Great connection but no physical attraction

Artemisia

Artemisia

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years. He is, in every way, a great guy, supportive, ticks all the right boxes, and is monogamous. We talk nearly every day for many years. He has expressed in the past that he is attracted to me but unfortunately I do not find him physically attractive. I wish I did because I know we would make a great couple and he would be there for me.
Question: have you had a case like this in the past? Did you consider it? I mean, what if I do end up sleeping with him and the physical attraction grows on me later?
 
It's a great shame isn't it, especially as the most important thing is how someone is. I did have a relationship with someone once, where we got on very, very, well had loads of fun and really enjoyed being with each other. I found him very funny and find humour very attractive, so I was attracted to him as a personality, but the real physical attraction wasn't there.
My attraction towards him didn't grow with the relationship, and in the end it didn't last. I don't think I should have had that relationship, maybe in hindsight. Maybe it wasn't very fair but I liked him so much in every other way, and he was very insistent about starting the relationship. He was hurt though in the end I think, because it's hard for the attraction thing, to not be important somewhere along the line- and it's hard to evade.
It stopped me falling in love with him in a proper sense because the romantic 'passion' thing wasn't really there. I don't know maybe some other people have been able to circumvent that and create a happy relationship, I find it hard to believe though.
Really it's a shame you can't take 'bits' of different people and put them together to make the ideal mate!
 
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Artemisia said:
My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years. He is, in every way, a great guy, supportive, ticks all the right boxes, and is monogamous. We talk nearly every day for many years. He has expressed in the past that he is attracted to me but unfortunately I do not find him physically attractive. I wish I did because I know we would make a great couple and he would be there for me.
Question: have you had a case like this in the past? Did you consider it? I mean, what if I do end up sleeping with him and the physical attraction grows on me later?
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Reminds me of my own friendship with my best friend.

Knew her going on 10 years, shared everything. We were two very different personalities but we balanced each other out perfectly. Could talk about anything and everything and was frequently called '' her rock '' No matter how many times her life caught fire or how hectic her life became, I was always there, Immovable. Anyways, after life settled down a touch and she pulled herself together after a trying relationship, I took the plunge and suggested I take her out to dinner.

Got shot down in flames instantly. Hasn't spoken to me since and that was some time ago now.

So I'd advise caution.

Sometimes what you have, is what you have.
 
Why don't you find your friend attractive, if I may ask?

Some physical traits can be changed-- with diet and exercising for instance; or a change of grooming habits. Others don't-- so I guess there's that.

But I honestly don't think this is a good idea......

While I understand the urge and temptation. Remember that you risk tainting it all later-- if not out of bitterness of a broken relationship; then out of complacency of a passionless relationship.

An argument can be made that the passion can appear later: but 1) What if it doesn't? and 2) Until it appears, you're basically living a lie. and 3) see 1, and 4) you're not giving him a chance to be happy with someone who wants him; because fitting together =/= wanting.
 
Seems like a great and typical friendship you have there. Talk him into making more money and then you'll find him more attractive.
 
I've never been attracted to money in men. What attracts me is sensitivity and someone who can be there for me/is monogamous. Also, it helps if he is tall and good-looking, but he doesn't have to be a gorgeous hunk or anything.
My best friend is a great guy, about 5'11" which is a good height (I am 5'5"), but I think he is ugly. I don't know how he is sexually as I have not been with him, but I fear risking the friendship if I go down that road (I did ruin a previous 10+ year relationship when I slept with another friend).
 
Artemisia said:
I've never been attracted to money in men. What attracts me is sensitivity and someone who can be there for me/is monogamous. Also, it helps if he is tall and good-looking, but he doesn't have to be a gorgeous hunk or anything.
My best friend is a great guy, about 5'11" which is a good height (I am 5'5"), but I think he is ugly. I don't know how he is sexually as I have not been with him, but I fear risking the friendship if I go down that road (I did ruin a previous 10+ year relationship when I slept with another friend).
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..you can't change ugly. (Well there's plastic surgery but that is a whole another evil entirely)

And you have a precedent. Don't do it, is what I'm saying.
Better spend that same time finding someone you're attracted with and can connect with emotionally.
 
But if I find someone else, I be attracted to him but may not have the same emotional connection. Also, it is not so certain that said person will love me back or even stay with me whereas with this guy it is more likely since he both loves me and finds him attractive.
Oh, the dilemma!
 
Artemisia said:
But if I find someone else, I be attracted to him but may not have the same emotional connection. Also, it is not so certain that said person will love me back or even stay with me whereas with this guy it is more likely since he both loves me and finds him attractive.
Oh, the dilemma!
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Then you have to figure out if it's worth potentially destroying your friendship over. Could you be with him long term? So you see him as a safe bet, but are you a safe bet for him? Chances are you could also find someone else who feels like that about you.
 
acd said:
Then you have to figure out if it's worth potentially destroying your friendship over. Could you be with him long term? So you see him as a safe bet, but are you a safe bet for him? Chances are you could also find someone else who feels like that about you.
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All true, but perhaps a safe bet is what is really necessary? I mean, most of us assume that a safe bet would be boring etc.but I'd rather have a safe bet than live in perpetual anxiety. Now you are right; he does love me and is anxious about me at the same time so it can go both ways.
It's a tough one, mostly because I don't know what to expect if I go ahead with it. I may be surprised and really like him but I may decide he is not for me and ruin the friendship forever.
 
I think you need some kind of spark to begin with, or it's not happening. I don't think a 'safe bet' is the answer either. You might always be wondering when the next best thing will come along if your not properly invested in the first place, you won't be happy in the relationship.
 
Like one of the posters near the top, I too was in a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted too. It was not a good situation.

He was great in pretty much all other ways. But I just wasn't romantically attracted to him. I mean there were other reasons why it didn't work, but that was a big one. You don't want to be thinking while he's on top of you "I guess this angle is alright..." It's not fun constantly asking yourself if you're attracted to him.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
This reminds me of some lyrics, which were already dated, when I first heard them: "If you want a happy life, marry an ugly wife."
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I love me some Jimmy Soul!
 
OP How do you even know that this dude would want a relationship with you?

Aren't you already dating a few guys? You sure monogamy is your thing? You may not be a suitable match for him...
 
Does your friend already know your opinion of them? "You're ugly, but I guess you're kind of a safe bet. Meh, sure." If they knew that would they be ok with it? If you have to hide that from them, it's probably not a good idea.
 
Sloe Djinn said:
Does your friend already know your opinion of them? "You're ugly, but I guess you're kind of a safe bet. Meh, sure." If they knew that would they be ok with it? If you have to hide that from them, it's probably not a good idea.
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IKR?

I somehow doubt that dude is as "safe" a bet as OP thinks.
 
Artemisia said:
I've never been attracted to money in men. What attracts me is sensitivity and someone who can be there for me/is monogamous. Also, it helps if he is tall and good-looking, but he doesn't have to be a gorgeous hunk or anything.
My best friend is a great guy, about 5'11" which is a good height (I am 5'5"), but I think he is ugly. I don't know how he is sexually as I have not been with him, but I fear risking the friendship if I go down that road (I did ruin a previous 10+ year relationship when I slept with another friend).
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It may be he has held onto the friendship because he yearns for more, giving him a chance may be the best thing for him. Then you will know for sure and he will at least have had what he has been pining for.
 
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