Infj girlfriend

[Ixsportu2er]

Okay, I'm an entp and I've been dating an infj for a few months now. Everything is going great, but I've been getting really jealous because, she's had a very... I wouldn't say colorful past, but she's been in REALLY serious relationships. 4 year one, a 3 year one and even her short ones were really intense. She shared a lot with these guys and it bothers me because even though I've been with more people than her, I never got as close to them as she did her own (nowhere near) in one of them, she was pretty much married to the guy. That relationship was about a year ago, and she's still upset about it, because he broke up with her.

Now, I guess the issues I'm having is that I really don't trust people very well, and an infj is perfect for that reason because you guys are naturally trust worthy, but what makes me insecure is that she cheated on this guy that was really close to her. It wasn't just that simple, he was an intj who was into his chemistry and school more than her, and it was long distance. But what makes me super insecure was that the intj was everything that I'm not, driven, diligent, he made good grades, he worked out a lot, we look completely different, and his beliefs matched hers. His family was perfect for hers and I'm not even close to my family.

I'm never ever insecure, and this is the first time in my life where I am. She says that I'm better and whatever but then she still gets nervous if she's in a part of town where she might see him, she still gets upset about him, she still thinks that she wasn't good enough for him. He seemed perfect and she cheated on him

Also, she is really pretty and has a lot suitors. A lot of guys text her and she has a lot of guy friends and they all text her and she says every guy is boring compared to me, but I don't even see why she finds me entertaining/attractive, she never gives me a concrete reason. I know I should trust an infj, and I do trust her, but how do I compete with her ex-intj love.

What I'm looking for is explanations of why an infj would cheat. Yes, I know all INFJs are different I'm not here for that discussion. Why INFJs need the attention of multiple guys? (She said that's why she still likes all the guys texting her because she likes the attention). Should I feel insecure? Or am I being stupid? Why would an infj prefer a irresponsible, poor, crazy entp over a stable, diligent, rich with a good family, pre-med intj? (Me and him really are complete opposites) and he was religious and she's religious too. And I'm agnostic. I guess I just feel so different from what she's dated before

 

[Feelings]

She must be very young. She seems unstable and insecure as fuck.

OK the reason why a person (particularly female) cheats is because they are not happy with their relationship. They desperately want something, starving for it, but are not getting it. So they get it from someone else.

She keeps a troupe of guys within reach so that they bombard her with validation all day every day? That's really fucked up.

I don't think you can trust her. She's too unstable to really be reliable or loyal to you. But if your objective is to make her not cheat, then you're going to have to care for her needs/desires very well.

And it seems to me she is really desperate for SOMETHING. To go through several really intense relationships, probably with very little space in between them. With the cheating and keeping all those guys vying for her attention around.

 

[Faye]

If you have her typed correctly and yourself typed correctly, then the answer why she likes you is simple: you're an ENTP. ENTPs are INFJs partners in crime. Even if you're not a studious pre-med student, you still have the humor, personality, etc. that she must adore.

As for her being close with guys in the past: that is not necessarily a bad thing because it means she can and probably wants to be close to you.

The fact that she is not over this other guy is highly disturbing though. How long were they apart before she got with you? The fact that she cheated is also not good because it has to make you wonder whether she would cheat on you or not.

An INFJ girl would cheat for the same reasons that any other girl would cheat, which means that they do not value their partner and want to find pleasure with someone else. This makes me question whether or not she is really an INFJ or whether there is something wrong with her because one of the defining characteristics of the INFJ personality is that we highly value relationships, and basically our partner, along with friends and family (especially children), is the most important aspect of our lives.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I think that in asking the internet for potential explanations as to why an infj would cheat will serve only to stir the pot of your insecurity.

If there's something that she likes about you and she's not concrete about it, my armchair opinion (I kind of hate typology) is that she's a feeler, so don't put too much pressure on her to itemize that.

If she's not emotionally done with her ex, well, it is what it is. You two are just dating though, right? So don't get ahead of yourself.

Be wary of excess when it comes to expressing insecurity (to her) about proving that she likes you.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

The fact that she is not over this other guy is highly disturbing though. How long were they apart before she got with you? The fact that she cheated is also not good because it has to make you wonder whether she would cheat on you or not.

An INFJ girl would cheat for the same reasons that any other girl would cheat, which means that they do not value their partner and want to find pleasure with someone else. This makes me question whether or not she is really an INFJ or whether there is something wrong with her because one of the defining characteristics of the INFJ personality is that we highly value relationships, and basically our partner, along with friends and family (especially children), is the most important aspect of our lives.

Like 8 months, but she dated a guy in between, and it does make me scared, but I'm happy that she told me. I'm glad she trust me enough to tell me those things.

And the cheating thing... I was wondering the same thing kinda, but she said she was trying to let go, and be more ENFP or something to that extent, I mean, I believe her, It just still scares me a lot. Even though, I've cheated on multiple occasions (not on her, with different girlfriends) But with that respect, I definitely think people can change... Idk Because Honestly, all of my other girlfriends were "toys" and I've finally found someone that I actually WANT/NEED to be with.

 

[SpilledMilk]

Same girl?

Hehe. Maybe the good sex puts you way above all her other "suitors".

And maybe it's got really nothing to do with her. Maybe she's just really, really into you and would never ever think to stray. Maybe it's projection - that your cheatin' bastard past has finally caught up to your conscience.

 

[MikeA]

I don't think you can trust her.

This.

Trusting someone, anyone, is your only mistake.

Sounds to me like she's manipulating you into thinking the way you do now just to keep you off balance and insecure because of her own imbalance and insecurity. Mentally handicapped women tend to do that. I would dump her on the first sign of it, and instead find myself someone who doesn't treat me like her cousin twice removed.

 

[Radiantshadow]

Broach the subject with her, if you haven't already.
If she truly is that insecure, leave - it isn't probable to be worth the trouble.
If it is something that can be healthily resolved, explain the entirety of your perspective;
being a kind of third wheel is never fun nor fair.

In any event, unknown faces from the internet can only go off of what you give,
any advice is limited.

 

[acd]

This.

Trusting someone, anyone, is your only mistake.

Sounds to me like she's manipulating you into thinking the way you do now just to keep you off balance and insecure because of her own imbalance and insecurity. Mentally handicapped women tend to do that. I would dump her on the first sign of it, and instead find myself someone who doesn't treat me like her cousin twice removed.

No. That's not the way it works. You should be able to trust people. Without trust, it is impossible to have a legitimately satisfying relationship with someone. Look at what you are doing now @OP.. worrying about what she *might* do because you are comparing yourself to her past boyfriends. That's all in the past!

You're not really able to enjoy her, how could you possibly appreciate someone you are constantly worried is going to hurt you? You don't need her. You'll live without her, Sounds like you want her because she's just out of reach--because you can't trust her. If you really like her, take a leap of faith and trust her--or just end it, because ultimately your relationship is doomed without trust.

 

[mochi]

what makes me insecure is that she cheated on this guy that was really close to her.

Also, she is really pretty and has a lot suitors. A lot of guys text her and she has a lot of guy friends and they all text her and she says every guy is boring compared to me, but I don't even see why she finds me entertaining/attractive, she never gives me a concrete reason. I know I should trust an infj, and I do trust her, but how do I compete with her ex-intj love.

What I'm looking for is explanations of why an infj would cheat. Yes, I know all INFJs are different I'm not here for that discussion. Why INFJs need the attention of multiple guys? (She said that's why she still likes all the guys texting her because she likes the attention). Should I feel insecure? Or am I being stupid?

I find it surprising she's an INFJ, to be honest... But I guess types shouldn't define people.

All I know is that you shouldn't trust her. Just because she typed as an INFJ, doesn't make her less of a cheater or flirt. I don't think it is going to change either. You are not being stupid by feeling insecure. But, I have a feeling if you stay with this girl, you will be feeling like that throughout the relationship, and that's something no one should have to go through. And, if she's is comparing you to other guys, that is really not right. It sounds like she has all these guys around for her own amusement/ego. I don't think she's over her ex, and she sounds like she's using you in order to boost her own deflated pride after he left her. I really don't know the whole story, so I'm sorry if I spoke out of turn. But I just can't stand people like that. Like I said, I don't know her though, so I will try to not make any more assumptions.

Why do you like her? If she has a good quality that is worth this, it may be worth trying to talk to her/work it out. But, if it is because of her looks (I'm not trying to imply that it is, I'm guessing by the way you described her she is gorgeous, and a part of why she is the way she is), then she's not worth it.

 

[acd]

We don't know enough about her to determine whether or not she's trust worthy.

 

[the]

Maybe I missed it but, what does she say about it?

 

[Miarz]

I find it surprising she's an INFJ, to be honest... But I guess types shouldn't define people.

All I know is that you shouldn't trust her. Just because she typed as an INFJ, doesn't make her less of a cheater or flirt.

She sounds like a very broken INFJ. Her past sounds very similar to mine.
I was in several "long durational" relationships that were based on looking after people. So much so that I felt the only way to "help" them or "look after" them was to date them. This could be the very reason why she cheated in her previous relationship as she was searching for something that would make her happy as she would have put all her time and energy into helping other people and making them happy and have forgotten about her needs.

In response to her feeling nervous going to the same area that her ex will be. INFJs rarely stop caring about people and they find it difficult to say no. I imagine she's fearful of running into him and that she will feel obligated to fulfill a need... Eg. Coffee, talk etc.

It is a good sign that she is being open and honest about it to you as it displays that she does have moral principles. Keeping you informed of her every move, I think, means that she is also fearful of repeating the same mistake. It's a way to keep herself in check. "someone knows about it so I can't get away with it" also a sign she respects you and your feelings.

If I was the INFJ in this situation I would like my partner to come to me with concerns that they have.. But don't continuously bring it up has it will start to get draining and the insecurity will make you less appealing. I hate continuously reassuring people about their insecurities(the same one) and repeating things to people who don't learn.
Also, the fact that she is talking to you about her hurt means she probably wants you to listen to her vent without offering the solution... As difficult as it may be to listen to her troubles of her ex... Just listen and let her cry in your arms it will probably make her feel better.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

Same girl?

Hehe. Maybe the good sex puts you way above all her other "suitors".

And maybe it's got really nothing to do with her. Maybe she's just really, really into you and would never ever think to stray. Maybe it's projection - that your cheatin' bastard past has finally caught up to your conscience.

Yes, same girl.

And that sounds plausible maybe. But *shrug* I don't want that to be my defining attribute. You know?

And honestly, this could be true, I guess I find a moment in my life where cheating isn't an option and I don't want to do it, and now it all of a sudden bothers me? Who knows?

 

[Ixsportu2er]

I'm trying not to bring it up anymore... it just constantly feels like something is missing... Like I want something to be said to make me feel better about this. I've never really ever felt insecure in a relationship or about much in my life, every once in a while, i'll be concerned with looks for a while, but this is ridiculous.

Its like, every time I bring it up, I'm expecting her to say something different about it, like the situation will change or something. I don't know, I guess I've never been scared of getting hurt.

Also... I have more questions now, but I think I will start a new post! thanks for all the opinions!!!

 

[Bird]

You shouldn't trust an INFJ, you should trust a person.

Thus far she hasn't given you any reason to distrust
her.


I think maybe the real issue here is that you don't
feel good enough for her. You do not think you
are good enough for her.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

You shouldn't trust an INFJ, you should trust a person.

I trust her as a person! I don't trust he because she's an INFJ, I just know that INFJs are really trust worthy, NATURALLY. I trust her regardless of her MBTI type, she just seems like a really trust worthy person.

It's just the past that scares me.

And the circumstances of that.

 

[wonderer12]

You say you trust this girl... but you still express fear. It sounds to me like, really, you think it's legitimate to trust her-- that that is logical and reasonable to do so-- but that you aren't really feeling it. Classic rational-vs-emotional split. Or maybe you're trying to fool yourself into believing she's trustworthy. Either way, you've got some internal disagreements going over this girl (not exactly an uncommon problem, but still something to be considered carefully).

But put all this aside for a sec.

The end all, be all question: Is she worth it?

If you hesitate, then the answer's no.

 

[justeccentricnotinsane]

Ok. You're both insecure. You're insecure because of the way she's acting, she's acting that way because she's insecure.

I actually don't think it's ok for her to just "like the attention" because it's not really that fair on you. If she needs attention she is insecure. She sounds young. She needs to realise that her insecurity can be managed in different ways that do not affect others.

Now, I used to get shaky when I thought I might see an ex again. It's not because I liked them, though. It's because they split up with me. Thus I feel that I have failed, made a mistake, I'm embarrassed that I screwed up, I feel inferior etc. That shakiness probably has more to do with how she feels about herself than him.

BUT! Once a cheater always a cheater. Sorry. The reason people cheat is not always because they are not getting what they want from their relationship (unless they really just don't give a shit about anybody but themselves). Often, girls cheat because they need attention to feel secure. This is her insecurity again. If she is able to put the thought that she is definitely hurting someone she's supposed to love to the back of her mind to feed her insecurity, then she is capable of doing it again. She put herself first in this instance and it sounds like she's putting her needs above yours now. If you're not usually insecure but you are in this relationship. Rethink. You might be right.

ON THE OTHER HAND! Have you told her how you feel? Maybe she doesn't realise what effect her actions are having on you. She may feel bad if you tell her and stop altogether. Reassurance is not just about words, it's about actions. Ask her why she needs attention from other guys. Explain that you were hoping you could give her everything she needs. See if she takes the hint. If she doesn't, I really would consider getting out of there. It's not her fault, exactly, she's not a bad person, she's just insecure. But insecure people who are willing to do things that hurt others may continue to do that until they learn to reassure themselves. It's up to you really.

However,

 

[Lerxst]

...
ON THE OTHER HAND! Have you told her how you feel?

You're an ENTP she's an INFJ. I can tell by your posts here that you're thinking (externally of course) but you're trying to strengthen a relationship with a person who "feels".

Whatever her reasons for cheating, unless you ask, you won't know. That's part of that whole Ti function that's foreign to your perspective on things. The only way she'll tell you is if she trusts you and the only way she'll trust you is if you share some of your feelings with her.

And when I say share feelings, I'm referring to romantic cheesiness to the extreme. You have to completely expose yourself - think Adrian and Rocky kind of a romance. Remember, INFJs often just get feelings about a person and they tend to trust those feelings. The worst thing you can do is try to hide something because she'll know. She might not know what you're hiding, but she'll know you're hiding something. If you just completely show her who you are, then she's more likely to open up with and to you... and you'll know it when she does. So don't fake it, you'll only make things worse!

One thing I've noticed about every ENTP I've met is that for as confident as you guys are, there's a really tough shell around anything that can be considered emotions. That's the part you'd need to work on, especially around an NF type.