[INFJ] - INFJ (F) & INFJ (M): Self Consciousness | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ (F) & INFJ (M): Self Consciousness

Apr 1, 2013
Hey fellow INFJs,

I could really use some help with a guy I recently started dating (but not in a relationship with); we think he's an INFJ as well (he tested right on the line between INTJ/FJ but relates more to the later). Due to school and life stress, this guy kind of withdrew for 2-3 weeks, simultaneously lost his phone (true story) and of course a series of miscommunications concerning whether or not the other person was interested inevitably started blowing up.

We finally sat down and talked for 5 and a half hours- going over where certain miscommunications happened, addressing some of our concerns, and touching on where we want to go with each other in the future.

From my point of view I have feelings for this guy and really treasure our conversation and connection; I think I'd be his girlfriend if he asked me to.
One thing he brought up in our talk was that he thinks he might be "too similar." The words he actually used were "I think we are broken in the same way," and "both of us are too polite with each other," In a sense, we have similar backgrounds in that we both came from families who didn't know how to love/support us the right ways, and we both likely deal with codependency and avoidance & anxiety about attachment. We also both have some people-pleasing tendencies....These are topics I've been working on, and doing a great job if I can congratulate myself, for many years, whereas I think he may be just starting to learn about some of these personal growth issues.

I agree that if I can sense he's feeling nervous or self-conscious that I start to feel/talk in that way sometimes...I think a similar thing might be said of him. My main impression of the situation is that it's a new relationship ( 3 months ) and that we both want each other to see and think the best about the other one. I know I can compulsively talk because even though I know he's an introvert I still don't want to be seen as "boring" or not engaged; maybe I'm too used to having to play the extrovert. I've told him these things, of course!

I find him so funny and we always laugh and talk for hours when we spend time together- with him more than most people I feel like I can trust he doesn't think I'm weird and that I am free to be myself around him. I love talking with him because he himself has a dark and humorous imagination. We talk for hours about our nightmares or weird fears.

It's a strange thing that we've both noticed - when our conversations are flowing and we feel relaxed, things are great, but when one of us feels weird or nervous around the other one, it's hard to ignore. We haven't slept together yet, though we're comfortable talking about sex, because we want to take things slow and feel like we're going into it at the right moment. However at this point I'm ready and I'm wondering if it would help loosen us up or feel closer...
Confusingly, in our 5 hour talk, INFJ (M) said both that he was deferring to me to decide when we sleep together (because he said I seemed apprehensive) and also that he previously wasn't sure if we were going to work out (because of above self-consciousness apparently) and he didn't want us to start sleeping together and then have us not work out.He didn't want the physical to advance before the emotional connection...

Obviously there are still questions I need and shall ask him, but...

I was wondering if anyone had dealt with a similar situation? We're in the stage in our relationship where we're trying to figure out if we're compatible and if we want to take it to the next step; I feel nervous because he voiced what seems like a complaint or critique about us and of course fixating on it isn't helping! I can't decide if he is saying he doesn't feel like he can be himself around me, or if he is encountering issues of authenticity and attachment on his own...

I told him on one of our dates that it's important to me that we both feel like we can be our authentic selves together; he said he didn't understand at the time but that it's something he truly wants too.

Do any of you in INFJ relationships have any insight on any of this?
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I'm not in any relationship right now, but as an INFJ girl I think I can understand some of what you're feeling.

I think it's a good thing if your guy is close to being a T, because he might be able to preclude some of his emotions with logical thinking and work through any anxiety he is having about the relationship. On the other hand, it seems like you seem to be taking more initiative than he is to address your anxieties and figure out how to move forward.

I'm sorry I can't give you any real advice, but my impression is that you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to figure this thing out (totally an INFJ thing to do), and while you have addressed all of your shortcomings maybe he is not ready to expose his completely (since he says you are the one with apprehensiveness). If he realized that you were apprehensive, he should be able to take steps to address that, but since he isn't you can probably guess that he is apprehensive too. And unless he finds ways to address that on his own I don't know what you can do.

Of course, I don't know him at all and you know him a lot. So...I just hope you are more happy and comforted by his presence than you are anxious. :)
I love someone that is different from me...a lot different. We've been together many years. I get my feelings hurt a lot. She says what comes to mind quite readily and what you see is what you get. There are many things about her actions I still do not understand, but I try tremendously. She is broken in her own way. I think love is stronger than what might be better, could be better, or would be easier. However, the love should be as strong from both parties. I obviously would not know how to take it if she started acting and thinking like me. It would be interesting to be with someone more likeminded, but I have too much invested in this one. Pains come and go, and some linger like the dew on a morning's newness.

This may be opposite of what you are looking at, but maybe you should see the other side of the coin. If he is concerned about it enough to say something to you, he must feel his way through the doubts and conceptions before he can be at peace. Kindness trumps heartaches any day.
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