qualified for just over ten months. I have been together with my INFJ for 6 months and for the last 5 months I have been working night shifts. This was due to a shortage of qualified staff on my ward and I have been desperately trying to get the manager to put me back on days/give me another qualified staff. For the last 2 months I have been left in charge as the only qualified staff on the ward. I work in a highly demanding female forensic unit. I have nurses who refuse to come over to help on my ward as it is notorious for alarms going off (we all have carry a safety alarm). Every night was the same, some patients would be crying and some would be threatening to harm themselves/others. One of the patients would love to stay up all night just to give staff hell. I have been assaulted by her twice, so really hate being around her at night.

I also started having insomnia, sleeping for 2-4 hours everyday before my 12 hour shifts. It was so depressing, I would lie in bed for hours waiting for my alarm to go off. I was constantly tired and afraid that I was going to make med errors due to not having a second qualified with me. Medication round is always busy, I have 13 patients on meds and some of them don't even turn up so I have to go and prompt them to come. One tiny mistake such as giving paracetamol to a patient who has not been written up for it (usually its doctors forgetting to sign it on the med chart) can land me in trouble with the managers and pharmacy team. I was tired from hearing, "you're doing really well! Just keep up the good work." I felt trapped and was on the verge of mental breakdown.

I felt so alone and down about everything. I tried talking to my INFJ about it but felt that he could not understand the amount of stress I was under. He works as scientist/researcher, however lost his position in June due to funding issues. So I guess he was pretty stressed out over his situation too. However I guess the difference was I felt like I had no where to go and felt like a lot of people depended on me. I did think about resigning but had 3 weeks worth of leave booked in November and was also worried about both myself and my partner being unemployed at the same time as well.

The sad thing about my workplace is that I hardly get any time to myself. People are constantly asking for me. There are days when I don't even get a chance to use the toilet! Also, there's the constant worry of " Did I miss anything? Have I done the reports? Crap when is the deadline? Shit did I hand that over? "
I also started having mood swings. I became ultra sensitive to things. I took it all out on my lovely INFJ. I became jealous over stupid things and would threaten to break up with him. I also had a go at him over little insignificant things. I was irrational and despite knowing that I was pushing him away i didn't do anything about it. I couldn't. All I could think about was work. I felt like a child again, all I wanted to do was run away and hide.

Finally last week, my manager agreed to put me back on days and has given me some days off work to recharge. The first thing I thought of doing was to see my INFJ and to apologise to him. I wanted to make it up to him and was going to surprise him with a holiday for his birthday in November. But it was too late. He told me that his feelings for me has crumpled away. He no longer wants to stay with me. He feels drained and unmotivated and wishes to concentrate on himself for now. I asked him if there was anything I could do to change his mind and he said he wasn't sure. He kept asking me questions like what was my happiest memory of being with him and why I wanted to stay with him. It kills me that he won't give me one last chance to make things right. I know I mentioned earlier about not having that special connection with him but I love my INFJ.

I went to see him on Friday and when I got there, he wrapped his arms around me without saying anything. I ended up crying a bit but this was not to guilt trip him into getting back together with me. He held my hands and told me that it was dangerous for me to be with him at the moment. I asked him why and he said that he might end up hurting me a lot. He told me that he was starting to notice people (girls) around him. This came as a huge shock to me as we only officially broke up the night before. We agreed before we got together that we would wait at least 3 months before entering into a new relationship/going back on dating game with other people.
He also advised me to have a look around and to meet new people (as in potential dates). A part of me died inside - I told him that if he starting seeing other people in the romantic sense then that would be completely over for us.
Then he suggested that we could stay friends as "I still care about you a lot." I told him that being friends was out of the question as it would really mess with my head. He asked me not to block him on my phone in case one day he wants to see me again. I told him that this was not fair and that I was not going to wait around for him to find some other girl. If he had asked me to give him time to think because he wanted to concentrate on finding work or spending time with his friends then that would have been ok. He explained that he "needed to be single again" in order to find out how he feels about me because at the moment his feelings are muted. When I told him no again, he started looking sad saying that "it doesn't mean I will get with them...I just need some time to do a bit of soul searching".
I still love him and it breaks my heart that he is already thinking about moving on.

I know from what he has told me in the past, he does tend to move on from relationships quite quickly. However he has also told me he loved me about 2 months ago and that I was the most important person to him... Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do?

 

[academia123]

Hi there,

I encountered a more or less similar experience a year ago although he's a friend, not a lover or a boyfriend. I mentally went through every little conversation, every little thing that I said and scanned through every error. It caused me huge emotional breakdown in the process. So.. Hugs.. You need it.

Your story brought the same pang in my heart. Here is my answer to your question:

. Accept things as they are. We make mistakes. We all do. Love doesn't mean that we don't make mistake. It means we learn and try to do our best to our loved ones. I don't know what happened but it sounds so similar. So here is what I mentally said to myself everytime I felt the inner sadness. "It's okay I'm good. Just do the best for him from now on. Can't change anything in the past. You didn't do it out of bad intention." Hell, I don't know if you did anything wrong. most of the time we, infps tend to look inwards and scan for our faults first when we have troubles with our loved ones and try our best to improve it. its like "why does he shut down and become very stiff and cold?" And then we mentally went thourgh everything and "oh maybe because I said this and did this and thats why it hurt him." We mind-guess evrything and become literally crazy doing it. So, please stop. Its okay. I did make mistakes too but I'm still that strong loveable person well-deserved of love and capable of loving someone deeply. You do too. No man can say otherwise. period. No man can make you think otherwise too regardless of what he doesn't or didn't say.

.The infjs will not reveal more (in my case anyway). An attempt to coerce him in revealing more will mean to disrespect his space. Why he did this, why he decided this way or that, what happened, what he felt.. if you have asked and got no answer, means he doesn't want to say it out loud. Love him and respect that decision. Let it go and give him space. I think thats the best thing we could do.


.you are a creature of love so give it out. be happy. if he does'nt want it then its okay, love him by not forcing him into anything. Return your focus to love the ppl you love and do it fiercely and in such a way to warm our hearts. Those that are accepting of our love. Parents, kids, friends, patients, coworkers.. anybody. It will take the edge off and to remind ourselves, we are strong beings. This will take the edge off your heartbreak.



PS infjs are crazy like that. It drives me crazy reading your story. "he wrap[ped his arms around me without saying anything" They are good and warm hearted but at the same time firm and decisive. And we never know what or why or what goes through their mind and their hearts. Till today I still feel the pang. Although not as often as before. But that's okay.

Another PS: Ever since I was young, I have a person by myside that knows all my worst clingy angry whiny self. My mood swings. Every inch of my bad character. But he never wavered. He can get angry, can get frustrated at me but never stopped loving me. And I thank God everyday for that kind of person. might not have the emotional depth like all infjs. His love is simpler but strong and is my bedrock.

I hope this helps.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Hi there,

I encountered a more or less similar experience a year ago although he's a friend, not a lover or a boyfriend. I mentally went through every little conversation, every little thing that I said and scanned through every error. It caused me huge emotional breakdown in the process. So.. Hugs.. You need it.

Your story brought the same pang in my heart. Here is my answer to your question:

. Accept things as they are. We make mistakes. We all do. Love doesn't mean that we don't make mistake. It means we learn and try to do our best to our loved ones. I don't know what happened but it sounds so similar. So here is what I mentally said to myself everytime I felt the inner sadness. "It's okay I'm good. Just do the best for him from now on. Can't change anything in the past. You didn't do it out of bad intention." Hell, I don't know if you did anything wrong. most of the time we, infps tend to look inwards and scan for our faults first when we have troubles with our loved ones and try our best to improve it. its like "why does he shut down and become very stiff and cold?" And then we mentally went thourgh everything and "oh maybe because I said this and did this and thats why it hurt him." We mind-guess evrything and become literally crazy doing it. So, please stop. Its okay. I did make mistakes too but I'm still that strong loveable person well-deserved of love and capable of loving someone deeply. You do too. No man can say otherwise. period. No man can make you think otherwise too regardless of what he doesn't or didn't say.

.The infjs will not reveal more (in my case anyway). An attempt to coerce him in revealing more will mean to disrespect his space. Why he did this, why he decided this way or that, what happened, what he felt.. if you have asked and got no answer, means he doesn't want to say it out loud. Love him and respect that decision. Let it go and give him space. I think thats the best thing we could do.


.you are a creature of love so give it out. be happy. if he does'nt want it then its okay, love him by not forcing him into anything. Return your focus to love the ppl you love and do it fiercely and in such a way to warm our hearts. Those that are accepting of our love. Parents, kids, friends, patients, coworkers.. anybody. It will take the edge off and to remind ourselves, we are strong beings. This will take the edge off your heartbreak.



PS infjs are crazy like that. It drives me crazy reading your story. "he wrap[ped his arms around me without saying anything" They are good and warm hearted but at the same time firm and decisive. And we never know what or why or what goes through their mind and their hearts. Till today I still feel the pang. Although not as often as before. But that's okay.

Another PS: Ever since I was young, I have a person by myside that knows all my worst clingy angry whiny self. My mood swings. Every inch of my bad character. But he never wavered. He can get angry, can get frustrated at me but never stopped loving me. And I thank God everyday for that kind of person. might not have the emotional depth like all infjs. His love is simpler but strong and is my bedrock.

I hope this helps.

You realise she only ever posted twice on this forum, more than three months ago.

But since you have only posted four times in the five months since you joined the forum, it might have missed your attention.

 

[MrSquared]

PS infjs are crazy like that. It drives me crazy reading your story. "he wrapped his arms around me without saying anything"

I've actually done this with most of my exes. Don't get me wrong, in that moment, I always wished that things could've worked out. BUT, my Ti keeps me grounded since I know exactly what the relationship would entail and where it would end up. That being said. I still care. I always will.

The main deterrent for me, in these kinds of moments... Is the difference of perception. AKA "Something has happened in the relationship that holds a great deal of weight with me." Thus, my faith in the mutual future we had once shared together was shaken so vigorously, that I feel called to act. This is especially present if I feel like the other person doesn't understand THE MEANING behind what I'm talking about.

IE: My ISFJ ex had many habitual traits which I couldn't deal with. I recognized this, realized the years of counseling which would be needed on both sides, and asked her to acknowledge the same. When she expressed that she felt like nothing was wrong with our relationship, and asserted that she would just "deal with" whatever it was once we were locked in together... I decided to depart from the relationship.