How do other people see us?

[James]

Being a very Ni-oriented INFJ, I often have more in common with INTPs and INTJs than other INFJs, at least in my behavior. People generally see me as socially awkward but insightful, and only my close friends and family see the more sensitive side of me. Even then I am prone to keep them at arm's length, since I often have trouble expressing my emotions properly.

She sound like a kind and loving person.

@Morgenstern36 she was, she is sadly now deceased, but happily free from all pain. It is nearly 20 years ago now.

@tentacledGnostalgic I think I maybe understand, but you are not alone as an INFJ with science/maths leanings. Among Feeler types, perhaps INFJ's are the most driven towards logical and intellectual pursuit. Do you draw, paint, play a musical instrument ? Anything to express yourself might help you commuincate in a way that feels more natural to you.

 

[Sandie33]

but I do smile... it's just, other people aren't aware that me happy/smiling is not a gigantic grin,

Perhaps it is because they don't see that your eyes are smiling not your lips I intimidate the crap out of people. I've reached the age that I look people in the eye...no, I don't stare, rather it's to gauge where they're at. Perhaps this is why the "staring into your soul" thing gets attributed to the INFJ. I've seen many a smiling eye over the years. INFJ are hands down poker-face people...except in their eyes

 

[Hoodie]

Haha, @Sandie33 that could be it. I tend to look people in the eye and watch them very closely, too. I never knew I was doing anything different from anyone else until a lady that was assessing me for something noted my eye contact. When someone is talking I look at them. A lot. Since then I've noticed people will do double takes sometimes when I'm looking at them- I wasn't staring, they were looking at me too, but it's like they're looking back at me surprised. I really don't know.

 

[Scientia]

I asked last year what people see because I am more than terrible at reading such things. Colleagues said that I appear quiet and professional until you get to know me lol. My students said I am entertaining and smart and they can tell me anything (and they do - it's awkward sometimes).

 

[Aluni]

I have terrible social anxiety, probably because I'm a huge bully magnet. I started to just smile at everyone that comes into my 20 foot space bubble.... at work, at the store or anywhere. You should see some of the frown faces I get in return sometimes, but it's wonderful and therapeutic when people smile back.
I've been told I look stuck up (that's the polar of the truth). Also been told I can "strike up conversation with anyone"...... Funny that!

 

[just me]

I'm fairly sure my mother was INFJ. One time she was in the garden, and there was a bird hoping around on the ground and seemingly struggling to fly. My mother went over to it, and very gently put her finger out like a perch. Unbelievable to me, the bird hopped onto her finger. She walked back into our kitchen and held her hand up to the window to check the bird. She chatted away to it, like it was a friend. The whole thing was like something out of Mary Poppins. The bird's injury or problem must have been shortlived.

It flew off her finger and around the kitchen. She held out her finger again, and it flew back there. She opened the back door and shortly after, it flew away. I stood there, like a mute. It blew me away. I think the bird somehow sensed she was not a threat, which she wasn't. If I hadn't been there and seen it all, I'd never have believed any of it, but I promise that was exactly how it happened. Incredible to me, my mother did not seem even slightly surprised by what had gone on. Although I am an INFJ nothing like that has ever happened to me, but she was gentle in a scale way past me. INFJ women are probably different to INFJ men (insert joke here) I think. I will guess they have had similar experiences.

We found a Brown Thrasher in one of our gardens after the storm that could not even hop away.. I picked it up and moved my finger until it unclenched its little feet and wrapped them around my finger. Prayed for it. Asked for an eyedropper and water, which we gave it several drinks of water. Dug a worm for it, sat it down, and it picked at the worm two or three times til the worm was all gone. I herded it through the fence where our dog could not get to it to a safe place. It was now hopping. Later it was gone. Sometimes they come to us for our help, and they certainly know who is feeding them. I've had a lot of bird experiences. We are supposed to be as one with this world we all live in, as much as possible. Birds are much easier than a lot of people to be with, though there are some really great people out there. Thanks for sharing the story about your Mother. :cathug:

 

[Eventhorizon]

There are many different parts of the eye that help to create vision. Light passes through the cornea, the clear, dome-shaped surface that covers the front of the eye. The cornea bends - or refracts - this incoming light. The iris, the colored part of the eye, regulates the size of the pupil, the opening that controls the amount of light that enters the eye. Behind the pupil is the lens, a clear part of the eye that further focuses light, or an image, onto the retina. The retina is a thin, delicate, photosensitive tissue that contains the special “photoreceptor” cells that convert light into electrical signals. These electrical signals are processed further, and then travel from the retina of the eye to the brain through the optic nerve, a bundle of about one million nerve fibers. We “see” with our brains; our eyes collect visual information and begin this complex process. - some website

 

[Aluni]

 

[copyright.kcors]

I asked last year what people see because I am more than terrible at reading such things. Colleagues said that I appear quiet and professional until you get to know me lol. My students said I am entertaining and smart and they can tell me anything (and they do - it's awkward sometimes).

Oh! Those are the exact words people use to describe me too!
For my colleagues- they think im serious, intimidating, professional, scary but once they know me, they say, they see the exact opposite of their 1st impression.

For my subordinates- they see me warm, caring and like they can just open up anything they want to say to me.

Wow! It pretty much amazing having to see that infjs experience the same things... comforting that i am not alone.

 

[Rycka]

I have read many articles and memes saying that INFJs come off as being "cold", "unapproachable" etc. Do you feel this is true?

Recently, I was in a situation with a group of acquaintances. They were making fun of the fact that I do not smile very much. It was the kind of teasing that gave me the impression I was the brunt of a joke.

I may not smile, but I feel I am a genuinely kind and warm person.

That's a good question. I personally don't get that I'm cold, but I often get that I'm smart, strange and somewhat sensitive. Of course, that's just what I hear and there are certainly things which they leave unsaid. Perhaps sometimes I appear as arrogant, even though I feel empathetic inside.

 

[WonkyOracle]

Shy and Intelligent are the two most common words I've heard people describe me as. I prefer the term Introvert as I'm not shy, I just can't be bothered explaining myself to people half the time.

Have to confess though I lose a lot of respect for those who try to '' read '' me.

On the flip side though it's always fun to see the workplace idiot think he's more than you and strut around like a dumb rooster with his false superiority. He was the sleazy type, everything, and I mean everything was sexual in nature. His jokes, his general conversations, everything. He once put his hands behind his head whilst sitting on his chair and declared himself '' the genius of the night shift '' Whilst the office he was in was a converted cleaners cupboard.

He was always reasonably nice to me during the night when everyone was away, but as soon as he had an audience he tried to make me the butt of his lame , unfunny trite jokes. Which never worked. But I always held my silence, thinking it was the dignified thing to do. Some people thought it was weakness, others thought it was the sign of intelligence, but none of that mattered.

Like all fools, he eventually gathered so much rope he hadn't a clue what to do with it other than to hang himself ( metaphorically of course )

One morning he was thinking out loud whilst watching the tv, it had two scuba divers on it about to hit the water. He asked '' why do they go backwards ? '' to which I replied in my best unimpressed deadpan voice, '' because if they went forward they'd still be in the boat '' Needless to say his audience loved it and his face was like thunder.

The little jester was all for dishing it, but seldom did he take it.

Excuse the ramble, but I could go on, maybe come back to this over the weekend as its a good concept.

 

[Morgenstern36]

Shy and Intelligent are the two most common words I've heard people describe me as. I prefer the term Introvert as I'm not shy, I just can't be bothered explaining myself to people half the time.

Have to confess though I lose a lot of respect for those who try to '' read '' me.

On the flip side though it's always fun to see the workplace idiot think he's more than you and strut around like a dumb rooster with his false superiority. He was the sleazy type, everything, and I mean everything was sexual in nature. His jokes, his general conversations, everything. He once put his hands behind his head whilst sitting on his chair and declared himself '' the genius of the night shift '' Whilst the office he was in was a converted cleaners cupboard.

He was always reasonably nice to me during the night when everyone was away, but as soon as he had an audience he tried to make me the butt of his lame , unfunny trite jokes. Which never worked. But I always held my silence, thinking it was the dignified thing to do. Some people thought it was weakness, others thought it was the sign of intelligence, but none of that mattered.

Like all fools, he eventually gathered so much rope he hadn't a clue what to do with it other than to hang himself ( metaphorically of course )

One morning he was thinking out loud whilst watching the tv, it had two scuba divers on it about to hit the water. He asked '' why do they go backwards ? '' to which I replied in my best unimpressed deadpan voice, '' because if they went forward they'd still be in the boat '' Needless to say his audience loved it and his face was like thunder.

The little jester was all for dishing it, but seldom did he take it.

Excuse the ramble, but I could go on, maybe come back to this over the weekend as its a good concept.

Shy and Intelligent are the two most common words I've heard people describe me as. I prefer the term Introvert as I'm not shy, I just can't be bothered explaining myself to people half the time.

Have to confess though I lose a lot of respect for those who try to '' read '' me.

On the flip side though it's always fun to see the workplace idiot think he's more than you and strut around like a dumb rooster with his false superiority. He was the sleazy type, everything, and I mean everything was sexual in nature. His jokes, his general conversations, everything. He once put his hands behind his head whilst sitting on his chair and declared himself '' the genius of the night shift '' Whilst the office he was in was a converted cleaners cupboard.

He was always reasonably nice to me during the night when everyone was away, but as soon as he had an audience he tried to make me the butt of his lame , unfunny trite jokes. Which never worked. But I always held my silence, thinking it was the dignified thing to do. Some people thought it was weakness, others thought it was the sign of intelligence, but none of that mattered.

Like all fools, he eventually gathered so much rope he hadn't a clue what to do with it other than to hang himself ( metaphorically of course )

One morning he was thinking out loud whilst watching the tv, it had two scuba divers on it about to hit the water. He asked '' why do they go backwards ? '' to which I replied in my best unimpressed deadpan voice, '' because if they went forward they'd still be in the boat '' Needless to say his audience loved it and his face was like thunder.

The little jester was all for dishing it, but seldom did he take it.

Excuse the ramble, but I could go on, maybe come back to this over the weekend as its a good concept.

Oh I do love the feeling when someone can casually put down someone like that. That is a high someone can ride on for some time.

 

[WonkyOracle]

Oh I do love the feeling when someone can casually put down someone like that. That is a high someone can ride on for some time.

It's weird isn't it. For months his little audience who thought him a douche of the lowest order, were of the impression I was shy or simple simply for holding a dignified silence. Douche canoe thought it was a sign of weakness so went in for the kill. But with one quip delivered with an ice cool breeze the entire perception changes. I have to say, Girls are better at picking up these things than guys. From that day on they knew there was more under the surface than I was ever going to let on.

Plus he made a rod for his own back from night one, when he was annoying and making a fool of one of our team members then smugly turned to me and said, '' oh don't worry, when I've figured you out and got inside your head, I'll rip you a apart as well '' Thought to myself, '' its not the getting in that's the hard part ''

It's like the chinese say, sit by the river long enough you'll see the bodies of your enemies float by, I believe it the same for little karmic lessons... So long as you don't go all Hulk, I believe life will deliver them on a plate for you to take or leave.

 

[Morgenstern36]

It's weird isn't it. For months his little audience who thought him a douche of the lowest order, were of the impression I was shy or simple simply for holding a dignified silence. Douche canoe thought it was a sign of weakness so went in for the kill. But with one quip delivered with an ice cool breeze the entire perception changes. I have to say, Girls are better at picking up these things than guys. From that day on they knew there was more under the surface than I was ever going to let on.

Plus he made a rod for his own back from night one, when he was annoying and making a fool of one of our team members then smugly turned to me and said, '' oh don't worry, when I've figured you out and got inside your head, I'll rip you a apart as well '' Thought to myself, '' its not the getting in that's the hard part ''

It's like the chinese say, sit by the river long enough you'll see the bodies of your enemies float by, I believe it the same for little karmic lessons... So long as you don't go all Hulk, I believe life will deliver them on a plate for you to take or leave.

Hmm I like that. I will have to keep that in mind.

 

[Zen]

I have read many articles and memes saying that INFJs come off as being "cold", "unapproachable" etc. Do you feel this is true?

Recently, I was in a situation with a group of acquaintances. They were making fun of the fact that I do not smile very much. It was the kind of teasing that gave me the impression I was the brunt of a joke.

I may not smile, but I feel I am a genuinely kind and warm person.

It is not how other people see us, it is all about how we see them.

 

[Morgenstern36]

It is not how other people see us, it is all about how we see them.

Haha I love it!!

 

[Ryso89]

Others can only see us as they have seen the world themselves.

 

[CosmicINFJ]

Random responses. I've had people say that I smile a lot and also that I should smile more.
Resting bitch face while dancing is one of my favourites. Who's says that you can't have fun and not smile? I'm smiling inside.
"Wow, you really came out of your shell today" implies that I am in a shell much of the time.
It takes so much time maintaining the relationships that I have, I find it difficult to be too concerned about creating the right impression most of the time. If I was looking for a mate, I'm sure it would be different. That's something I've trained myself to turn off out of necessity. Mixed signals are so anti climatic. No sorry, we can't sleep together.
People say that I am trustworthy. Determined. Loyal. That I'm quiet and reserved. People say, 'Don't mess with him" I think that I've earned that, after many years of putting up with crap, I don't. People say that I care. Some have said that I care too much. People have said, he kind of freaks me out a bit. This has to do with me knowing what people are thinking or observing without saying anything. A lot of people are not comfortable with silence.
There is probably more, but this is a good start.
I like this thread. Thank you.

 

[t5juyt]

It is not how other people see us, it is all about how we see them.

I've tried four previous times to put my thoughts on this topic down. But Zen's hit the nail on the head for me. That's where my focus is on the topic. Great thread, though. I identify with a lot of what I've read.

 

[Morgenstern36]

I am empathize and realate to many of the points that you have made. Thanks for sharing.