I need help processing this INTJ/INFJ interaction...

[dragulagu]

@worthy, here's a blog vid that can give some more information on understanding INTJ's in general from a relational perspective, it might help.
There are also some tips in there in regards to your original experience.

PS: edited the response above (removed some unnecessary parts etc.)

 

[G4RiiM]

The highest way I (an INFJ) show interest in and care for a person is by doing my best to figure them out. I assumed he would be delighted

Some people don't like to be figured out even one on one. Guessing because it can make them feel vulnerable. I knew this girl with whom I was in love with. While I was just trying and get to know her better, in her it evoked negative emotions connected to a previous lover which made her think I might just be as bad a guy. While it did hurt me deeply because I just wanted to love and care, I had to let her go and wait for her to come to me. Well she didn't and now I don't care anymore if she ever does

 

[Belle4757]

The highest way I (an INFJ) show interest in and care for a person is by doing my best to figure them out. I assumed he would be delighted that I'd thought about this and taken the time to get to know him deeply enough to figure out his type, and that sharing the information about it would be taken positively even if he chose not to engage with the info further. It has been such a helpful thing to me in sorting out relationships and understanding myself. I felt I was giving a gift, but I was wrong.

Giving is only truly giving if the receiver sees it as giving...anything else is about us - not the other person. i.e. I want to be seen as being a giver or I want to be seen as being intelligent (it's called virtue signalling). You're not evil, you're just human, pretty much like the rest of us.

INTJs are very private people. I wonder if it would have been more appreciated if it was done in a one-on-one environment instead of in front of a crowd of people. From my experience INTJs are also very forgiving.

 

[Impact Character]

Hmh, Yes that is a familiar Song. Wether it is mbti or other kind of insight you find about someone when you tell it you will be starting Transformation. At least the chance for Transformation. It's sending someone else onto their hero's journey with all the bad and good. And usually the hero will be defensive first, the human nature is built this way that it tries to stay stable (stagnant) at first until it becomes inevitable and important.

Think about this that your friend has also blessed you with sending you on yours a bit. There is something to learn in front of you, and when the waves are calmer maybe you can share what you learned and appreciate..?

A while ago I clashed with an INFP friend, which gave me plenty of opportunity to learn and also reflect my interactions with an INTJ. Fe can evolve some more, while Fi offers alot of additional wisdom. It wasn't very pleasant of course but many relationships grow from unpleasantries. I believe Fe is also what can solve this, because it also holds valuable wisdom for Fi (to make it wholesome).


This is not meant as rationalization, but understanding.

 

[Impact Character]

Also.. Maybe you were really right about also your friend's self perception, or at least you made some halfly conscious things for real by extraverting. Inferior Se also just doesn't like to be weak/vulnerable, atleast not without knowing/preparing for it. (as @Deleted member 16771 mentioned before finding your Type feels very crappy..wether someone else sees your true Issues or you Type yourself by Issues not by Contentment)

Which means.. You could gently prepare someone beforehand that something might be incoming, and let them decide if they want to hear it, and see how that works for you and them.

I think there is natural Irritation between decider Doms and perceiver Doms. Decider Doms also need to learn and experience that perceiver Doms usually don't Talk out of a stable categorized identity place, not in the same manner as decider Doms I mean. There is alot Potential for misunderstanding.

(I just noticed I've spun the topic again to a more general layer, sorry )

 

[David54]

This is just my thoughts, and my personal experience. .
I would never presume to type anyone. I have talked about MBTI, but only with those that I know rather well, and in private conversation. As a supervisor in the past I presented it as a way to help others interact with my staff more effectively as I felt strongly that we were mostly INF's, and it turned out that we were. We posted our types for others to see a bit more about us and how to interact for better outcomes. .
But I think that a person's type, especially an I/N is a very personal experience. I know if someone, especially in public, "typed" me I would shut down completely.
again, just my morning thought

 

[Ren]

Dammit. I was at a party and there was some talk about MBTI. I told my longtime (clearly INTJ) friend that I had figured out his type, and shared some info about why, and how I've found MBTI helpful. I sent him an email that evening with some basic rational information about MBTI & INTJ.

He emailed me this morning. I was stunned by his response. It stopped me in my tracks. He said he does not want to be analyzed at all, especially not publicly (there was a conversation about MBTI at a public gathering), and that he sees it as an issue of consent.

Some people react that way. It does seem strange that you didn't anticipate this if he is a long time friend, but like you said maybe you triggered something without realising it. I would say the most important thing for you is not to take it personally; it has nothing to do with you, basically. Your intentions were good.

If possible, try not to get into a loop of seeking to figure out what might have been the reasons for his reaction. You probably will never know exactly. If he gets defensive about that kind of thing, at least you have more information about his boundaries, and you can work from there, assuming you can work with that within a friendship. It also depends on what you expect from a friend — but on the surface it doesn't seem like a reaction of that kind, although sharp, should threaten a whole friendship. It is possible that given a couple weeks you'll have moved past it.

 

[dragulagu]

From my experience INTJs are also very forgiving.

Holding a great grudge against someone for a long time takes a lot of energy, which is inefficient.
- INTJ rulebook (i'm joking)

 

[Ren]

Holding a great grudge against someone for a long time takes a lot of energy, which is inefficient.

It is so true though

 

[dragulagu]

It is so true though

Spoiler: Naaaaaaah

 

[worthy]

Update: A few days ago we crossed paths volunteering at an event, and while it felt like we were not connecting super closely, it wasn't weird; it was a huge public event, so it felt appropriate. Today we had a breakfast meeting, one on one, about a project we are working on together (he works for one of my clients), and we connected personally as well, and everything felt normal and good. It was a very good lesson for me about what it feels like to make a mistake, apologize, be forgiven, and move on, all in a fairly short timespan. In the past I would have spun my worry-wheels for weeks or months afterward. But maybe it really is effectively behind us.

In looking at the situation, I don't think I made any grave error, I think I just mis-predicted his personal sensitivity about the thing that came up, and now I know to be more careful around that topic with him, and to be especially mindful of supporting his feeling of security/privacy in public.

It also brought up a number of issues for me that I was able to take to my therapist this week and also work through on my own, broader things related to anxious attachment and my relationship wounds and so forth. So it was a helpful experience, if painful for me (and him). I'm not feeling like I need to process with him, unless it happens to come up at some point, but it doesn't feel necessary to bring it up.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses and caring perspectives right at the moment when I needed them. It's much easier to grown with help and support.

 

[Impact Character]

Update: A few days ago we crossed paths volunteering at an event, and while it felt like we were not connecting super closely, it wasn't weird; it was a huge public event, so it felt appropriate. Today we had a breakfast meeting, one on one, about a project we are working on together (he works for one of my clients), and we connected personally as well, and everything felt normal and good. It was a very good lesson for me about what it feels like to make a mistake, apologize, be forgiven, and move on, all in a fairly short timespan. In the past I would have spun my worry-wheels for weeks or months afterwad. But maybe it really is effectively behind us.

In looking at the situation, I don't think I made any grave error, I think I just mis-predicted his personal sensitivity about the thing that came up, and now I know to be more careful around that topic with him, and to be especially mindful of supporting his feeling of security/privacy in public.

It also brought up a number of issues for me that I was able to take to my therapist this week and also work through on my own, broader things related to anxious attachment and my relationship wounds and so forth. So it was a helpful experience, if painful for me (and him). I'm not feeling like I need to process with him, unless it happens to come up at some point, but it doesn't feel necessary to bring it up.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses and caring perspectives right at the moment when I needed them. It's much easier to grown with help and support.

That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. to mistakes and making up!

 

[Ren]

Update: A few days ago we crossed paths volunteering at an event, and while it felt like we were not connecting super closely, it wasn't weird; it was a huge public event, so it felt appropriate. Today we had a breakfast meeting, one on one, about a project we are working on together (he works for one of my clients), and we connected personally as well, and everything felt normal and good. It was a very good lesson for me about what it feels like to make a mistake, apologize, be forgiven, and move on, all in a fairly short timespan. In the past I would have spun my worry-wheels for weeks or months afterwad. But maybe it really is effectively behind us.

In looking at the situation, I don't think I made any grave error, I think I just mis-predicted his personal sensitivity about the thing that came up, and now I know to be more careful around that topic with him, and to be especially mindful of supporting his feeling of security/privacy in public.

It also brought up a number of issues for me that I was able to take to my therapist this week and also work through on my own, broader things related to anxious attachment and my relationship wounds and so forth. So it was a helpful experience, if painful for me (and him). I'm not feeling like I need to process with him, unless it happens to come up at some point, but it doesn't feel necessary to bring it up.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses and caring perspectives right at the moment when I needed them. It's much easier to grown with help and support.

Great to hear, worthy! ♥

 

[dragulagu]

Wonderful worthy! Hear, hear!