[INFJ] Going through a the dark night of the soul

[VirtueVigilante]

This is my first post here. I only recently came across these personality types and they seemed really accurate to me. Because I have some sort of internal crisis I'm going through I thought I'd post this here and see if any of you fellow INFJ's have had comparable experiences. I hope I didn't make it too long.

I recently got depressed for the first time in my life. Some very difficult situations at once made me have a deep internal crisis. The worst fear, something I always worried about, is to see loved ones suffer and being helpless about it. Events in my life made me realise how this worst fear of mine was actually inevitable and I felt the reality of this very deeply.

At some point I felt living another 50 years was so incredibly heavy that I hoped somehow a big asteroid would hit the earth and end it all in one blow. I kept reading about "the dark night of the soul" stuff and at some point came across articles about Carl Jung which made me realise that this type of suffering was good and needed to change at the core of my being. I also realised that my constant rationalizing of my feelings wasn't solving anything and I tried to just let my feeling run their course trying not to run from them or resist them. I eventualy started to emerge again after 1,5 month in very dark places, but I felt I changed for the better, making me stronger at the core somehow.

Now I keep bouncing around between worrying, fear and feeling extremely confident and strong. I try to avoid pitfalls like thinking I can handle anything, ignoring my feelings or having self-pity and losing my thoughts in an inevitable future that I fear.

I noticed something that derailed me again, something I think I noticed before at various points in my life but never paid too much attention to. Every time I feel good, it seems someone else I love moves in the opposite direction. In highschool I joked about this sometimes with a friend, saying stuff like "I feel great today so you must be having a hard time". I think at some lever I actually believe this. Which might explain why, in difficult situations, I stop doing anything for myself, stop training, stop eating healthy, do nothing I like anymore, only action is trying to constantly be with the one having a hard time and helping as much as possible. I even spend days at work researching possible improvements for a loved one in trouble and ignoring work totally.

Now that I feel better I noticed the same thing happening again. Rationally I think it's a stupid thought, but I need to explore it fully I think. I'm afraid that improving my own life will damage my loved ones. I hope I can come to a realisation that it's bullshit and stop my self-sacrificing way of handling tough situations.

Are there things in my story that some of you recognise?

 

[NazFarmer]

I am by no means an expert in personality types or psychological matters whatsoever, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but there are aspects of what you said which I can also relate to. The thing that really jumped out to me was when you said that when you're feeling good, it seems as though someone you care about it going through a rough time. I've noticed this in my life at different times, as well, and what I have thought is that when I'm in a better mood, I'm more prone to being open to how other people are feeling and able to notice how others are doing more, whereas when I am down I tend to withdraw into myself more, and so am not as open to how other people are. Perhaps it is a similar thing with you?

As far as the self-sacrificing way of helping others, I have also done this, but one thing that has helped me realize that this isn't healthy is a saying that is common in pastoral ministry (which I am involved with): you cannot give what you do not have. In this sense, there are times when the best thing you can do to help others is to take care of yourself, because if you are physically/emotionally exhausted because you haven't been eating well, haven't been taking care of yourself in anyway, then you aren't going to be able to help others. Now, this is a balancing act, because you don't want to become too self-absorbed to the point that you don't help others in need because you're taking care of yourself, but I think there does need to be a balance there.

Finally, addressing your worst fear of seeing your loved ones suffer and not being able to do anything about it, you're right, there will come a time, probably multiple times, when this happens. But do not underestimate the power of being present. My family recently went through a tragedy that no one could have foreseen, and while we are still in mourning, in that time we came together as a family to help each other through it. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it helps to know that we are not alone.

I hope what I've said makes sense/is applicable to what you're talking about. Please keep in mind that I'm speaking from my own experiences here, so I hope that I don't come across as judgmental (I think this is most applicable to the first paragraph). I hope it helps somewhat!

 

[VirtueVigilante]

Hi NazFarmer, thanks for taking the time to write what you did. Being more aware of the troubles of others when feeling good seems to make sense. I wonder if this is something INFJ specific. I sometimes feel asif my global well being consists of the well being of myself ánd those I care about.

The balancing act of taking care of yourself and others seems really difficult. I rationally know what you said is true, and I have thought of it that way before, but taking care of myself in such situations is extremely hard and even feels like a betrayal to the one in need of care. I hope some day I understand this on a "spiritual" level as well as the rational level. Maybe only the dark times ahead can teach me, like you said, they are inevitable.

I'm really curious about the following: In such situation, would you have to force yourself to take care of yourself as well or is this something that comes naturally for you? Because for me, in my current state, taking care of myself would require a big internal struggle every time, because it feels like the wrong thing to do.

What I also noticed in your text ánd my own experience is that in tragic times I seem to become extroverted in my thinking, it seems to help a great deal talking to others. It's almost not fair to other people, when I mostly don't want to have much contact, but then in difficult times I suddenly do... This seems to fit the INFJ type if you read about the Shadow functions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ#Shadow_functions

You didn't come across as judgemental at all, this really helps. I hope others like to weighin their thoughts as well. I think it's really interesting how INFJ typing seems to accurate, but unfortunately I don't know of any INFJ's in real like to discuss this with.

 

[NazFarmer]

I honestly don't know if this is an INFJ specific thing or not: like I said before, I'm not very well versed in this: I know the basics of how INFJ's react/think based on reading and my own experience as one, but beyond that I don't know all that much, haha.

As for the balancing act of taking care of yourself vs. taking care of others, it can be really difficult. I was blessed in that when I was in college I had a great mentor who would constantly (as in over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over (I think you get the picture) and over again) let me know that it is perfectly okay to say no to something/someone. Honestly, even now I feel guilty at times for saying no to helping someone out with something. Granted, if it's an emergency (a bad accident or a friend who desperately needs to talk), I wouldn't be able to live with myself for not helping them, but in smaller situations (such as saying no to giving a talk), while I rationally know that it is okay for me to decline if I am not up for it, I'll still feel guilty about it. The worst is when the day that I was going to give the talk/whatever the situation may be comes, and I'm feeling fine, so I feel guilty about not giving the talk; but at the same time know that if I was giving the talk I would be really stressed out even though I've given many talks before, simply because of the state of mind I was in.

And what you said about shadow functions makes a lot of sense. From the sound of it, I may not be as introverted as you are, but I don't normally go around talking to people about my feelings, and when I do it is most often those times when I am down and would like someone to talk to, which, as you pointed out, doesn't seem exactly fair to others. I honestly don't know what to do about that, as it is something I wonder about, myself.

And I'm glad I didn't come across as judgmental It's been a while since I've been active in a forum.

 

[VirtueVigilante]

I guess life will teach us how to find this balance as long as we are willing to learn. It's hard to find people to talk about this kind of stuff, because in my experience it seems most are too buisy running away from difficult experiences. I hope that all of this won't be for nothing in the end, but I really can't imagine it would be like that.

You are right about my introvertness by the way, I got 100% towards introvertness in the typology test, but still I can interact with others just fine and have a small but good group of friends. So maybe the definition of introvertness is different then what I have in mind. I'm going to check out this forum more often and try to enlighten myself.

 

[Rcs6r]

long quote

when you're feeling good, it seems as though someone you care about it going through a rough time. I've noticed this in my life at different times, as well, and what I have thought is that when I'm in a better mood, I'm more prone to being open to how other people are feeling and able to notice how others are doing more,

Exactly. When we are in a good place in our lives we don't need to focus so much on self-improvement and tend to observe others. It's kind of the same reason why in a society that is going through a collective depression tends to care less about their neighbors, because they themselves have some sort of problem(s).

Most people who are feeling fulfilled or happy tend to reach out and help others, unless you're sociopathic/self-centered.

Keep working on yourself but don't abandon the people you love. I think the key is to try to be there when your friends or family need you but don't neglect your immediate needs either.