Identity Crisis.

[EmersonLake]

Hey everyone.

I'm not sure if any of you on this forum are creative minds, perhaps even artists, for emotionally creative people will much better connect and understand my dilemma.

I'm typing this from a studio, sitting alone in a warm, dark corner surrounded by flickering candles, beeping lights, and useless keyboards. This once was a place that welcomed me with a center of radiating peace, a womb-like atmosphere if you will. The studio has always been beaming with a feeling of pure zen...a sanctuary entirely shielded from the outer world.

Today, this has changed.

I have been slaving away at a record for the past 3 days, searching to realize an envisioned, yet impossibly unattainable level of perfection. You see, when it comes to my craft, I feel as though my records are never, ever truly completed, but rather hopelessly abandoned... for if I were to never abandon them, they would never get released. I feel as though I am never happy or satisfied with my work, to the point where I constantly re-question myself and my identity as a person, and as an artist. It frustrates me to see other fellow artists seem so solid, so...grounded. They know who they are and what product they are producing. Most of them don't even feel the need to be categorized or attached to a genre...pop, electro, house, it doesn't matter to them. Call them what you like. All they care about is creating and expressing themselves through their craft. For myself, this has never been the case. Don't get me wrong, I am aware that I possess some form of talent, mostly from the positive reactions and support of the people who listen to my music, but at the end of the day, it doesn't mean a thing. None of that positiveness is coming from within. I could have a million fans at my doorstep right now screaming and throwing love my way, but it doesn't mean thing. Emptiness still fills my mind and heart. Having the talent doesn't mean a thing without an identity to hold you up, without a feeling of being complete as an individual... as an artist.

Today, in fact just a few moment ago, I hit a damaging wall.

"Who the hell am I?"

A feeling of emptiness washed over me like never before as I listened to the record being mixed on the monitors.

"Is this song even good? What does it even mean? It's not good enough. Others make better music. Others know who they are. I don't know who I am or what the f*** i'm trying to say."

I feel enslaved to my craft. I want to make music, I mean, deep down music is and will always be the reason I am still breathing. But my relationship with it is so up and down, and perhaps even unhealthy. I don't know. I find myself constantly trying to reinvent my identity to fit some mold of perfection I constantly re-create in my head. It's torture, really. It's a never ending feeling of insecurity, a feeling of being broken in some way.

So in a helpless cry for help, I decided to join this forum to seek some input from you guys. I desperately need some form of support, and I can't get any honest help from the people surrounding me.

Thanks.

 

[gd65h8as7]

I remember watching a documentary of a rapper I really like, and it showed how it was when he worked in the studio. For some of his songs, it would take him months to finish it. Others took a year. So don't get upset that you've been slaving for three days and are unhappy with your work, it just takes time. You just have to let it come to you, you can't force it.

 

[JGirl]

find a way to put what you just expressed to us into your music
stop watching the other guy too btw
and welcome!

 

[Quiet]

i recommend having a break and letting go of what you're trying to achieve. Put it out of your mind for a while, take a walk, remove yourself from the environment.
Meditate, and if you dont know how, learn. It is such a useful tool for dealing with anxiety and fears, as well as understanding yourself better.
And then when you feel naturally inclined to, go back and make some music. Listen to your work with fresh perspective. Allow yourself to lose yourself in the flow of your music as much as you try to direct that flow with your will and vision.
Make music if thats what you want to do. If you are enjoying yourself making it, others will probably be able to tune into that vibration and spirit when they hear it.
Good is relative. If you like it, than its good. You cant please everyone. But you can be honest with your music and enjoy the process of creating and producing.
If you think others make better music, ask yourself why you think that. Do you like their music better? What about their music do you like? Or what about them and their process do you like? Use any envy as inspiration, rather than feeling mired by useless comparisions.
Others do not necessarily know who they are either. Many people see themselves as a list of personality traits and expect themselves to be congruent to this mental list that they have constructed. Sometimes this list is never questioned, just accepted, and played out. Life becomes a role. It is not really very important to know who you are- all this does is give you a mould that you then try to fit into. Become self aware and conscious of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions. Question yourself. Which thoughts and beliefs are serving you and which ones are not. Why are the ones that arent serving you there? Where did they come from? Why are you holding them? Let go of what you dont want, create what you do want. Recreate as much as you want. What is the harm in this? This is much more productive and meaningful than trying to define who you are or what you're about when clearly you are a complex person who is changing and fluid.

 

[sprinkles]

1. Music does not adhere to norms. Theory is good to understand. However, learn the rules then throw them away.
2. Music does not have to be about anything. You make what you feel. Experiment. If you try to fit, you won't necessarily find yourself but may very well hobble yourself.
3. Forget about perfection. Perfection is boring and it will hurt you. There's such a thing as over producing things, and flaws are what make a tune non-canned. My opinion is avoid perfection unless your goal is to make elevator Muzak or something.

 

[EmersonLake]

Hey guys, I just wanted to give you all a follow up and the results of my time spent in the studio the last 5 days. I took some of everyones advice and stepped away from the studio for a few days to recharge. I realized that I needed to let go, and quit holding myself to ridiculous standards of perfection, so that's what I did. I let go, and i'm so happy I did. Thanks guys.

Here's the record I ended up releasing yesterday. Hope some of you enjoy!

[video=youtube;D9r0466gyq8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9r0466gyq8[/video]