Help an INTJ understand an INFJ friend | INFJ Forum

Help an INTJ understand an INFJ friend

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Stealthjelly, Oct 28, 2017.

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  1. Stealthjelly

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    The topic title is the core of why I'm posting this, so let me explain the situation.

    I was in college doing an evening course like 9 years or so ago. While on the course, I made friends with a young lady who I later find out is an INFJ. She was generally very quiet and shy, but we got on alright. I felt like she was a bit distant at times, but I put it down to a general kind of shyness or something. I should probably also mention that at the time (and still somewhat now) I found her very attractive, though I never did or said anything to express that really because I was extremely shy myself at the time. I saw her again on the follow-up course, so there were two years where we'd sit in class together once a week and work together fairly well, though she was still generally quite quiet.

    Anyways, we added each other on MSN, and some time later (maybe months or a few years, my memeory is unfortunately sketchy on that detail), she tells me about how unhappy she is living with her parents, and the relationship she was in being generally pretty bad at the time. I offer what advice I think best, for which she seems grateful enough, and not much else is heard from her for a while. Another indeterminate amount of time later (still 5 years or more before the present), she shares her unhappiness at a new hairstyle which she thinks looks terrible (including a before and after pic), and wishes she can go back. I'm a bit confused as to why she comes to me with these things considering that she's otherwise kinda distant, but I usually try to be a good friend, and she hasn't really done anything to deserve me being ignorant or anything like that, so I just tell her not to worry about it, it looks fine, and also that she can always grow it out again and have it as she did before. These things are the last I hear of her really for some years I think, though we still have each other on FB. She never really posted anything or messaged me, nor I her really, but that's fine, I assumed we'd both kinda went our separate ways as friends do sometimes (she had split up with her partner and moved to another city as well), and I never really felt like we were close to begin with.

    Fast forward to this year, January. I developed kidney stones, first time I'd ever been seriously ill or the like. I was in hospital for some time, it was sort of serious because it had caused an infection, but that was easily treated and within a few months I was fine. While at hospital though, she had messaged me with a get well message, signed with a couple x's. I thought to myself "Awww that's nice, I didn't expect that". I wrote back with my thanks, said that I hoped she was okay too (cos it had been a while), and since then we've been slowly getting back in touch through text messages across FB. She was telling me about her attempts to pass her driving test, which she recently did, and I was happy for her.

    I get the feeling I'm missing something though. I have wondered if she was (or is) attracted to me at times, though her distant attitude and lack of any sort of indication of that makes me think not. I do still feel like I'm missing something. Just today for example, she messaged me around midday and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine, asked how she was, and what her plans for the day were. She said she was just going to have a relaxing day at home. Y'know, a normal conversation, but... though she initiated the conversation, she didn't have much to say, and when she took longer and longer to reply, and gave short replies, I politely asked if she was busy, to which she replied "Yeah", and left it at that.

    So, I am very confused. I am confused as to what exactly is going on in her head. I feel like I can't read her or the situation very well at all, why she often messages me with little to say, why she shares what she does, and often makes the focus of conversation herself and things going on with her. She seems like a good person, and I would not like to think that she is trying to use me in some way, but sometimes I wonder. Help me, INFJ's, you're my only hope!
     
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  2. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    Unless there's something you haven't said, I very much doubt she's trying to use you. My guess is you're both attracted to each other, at least as friends. I think when infj and INTJs link as friends or more, there's a great connection.

    How do you really feel about her ? If you want a friendship or other, then sensitively talk to her. If she's already in a relationship, then I think it's wiser to leave her be, even if she seems unhappy. Infj are usually busy with something, that doesn't mean they don't care about you.

    Sorry to hear you were ill, hope you're recovering well.
     
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  3. Kuneta

    Kuneta One

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    She should not use you.

    The first messages show she did not forget you and stay with you even in your worse day. That means she cares you, even if you did not talk together for a while. But that does not mean you is considered as a friend: as an INFJ, we may have a lot of trouble figuring out who is really reliable. In my case, I usually help anyone who seems to need help. But when I realized that nobody cares about me when I do have problems, I felt very uncomfortable. When I heared that because I did not talk about my issues, they would not help me, I decided to ban the words "friend" and "love" in my own languages...

    She may have some issues, left alone and start to write something. I do not know what she wrote, but sometimes, writing allow us to put what we think in words (we think a lot and need to clarify our thougts). If she shared those things with you, that means you are special for her, but if it is only a "day to day" conversation, she may want to show you that you can rely on her if something bad happens to you. She is really nice, you are a lucky guy. If you are confuse because she is the only person who seems to care about you, well that means it is you who have some trouble to figure out who she is for you, haven't you?
     
  4. TechnocolorJET

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    Well, I talk about and reference myself often because it is what I know. And kind of self centered but my whole life has been nothing but to understand my part in it. I don't think it is out of bad intent.

    Intj people are amazing. Not someone that you are likely to forget or would want to lose. It is refreshing to meet people who have depth. I think of people I lost contact with over a decade later. I can't say if there is potential romance because that is a personal taste thing. But I would advise you to say something about how you feel. I can't imagine it hurting your friendship unless you withdraw if the feeling isn't reciprocated. It would be a shame for either of you to lose the unique flavor you bring.
     
  5. Happy Phantom

    Happy Phantom Well-known member

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    She likes you, and you seem to like her. It appears as though she doesn’t really know what to say and neither do you. How far are you from each another distance wise?
     
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  6. Eventhorizon

    Eventhorizon Permanently relocated
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    First, is there any possiblity of a relationship? Meaning is she close enough to where one could happen if it well...could happen? If not, don't put any effort into thinking about it or caring about it. But if there is a possibility and it's what you want, ask her out already.
     
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  7. Chickensoup

    Chickensoup Community Member

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    Well, one thing I’ve learned from many INTJ postings on here is your type is not so open to providing emotional support. So, her complaining might sound to you like she’s asking for that, and it being something you don’t easily provide, it can feel like she’s asking for more than what a friend would ask for. Maybe that’s the part you’re missing?

    As for reaching out after your illness, I think that is a reflection of how well she thought of you as a partner in school. She’s probably checking in out of concern.
     
  8. OP
    Stealthjelly

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    Hi all, sorry it took me so long to get back to this, other IRL events demanded my attention. I'm going to try and respond to as many points here as possible.

    How do I feel about her? Hmm... I feel attracted to her physically, as I think I said. On a personality level, she's kind of a mystery to me, hence the reason for the post in the first place. I care about her as a friend would, while being physically attracted to her. Not meaning to sound shallow, but I simply don't know her well enough in some ways to feel very deeply emotionally connected.

    To answer how close we are: about a 2 hour train ride away. Not very far in the general scale of things, and we could easily meet up if we both desired to and schedules allowed.

    If I've missed anything, my apologies. Feel free to ask.
     
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  9. Eventhorizon

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    Ok. Well If you are only interested in her physically continue to think of her as a friend and thats that. Respond to her as you like but theres No obligation and certainly no reason to concern yourself with thinking about her past that.
     
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  10. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Serene Doge

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    INxx types are notoriously reticent to make the first move. Probably cause we spend 90% of our lives cooped up inside our own heads overthinking things. This could be a situation where she feels similarly to you (i.e. the possibility of a connection) but like you she is hesitant to take any further steps.

    Interesting that you've been acquainted with one another for 9 years (quite a long time) and have now been texting semi-regularly for nearly a year, and you still don't know her very well? Do y'all just talk about the weather and stuff? This inclines me to think that the mutual interest the two of you have is more superficial than anything else. Otherwise it seems that you would have formed something more meaningful by now.
     
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