[INFJ] - INFJ getting friendzoned (specificly by INFP) but also other types. | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ getting friendzoned (specificly by INFP) but also other types.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by BeautifulSuffering, Dec 26, 2018.

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  1. BeautifulSuffering

    BeautifulSuffering Regular Poster

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    Heey. I was wondering if it is something typical for a INFJ person (female in my case) to constantly get friendzoned when/after dating. Advice is also very welcome.

    So in my case I have never been in a serious relationship, I dated a lot of guys. Some I did not like and never dated more than 1/2 times, in other cases we both didnt feel it. But it has also happened quit some times that a guy tries to hold me on a leach (don't know if correct english :p) or he just tells me we should just be friends after many dates (and even sex).

    When it comes to my type of guys, I am really really attracted to sensitive dreamy type of guys. Neither do I feel attracted to though muscled guys, but to thin, babyfaced guys. Usually when a girl talks about not finding the right guy or being threated wrong by a guy, she gets told to find a more sensitive guy who is not this model/macho type.

    A INFP guy I recently dated for a few months was sensitive and not a macho, but he still ended up friendzoning me. Even after many dates and taking my virginity. He told me he thinks I'm very attractive, our MBTI types match really well. We had a lot of the same interests. So what is it that still made him decide to friendzone me after all this bullshit? For some other guys who were maybe not a very good match MBTI-wise, I would understand it didn't really become serious. But now that a guy that has a matching personality, matching interests and we both like eachother physically and mentally; why does it still end up like this???

    Am I just having bad luck? Am I too nice to guys? Is it a INFJ thing? Any other suggestions or advice?
     
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  2. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    I’ve never been friendzoned personally—unfortunately I had to do the friendzoning myself and always hated it because I never want to hurt another man’s feelings and it’s not in my nature to be mean, but it happened unfortunately. I still feel terrible about it.

    I did experience twice with very nice men that we dated for a couple of weeks but didn’t work out more due to differences and us both realizing that we would be better off friends and it was very mutual; just didn’t have chemistry or that click, and it felt forced. So I wouldn’t necessarily say friendzoned? Idk, I’m blabbering lol. But anyways.

    Every type has their moments of being friendzoned, it’s not only exclusive to only INFJs men and women. I think the best approach for you is to focus on yourself and take a break from dating.

    The moment you are more confident, secure, positive, in the moment, and aren’t too desperate on “finding that guy” the more you will start attracting good choices of men.

    Also, the reason why it didn’t work with this particular INFP guy is because he could have commitment issues, lack maturity, or isn’t looking for a serious relationship. It could be anything really. But the most important thing is that you move on and let go. There will always be someone that is a better match for you and will equally pursue a serious relationship with you.
     
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius Gimme that WOAD

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    Hi there, @BeautifulSuffering. I wanted to reply to you, because you sound like you need some advice or some sounding boards.

    First off, I should say that I thought for a long time about this, and my conclusion was 'you know what, honestly I have no idea'. So with that in mind, here are my thoughts:

    It sounds as if this dude has hurt you, which is 'bad'; he's flighty and uncommitted; he hasn't even had the courtesy to explain why he's lost interest.

    Your course of action, therefore, is easy: ask him why he's lost interest.

    That's short term.

    Long term, keep looking. As an INFJ it won't be easy to find someone, to be perfectly honest, but it's worth it and you should keep trying. The game is hard but potentially there is a big payoff - you just have to learn and accept its difficulties, I'm afraid.

    There's no easy way around this.
     
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    #3 Hostarius, Dec 26, 2018
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  4. Hostarius

    Hostarius Gimme that WOAD

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    This is interesting, and has me thinking.

    I don't think you've been friendzoned, to be honest, I think it's more likely that you've been used by someone who never really had relationship intentions in the first place. They were probably just 'going with the flow', 'living in the moment' or some shit like that; however people justify inflicting emotional hurt these days, I don't know, I lose track.

    Personally I've never been friendzoned because I have tended to ask people out pretty straightforwardly, and if they say 'no' then move on. It's very simple.
     
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  5. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    A person's character is not the same thing as their appearance.
    If I were you, I would ask the guy up-front why he's not dating you. MBTI aside, he probably has his own reasons. Young people, especially young men, generally aren't seriously eager to commit.
     
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    #5 Pin, Dec 26, 2018
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  6. Hostarius

    Hostarius Gimme that WOAD

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    The only time I acted similarly to this guy is when I took a girl out (she asked for the date), and we did click. We spoke for hours and I asked the meaningful questions to build a connection about her family background, &c., but I felt a bit calculating about it, actually, because for me the girl just wasn't smart enough (sorry but true) and didn't have any opinions on important matters which would be a necessity for me, so I was left feeling dispassionate and disconnected. I ended the evening with a kiss on the cheek goodbye, which was a bit awkward because she reacted as if it was something else so I kind of had to stretch pretty far to actually get to the side of her face rather than the front.

    Anyway I intended to call her to explain why there wouldn't be a second date but... I just 'didn't'. I didn't for no good reason - I think I probably just procrastinated it, or maybe it would have been tricky to say 'sorry, love, but you're not clever enough', which I would have had to do, because I don't want to lie.

    Eventually my niece (who had set the thing up since the girl had spotted me in my niece's salon when I came to visit one time) had to call me and ask what was up because the girl was confused. So yeah... I actually informed the girl via my niece... which was pretty lazy and impersonal tbh. No cool, man. I was pretty ashamed of it, as it didn't fit my ideal self conception.

    Now, this guy has basically done what I did, except he got his kicks and deflowered you while he was at it. I could have done that to the girl in my story, but that would have been very wrong. In other words, fuck this guy, he doesn't give a fuck.
     
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  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Yeah, pretty wild stuff. At the same time, it takes two to tango.
     
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  8. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    OP, I recommend sexual abstinence.
     
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  9. OP
    BeautifulSuffering

    BeautifulSuffering Regular Poster

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    That is what people keep telling me for years. Now I was in a comfortable confident place, and wasn't really expecting from the beginning. But it turned out to really match between us which resulted in me getting feelings. I just don't get how he doesn't have feelings. He gave me signals that he really liked me too and wanted to see me constantly in the first few weeks. We even had sex every time he made a move. It felt like we were working on something serious, but he ends up friendzoning anyway. It feels like he took me from my comfortable and confident state, sucked the energy out of me and moved on leaving me empty again... Which feels very wrong since he is a very sensitive guy (not just a facade, I really feel he is).

    Maybe you are right and he has commitment issues. But that still would be no excuse. I was very clear from the beginning that I wanted something serious. The fact that a sweet, sensitive, outcast kind of guy has it in him to act like this really makes me lose hope to be honest.
     
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  10. OP
    BeautifulSuffering

    BeautifulSuffering Regular Poster

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    Thankyou for your advice. The only reason he said it didnt work out between us is because I'm too weird. Well actually I asked him if that was a reason, and he replied it was. You are right, dating as an INFJ is terrible. Even people who are supposed to be alike you and understand things of you, think you are a weirdo :p
     
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  11. OP
    BeautifulSuffering

    BeautifulSuffering Regular Poster

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    Aww well it is good of you that you did not date more with her than. That would be giving false hope, like this guy was doing to me. You even were obvious wit the cheek kiss that it didnt work out, so you really tried being direct and clear.
     
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  12. Impact Character

    Impact Character folding paper cranes ⭐

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    um.. I rather always found I might be too picky or blind ..(what I now perceive more of some kind of demisexuality.).. but the friendzone thing.. no.. not really..

    I think I spent alot time understanding the concept of "falling in love with an illusion" and what it means to "really fall in love".. as well as the different ideas of love around me (primarily understanding that people usually seek eros.. settle with pragma.. obsess with mania.. and that you find alot ludus "hunter" in bars and that sort..which crash horribly with looking for unconditional storge...) and which one I actually needed..not wanted.. ..I had a couple of.. (what people would call) "really bad boyfriends" to get there.. but also a soulmate ..and today the SO I live with .. it was really worth everything. I had a very strong friend base with those two but not the neutral friendzone thing rather .. uhm.. haha sorry how to say this. .... friends with intense sparks .. ?

    sometimes you need to go through some tough shit (sorry for the wording) to become the person you need to be for having a good relationship.
    I really want to underline what @JennyDaniella said there about focusing on yourself.. it gets you far if you focus a bit on philautia on a healthy way.. and the right person will notice this :)


    (on a sidenote: there is really nothing wrong with any kind of love.. as long as it is healthy and people are on the same page :) but that only works out if you know enough about yourself and learned to talk about this kind of stuff..)
     
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  13. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Unfortunately, he isn’t a good person from what you are telling me so far. I’m so so sorry you are going through this.

    Some people go through loops and extents to really build some false mask or facade to make themselves look more innocent/benevolent to get what they want. It’s total manipulation. Been there done that.

    Best thing to do is really distance yourself and move on. This man despite being actually “sensitive” or not hurt you and no person who genuinely likes and values you will do what he did.

    Keep your head up and focus on yourself. Eventually you will meet that guy who will cherish you and treat you with 100% love and respect. Good men are still out there, just have faith.

    Like I mentioned, he probably built that mask to create this false illusion/manipulation to receive this gain or create this perception that he isn’t a total asswipe.

    You told him what you wanted, he abused that and walked away. He isn’t good news at all. “Sensitive” good men don’t do this. I guarantee you that.

    I do agree with you on that it can be a difficult process for our type. One thing that INFJs are notorious for when it comes to dating is our high expectations—which I am guilty of I will admit, but actually can be sometimes a positive thing if you aren’t too idealistic.

    Having high expectations can be a bit unrealistic sometimes but it’s never a bad thing knowing that you want at least the best, ideal person for you when it comes to how you want to be treated—and of course, looks. Which does sound a bit shallow, but it’s true; you gotta be attracted to the other person for a relationship to work, it’s human nature.

    Nonetheless what I am trying to explain is that when you get into the dating game again, having high expectations isn’t a bad thing at all as long as it is also realistic. No person is perfect, but everyone also deserves to be treated with absolute love and respect; so don’t feel bad if you go with this approach. Once you start treating yourself with full love and respect, you will get that back tenfold.
     
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  14. Gaze

    Donor

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    A lot of great advice so far and totally agree with @JennyDaniella.

    To add, when you first start having sex for the very first time, there's a whole host of feelings and emotions which shows up that you've never felt before which can intensify how you feel about the person. It can make you think you feel more for the person than you actually do. It was a new experience for you so you may have had expectations that go with sex that he didn't share but pretended to share just to get what he wanted.

    Sex and emotions can be complicated. The first priority is protecting yourself. If you want a genuine emotional, spiritual, and sexually satisfying relationship as your long term goal, I really suggest waiting much longer to have sex, and really getting to know the person for a longer period of time. It's also not a good idea to go along with initial impulses or feelings about the person and act on physical attraction quickly since sex can confuse or give us misleading information about the person, relationship, and ourselves especially early on in a relationship when attraction is intense.

    It's important to understand for ourselves the difference between what feels good in the moment and what's right for us in the long term. Having an active and wonderful sex life with someone, however great that may be, can be confused for more.

    A person who really cares about you would not just be there to get what they want or take what they think they can get and not think about how you are affected. Although you've already had to deal with this type of person, be very aware of partners who pretend or appear to be exactly what you want so they can get what they want and move on.

    Hold them to a high enough standard where they realize it's not enough to simply be the type of guy that you seem to want (because what's sensitive on the outside may not be on the inside) so they think they can tell you want to hear or seem to be the type of person they want and woo you hoping you won't notice their intentions are not serious.

    Potential partners are going to have their own interests and agendas. Don't just take their word for it that you're on the same page. Give them the chance to be themselves and show you who they are, not just what they want you to think about them or see.

    An as everyone has pointed out, your guy was not sensitive. A baby face or soft quality does not make someone sensitive. Some people will use their seemingly "softer" side or false sensitivity to bait someone into thinking they're something that they're not. Character is something that sometimes may really take a while to know about a person. It's not obvious from first looks or personality. Remember there's a difference between who people are and what they show you.

    Most importantly, look out for yourself. Speak to others about their experiences, and do the things that are good and healthy for yourself in the long term and not just what feels right at a particular moment. Let them prove they are trustworthy before taking it further, not by jumping through hoops, but by showing they want to take the time to build something with you and not just in it for the physical relationship, if you want something more serious later on. No need to rush into anything. Just take your time and maybe take things more slowly. All the best!
     
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  15. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I agree with others in the thread who are suggesting you were not friend zoned. It seems like the INFP never had any intention of committing to a relationship. In other words, you got played. I'm sad for you that you lost your virginity this way.

    – Some men will go the "deep connection route" and act like the relationship is special when they have no intention of actually committing because it is easier to convince women to have sex if they pretend the relationship has a future.

    – The way a man looks (sensitive, or 'macho') does not determine what kind of person he is. Jerks can be thin and babyfaced and men with muscles can be sensitive.
    A lot of men work out because they are sensitive and they want a barrier of protection, or want to look less vulnerable.

    Examine your habits and patterns if you want to stop dating random men and find a relationship. In your original statement you claimed you usually just date different guys and don't get involved in committed relationships. You may be sending signals that you aren't the serious relationship type. Also, aside from your preferences for looks, you may be subconsciously attracted to a type of guy (personality, behavior, attitudes, etc) that isn't what you need. This is something a lot of people do, and at the root of long-term patterns of failed relationships. I'm definitely not blaming you for the actions of the INFP who used you. He was a jerk. What I am saying is, try to examine every angle so you don't fall for any more jerks.

    I do find it curious that your usual preference is to date random men instead of committing. It's unusual. INFJs crave deep connection and typically gravitate toward relationships. Why did you choose to casually date?

    @Gaze gives good advice.

    -------

    All you have to say is, "We didn't click." It's honest without being hurtful.
    Alternately, you could call or text something to the effect of, "Thank you for the lovely evening. I hope you find what you're looking for in life." (polite thanks/ phrase that implies goodbye on a positive note) You don't need to be brutally honest while also being truthful.

    You're in a relationship now, though, right? So none of this matters.

    "Confused"? When a man doesn't call you after a date it means he isn't into you. There is nothing confusing about that.
     
    #15 Asa, Dec 29, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2018
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  16. OP
    BeautifulSuffering

    BeautifulSuffering Regular Poster

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    Thankyou that was some really good advice. First I just want to say I didn't want to make it sound like men their personality can be judged on the outside. But what I mean is that I don't go after the "unreachable" type that is very popular and wanted etc. Instead I go after guys that are not typically popular physicly in the eyes of society. What I mean with that is that I dont exhaust myself by going after unreachable types.

    This guy he did the test and INFP came out. Also in his behaviour and his communication I really noticed he is very considering of others their feelings. For example when he feels that he might have said something in a wrong way, he immediately adjusts what he said in a more sensitive way. Just the way he does this things really feel authentic and true. I am very good at looking through facades, but this guy did not pretend to be different than he is. The only thing is that when I looked in his eyes, I saw a wall. At some moment I started developping feelings and wanted to look in his eyes romanticly. But saw something like doubt and distance in his eyes.

    About the dating; I honestly hate dating and the whole process and just want a deep connection. But that is the thing. I want it so bad and have been wanting it badly for many years. There is this intense and burning need in myself to want a guy to give love to and care for and cuddle etc. all the time. It is there 24/7 and that is why I dated kind of many guys.
     
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  17. Ginny

    Ginny Kassandra's curse

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    All of you have already given great advice, so there's nothing to add here other than to reinforce this.

    Trust your instincts. You say you saw something, and that something is often there for a reason. The smallest details you notice can give a wholly different colour to everything else, so watch out for that.

    Physique, overt behaviour and popularity don't translate to being a specific kind of person, as the others have already said.

    Take your time for now to get over this ordeal before diving into the dating game again, see that you are really ready for it when you do.
    When all you do is crave a connection, there is probably an element of self-love that is missing. You can be happy and lead a full life even without a relationship. Once you have that internalised and exert that vibe, you can attract the right kind of person for you, because no sleazy asshole will dare try to go for you when you are unfuckwithable (some do that for sport, but when you really become what you want, it won't matter - also, please excuse that phrasing, it was a bit harsh :grin::sweatsmile:).
     
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  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius Gimme that WOAD

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    I approve of this message.
     
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  19. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Absolutely! I'm in relationship approaching 3 decades. I am often asked how I found him. The answer is: I wasn't looking. When discussing meeting "the one" with other women, the common denominator is usually that we were all in a place in our lives where we weren't looking. We were happy being single, we were focused on life goals, career, education, etc, and we were not interested in dating. When you build a positive life, a lot of things happen: You can see through people who aren't right for you, you don't want to compromise your goals and happiness for drama, you connect with like-minded people, and you attract people who are good for you to be with. Many people of all genders are taught that focusing on self is selfish and undesirable, but in order to live a full life and give to others, you need to develop yourself and build your life.

    Though, I will say this: Dating a few of the wrong people will give you valuable experience.

    Maybe you just weren't right for him.


    Revision: I misread his type before.

    INFPs are idealists. This idealism is awesome, but it can bite them in the ass and it can make it tricky to date them. They have an ideal of the person they want to date, and/or they idealize the person they are currently dating. If the person they are dating does not live up to expectations, they end the relationship before they get too deep into it. In some cases, this is fine and healthy, and in other cases the INFP needs to adjust their expectations. There are a lot of INFPs with healthy ideals, and a lot with unrealistic ideals that will cause them (and the people who fall for them) a lot of pain. In any case, you can't be with someone if you can't make them happy, even if you are the bee's knees. :)

    What I already said about INFJs still holds true in this case. I just erased it there and pasted it here: Upon digging through your many layers he may have discovered that you were not what you initially seemed from his point of view, and were not what he wanted you to be. INFJs sometimes scare people off, or at least confuse them, because we seem like one thing on the surface, but have many facets beneath that are slowly uncovered as we get to know people.

    But if you saw the wall and felt intuition, please don't ignore that in the future.
     
  20. Hostarius

    Hostarius Gimme that WOAD

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    This is top advice.

    I really should just contribute something of my own rather than giving out random compliments :tearsofjoy:, but yeah, what Asa said!
     
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