[INFJ] I want to connect with people but I need my space

[sapphiresky]

Hello everyone. I am curious to know if this is normal behavior for INFJs and how to cope with it. I was frustrated because I haven’t been able to make any solid friendships in the past years. I have been attempting to meet new people, but I also like to have my own personal space. When someone has the expectation to hang out and keep in touch all the time, it makes me uneasy, and would just rather be alone.

I want to hang out with people, but being needed or available all the time gives me terrible anxiety.

I met two women at a children’s playground. One of them invited me to meet with them twice a week for playdates so our kids can play. I have seen the other woman at the park frequently. We only exchanged a couple of words once and then she would just stay on the opposite side of the park and wouldn’t let her child play with my child. She didn’t seem to acknowledge my presence each time. Other times, she would leave right after I came to the park. I tried to not let this bug me but found it rather strange.

Now that the other woman properly introduced us, her attitude has changed towards me and she has been sending me text messages. Including one where she asked if she could come to my neighborhood pool on Memorial Day. I declined because I had plans with my husband. I find it odd because we rarely know each other well yet.

They also seem to want to meet more than twice each week to go to eat out and I think this is excessive. I think is ok to meet twice a week for playdates and would prefer to keep it that way but I would rather spend weekends with my family. I can meet with them once a month but I think they want to meet often.

Now I feel like a bad person because I don’t have the energy or desire to meet them that frequently and I hate making lies or excuses.

 

[Asa]

Hi @sapphiresky

You're not alone on this. I relate to desiring connection in friendships but also needing space.

Your situation seems complicated and I have a few different points of view on it. Most importantly, your child needs friends and you're going to have to compromise your own needs for them. If it means spending more time with other moms you'll need to do that.

If the weekend outings include the children having playdates it is worth it, but if the moms want to meet every weekend without their children that seems strange. The entire reason you became friends was for the kids. Agreeing to a child-free outing once a month seems reasonable. Agreeing to a child-free outing with the moms of your child's friends every week doesn't.

How much clout do these moms have? How important is it to be friends with them for the sake of your child?

I've fallen in with circles of women ("Power Moms") like this. They're very cliquey and there will always be pressure to spend more time, spend money, do expensive activities, and maybe even go on vacations together. It is possible to be friendly without dedicating oneself to them, but the pressure will always be there. I'm not telling you not to be friends with them by any stretch, just sharing my experience.

 

[slant]

Communication is key. Determine what you are comfortable with, then communicate that to the other people involved. We are all different. I would refrain from making judgements like the amount of time that these people want to get together is "excessive". You just don't share the same desires and that's ok. You don't need to lie or make excuses. You can decline invitations without giving any reasons at all.

What I have found is helpful is to say things like,

"I am going to pass on this one, but keep inviting me out, I am still interested in getting together every now and then. "

There is this theory in social interactions where, in order to get close to each other, we "match" each other. So if I invite you to hang out, this is a bid to become closer. I will then wait for you to invite me out next time or send me a joke text or basically reach out to me first, and this is how we grow closer is by matching each other's behavior.

We start to feel uneasy when we are initiating too often or the other person is. People don't generally like unbalanced relationships. Eventually if we decline over and over again and never try to initiate contact with somebody, the message is communicated that we want distance, and sometimes that we don't want involvement at all.

So the trick with social relationships seems to be being able to communicate what we want and what we don't want and if we match up, the social relationship will continue. If we don't match it will eventually break down, and why do we have to feel guilty about that? Not everybody is going to get along or have the same preferences.