And I've posted this one on here before, but...
How do other people see us?
- Thread starter Morgenstern36
- Start date
And I've posted this one on here before, but...
WonkyOracle
Permanent Fixture
I hope I'm able to write this in a way that makes the point of this post clear and easy to understand. As I have a habit of throwing myself down Rabbit holes and getting stuck.
Back when I was about 17/18 years old, I got my first job in an old Museum. There were 3 Galleries ranging from Small, Medium and Large. The first 2 galleries changed every 6 weeks or so whilst gallery 3 remained more or less the same, give or take the odd display case.
One day, the unpardonable sin was committed in gallery 2. There was a 1 week window between exhibitions. Which meant the gallery would have to sit bare for an entire week. The answer to this would be to just drag out some old paintings from storage and hang them up, simples...but there was always a ton of paperwork / insurance claims to fill out.
So, being bright eyed and bushy tailed thriving to make my mark in the world, I proposed an idea to the curator...It was daring and new as well as slightly left of centre. I proposed that I raid the petty cash tin and buy 4 of the biggest bits of flat canvas boards I can find. So, when I returned I asked the Exhibition officer ( who was in charge of these things ) to help me.
We combined the canvas to make one big piece of blank white canvas. Then the Exhibition officer quickly drilled a small bit of wood at the bottom, ( much like you see at the bottom of teachers boards in class ) and simply left an assortment of pens, pencils, crayons and permanent markers. With no signs or clue as to what was going on. Gallery 2 was all but bare , except for the big canvas on the wall. I asked that the staff simply play naive whenever asked about gallery 2.
Then it began to happen!
Visitors began to write on the canvas... Some did it with abandon and others with the composure of a suburban Fox.
'' Cool exhibit ''
'' LOL ''
'' So n so Smells ''
'' WTF ''
'' Awesome Museum, will be back ''
'' so n so was here ''
'' this sucks ''
and so on and so forth.
I had a theory at the time, no matter how flawed, that your average human being cannot stand vacuums. So instead of just accepting it for what it is, they can't help but project bits of themselves on to it then label it. Unknowingly , most the time.
This, has been a recurring theme in my life. I'm now pretty sure that it's an INFJ thing. Throughout my entire working life, I've recreated that very same experiment over and over again, but in my mind. Where I use myself as the canvas. So, I used to work in a hotel, where I didn't play the game of gossiping and backstabbing which is all too rife in the hospitality industry. So instead of just accepting who I was, ( a quiet, considerate worker with an eye for detail ) which would have been apparent to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention.. I was branded, a coward, liar , insecure, untrustworthy, simple, thick, slow, lonely, shy and useless. All because I didn't burst through the doors every night with a big loud , plastic , wow look at me persona.
In my last week of employment at that place, I came out from behind the curtain and confessed to the receptionist who used to treat and speak to me, like I was the lonely kid on his first day at school, even though I'd been there 2 years. Bless her kind soul but her face was a picture when I explained the deal.
I then spent the following week repeating what had been said about me, to those who said it. Because I noticed a curious thing...
They weren't talking about me when they labelled me, they were projecting things about themselves...
Utterly fascinating.
I'm wondering if anybody else on here has similar experiences and insights, as for the longest time like I've said in previous threads, I thought I was all alone in this... Nope, just belong to the 1% of the world.
Back when I was about 17/18 years old, I got my first job in an old Museum. There were 3 Galleries ranging from Small, Medium and Large. The first 2 galleries changed every 6 weeks or so whilst gallery 3 remained more or less the same, give or take the odd display case.
One day, the unpardonable sin was committed in gallery 2. There was a 1 week window between exhibitions. Which meant the gallery would have to sit bare for an entire week. The answer to this would be to just drag out some old paintings from storage and hang them up, simples...but there was always a ton of paperwork / insurance claims to fill out.
So, being bright eyed and bushy tailed thriving to make my mark in the world, I proposed an idea to the curator...It was daring and new as well as slightly left of centre. I proposed that I raid the petty cash tin and buy 4 of the biggest bits of flat canvas boards I can find. So, when I returned I asked the Exhibition officer ( who was in charge of these things ) to help me.
We combined the canvas to make one big piece of blank white canvas. Then the Exhibition officer quickly drilled a small bit of wood at the bottom, ( much like you see at the bottom of teachers boards in class ) and simply left an assortment of pens, pencils, crayons and permanent markers. With no signs or clue as to what was going on. Gallery 2 was all but bare , except for the big canvas on the wall. I asked that the staff simply play naive whenever asked about gallery 2.
Then it began to happen!
Visitors began to write on the canvas... Some did it with abandon and others with the composure of a suburban Fox.
'' Cool exhibit ''
'' LOL ''
'' So n so Smells ''
'' WTF ''
'' Awesome Museum, will be back ''
'' so n so was here ''
'' this sucks ''
and so on and so forth.
I had a theory at the time, no matter how flawed, that your average human being cannot stand vacuums. So instead of just accepting it for what it is, they can't help but project bits of themselves on to it then label it. Unknowingly , most the time.
This, has been a recurring theme in my life. I'm now pretty sure that it's an INFJ thing. Throughout my entire working life, I've recreated that very same experiment over and over again, but in my mind. Where I use myself as the canvas. So, I used to work in a hotel, where I didn't play the game of gossiping and backstabbing which is all too rife in the hospitality industry. So instead of just accepting who I was, ( a quiet, considerate worker with an eye for detail ) which would have been apparent to anyone paying the slightest bit of attention.. I was branded, a coward, liar , insecure, untrustworthy, simple, thick, slow, lonely, shy and useless. All because I didn't burst through the doors every night with a big loud , plastic , wow look at me persona.
In my last week of employment at that place, I came out from behind the curtain and confessed to the receptionist who used to treat and speak to me, like I was the lonely kid on his first day at school, even though I'd been there 2 years. Bless her kind soul but her face was a picture when I explained the deal.
I then spent the following week repeating what had been said about me, to those who said it. Because I noticed a curious thing...
They weren't talking about me when they labelled me, they were projecting things about themselves...
Utterly fascinating.
I'm wondering if anybody else on here has similar experiences and insights, as for the longest time like I've said in previous threads, I thought I was all alone in this... Nope, just belong to the 1% of the world.
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I will come back to this when I can think of more to say but this gallery thing^ OMG that jut shows how stupid people are, I never would have done that- I never would have presumed that an empty gallery with pens around was the exhibit itself.... I'm sorry if that sounds arrogant but I can just picture it and it makes me laugh. It makes you wonder why people go to art galleries at all, when they obviously find it hard to think for themselves. But I can well imagine people doing that, and I don't dispute that it happened. It just makes me laugh.
The other thing about being hard working and people projecting their crap onto you if you are, is I'm afraid, also true. My aunt actually said to me years ago that she had learnt the hard way not to be too contentious and hard working in the very beginning, when starting a job, because people just take advantage - or try and tear you down.
You've got a Virgo moon like me (not trolling you, (lol) just saw it on the sun/ moon sign thread,- and having a Virgo moon I notice detail)! - it's doubly so of us, we are contentious folk. In my last job my colleagues actually joked (meaning it though), that I shouldn't work so hard as it would make them look bad!
Wow. You are a cleaver one. I want to do this! I think I sort of done it in the past, but out of habit and not really keeping track of what others said or did. This is very intriguing concept. How could you stand staying so quiet while knowing the others were so cruel? I would have left immediately.
^I apologise because I missed this important part of your thread. I definitely concur I have had these experiences too and thought it was just to do with me. Unless it's a very nice no-bullshit "aware" type of person I'm dealing with, - I seem to get into these scenarios at work again and again. As INFJ's with introverted intuition and external feeling, I think people maybe see that as a perfect invitation to take advantage of our ability to be multiple, and adaptable- to just project their stuff onto us. Maybe because were not overly rigid and 2 dimensional in our being-ness. I don't know I'm not explaining it very well, it probably also has to do that we hate having arguments. I would rather give someone the benefit of the doubt that have an argument. Unfortunately though it can lead to problems, if the INFJ does not defend themselves or learn to speak up. I think it can lead to defensiveness and prickly behaviour (in my case at least). I'm trying to learn to be more assertive in an easy-going way. To be more self-assured and not so swayed by others BS - but also to have clearer boundaries.
Another aspect of this is that just not going along with the crowd. Being different can I think- be hard for people to accept and to take. People will want to tear you down for that, probably because they can't understand it.
WonkyOracle
Permanent Fixture
I think the key is to really understand that they are projecting. So when someone calls you a loser, they're using you as a mirror without realising. Anytime someone has said such a thing to me I've always ( with a smile and genuine curiosity ) ask them why they think I'm say. a loser. Their reply is almost always a stutter or some child like gibberish. Because it seems like their thought process rarely goes beyond the initial insult. So when you know that. you can feel pity for them. As you know 100% it's not you it's them.
Now I confess, the one that got me riled up was being called a liar. Loser, Coward etc etc, is just cheap and nasty, but the liar is a bit deeper. It's personal and is potentially damning to my livelihood. I refrained with that one as well, as it became blindingly obvious that the person who said it was entangled and snared by their lies that they had sold to themselves. Which from my own personal view point, is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Lie.
It does take a bit of patience, but so long as you observe keenly and never lose your cheer, you will learn so much about others and yourself. So when someone says you're a coward, don't fall into the trap of acting tough whenever said person is around. That only proves their point, because nobody should have that level of control over you.
Hope that helps man, it is fascinating though...
I need to say though, the opinions of people rarely if ever get to me, I care only for the opinions of those I love and those I know have my back. Everything else is just a talking doughnut hole.
Dude .... I literally just wrote to another poster the following about myself:
"I've a very shiny personality. so shiny in fact that often times what people see in me is just themselves reflected back."
I find it interesting that in your experience people have reflected the negative aspects of themself onto you, where as in my experience people tend to reflect the positive aspects. I wonder what causes that?
WonkyOracle
Permanent Fixture
I don't think society has ever got on well with true individuals. When I look at the commercial world selling its '' unique '' and '' individual '' packages that are anything but. It reminds me of just how contrived our public personas are. It's all about the labels and the looks rather than the substance. It's almost ( to me anyway ) how labels and looks are a kind of float to keep us from sinking too deep. Gotta keep us on the surface, can't let us go too deep now. You know when we live our lives like that we're really just accepting our fate as goldfish in plastic bags at the theme park. Just getting passed about then dumped out the back when there's no money in us anymore.
I agree though, I don't like arguments, discussions are cool, bit of back and forth banter is amazing, but bloody eyed, red faced volatile saliva javelin contests are rarely productive.
I no longer concern myself with boundaries, although I believe they are useful , I just try to ghost in and out of people and their drivel.
WonkyOracle
Permanent Fixture
I've no idea what causes that. maybe because you're outwards and '' shiny '' they see it as a hand to hold on to . Whereas when I'm blank and don't expect or require anything of them, they don't know what to do. Whenever I felt sorry for them I'd just ask them what phone they have or what car they drive and off they'd go for ages, telling me the ins and outs of this , that and the next thing. How it's soo much better than the last and how life is so much easier etc etc... Ask them a question about love, pain, relationships, life , anything, and they shut down and looked confused.
So back we go to talking about the Game last night.
One other thing which I think is relevant to this topic. This is a bit esoteric, but it may be relevant to INFJ's so I'll put it out there. I've been told I have the colour silver in my auric field and having this means that you act like a mirror to others. It's challenging to have it because you bring out both the best and the worst in others.
They see themselves the good and bad, through interacting with you. So maybe, in this light some of that projection is the person getting into their shadow behaviour around you so you can show it up for them.
^I do wonder about this. Really interesting.