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How things work: Your version

Discussion in 'Imagination Exercises' started by Flush, Dec 28, 2008.

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  1. Flush

    Flush Newbie

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    Gravity this, gravity that. When will people understand that gravity doesn't exist?
    The graviton still hasn't been found, which is understandable, as gravity's just a quick way to explain something humans have been incapable of grasping. Until know.
    I know what keeps us on the ground, and it's not gravity.

    The answer is light.
    Light presses us down.
    This makes perfect sense, and the existance of light has actually been proven! Photons, people!

    So, I'll explain in more detail.
    The summer is the bright time of the year. There is a lot of light, which means we don't need much clothes to stay on the ground. However, when night falls, and the sun is turned off, we have to lie down under a blanket in order to stay down. The blanket makes sure that the small amount of light that's still there makes contact with us; we have increased the size of our contact area.
    When the sun rises, blankets aren't needed anymore.

    The winter is a dark chapter of each year, and it is highly recommended to wear a lot of clothes during that time. That's why mother's always remind their children to wear gloves and warm socks, for example. You need to increase the contact area as much as possible, or you'll fly away. Simple. The amount of clothes is always proportional to the amount of light. In the spring and autumn, people aren't wearing as much as they would in the winter, but more than they would in the summer.

    Why do you float in space?
    Because it's fucking dark up there!

    Your turn. How do things ACTUALLY work?
     
    #1 Flush, Dec 28, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2008
  2. AntoniaDodge

    AntoniaDodge Regular Poster

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    You know, Flush - I would marry you for that. But we'll have time for flattery later. There is a serious issue that needs to be addressed and I'm here to get the word out.

    It's no secret that America has been feeling the effects of Obesity in a way that frightens the medical industry. And many would have you think it's based on a high calorie, refined sugar and simple carbohydrate diet combined with a sedentary lifestyle. But while that "convenient" explanation may pass muster with most of the uneducated masses, I'm here to say that's all completely wrong. It's not diet and lifestyle.

    It's pirates.

    Or, rather, the decline in the number of high seas pirates. If you look at statistical analysis you'll find that - as the number of obesity patients (including children between the ages of four and twelve) continues to go up, the number of acts of high seas piracy goes down. Coincidence? Well, not if you're a thinking person of impeccable logic. Many in the past have made the reasonable leap from gaining fatty tissue and diminishing incidents of rum-soaked hooligans in oceanic burglary. A thinking but ignorant person may well ask, "How do pirates prevent obesity?" and possibly, "Where can I find information about this fabulous new weight loss plan?" Pirates prevent weight gain in a number of healthy and fun ways:

    1. Pirates strike fear in the hearts of beach dwellers and mariners alike. We all know that if you're afraid, you're not eating much. It's like that time when your mom made you your favorite enchiladas because you lied and told her you were now in the Honor Society when really you were just late cause Kenny Feldman was waiting behind the gym to Roundhouse your weenie ass and now you don't have the $27 you made selling chocolate for band which they'll assume you either stole or ate in chocolate since there's no way you can make $27 in less than fifteen hours and you definitely can't go on the band field trip now and there's no way you'll get Michelle Baker to notice you made first chair in flutes and maybe kiss you with tongue and now you're life is RUINED.

    You just weren't eating much that night were you, fatty? It's been all the OTHER nights since that made you chub up.

    2. Pirates promote a thinning, vice friendly lifestyle.
    Everyone knows the best way to lose weight and keep it off is to take up smoking and drinking and forsake all other nutrients. When Pirates are a visible part of society people can't help but admire their adventurous career and slim physiques. This encourages people to stop eating so damn much and see the many advantages of an all-rum and cigarette diet. Need further proof? Just ask your mom's youngest brother, Evan, who the rest of the family doesn't really mention during holidays or in polite company. Has Evan EVER been tubby? Maybe as a teenager, when he was still in his 'gateway drug' phase. But since then I'll guarantee he's been a svelte 120 to 130 lbs, and he keeps it off!

    3. Pirates are big advocates for Scurvy awareness.
    I think I read somewhere in Women's Day or something that citrus helps in the digestion of food and helps in weight loss. And what do we do to fight Scurvy? Limes, of course! If some citrus is good, then all citrus must be better! Take a lesson from Pirates and introduce limes into your rum and cigarette regime.

    4. Pirates will sometimes take your food from you, thus preventing you from eating it.
    Pirates steal stuff - it's what they do! If you make your food look extra good (but not so good that you eat it before a pirate has the opportunity to take it from you at musket point), then if you put yourself in the path of pirates there's a good chance they'll knock you over the head and pilfer it from you. Pirates are hungry - they've been living on freaking limes and rum for months and months. If they take your food, now you're hungry! Just like those svelte pirates! Also, if they hit you hard enough you'll end up in the hospital and be fed through a tube, which I hear isn't fattening.

    5. Pirates chase people sometimes when they're on the mainland.
    This is similar to number four in that you'll have to put yourself in the path of pirates, and be someone they'll chase instead of simply run through or shoot. You might want to be a buxom woman for this one. But if you are, the weight loss possibilities are endless.

    Thus in conclusion, it's clear to see the direct correlation between weight loss and active high seas piracy. My recommendation is that we IMMEDIATELY move the entire U.S. population to exclusively seaside and beach front property and actively encourage oceanic robbery. It's our only chance if we don't want to all die of morbid obesity one day.

    Please. For the children.
     
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  3. FC3S

    FC3S Community Member

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    I find the world is held together by green stuff.

    If it is plants or money, that has yet to be seen.
     
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  4. slant

    slant Ruboobie
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    Well, let's see.....God [ [​IMG]] and the Devil [ [​IMG]] pretty much control everything, and sometimes they get into bitter arguements about the use of medicine as well as The Devil thinking poorly of God's tendency to buy flashy mercedes. Personally, I'm on the Devil's side. :spider: The idea of God makes me almost feel we worship someone a bit...unstable.
     
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  5. PEPPERTOP

    PEPPERTOP Newbie

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    That was so friggen cute. I'm a guy, by the way.
    I'll try. I have a few minutes to spare.

    People think plants grow due to factors such as the sun, water, soil, photosynthesis, blah, blah, and more lies. It's actually all dead particles of deceased insects.

    Seeds are naturally poisonous. Once consumed, they sporadically pulsate minute volumes of venom throughout the host's body. To us it is minute, to bugs it is instant death. Once the seeds are planted, the smaller bugs nip off bits of the seed which encircles it with death and decay. After a while, other bugs feed on the dead and, those who are skilled enough to reach, the seed. As more and more bodies of insects are collected, they begin to fuse together due to the pressure of the soil. They morph together and while the smaller to medium sized bugs expand downwards, the larger grow upwards. They start to thin out because they grow only in certain directions, not like human beings who expand every which way.
    As more and more bugs eat and die, they too become infused with the plant and their dead carcass that would usually be left to rot and be consumed by bacteria are now part of a dead monument. This monument was actually considered the home of insects, sanctified by ... someone important to be solely used by the cute little creatures.

    As time moved on, this unwritten rule was forgotten and now it is riddled with animals who dorm and even eat the very insects that have a natural stake and claim to the plant/tree.

    Why is it good for plants to be in good soil? Because more bugs are able to thrive in such an environment. Why is it good for plants to have water? Because bugs, like all living things, need water. And why do plants thrive under the sun? Because since most bugs live under ground, they need a heat source to live (which is ironic because we're talking about their death here).


    Mine's not as good :m142:
     
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