[INTP] - Help with infj guy | INFJ Forum

[INTP] Help with infj guy

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Contnou, Sep 14, 2018.

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  1. Contnou

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    Hi everyone,

    I am posting here as I need help and I don’t know who else to ask.
    It goes like this.
    Met this guy over tinder, we hit it off from the start, starting talking almost everyday, then literally everyday, met, had sex, some mistundersandings I leave. We continued talking, in the meanwhile I pass him the test, he scores INFJ, 2 weeks later we meet again, have sex, we have another fight, where I admit, I have overreacted and then left. Before leaving I told him I don’t want to see him again and he first asked me if I have feelings for him. I said no. I get home and he texted me that he really really liked me and that he actually saw a future ahead of us but that night I had proved him wrong. I answered that I agreed that I overreacted and it wasn’t his fault only. But I still think we should separate ways. In a logical way I saw we couldn’t be together as our goals could be met only detrimental to each other.

    But days went by and I realized I missed this guy and our talks. I was more than surprised, it’s extremely hard for me to fall for someone. I had to make a decision. Trust logic or at least try and see what happenes. What seemed like a game at the start, appeared to actually be his genuine way of showing affection towards me. I just had a really hard time someone could be so honestly gentle from the start.

    And I texted him, saying that Surprisingly I miss him and that I’m Willing to try to see how things evolve between us. I sort of explained my back story to understand why I have reacted to way I did in the two times I went to his place and left in the middle of the night.
    He answered one day late only because I texted him that it hurts not knowing where I stand and feeling like I’m talking to a wall. I said just say no, and I’ll delete your number and never contact you again.
    He then answered he never wants me to do that, but we should take it slow for the moment as I have to hand in my thesis by the end of this month( one of the reasons we met only twice, even though he wanted me to come by way more often). Suggested we could meet after a week and actually stay over night.
    He also said he wanted to keep it commitment free.
    I asked what does that mean and he said that we shouldn’t make any plans and just start slow with sleeping over and movies. I said fine as it seemed only natural after that.
    But then, complete silence from him, I was the only one texting like 3 times regarding logistics (when should we meet and once when I got drunk saying I missed him) and he answered one or 2 days later.
    I stayed over his place 2 nights ago, when I was there he was again very nice and comforting. I actually had the feeling that he oversells things. E.g.This time I brought ingredients to make breakfast but then he mentioned having a meeting early and that we could take pastries from downstairs and have breakfast in bed. Sounded very lovely and romantic but we ended up having sex in the morning. Made jokes about how our names would be combined if we were to get married (?- I’m not saying I want it, but I find it odd that men joke about these things. I myself wouldn’t) or telling me how he’ll teach me swedish( I am an expat and he’s not).
    But then again. I leave and no text, but hugs and part ways.
    At first I thought he was a player And Then surprised that he’s not and actually so amazing, but now I have no clue which one is right.
    On one hand I was thinking to not text him and wait for him to do, which night take weeks or me waiting until forever.
    Or text him in a week or so and ask what’s up with him? Another idea was to stop talking with him until I have my thesis finished. On the other hand what if this ends whatever was there between us?
    I already apologized and I feel any more of that would only hurt my position.
    On the other hand, I feel humiliated, I feel like his playing me and I was so f****ng stupid to fall for it.
    I keep hearing also that this is the “Swedish” way. People meet have sex and then when they are comfortable enough they start dating but it’s odd to believe that when I know how he was before.
    Now another thing is that I matched another guy on tinder with
    Whom I started talking. He seems nice and interesting and he’s an INTP too. He already asked me out and I kind of postponed it due to my situation with this guy. Now I have no idea what to do. If the INFJ would show any sign that he’s interested I would cut ties with the other in an instant. And give him the space he wants and wait until I’m done with things too.
    But I feel like he’s playing me and i don’t want to miss the opportunity of meeting someone really cool who’s actually interested in me. I sort of been single for the past 6 years and after 2 of being alone in another country I feel the need to meet and be with someone romantically.
    Any advice? Not about whom to chose, but on how to decipher the INFJ’s behaviour.
     
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  2. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    One major difference between INTPs and INFJs, is that INFJs aren't really the "let's see how things organically evolve" type. Their dominant function (Ni) drives them toward envisioning the eventual outcome of any relationship first. When he said he saw a future with you, he meant it quite literally, and in his mind that was all the detail you needed to know. Given that, he's probably just as confused by your behavior as you are by his (if not moreso). Chances are he's also been hurt by committing too quickly to someone in the past, so that probably explains some of his caution. My guess is that he likes you a lot but hasn't quite determined whether or not you're completely on board.

    I can say without question that if he does commit to you, you will know it, and that commitment will be rock solid and unshakable. He will also expect precisely the same level of devotion from you.

    INTPs are different in relationships. We tend to get super excited right at the start of a new relationship (inferior Fe) then our dominant logic center (Ti) suddenly switches into crisis mode and holds a fucking inquisition on the entire matter to make damn sure we aren't compromising ourselves. I'm sure this is confusing for a lot of potential partners. If it helps, I'm in my mid-40s and I've still never had a relationship in my life where this pattern did not hold.

    INTPs also like the "organic" approach to relationships because it's basically the same approach we take to everything. Gather information, form conclusions, reexamine with new information, update conclusions, form a framework of data that makes the most sense to us. Continue to gather, update and modify on a continual basis. INFJs think this is weird. If they are into someone, they "just know it" and don't worry so much about all the whys and wherefores.

    INTPs and INFJs can be a good match. Similar sense of humor, similar way of looking at the world, intuition that tends to feed ideas both ways. But like any other combination there are bound to be challenges. My advice is to be patient and take him at his word. I doubt that he's playing you.
     
    #2 infinite dreams, Sep 14, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scribing Circles

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    Hello, I know this is the 21st century and everything, but that story makes me a bit sick.

    All of this game playing is just not healthy in my opinion - and that's obviously true because people are hurting right now.

    He says he wants no commitment - and you accepted that. OK, then, be his whore if you want.

    Or you could demand that he declares his intentions with you. Not some vague notions, maybes or ifs, but his actual intentions.

    Meanwhile you're talking to another guy.

    Really there is such little trust in this pseudo-'relationship' that both parties are going to get even more deeply hurt.

    Stop fucking him around (because you are), and ask him to do the same. Or end it.

    In my experience INFJs tend to be commitment-focused, but it may be the case that he is trying to conform to a social standard rather than behaving in a way that is accordant with his own principles. So yeah he's probably using you, because that's what he's 'supposed to do', but equally you are using him, and meanwhile you're both inflicting damage upon each other with these passive aggressive games and by treating each other like disposable toys.

    You have described how little value you are to him, and him to you, so what can I say?

    Fuck this shit, this is not the way.
     
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  4. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    INFJ guys are so often searching for "the one". another component is the ability to get hurt so easily by some meaningless slight or a perceived one. It is not uncommon to be all in from the moment you connect, then to begin analyzing every word and action for deeper meanings and signs of connection. Then there is the "door slam"..if we feel hurt in some way we can freeze someone out to prevent further harm, even to our own detriment. . all that said, no one will care for you more than an INFJ, and wrap their world around you if you let them. . good luck
     
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  5. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    @Contnou If you want a prime example of the INFJ mindset toward relationships and dating, look no further. ^ :tonguewink:

    [​IMG]
     
  6. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scribing Circles

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    I have literally said this before...:grimacing::sweatsmile:
     
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  7. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    First: Tinder is not a good place to find people to build relationships with. It really isn’t. Tinder is a great place to meet people who say one thing when they mean another just so they can get into your pants.

    I know that sounds old-fashioned, but I hear the same problems you are voicing from every friend trying to meet someone on Tinder.

    Second: Most online tests based on MBTI are not accurate, and added to that, some of those tests are actually based on Socionics, so it is difficult to discern whether he is really an INFJ. Online tests also have a bias toward typing people as ENXX/ INXX, even though most people are actually Sensors.

    Assuming he is an INFJ:

    – I have never read a more accurate description of INFJs.

    Your behavior the first few times you and the INFJ got together may have thrown him off, if he did have genuine intentions for a relationship with you. While you realize you over-reacted, and apologized, this is going to be a red flag for any guy.

    INFJs do not typically choose to take it slow, keep their options open, and fail to respond to texts for days if they are truly interested in you.


    No matter what MBTI a man is, if this is the scenario, he is not interested enough for you to waste your time with. If you are looking for a relationship end it. If you only want to get laid, keep connections open, but keep your feelings out of it. It honestly sounds like he is using you, and that all the romance about changing your names if you got married and having pastries in bed (which never happened) is just part of the game to seduce you. A lot of players pretend to want relationships with women because they know sex is better with a woman who is emotionally invested in a man.
    He’s showing every sign of not being serious about you, and not respecting your feelings. Even if, by chance, he does care for you and want a relationship, imagine the future of a relationship that begins with so much game playing uncertainty and second-guessing.

    I agree with Hostarius.
    Everything he said in his post is spot on.

    – Give dating the INTP a try.

    I would talk with some Swedish friends about this. I have many Swedish friends (I’m American) and married a Swedish-American (his family is Swedish), and from what I understand, this isn’t exactly the Swedish way, but I don’t live there. Yes, Swedish dating is unique to Sweden, but this isn’t quite how it has been explained to me. The Swedes are reserved and take relationships slow, yes, but this doesn’t seem like that.


    I do hope the INTP breaks the mold as far as Tinder guys go. I'd give up on the INFJ. Good luck!
     
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  8. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    ^This.
     
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  9. Chickensoup

    Chickensoup Community Member

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    Having sex then storming off is just not what a typical INFJ is looking for, regardless of whether he’s a player or not. I can understand his indifference. Since you’re already looking at other guys, I think you should move on.
     
  10. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Wow.

    Don't have sex with someone you don't know very well. That's pretty dangerous: emotionally, physically.
     
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  11. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    and it's a giant mind fuck that will get you shut out
     
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