[INFJ] I need help: long distance relationship problem

BlackHorse

BlackHorse

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Hello everyone. I need help and would be so grateful for any help and answers.
So I am a female INFJ (age:23) in a long distance relationship with a male INFJ (age: 26). We had almost no problems for 2 years. He lives aprox. 400km away from me in another country (we communicate in english). We usually see each other at least once a month for 2-5 days. In summer I was at his place for 2 months. And we talk on facebook everyday + skype and occasional gaming.

So on monday (3 days ago) he told me he ordered a protein powder online. Its a protein powder that we both love and i would love to have it but sadly the shipping and price itself is too expensive. But he ordered it without telling me before. He just said hey i ordered 2 kg of that protein powder. So i asked him why didnt he just tell me i would have ordered it as well (so we only pay one shipping). And he became instantly extremely defensive. I quote his text msg : I have my own life why would i ask you or tell you everything. Plus i paid with my paypalmoney and i dont have enough left for both. If you need something get it yourself. *end of quote*
I responded that i will remember this answer for next time he will ask me for a favor (he asks me for a lot of products we have in my country and not in his and for fitness advices etc).
He then responded with a *thumbs up*.
That was the end of conversation and we havent spoken since. That never happend before and im so scared that he's mad at me or something i have no idea what i did wrong. Should i just write him? It doesnt seem right because he was kinda mean. Its not even a big deal i have no idea why we just stopped talking. I wasnt even mad that he didnt tell me about the powder but i guess i said something wrong?
What do you guys think?
Thank you soooo much for help. :)
 
Just communicate with him. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before and communication is key. However, if he continues this stupid behavior on getting mad over a stupid protein powder, I would kick him to the curb.

Life is too short to deal with people who explode over stupid small shit.
 
JennyDaniella said:
Just communicate with him. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before and communication is key. However, if he continues this stupid behavior on getting mad over a stupid protein powder, I would kick him to the curb.

Life is too short to deal with people who explode over stupid small shit.
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First thanks for the responses i really appreciate it :)
No its not about the protein powder, i think he's trying to show me he's ''a man'' and be strong and show me that he wont run after me (because he usually does and i told him he's acting kinda clingy - this doesnt rly bother me i just mentioned it to him). Also he bought 2kg of protein powder for himself (the more you buy the cheaper it is) and still didnt ask me about it. He used to give me a lot (too much in my opinion) but now suddenly his behavior changed. Its bothering me so much, im going crazy. It feels like he's trying to not ''spoil'' me as much as before but he went a little overboard with this attitude.
And also it seems stupid to break up over this, as INFJ i hardly ever connect with anyone and he really is special and important to me ...
I guess i will just write him first but i have no idea what to say :( im so scared this fight will go on but i also cant let it go and talk to him about the weather.
 
BlackHorse said:
First thanks for the responses i really appreciate it :)
No its not about the protein powder, i think he's trying to show me he's ''a man'' and be strong and show me that he wont run after me (because he usually does and i told him he's acting kinda clingy - this doesnt rly bother me i just mentioned it to him). Also he bought 2kg of protein powder for himself (the more you buy the cheaper it is) and still didnt ask me about it. He used to give me a lot (too much in my opinion) but now suddenly his behavior changed. Its bothering me so much, im going crazy. It feels like he's trying to not ''spoil'' me as much as before but he went a little overboard with this attitude.
And also it seems stupid to break up over this, as INFJ i hardly ever connect with anyone and he really is special and important to me ...
I guess i will just write him first but i have no idea what to say :( im so scared this fight will go on but i also cant let it go and talk to him about the weather.
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Why did you tell him that?
 
It was a conversation, we normally tell each other everything ... how we feel and stuff. And he tells me i'm clingy which i guess i am sometimes. We are pretty similar overall. Stubborn, sensitive, emotional etc.. i dont even know if it bothered him,im just thinking of everything i could have done or said that was wrong.
 
BlackHorse said:
It was a conversation, we normally tell each other everything ... how we feel and stuff. And he tells me i'm clingy which i guess i am sometimes. We are pretty similar overall. Stubborn, sensitive, emotional etc.. i dont even know if it bothered him,im just thinking of everything i could have done or said that was wrong.
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Telling each other everything can cut both ways. Telling the one person that they are being a specific (undesirable) way..., it can produce reactions which may or may not have negative consequences. Like telling a person that they are too sensitive, or clingy, it affects the person at their very core. At worst, it can make them question their entire sense of self. I don't think there is something wrong with having similar personality traits. It's the way we handle them that is important, especially in situations where those traits produce friction.

I have the feeling (and I think you do too) that you haven't been telling each other everything after all. The thing is, I don't think that you have to talk about everything in the literal sense - you should rather talk about all the things that are important to you, both of you. Like, in this case, telling each other that you are clingy (or sensitive) - it probably did produce a feeling in you that you either dismissed or didn't talk about, which most likely morphed into a feeling of resentment - at least in his case. It is one thing to have a friendly banter in which you are both secure of your feelings, knowing that it is only in jest. But this feels a little more like you are putting each other down, which is a somewhat more serious matter imo.

It takes strength and courage to be sensitive, much more even to allow yourself to be. For men, it may even be more difficult because of social conventions psychologically pushing them to be a certain way. It actually goes both ways, women are psychologically pressured through culture as well, but probably in different ways. I'm not saying you should make allowances, but awareness of all the ways in which we are forced to be a certain way on the outside can make it easier to find ways to work around it, be who you are and still be part of society, or even an intimate relationship. Each relationship is different, and you may need to find out how yours is unique and special, both as a unit and as individuals, to determine how to proceed.
 
Being open with each other is a good thing, but then there is the matter of how you go about it.
"You are clingy" = blaming. "I need some time alone cause I'm an introvert" = explaining your feelings. Own yours. :)
 
I think that we both have a problem with admiting that we did something wrong. For example if I prove to him that he's wrong about an argument he says "fuck off, I don't wanna talk anymore" or he says something else that hurts me and then we ignore each other for a while (few hours usually) until he admits he's wrong.. we also perceive these arguments differently. I always get hurt, he always thinks I'm overreacting. But on the other hand he's a super sensitive person as well and I just think he doesn't wanna talk about his emotions and fears. I was probably too harsh in the past wanting him to be strong I guess. And we always laugh about someone of us being clingy but maybe there was always a deeper meaning to it.
I think I understand better now. I was always so sure he loves me and will never leave me that I acted kinda mean or careless. We see each other for Christmas (hopefully) or on my birthday which is a bit sooner... So I guess I will have to wait till then to discuss everything? Through messages is kinda hard
 
BlackHorse said:
because he usually does and i told him he's acting kinda clingy - this doesnt rly bother me i just mentioned it to him
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BlackHorse said:
He used to give me a lot (too much in my opinion) but now suddenly his behavior changed. Its bothering me so much, im going crazy. It feels like he's trying to not ''spoil'' me as much as before but he went a little overboard with this attitude.
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Maybe because you told him he was clingy, now he is subconsciously trying to avoid being clingy as you have said.

You shouldn’t have said that in the first place, even if there was no ill intent. Words can make a big impact on a person, mentally and emotionally.

BlackHorse said:
It was a conversation, we normally tell each other everything ... how we feel and stuff. And he tells me i'm clingy which i guess i am sometimes. We are pretty similar overall. Stubborn, sensitive, emotional etc.. i dont even know if it bothered him,im just thinking of everything i could have done or said that was wrong.
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BlackHorse said:
For example if I prove to him that he's wrong about an argument he says "fuck off, I don't wanna talk anymore" or he says something else that hurts me and then we ignore each other for a while (few hours usually) until he admits he's wrong.. we also perceive these arguments differently. I always get hurt, he always thinks I'm overreacting. But on the other hand he's a super sensitive person as well and I just think he doesn't wanna talk about his emotions and fears.
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Sounds you both need to put on big pants, and have a big adult conversation. You two need to vastly improve on your communication skills, stop telling each other “you’re clingy” other names, etc etc. Also, telling each other everything is a double edged sword. It’s good to never keep feelings/secrets from your partner, but be aware of how you say things to each other. Saying you are “this and that” will always make an impact, and more and likely your partner will never forget it.

Talk to him.

Also avoid calling each other names and any other words with negative connotations. When you’re in a long distance relationship, communication is really all you have. You have to treat each other with love, respect, loyalty, and honesty; otherwise, it won’t work.
 
I don't think you have to wait until you see each other to talk things over.. let him cool down and then try to talk to him about it. I know it's unpleasant, but it has to be dealt with.
 
BlackHorse said:
Also he bought 2kg of protein powder for himself
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Wyote said:
Buy all of the powder so he can't have any.
That bastard.
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