I dont get this

[Eventhorizon]

I came here through discovery and some direction. Upon getting here I see many storys that mirror my own, in other ways not.

There are many statements here about emotion and emotions that leave me confused. I do "feel" for people. I do want to help people, feel compassion etc. But at the same time I dont let other peoples emotions sweep me away. For instance, I can see someone hurting because they have no food, no house, have lost someone close to them. At the same time I cant comfort them in any meaningful way that I can see. As an example, I know what its like to lose someone but I cant help someone else who has lost someone because I feel both repulsed and sickened by what I know they are going through. Its like I think, "I am not going to help multiply your grief by letting you know its ok to grieve." Does this make sense? I think, "You have to put your grief aside to get through it, to survive it." If I tell you its ok to be sick over your loss you might run with it and let it control your life...

I do not show emotion or empathy but I feel it deeply. ???

 

[Kgal]

Maybe you're an INTJ?

Maybe you know how to lock your emotions up tight whenever you are around others feeling their emotions?

Oh...btw.... it's better to go ahead and feel one's emotions than repress them. This facilitates healing.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Dont know is that what it means? New here, new to this. Hoping to find answers in from places I never had access to before or maybe thought to look.

 

[Chess]

I relate in a few ways. I tend not to be affected by the emotions of others, which according to a friend would make me a good shrink. I can read about depression, loss, mental illness, etc, and not really be that affected. Unfortunately, I'm terrible at actually connecting to others on an emotional level.

I don't agree with you on grief, though. It's a real process that people need, and they'll go through it on their own in their own time if there's nothing blocking them. A person isn't the kitchen sink and doesn't need to simply be fixed when they spring a leak.

I "put aside" grief for six years when my close friend committed suicide and it created a schism in me because of how much of my life was affected by the reasons and circumstance. I forcefully ripped out old aspects of my life and myself that I couldn't face because I felt they contributed to his death and were negative forces in life, but I didn't adjust well to what I replaced it with and my over-aggressiveness when I wasn't even certain deep down made me lack authenticity and will no matter which side I was on. It was a pretty hellish way to live, and the worst part was that I didn't fully understand what I was going through until I'd found my closure.

Why does grief repulse you? That's a strange reaction.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Chess - First, sorry about your friend. I have lost many myself and I dont have words that have enough meaning to well...mean anything or enough.

Repulsed and sickened... Sickened is easy because I know what its like to lose someone and how I felt. Because I assume other people feel the same when they lose someone close, I imagine what I think they feel...sick, sick of mind and heart. It might be part of the grieving process but I dont like it. I am tired of losing people, I dont want to lose any more. Repulsed is harder but I think its because emotions remind me of weakness that can destroy you. That can leave you in a corner rocking back and forth crying because you have lost some thing that can never be replaced. Real men dont cry, dont talk about crying or feel like they should. Instead I control them very well now. Cut them off at the root before they have time to flourish. Others showing emotion reminds me there is such a thing. So I generally just avoid the whole situation and feel sick but say little.

Im not saying its the best way to live but I am saying its a way to survive. Im also not saying this is right or wrong, just they way it is.

I lost my father, mother and a brother all within 4 years. Each left a hole, each has changed me in ways I am sure I dont even know. There is that saying, "What doesnt kill you makes you stronger." To this I have asked, how strong do you have to be? Dont worry though this happened a long time ago. I never cried for any of them though. Never felt sorry for myself. I just absorbed it. I had a dream after I lost my brother. In it I was holding his body and crying my eyes out. Someone walked up to me, a kind lady it seemed, put her finger on my upper lip and said, "Remember this." Then I woke up. Its funny, any time I start to question if I am human I think back to that dream.

Anyway probably said too much and more than I wanted. I just relate, even if I dont show it.

 

[drewson]

I had an experience back in 9th grade of a friend going through a terminal cancer. He had been going through treatments for some time and knew that his life would end soon. At the time I pretty much blocked out the whole situation from my mind. I was scared of my friend going to die and didn't want to deal with any of the feelings. A mutual friend of ours, who was visiting him, kept telling me I should visit. But I never did. I went to his benefit and would see him at church, but I never went out of my way to see him. Looking back now, I feel like I should of been a real friend back then and spent the time helping him. He didn't have many friends, so I'm sure I would of made a big difference.

Anyways, it's kind of a reverse way at looking at grief. Before the death of someone. Would you push the pain away, or accept it and try to make peace with it?

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

"I am not going to help multiply your grief by letting you know its ok to grieve." Does this make sense? I think, "You have to put your grief aside to get through it, to survive it."

“Joy multiplies when it is shared among friends, but grief diminishes with every division. That is life.”

― R.A. Salvatore, Exile

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Dont know is that what it means? New here, new to this. Hoping to find answers in from places I never had access to before or maybe thought to look.

While either wallowing in, or facilitating other people to wallow in blue emotions may not be constructive, having some empathy is. When people go through difficulty it can be a very isolating experience. Showing that you sense and feel someone's pain helps them feel connected, which is constructive. However, some people seem conditioned to seek connection by displaying distress. For such people positive reinforcement of positive dispositions - and withdrawal from sorrowful attention seeking seems necessary.

It depends on whether the person is going through something extraordinary, or if the person is a serial victim/drama queen.

 

[Eventhorizon]

The deaths I am familiar with were very sudden. There was little time to get past the disbelief or perhaps better said, the belief everything was going to be ok. Later, I was just numb, confused etc. I felt guilty occasionally not knowing why I didnt cry or feel pain, I only felt heart sick and numb...

 

[Eventhorizon]

Its not as if I have pushed friends away going through grief, it just that I never really had anything or knew anything to say that would help because I knew there wasnt anything that would.

 

[WellNoWonder]

Its not as if I have pushed friends away going through grief, it just that I never really had anything or knew anything to say that would help because I knew there wasnt anything that would.

It's good to not pretend to know what to say or do.